Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I need some help and I dont know which way to turn. My daughter is 32 and has dealt my problems since she was 12 that was the 1st time she turned me in for child abuse. It was unfounded and she had to to go to counselling. Pregnant at 15 (He now lives with me and I have guardianship). Four or five marriages, I lost count. Countless realtionships where she met men and jsut moved them in - some of which she met on internet and moved them in with her and her kids. She has two boys ages 14 and 11 and a gir age 3 living with her. There is toooo much to put in here but to make a long story short. I went through breast cancer 2006-2007 and quit my job after 13 1/2 yrs which was working for an attorney. She worked with me off and on until she would get mad and quit for awhile. After I left she told my ex boss I was stealing from him which I was not but you got to see they way this attorney and I worked on projects he got a certain amount and I got a certan amount. So, him being already vindictive or his wife being vindictive had me arrested and I faced felony charges which this is now past me. Now, she has turned me in again for "improperly touching a small female child" is what the CSS says. The day this was suppose to happen I had kept my granddaughter for about 4 hours while my daughter went to school and my husband was with me all the time. I am worried sick over this. It has been a week since I had a visit from CSS from my county telling me this but they said someone from her county would be contacting me and nothingso far. She has always blamed me for everything wrong in her life and this man she is married to (which she met on the internet) for 3 yrs just adds fuel to the fire. She doesn't want me to see my grandkids on a regular basis and always makes up excuses. She claims religion and says God tells her things. Please believe me, I have 100% faith in the Good Lord above and I don't knock religion but some of her tells are way far fetched. There has been years of her always having to have some kind of drama going on in her life and it always is aimed at me. I have raised her two oldest (the 17 and 14 year old). I have always bought and made sure her and her kids have what they needed and most of the time what they wanted. Anything I have bought her when they bought their new house about a year ago she got rid of and I mean good things and expenseive things like a grandfther clock one year for Christmas. I have a friend that works for the sheriff in the county she lives in and I called him. He talked to the director of that county and he said he could find nothing but if I got contacted to immediatley call my friend. My friend told the director of the years of ongoing problems with my daugher. Everyone knows. She called my son and told my son Friday that he needed to keep his kids away from me and that I would never see her kids again. I work for another attorney and he told me she was psychotic but I think she is a psycopath and maybe a narcissist. She maniuplates every situation to her benefit. When she gets mad at her husband who is jut as bad as she is about lyhing she is good with me. The attorney I work for says this is how this works. That I am her target and have been for a long time. It breaks my heart but my God, she is putting my life in jeopardy and I dont know how to stop her. She always convinces CSS that it is me and not her. She called me one time to come get my 17 yr old because they were having problems and when I did that evening I had the sheriff knocking on my door to take me to jail for kidnapping. I didn't go because my husband was here and they realized she had called me to come get him. Does anybody have any advice or similar situations that they have encountered? I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. I am constantly looking out the window everytime I hear a car to see if it is someone coming to get me. I did not do this to my granddaughter and never would to any child at all. I am not an evil person but my God listening to her people that didn't know me surely would think so. Everytime she gets in a church it is only a matte of months before she isn't going there anymore because she just doesn't like some of the things that go on. Truth is they find out how she and her husband is. I am really concerned and afraid for the two boys that live with her. Thank you.

LSS

Welcome to the forum........oh my gosh, you have been to hell and back, am so sorry to hear how she has targetted you like this.

First of all, none of this is your fault, and secondly you cannot change her, she is who she is, and there is nothing you can do about that.

With regards to yourself, its important you protect yourself from her, and the only way to do this, is to completely block her from your life, and have absolutely nothing to do with her.

I can see it isnt that easy to do, as there are children and custody involved, have you read the divorce and custody section, there are lots of posts there regarding custody and contact.

IMHO, the only way you can deal with this, for the children, is to act indifferent towards her, act perfectly.......and start gathering evidence, as well as speak to a lawyer.........one of the ways to get evidence, is to somehow, keep alot of your communication by email, also it could be worth speaking to your lawyer regarding taping her, you will need to check if this is legal, as I believe the laws can change from state to state or countries regarding this, also, what about getting your husband to communicate with her, rather than you, as from what you said, its you shes targetting?

x

Thank you for your reply. I work for several attorneys and the one I am closest and and work mainly for knows the entire situation. I have already made my mind up to cut my ties with her before she has me put in prison or my grave. I hate to do it because of my other grandchildren but I have no choice. The boys are old enough and I know they understand because I had told the 14 yr old if I was ver not around he would know it was because I was not allowed around. He told me to never change my cell phone number and I promised him I would not. As soon as he can he will be gone from there because he and the 11 yr old get cussed at, threw up against a wall, etc., whatever she or her husband has to do to get them back in their control. While I understand children need boundaries and discipline, those are not the way to accomplish it. They tell everyone that the 17 yr old that lives with me is out of control. stays out all hours of the night until 3-4 in the morning and is on drugs and has black out spells. This is one of the best kids I know. I know I am prejudice because he is my grandson. But, at 17 I have not had to worry about drinking, drugs, gangs, etc. He goes to school everyday, makes passing grades, never problems from school. He hangs out with his friends mostly on the weekend but he has a curfew. He has to be home by 11 on Friday and Saturday and during the week if he goes out to get something to eat with his friends he has to be home by 10 and he isn't allowed to go out every night during the week. He has his learners permit but no drivers license due to him hurting his leg last year and having to have I think 3 surgeries. He completed second part of last school year here at home - teachers came in and gave him assignments and tests and his mother never would give me his birth certificate or ss card. But, in October 2008 I finally got guardianship so it makes it a little easier. I have a file about 3-4 inches thick of emails, etc., between my daughter and myself. Some where she is singing my praises for being there for her and some where she tells me she hopes I rot in hell. So, my contact with her in the future is none and my husband is so upset he will not contact her. My son did and she called him back 3 days after she pulled this stunt and started telling him her side and basically he told her pretty much what she could do with what she was saying and he told her that all of his life she had always kept some kind of drama going and that he didn't have to be a part of it anymore because he was married and had kids and a life of his own. I just hope this latest stunt of hers doesn't go any further. I closed my office this weekend and moved home to work. We are in the process of moving our residence and downsizing from one place to another due to the fact that I can no longer take care of this house we live in now due to its size because the cancer and chemo takes a lot out of a person. She knows all this. When I was going throuh cancer and chemo it was a pity party for her and a way to get people to give her attention and sympathy. Me, I never felt sorry for myself. I did my treatments, chemo and radiation and never missed a day from work. Couldn't ge anywhere by feeling sorry for myself. I beat that but I cant beat her. Not when she brings up these fabrications that could lead to criminal charges against me ad put me in prison. That is what I am scared of mostly. Again, thank you. I really need someone to vent to at this point.

Hi again LSS

Well it definately sounds like you are doing all the right things, and I hear you with regards to wanting to vent, so please feel free to vent away, as much as you need too.

Are you in remission now for your cancer? all the best to you with that, you have certainly been through alot, and you sound very strong.

I completely agree with you with regards to cutting all ties, just like what your son and husband have done, thats the only way to avoid the abuse.

Another thing that shocks me about your story, is the fact that you work with lawyers, and have proof from emails and yet she still manages to get away with all this, without any proof, what advice do they give you regarding that? its great that your grandchildren know that you are there for them, its so sad, that she uses that as a weapon, is there no other way these children can be protected from her, without you being involved?

(((hugs to you)))xx

Hey there!

I have always been a strong person. I was raised to be. When my mother was dying she told me she wasn't worried about me but she was my other siblings because I had always been strong. As far as I know he cancer is gone. But the after effects remain, loss of energy, swelling, problems with mu teeth, but I can deal with those. You know I know God says he wont put more on us that we can bare but sometimes I wonder just how much he thinks this one person can bare.

The attorney that I work closely with says that she is psychotic and if I get any contact from anyone concerning this latest little stunt of hers to make sure he knows because he is going with me and backing me 100%.

There is noone for those kids other than me. She's alienated herself from any family members that we had left. Her father signed his rights away to her and my son when my son was a year old.

She's got some serious problems and a few years ago when I took the two oldest ones one morning because I was afraid to leave them with her, I couldn't get the baby because she had him trapped in the bathroom with her. I took them to Family Court and made a report. They sent CCS to my home for an evaluation and put them in a "safety net" in my care, made go to counseling, which she did once or twice, and then nothing ever again.

She has taken off and left the two oldest with me for months on end while she took the baby with her to go live with some man she met on the internet only to end up coming back after that fling ended. I had no way to get medical attention for them, get them in a daycare, etc.

She married a man that was in the military in NC and I could not tell you how many times I sent her money, sent my son to move her home, went and got the kids, made arrangements for her to come home. That finally ended up in divorce. She says he was very abusive and I believe that 100% to her and the kids.

So, the two oldest are by one man, the third is by another and the baby is by yet another. She says the baby's father was a married man and not this one she is married to now. I don't know if this is true or not.

Then, she got religion a couple of years ago and we all were beneath her.

She got to where she didn't come around much at all and even until this last stunt she didn't come around too much but she did let me get the kids every three to four weeks for a night on the weekend.

The baby spent the night one night but after that I would always end up calling my daughter to come get her because she wanted her mother. That's because when it is time to go to bed she sleeps with my daughter and her husband. So, rather than make her unhappy I would call her to come get her and had promised her I would.

She tells me all the time that the only reason she is with her present husband is to pay the bills and get her through school. She's in school again for the third time. She tells the boys this, too.

For Christmas, she borrowed $100.00 from me Christmas Eve and put it in a card for the 17 yr old that lives with me and gave it to him immediately so her husband wouldn't know. For his birthday she came a month prior to and brought him a small aquarium iwth two fish and she said when her husband found out he raised all kinds of fuss about it. Their deal is if he doesn't want to live with them and be a part of their family and follow their rules then he doesn't deserve anything. When in fact, the only reason he isn't there is because of the abuse, mainly,verbal, mental and emotional he suffered when he was there. He's a big boy and too big to be abused physically I think.

My 14 yr old came to me back in February and he had some moeny and said he wanted me to take him to buy the 17 yr old a Christmas present because he knew he didn't get anything from them for Christmas. That about broke my heart. I told him about he $100.00 and told him to keep his money that his brother was fine and taken care of. These boys love each other and it breaks my heart that they are being kept away from him. He says they tell him all the time he is not going to turn out to be like his brother and be a juvenile delinquent and a punk.

This really hurts these boys. They take up for their brother and for me but they have to suffer the repercussions for it. I told him to not do that and to try and keep the peace to make things easier on them.

So, when I try and do anything she turns on the charm and manipulates every situation to her benefit. She has even been very successful in manipulating me all of her life.

I guess I have always known how she is but tried to desperately to keep some kind of relationship with her for the sake of those kids and so those kids could have some kids of relationship with their brother that lives with me. But, now I know she is endangering me and my welfare.

Do you know how hard it is to take kids from their natural mother? Almost impossible especially when she manipulates every situation to her benefit and advantage. Oh, their answer is let's get the kids in counseling. That's all well and good but it isn't doing the trick to take care of the problem. The kids are not the problem.

This is so heart breaking! The grand children deserve so much more, and I know you want to provide that for them. But you have to take care of yourself, which you have painfully realized.
My experience has shown that a N will use your strength against you and you are a wonderfully strong and willing soul. You kept coming back because of your strength, hoping to make things better. You have made things better in the ways that you could control. Obviously, as a N, she will instictively deny you any opportunity to control anything, so you were unrelenting in your attempts to help free the grandchildren. They will know somewhere in their hearts tht you are there for them.
You know the only way you can survive and be there for the grandson that is with you, is to have no contact with the N. Remember, you can't trust her.
I applaud your noble attempts, and you have accomplished more than you realize. I hope you take care and get a chance to smile and live joyously again. You have made an imprint on the grandchildren, that with any luck, they will carry all their lives. Don't let them see the day when your ND finally takes you down, or atleast let them see your indominatable spirit survive. If you can get away from ND, she may "calm down" a bit. She's all about ruining you, making you powerless, and acting out. Without supply, she may actually start living her life.
I know this has been a bleak situation, but you have managed. It's your turn. If you take back your life, ND might take back hers. I want you to be OK too.

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this.
From what I am reading here, some of your N's behavior sounds alot like my P. If my research is correct, a P is a N who has crossed into the the utter delusions of the Psychopath.
My P uses the law to avoid accountability for his crimes. He has figured out ( do they go to some kind of P school?) that filing a speedy complaint on the victim for the crime he just committed against the victim will negate the victim's credibility and distract the authorities. My P has complete control over the lives closest to him and can always get a "witness" to swear his lies are true. This is how he has beaten at least four felony charges brought by the DA and a host of other felonies, misdemeanors and various claims against him over the years. It is the ultimate in projection and it obstructs justice like a charm.
When I realized to what lengths he was willing to go to to win, I was also afraid that the cops would show up and arrest me for some bogus charge. I feared for my life as it looked as though he could get away with whatever he wanted.
I was the first one to file a protective order. I felt that if I didn't, he would file and permanently ruin my chances of getting any kind of protection from the law. Of course the court did not grant it but it left enough of a paper trail and record of abuse that I now feel protected against the bogus charges.
The remaining problem? He hasn't "won" yet. I have apparently managed to "thwart" him at every turn just by living a full life, taking care of myself, and staying NC. This makes me a preferred target. A P can't face the fact that he really is a frightened loser and no one wants him.

Oh Dear,
Good luck LSS!