Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

windinthetrees · Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 128

Do any of you ever feel this weird sense of anxiety separation from those that hurt us most? I mean, I am speaking about my dad. He loved me, but in a protective, sheltering, controlling way. Yet, he was GOD to me growing up. Now I see he has serious issues and N or not, he is very self-revolving and absorbed. I mean I learned to ignore myself to please or worry or look up to or mind him, whatever it was. I am just now learning to have my own identity and trust myself. It is not a daily occurence though. I am troubled b/c I married into a similar dynamic and I am even more terrified of my husband's mom than my own dad. I feel my rela. w/dad has dwindled so much b/c he can't control me anymore. So, now he doesn't seem to take any sort of interest in me. I feel like our family went thru so much due to him and this is what we get. It's like he basically has my mom and codep. sister who is a recovering addict to somewhat control or have influence over and b/c he doesn't have influence over me anymore he ignores me. Why does this hurt? Why do I still want my "dad"? I am 37 years old and can't get past the fantasy of having a dad to just call up and say hi and actually talk -have A REAL conversation with- instead of just focusing on him .
When I was little, I lived at the beach. Then we moved to the Sierras, and lived there briefly/ Then we moved back to the beach (so Cal). THEN we moved AGAIN back to the mountains and lived there for about 6 years. I was 9 when we ONCE AGAIN moved --this time to Hawaii- and only stayed for 3 months. THEN my dad realized HE didn;t want to stay there so we actually SETTLED in SOCAL for the next 23 years. He was miserable b/c he missed the mountains so much. (his fond and only good childhood memories were there I believe). Well, the move when I was 9 was extraordinarily difficult. I was homesick, sad, depressed and confused. NEVER once did my parents ask me let alone talk to me about how this affected me. SO , flash to 1994, they buy a condo in the Sierras and now have built a home there. They maintain two residences and it pisses me off that I was yanked as a child from all I knew, only to be faced with 23 yrs of an unhapy depressed dad, emotional abuser, and fear-based person, to them once again living there--part time-- and he is STILL unhappy and can't get a grip on living in just one place. HE is so mentally unhealthy. My mom is now an alcoholic. Dad is very phyically fit, active, but OUR WHOLE lives were based on his adventures, whims, wants, impulses, etc. I am still sad everytime I visit them and cry when I leave. Pathetic , huh?
I am in counselling (1.5 years) and currently on meds (only 3 months) for all the years of depression I developed. I am such a creative, loyal, insightful, and warm person. I am down to earth and fun. I love my kids and hubby. But I am sad and confused about my dysfunctional childhood and I dwell on it a lot. B/c I married into a family that has other sysfuntional issues, and had NO rela. w/ my husband's mom, or a weak one at best, I am miserable. I thought I was doing better, but having contact with any of them makes me sick. Having NO contact is impossible and doesn't seem realistic. That was a rant , I know, but I am just lost b/c to this day NO ONE in my family knows how all this affected me (accept my sis). If I told my dad, he would come apart. Thoughts. Don't blame you if you don't want to respond b/c I am not sure any of this makes sense to the outside.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 486

Have you read the literature on healing the inner-child? There were links on the MSN site about this and it is a useful exercise. At times when I need validation or advice or support I give it to myself. I talk to myself as if I was talking to my own child. I do this all the time, whenever those negative thoughts come I tell them to F-off and then I tell myself that I'm doing a good job and that I love you. I'm doing this all the time to counteract the negative self-talk.

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

I do the same thing, Thay. That's really good advice. It works.

Riccy

alamobelle3 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 615 Location: San antonio Texas

John Bradshaw has a series of books / video on healing the inner child and shame based dysfunctional families.

I highly recommend his work.
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illegitimis non carborundum

Ginger Rodgers matched Fred Astaire step for step only she did it backwards and in high heels !

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 363 Location: Minnesota

well I am afraid I am not going to be much help but I do notice alot of similar types of confusion I have experienced. All I can say, is--be patient with yourself. It will all become clearer every day. All the dynamics, the little subtle innuendos, the facing of what these people are and what they have done to you as you were growing up will get clearer and clearer. Like when you are driving somewhere and you just first see only an outline of something--you think well maybe its this or maybe its that, and then slowly it becomes clearer and clearer to your minds eye. everything eventually comes into focus and will all make sense.

Alamobelle-those books/videos on shame based families sounds really interesting-will have to check those out. Wink

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Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 486

Not going to be much help? That was an excellent post Oaktree.