Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Can you all give an example of the ways in which your N mirrored you?

Which one became the most obvious "falsification" from their "true" selves?

he professed to like the same things I did - love to go to the same places I like to go to. Even said we've 'lived parallel lives' all these years that we'd been out of touch. If I ever brought up how much I enjoyed something, he would be "wow, that is amazing... I love that too".

Claimed to have the same values that I did, and acted that part very well for a while. He knew I highly valued straight-forward honestly and integrity - and would repeatedly say "all i could ever be is completely honest with you", all the while he was dating other people behind my back while I was working nights.

I opened up to him re: a painful time in my life, and how I temporarily withdrew from those I cared about at that time while sorting it out - then used that SAME reason as 'why' he was 'taking a break' from our relationship... neglecting to mention that he had been dating and planning marriage with a young girl or 'staff member' at work while doing the same with me.

the most obvious 'falsification' was the values part - which really includes the others examples I gave too. Anyone who values straight-forward honesty would not have a secret life, nor would they lie repeatedly or profess feelings that they do not genuinely feel, nor would they intentionally harm or hurt people they know genuinely care about them.

I'm a newbie and have some mirroring questions. I see now where in the beginning I told N soooo much and magically(ha) all of that was what he liked/agreed with/felt/thought, too. Then I saw something I wasn't sure about--it struck me as weird--then I decided who cares. Now I want to run it past you guys if nothing more than for some more screw ball ways N's think and do things.
N did some renovations on a family home where he stays. Half way through when I saw it--it looked like my home. Same siding/shutter color scheme, same interior wall color, my old furniture in the den--it was like looking at my house almost but of course it isn't. I just thought "out of all the color combinations possible to choose from--why would someone mimic it all so closely?" especially since he generally made negative comments about my place...too simple, too close to others...I needed to buy a bigger house, blah, blah. Kind of reminds me how an N isn't original, mimics others, wants what others have.
This isn't anything truely important--it just struck me again after I read the mirroring post and I thought of it. Can't really run it past people who don't get N's!

Once I walked by my N's car, and noticed my favorite brand of vitamin water along with a can of Diet Pepsi Lime in the cupholders. I thought--wow, he drinks those too.

Later I realized he had seen me drink those the previous week. Weird.

Copying the house colors? Creepy.

He also told me he LOVES children, when I think he actually despises them. I also got vast diatribes on the importance of honesty, and how much he valued my "integrity."

Is mirroring conscious or unconscious? What would happen if we mirrored them?

I was just thinking about this today. N coworker had NO sense of humor when I met him. Now he gets all of my jokes, even tells similar jokes or stories. Even uses vocal/language accents the same as I do. It is weird. When did he become a mini-me? I admit, I am guilty of becoming like someone a little if I am around them often. A little - not as in the same exact mannerisms! What in the....?

I have mentioned many times my strong feelings about right and wrong and he professes to have the same values. However, this is the same person who scammed an insurance company. He sees nothing wrong with it because it allowed him to get a new car after he got wrecked.

Anyway, this is something that will always puzzle me.........

He amazingly loved everything I loved, no matter what it was.

He shared every life value I had. I said I don't believe in divorce except in the case of violence and/or adultery. He said he absolutely agreed, and though it was much to easy to get divorced today...no one works at anything anymore. Three years later, he's filed for divorce, citing that I am a "nag."
He was completely against cheating. My dad cheated on my mom, and I told him it was my most painful memory. He said there's no reason to cheat. That should never happen, and people who cheat disgust him. He's been having affairs since I was pregnant with our daughter, and this is the first one I've actually flat-out caught him in.
Every opinion I had, every position I took on an issue, etc...he was in complete agreement...until he was talking to someone else with an opposing viewpoint, then he supported that one.

He took everything of mine, hobbies, values, beliefs, ideas and made them his own.

The last time I spoke to him I mentioned that I was keeping my life simple, low and behold the next day on his facebook comment appeared "I keep my life simple".

Great post!

My husband said he had the same morals as myself. Though after we got married, the stories started to unravel and I discovered he wasn't such a moral person.

Now I know he doesn't have any!

The mirroring is part of the envy. My entire family drive european cars. I'm talking my immediate family 16 people. All european cars.

He did not have one.

I didn't care. Just before we got married he just had to buy one.

I couldn't believe it at the time. Since I have left him, he has said that I made him sell his car and buy a european car!

OMG> I had to laugh. Luckily my parents and siblings heard me asking him not to buy the car( too much debt, which I ended up paying for).

Well the real laugh about the mirroring thing and envy, as soon as I left him, he got personalised number plates for his car....nvmeee (envy me)

What a loser.

Why would anyone envy him?!

It does make me laugh. He denies there is anything wrong with him. That number plate says it all to me.

Yep, he *appeared* to have all the same values, still does to some extent. However, as time went on, when the arguing started, we could never leave it at "agree to disagree". He would scream all night until I agreed with him. "Married people can't disagree about anything!" "We have to agree on everything!" Yikes...

I also had a really hard time with the contradictions.

Before I understood the mirroring thing, I seriously thought N was a split personality. Sometimes I still feel that way! He literally would say one and do the opposite. Then lecture ME about what he just did! Sooo psychotic!

Wanna hear something HILARIOUS???

A few years back, he was the victim of "identity theft."
And I thought:

1. What IS there to steal, and
2. Why would somebody want to steal it?

Great post........

In the beginning......we seemed to want the same things in life, had the same goals, the same humour, you name it, it was the same......I thought I had won the jackpot..........and he told me that I was his soul mate.......

As time went on, it became very obvious, he wasnt in the least bit interested, in anything that interested me.........I learnt that he mirrored me in the beginning..........to reel me in......x

Yeh, I've learned something valuable from what I did in the first few days/weeks with the exN. All those LONG conversations we had--talking and laughing for hours and hours--sharing hopes and dreams. Well, with a normal person that's how it works--you share over time. But with exN, it was me sharing and him memorizing, agreeing, gathering all the info he needed to launch. Ugh, it is sickening when I look at how it worked now. On the one hand, I've learned to guard a little more(lot more??I dunno)but then one has to be a normal person, give of yourself to another, function as a loving/sharing being to the RIGHT ones. I couldn't have avoided the tricks of this guy because I'm normal and just not wired up backwards. What kind of guy would take the hopes and dreams of a girl, make them his own(supposedly)and then twist them upside down and inside out just because? Only an N is the answer. Verbal bulimia is something to learn from this for sure.

free2be etal,
Yea, I call it oral diahrrea. But the part that still hurts is that for 10 years I believed her. Sure she was needy, sure she dominated every conversation, and she certainly responded with vehemence at any challenge, "word salad" ,amazing vanity, unaware of the world around her except as it served her, and on and on. But I believed that the occasional glimpse of her worst behaviors was not who she really was. I believed in her commitment to us, and to our shared spiritual values. In the end i found that the infidelities went on for most of our time together. I've since learned that the worst behaviors are who she actually is. I never expected lying, cheating, theft, acts of pure malice, and the total disregard for how she hurt me. Her parting words:"when you start dating again wear the blue sweater, it looks good on you."
It all seems like a lifetime ago. She was right about one thing though, the blue sweater does look good on me, and I'm wearing it Sat. nite on my first date in 12 years![/i]

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Now when I see a great looking guy, the first thing I think is:
"He Must be a Narcissist."
It's a total turn-off,, and the better looking he is, the more disgusted I feel, even never having met the guy.

So weird how these N's twist our thinking. :(

How interesting! My N was 10 years younger than me. He used the same kinds of lines with me. He would tell me about all of these older women he had been with and that I was so hot, that I was perfect in every way. Yeah. He worked it! I bought it, too. He moved really quickly and wanted to consummate things right away. Pushed every button I had to get there, too. "Oh, you are my soul mate." "I could spend the rest of my life with you." "Would you ever marry someone like me?" "I've never really been in love." then the revelation that he was falling in love with me.... "I can't believe someone like you could ever want someone like me?" Of course mine was no Brad Pitt. His appeal was all in the wounded puppy eyes and the bad boy image. In hindsight, it is so embarassing in so many ways! I'm definitely old enough to know better.

This is fascinating. Am familiar with projection but mirroring is not something I have been very conscious of. What I have noticed in the last year or so is how much my ex N and I are alike, he will express similiar views and values but does not back them up. The only person who thinks he is decent is himself, which has been what I have been telling people lately. Have been trying to understand why he says one thing and does the opposite. Comes accross as a caring human being, when he is so not. I could not understand any of this but I think I do now.

PS He phoned me at 1.30am to say my light was on and could he drop by tomorrow to say goodbye to his son. I hung up on him and said nothing. More games, there is no way he will leave town. Doing no contact now except what I have to in regard to our son.

Best I read up on children of, it has just occurred to me what a great source of supply an innocent child that loves his father.

I'm new to all of this but I believe my husband has been mirroring. When we first started dating he hadn't been to church in years!! One week after dating him he wanted to start going to church with us. I went to Texas A&M for college. He now lies and tells his "girlfriends" that he went to Texas A&M and has even taken one to the campus and showed her his dorm room even though he never went to college there.
He also seems to have autistic traits. He can remember every detail of a song, the dates, the singers, etc. Is this part of being a narcissist/psyhcopathic tendencies?

paul59 wrote:free2be etal,
Yea, I call it oral diahrrea. But the part that still hurts is that for 10 years I believed her. Sure she was needy, sure she dominated every conversation, and she certainly responded with vehemence at any challenge, "word salad" ,amazing vanity, unaware of the world around her except as it served her, and on and on. But I believed that the occasional glimpse of her worst behaviors was not who she really was. I believed in her commitment to us, and to our shared spiritual values. In the end i found that the infidelities went on for most of our time together. I've since learned that the worst behaviors are who she actually is. I never expected lying, cheating, theft, acts of pure malice, and the total disregard for how she hurt me. Her parting words:"when you start dating again wear the blue sweater, it looks good on you."
It all seems like a lifetime ago. She was right about one thing though, the blue sweater does look good on me, and I'm wearing it Sat. nite on my first date in 12 years![/i]

hey paul, good look with your date on saturday and im sure you will look great in your blue jumper :) xbwx

Aggie:

That is creepy how your Ex is re-writing his history, to include his (your) "college."

This is the one thing that is fascinating, yet maddening to me. Obviously, the whole thing is bogus; but do they know it? Or believe it?

That's why you can't trust what an N says. Maybe it's true, maybe not. What kind of reality is that???

I do think they show some autistic traits as well. Ns can be co-morbid with lots of things, as I have found out. Their brains are a tangled mess.

This is a really interesting thread and poses some interesting questions. I noticed mirroring in my relationship with my N ex when I dated him but when we broke up it became even more apparent. His facebook profile listed my favourite composers as his, the books I had recommended him to read and even his religious views had changed completely to mirror mine. He then chased after a young schoolgirl from my sports club (20 miles from where he lived). It was weird, especially as he had discarded every gift I had ever given him and professed that he never wanted to see me again. Even though he wanted me out of his life, he makes choices that keep me close.
I was always conscious of the fact that even though he was a voracious reader, a doctor of engineering and a 'clever' person, he didn't seem to be able to form his own opinions about things. He was incredibly gullible and hugely vulnerable to manipulation and would regularly do u-turns in his 'beliefs'. A funny incident occurred when he watched Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth'. He spent 2 weeks spouting on and on about how global warming would kill us all. Then he watched another film 'The Great Global Warming Swindle' and without any self consciousness or awareness, spent the next month telling me (incidentally I'm an earth science grad) that it was all a lie. He was utterly blinded by the glossy propaganda and had no facility to reason for himself that the truth probably lay somewhere in between (but more likely closer to the side with all the evidence)!
When I think of him and his disposable morals and beliefs now, it reminds me of the story of the Emperor's New Clothes. I can him imagine him prancing about the town naked, head held high, lapping up the admiring cheers from an 'adoring' crowd of subjects with the finest tailor in the land standing behind him counting out the money he paid with a treacherous smile on his face.
Do I think the mirroring is conscious? No, I don't. I think its a learned (but unconscious) behaviour that flourishes because it rewards his addiction. And the chameleon behaviour/beliefs? A flexible belief system will attract more potential suppliers and when you go higher up the ladder of superiority for your supply, the quality of the drug gets better! From my experience with an N, I believe that their lies/distortions/manipulations/untruths are all unconscious. I don't think my ex realised he was lying me. I don't think he chose to think about it because it would make him a less superior person if he had a negative character trait of any kind. He seemed shocked when I pointed out all the times he had misled me or lied to me and could give me no explanation as to why he did.
I'm an atheist myself but think that humans are are more than the sum of our parts. Perhaps it is a soul, or perhaps its just the ability to empathise makes us different from a machine. I see my ex now as a machine... a hollow, empty computer.
I am reading a really interesting book at the moment (The Man Who Mistook His Wife for A Hat - Oliver Sacks) and the case studies he presents of neurological disorders have always have a physiological cause (and sometimes a cure too). Some of the symptoms he describes are similar to those of an NPD person. It makes me wonder if there is a drug or a cure out there that could fix this horrible affliction.
Here's hoping!

After I turfed my stbxnh out and despite him moving immediately on to his new NS (OW he had been keeping charged up in the background), he suddenly became very interested in doing pastimes /hobbies I had previously had, that he had always mocked, derided, and ultimately prevented me from enjoying.
Nutter :(

My N daughter mirrors my N ex-wife pefectly. Whatever she says comes straight out of mummys playbook.. word for word.. How I was like this or like that and I didn't do such and such etc etc..

Strange but true...

MM

Peace