Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 965

Okay, this question isn't for me -- it relates to someone else's thread, but I thought it placed it as a separate topic, it would easier to get this question answered.

Is mediation binding in California? I know mediation is automatically scheduled there for certain cases, but if the parties go to mediation and are unable to reach an agreement on their own, does the mediator make some sort of report back to the court? What kind of report? Will the mediator give the court an opinion based on the mediation? In other words, if a party knows she can not reach a mutual agreement with the other party in mediation, is it in the party's best interest to "play all her cards" at the mediation or is it better to show up, politely give a brief arguement as to why she doesn't agree with the other party and be done with it?

I ask this because here everything discussed in mediation is held under lock and key and can not be used in any other legal proceedings. So, in my case mediation is a waste of time -- N used it as free discovery and yet another place to lie and make false promises. But, if the mediator has some pull with the case on down the road, that's a different story.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 965

Summer,

Then I don't understand why your attorney said you will just basically make an appearance at mediation. I think you should be prepared to not only defend yourself from his 'allegations' but also present your counter concerns on what occurs at Ns house.

I would be interested to know how much weight the mediation has. It's different here - everything that is said in medition is sealed except for an agreement if you reach one.

Kitcat0341 · Joined: 04 Mar 2007 Posts: 15

In my case, the mediator made a recommendation to the judge, based on what she thought would be in the best interest of the child.

I'm not sure if the mediator was biased. I felt like it at the time. She lied about me once. Perhaps it was what she thought happened as opposed to what actually happened. I felt judged, and I no doubt was. I left the marriage with my ex's best friend. Even my lawyer didn't like that one. Oh, well. God throws us life lines, and I would have left with the devil himself if given the chance. Guess who paid for the lawyer? I couldn't, I didn't even receive child support.

Anyways, the mediator is SUPPOSE to be unbiased, and make her(his) recommendations to the court. The court usually uses those recommendations as a guide line.

What is unfair about this, is that the mediator tries to "be fair" to the N, who is playing her like a piano. They don't get it, and they don't seem to care much about not getting it. I looked at all the books about abuse lining the shelves in her office, and asked her if she actually read them. She said she did, but she was not very validating or interested in hearing my side. I feel like she judged me.

Good Luck, and I pray you don't get the same mediator I had!
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Change never comes from fighting what is wrong, it comes from loving what is right.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 965

Summer,

I am so sorry that your first experience with mediation was a nightmare. You are smarter and stronger now than you were than. You understand what you are dealing with (an N) and you understand the legal process. He is not going to pull one over everyone, unless you let him. Don't get so consumed in feeling that you are doomed. I have this same problem Summer. If you become so overwhelmed and give up hope, you aren't going to have a good outcome. Keep telling yourself that you know you have done nothing wrong. Prepare, prepare, prepare. I used to channel my nerves in getting my case ready. Amazing, you will gain confidence in the process of getting yourself ready.

I probably shouldn't have been so hard on your paralegal -- she may have said just make an appearance because she knows the mediation is going to be tough on you. But you did the right thing, you researched the law and now you understand. By the way, your evaluation from before provided you with vindication. Unfortunately, N had just beat you so far down at that point, it was too late. But you are a lot tougher now. Look what you have endured just to get to this point.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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Kitcat0341 · Joined: 04 Mar 2007 Posts: 15

When we used the mediator in CA, she saw my son separately. And he had alot of input about his destiny.

That's why we were told not to come back after he turned 13. At that age, they threatened to give the boy his way about most everything. Everyone told us this, from the mediator to the lawyer who handled the divorce.

When things turned in my favor, it's because I went in armed with the counselors report and pediatric records. We still had to go thru the facilitator in court. And he had the young lady in tears. Then a male facilitator came out and started making him back down. I still walked away with less than the mediators recommendations because they try to make you come to an agreement, and my ex just wore me down thru out the whole process. When I saw the female facilitator in tears, I knew how she felt, and didn't feel so bad myself for crying out of frustration. My ex was a weasel thru the whole process.

Can you arm yourself with fact supporting documents?
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Change never comes from fighting what is wrong, it comes from loving what is right.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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1ablueprincess · Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 195

Hi Summer! I am sooo sorry for your situation.... typical a$$ Ns!! My advice to you would be to spend as much time as possible with your children (which I am sure you already are). Even though it "may" look like you are bashing the N, go to the mediator or the judge AND the child's attorney and give them your documents. Tell them ALL you are not trying to bash the N, and that you are just thinking about the best interests of your children. They NEED to know what they are dealing with. Very few divorces are actually contested. Statistically when there is a heavily contested divorce (as just about everyone here has) it is because one of the parties are mentally disturbed and abusive. The court just needs to figure out which person it is that is causing the problems and if you do not defend yourself they will never figure it out.

Be strong!
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survivor

vmm · Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 185

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 905

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