Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I think my sense of safety and security has been forever changed. I wonder if I will always be hypervigilant. I wonder if I will ever sleep well again.

I realize that if he wants to kill me, he will. if he wants to break into my home undetected, he can do it. The ONLY recourse I have is a gun. Sociopaths have no conscience. I do not believe he would think twice about killing me if he thought he could get away with it. He would do it without a second thought.

I feel like I have been exposed to a kind of evil that I really had no concept about before and I wonder if I will ever feel safe again. I've become obssessed with guns and self protection. I had plans to get a rifle but was on the fence about it, now I'm kicking myself because I think I need it right now that I don't have one. A friend of mine is getting me one..So hopefully I will have one in a couple of days.

I wonder if I will ever shake my ex-boyfriend or will I be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I hope he will move on. I wonder if I will ever trust anyone again...I wonder if I will always be blind to the warning signs.

It has occurred to me that there are some people in this world that either need to be dead or in prison and this man is one of them. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life.

Yes AmberEyes, I have felt like you do now. And I'm so very sorry you are right in the middle of it. I remember it well, too well.

Is there anywhere you can stay right now, where he won't be able to find you? Just for a few days till you can feel stronger and safer?
A friends house? A hotel? A woman's refuge?
So you can sleep in peace a few nights?

You need sleep and rest to gather your strength and get on top of all that fear you have (fear can be a good thing and you need it right now I reckon to help keep you safe.)

Anywhere you can go where you will feel safe, just for a while? A short holiday maybe?
You need some rest and a place to feel safe while you gather your strength and make plans.

All the best. Be safe xx

Hi...If your worried about his breaking in then go to a store and buy a small alarm for your doors...theyre cheap...dont use tools...and are loud enuf to warn you if someone breaks in......Lock your doors and put heavy furniture in front....If someones gonna break in at least make it hard.....Most car keys have a panic button on them....Park outside the garage and keep that by you at all times....use it if needed....It will alert neighbors....It takes lots of time to start feeling safe again.....but you never want to let your guard down totally.I know how you feel tho...initially it feels like nothing good will ever happen.In this patience is definantly a virtue.

I can relate. My P is a constant threat even when he is not acting out. Every time he gives it a rest, I begin to get on with my life and then here he comes again.
I have two guns. A 357 revolver and a 12gu shotgun. I know how to use them and shoot them on the range when I get a chance. They are always loaded. The P knows all about them and I think they are the reason he has not stormed my front door so far. He just creeps around the neighborhood and sends his P junior son up to the property once in awhile to vandalize some petty little thing. I think that for all his bluster he is really a coward.
I have spent way too much time wondering "what he will do next". It is hard to not get obsessed when your life is at stake. I have a fenced property and six dogs. One of them is a pit bull puppy that I am raising and training for my own companionship and protection. Today I feel pretty darn safe.
The turning point came for me when I accepted that the cops can't or won't protect me from this guy and he's not going to give up until he "wins". Now, when I think about it, I concentrate on the fact that if I am faced with a deadly force situation I must shoot to kill, not wound. This frees me up to think about other things because the thought of it is so horrible...but it is what I might have to do. And I plan on doing it well.
Take self defense classes. Carry mace. Get a pit bull. Get a firearm where you don't even have to aim (shotgun) and keep your legal paperwork in order. You will realize that he is not in charge of your life...you are. Meet this challenge. You can do this. Good luck.


I would rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

Yes, I can relate. It's a sad situation not to feel safe in your own home.

After getting rid of my Pstepson two weeks ago, I am finally starting to sleep again...but with a 22, a mag flashlight and a phone by my bed. I changed the deadbolt, but still keep the doors locked at all times and a careful eye out the window. I truly believe that he would do me harm if he thought he could get away with it.

Arm yourself, be alert, and continue no contact.
He will eventually move on if you don't play his game.

It's amazing how we can be fooled by these charming chameleon monsters.

I have alarms on all the doors and wondows. I feel like that is all I need...A warning. I'm ready to kill him if he comes here. I absolutely believe I could do it. Though, I seem to be alternating between fear and hyperviglence and a sense of helplessness. I'm pretty depressed right now and feeling hopeless. I found a counselor who does EMDR, but he is out of town and wont be back for another couple of weeks. I think I do have PTSD. This has brought up a lot of buried memories. I feel all out of sorts, like I am going to spiral out of control and am hanging on the edge of holding myself together. I dont know anyone in this town, Ive just moved.
When my ex contacted me again I called the authorities and they arrested him and I felt somewhat empowered, but then time passes and I feel afraid again and helpless.
I am just very alone. My mom had promised to come stay with me a couple of days a week (I work from home and my office is here,) but she isnt now and I shouldnt be surprised because she just doesnt live up to her promises and shes always been that way.
I am having trouble leaving the house, but ive been forcing myself to go for a walk every day and sometimes I think about him driving down the road and runnig me over and then that would be the end of it.

I've decided to leave my home and move in with my mother. I just bought this house 4 months ago. I live in a rural area and I don't know anyone here. I'm out in the country alone. I cannot sleep over an hour or so at a time and I wake up in a panic. Every little noise in the house sets me off. I just cannot handle it anymore. I'm going to take a big financial hit will all this (I'm taking a big financial hit no matter what I do,) and living with my mother is not the best option, but it is better than living in fear day in and day out. I wish the situation was that I could just pack my bags and move there, but its not.

Living in fear is incredibly emotionally and physically draining. His latest contact with me just terrified me and after talking with his exwife (who is concerned about my safety,) we both think he has killed before. I just feel like a sitting duck. His exwife told me that after she left him it gave her a lot of comfort that she was with family and friends who would protect her. I don't have anyone but my mother, but she lives in a condominium and there are a lot of people close by.

I talked with his exwife for quite a while and she says that it sounds like he is getting worse than when she was married to him. She said she had been thinking about me constantly since our first conversation and was worried if I were okay.

I don't think I can heal from this unless I get away from here. It is terrifying being alone. It's a kind of fear that a person cannot imagine unless they have experienced it for themselves.

You know, I still am in shock over all of this. Rereading this post seems surreal.

They often get worse. Mine did.

He was covert with me. I guess now he's not even really hiding his horrible behavior.

I'm glad you are deciding to take care of yourself regardless of the financial impact. You are not a dollar sign. You are a human being who has been through something horrid - money comes back. You can make it back. You have options and you are going to be okay.

BTW, that fear eventually leaves. It did with me. Then again, mine was never violent. I do remember after breaking up, I had no idea what he would do. I felt someone watching me - could have been completely in my mind - but I felt it. I was always worried walking to my car at night, etc. Again, it was the uncertainty that scared me. I put a knife under my bed and bought pepper spray.
It kind of felt like the days after 9/11 - when we weren't sure if another attack was going to happen and everyone was on edge. It felt like that. :(

Take care of yourself. You are doing the right thing.

Thank you Knoxy..I'm up and down and up and down. Today was better, but then I started having flashbacks again. I keep seeing his face above me when I came to after he knocked me out. I'm sorry I feel like I am hogging the board and being repetative. I just have moments, like right now, where I just feel terrified. There are so many other things going on in my life right now...issues with my daughter and her father and stepmother, I signed over custody to them and we go to court next month. I will have to face my ex in court next month. I have lupus and it is flaring. I am not able to keep up with my job and they are threatening to put me to part time, which means no benefits and not as much money. The lien is weighing heavy on me. I feel like such a fool. The problems with my daugher are the worst....Just moving here and not knowing anyone. Not being able to sleep. Other health issues that prevent me from lifting anything. My cat died the day before yesterday. It keeps going around and around in my head that he was drugging me....He was drugging me and I didn't know what was going on. I know he was planning on killing me (talk of power of attorney, will, and life insurance as well as the drugging,)and I know I keep repeating this over and over, but I'm just having a lot of trouble getting my brain around all of this. How can this be anyone's reality? It all seems so improbable. I'm terrified he will come after me...I'm not sure if that fear is justified or not, but I am having it and panic like I have never had. His ex believes he has killed before and I believe he has too, but surely he wouldn't go that far. In a matter of 4 months this man has turned my life upside down and I don't think I will ever be the same again. I'm afraid to leave the house, afraid to stay in the house, and just afraid. I can't move in with my mother yet due to my work and other issues. I'm trying to hold myself together. It does help immensely to know that the fear gets better, and I do have moments when it is better than it was. I dont understand this delayed reaction. I felt so strong right after he left.

AmberEyes, I am so sad for you going through so much all at once! And losing your kitty as well. So sorry.

It’s normal to feel strong at first, it’s the adrenalin that kicks in to keep us moving and safe during a dangerous situation. Then comes the come-down from that high. It’s totally normal, although very unsettling.

My advice to you, is see a doctor. If you are not coping with life, and not sleeping, you need help right NOW.
I know this site doesn’t condone drug use, but in this case it sounds like you need some help to calm you down just to get some sleep at night.

The human body can only survive with no rest/peace/sleep for so long. Perhaps a good night’s sleep and relaxation can help break the cycle of panic and stress.
Can you get help with sleep? Or relaxation?
I use valium during times of high stress so I can rest. For me, it’s a God send and I very rarely need it, just during high stress times when I can’t control my fear and get sleep. It breaks the cycle for me, then I can think clearly without being so damn tired from panic and sleep deprivation.

Having a good therapist will help too, but it can take a while to find one who you click with. And now is such a busy time for you, shopping around for a good therapist may just add to your stress.
Not sure. You will probably need a therapist pretty soon, just to get a handle on everything that’s happening. And learn how to deal

But right now, I reckon you need rest quite urgently. I’ve been in similar circumstances where waves of utter terror would overtake me and I was scared for my life.
When that happens, I need good sleep to cope with the day ahead.
Go to a doctor and see what help you can get. What works for you to get sleeping again.
Something may work. Just to break the stress cycle. Temporarily until you can move into a safer place.

And Yes, the fear will go away. One day.
Right now, you need sleep and rest at least for a few hours at night. It is better for your body that way.

Others here may disagree, and maybe it isn’t the answer for you. I have found it was the answer for my peace of mind when I was losing my grip. But only temporarily.
Not as a cop-out, Just to let your body have some much needed peace for a bit at night during this time of high stress.

Hope that helps. You have so much on your plate. If we could all be there with you, we would help you in every way we could. But hopefully gathering information and ideas online from those of us who have been where you are (and are where you are) will help you get through this even stronger.

You sound like a strong woman AmberEyes. You WILL get through this and be even stronger than ever !!

Thank you guys...you are my main support. I slept most of Sunday though I was supposed to be working. I have insomnia and have taken Ambien for years.

I found a doc online that does EMDR. Has anyone had luck with that? Ive heard it works quickly and I need to get on with life.

I really dont want to move in with mom, but it would help me financially in the long run, though I feel like my property could quadrapule in value in the next 10 years, I just dont think I can deal with it all. I'm losing my dream home...and so soon after moving in. THis complicates my financial situation so much. I dont want to live here alone.

My ex and I had so many happy plans,,,,

How long does it take to get past initial fears? When will I stop crying 10 times a day? At times I still cannot believe my ex through it all away on his insistance of doing drugs here. Silly....I though the whole realationship was about our partnership.

I will always look over my shoulder.

Amber Eyes, I don't know how long it takes to get through the initial fear. It is different for everyone.
BUT you will get through it. Perhaps sooner than you think.

Many years ago, I was too ill to work and being with my NMother was NOT an option, so I advertised to house sit for people.
I spent many months, happily looking after people's homes, gardens, and lovely pets. It was free, sometimes I was paid. And it was bliss.

Is that an option for you?
There are many online and offline places you can put your name down to house sit for folks on holidays. Hubby and I use them all the time when we have to be away. We pay them too, so they are earning money as well as having a lovely home to live in.
Last time was 6 weeks, while we were overseas.

One of my house sitting stints years ago was for 6 months. It was a stunning home with ocean views. Heaven!
But then again, one for about 3 months was a real stinky sh*t hole.
But, if you don't want to be with your mother, it could be an option. Even for a few days here and there, just to have a breather from her now and then.

Also (banging my head for not thinking of this first): can you rent your home to someone else, and use the rent money to pay for you to live somewhere else? Lots of folks are doing this now, to wait it out while their home increases in value. It's something I've done before, and Hubby and I are thinking we'll do it in the next couple of months because my Pbrother knows where I live and he's shitting me driving by all the time.
We want to move, but not sell. So we'll rent it out and live in peace, elsewhere. Plus we'll live in a cheaper home, that way we'll have money left over from rent. Yay.
Is that a possible alternative to living with your mother?

I just got off the phone with the district attorney. She is concerned for my safety. We go before the judge in a few weeks for the violation of the order of protection and since it is a clear violation he will have some sort of sentance. The judge cannot take into consideration his prior orders of protection and probably not his criminal record, but the district attorney is pulling his criminal history. She told me to stay with someone else or if I stay in my home to get a gun.

Yes, I live in terror. i jump about 3 feet whenever I hear a pin drop. I know it's silly, but there's somehting psysiological going on there. I'm scared of guns, but I'm saving up to get a dog. A big one. They're fuzzier than guns and I figure that having a gun around would freak me out, but having a dog would make things feel more normal not less. I used to have a dog that was a very good protector, even with no training, and I remember now how totally safe I always felt with him. Plus dogs are soothing, and god knows I need some soothing right now.

Sorry you're feeling bad

I'm sorry you're going through this:(
While I am 99% sure my XN, in the past, came into my home & tried to make me think I had a "stalker", etc., I was not frightened at the time. It didn't even occur to me at the time that it could be him. Why would he do that - he had a key! Boy, was I stupid. And that was when things were pretty okay.
Now that I know what/who he really is, what he's done in the past, and what he is capable of, I'm in the same boat.
He feels I've wronged him this time.
If I'm sleeping, I could be caught off-guard. That is the only time I worry. Bedtime.
And honestly, I think if he did decide to do something, he would get local under-age thugs to do it. That is how he works. Have heard nothing from him for the past few weeks since the very angry email & texts, and the text saying he was "coming for" me. Not typical behavior from him. None of it. I've caught some of his friends and family members scoping out where I live currently. Not typical behavior for them either. He doesn't involve his family in his personal life.
I try not to think about it and just continue on building my life. I am alert & aware. I've changed my plans so many times in the past few weeks because I am so afraid of making the wrong choice. Like you, I was all set to move to an isolated place in the country. Then I realized how that could be a bad thing in this situation.
Basically, I'm down to choosing the right option at this point. And it's all on me. I'm fortunate to have as many options as I do.
All the advice you've gotten here is very good.
Another good thing to remember is if you ever need to yell for "help" - yell "fire" instead. People tend to pay more attention to that.

Get a BIG dog.

Love him/her, Nurture him/her, treat him/her like a member of the family.

You won't be sorry.

I sleep very well with my big Monster Dog.

He won't even let a roach in the house without killing it.