Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Stacieb · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 59

Hello Ladies,

Sorry about another post, im new and learning and I have another question so please bare with me.

I recieved an email a long time ago and ive always wondered if it was nice or a little weird.

Id like to share some of it with you . it was from my xP and im copying and pasting this exactly as it was written to me.

"I have worked out what I love about you and why, I love what I cannot see, i love that intangible quality you hold, that "thing" that you are and always have been. That is what tantalizes me, delights all of my senses and creates a certain emotional admiration of you"

"It explains that when I hold you there is no need for words or conversation, they limit and distort the "Pure You" inside.

"You walk into a room , you are 100%, I walk into the room with you , you look at me and try to tell me how you are feeling but you fail, you fail because there is a set of words, a dictionary, you have been taught, you cant make up your own words as I wont understand them, everything you say to me will be degraded down to 70% because all i would of received was a few words and i can only understand 20% of what you wanted me to understand

The personality you have is something that is nothing but an interpreter for YOU

Nothing you say can constitute me loving you

Whatever spirit man is inside me, hes happy when im with you, and longs for you when im without you, hes not writing this letter, i am but i can feel he is glad i am writing this.

when something is wrong with you or me, or your doing something bad or wrong, its like the real you....that spirit , shouts to me and begs my attention saying "help" or "shes in trouble again" and in response, my spirit or soul makes the physical me feel different usually a dwelling pain in my stomach, which then sparks me to physically take action and find out whats going on.

I cannot say all my love for you is because I love you, or your personality and the things you say and do. Its not.

I love whats inside you, behind all those feelings and words.

It is like there is something inside us both, and both spirits inside us are connected and are "in love" and we as people have to just follow those instincts , not ever knowing if its just looks, words, sex or personality that we love about each other.

The emotions i feel overwhelm me when we are together, and your personality you have taken on is a mere tunnel to the real spirit and vibe of you, the soul or aura you have drives me wild when i think about you.

So ladies lol, after all this time I thought this was the most beautiful love letter I had ever recieved........now i read it knowing what i know now and think

"My good lord, this man is a major P"

Anyone else recieve a grand love letter that just made you think maybe , just maybe it was a little wrong somehow?

Stacie xxx

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

In psychology/psychiiatry we call this "word salad"--he is stringing words and sentences together that are not connected. Not complete thoughts, he is just trying to sound "caring" but doesn't know how.

I read something some where recently about Ps doing this, and I can't remember where it was, but that above is the gist of it.

Doesn't make any SENSE does it? LOL
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Nolongerhisvictim · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1380

Stacie, the answer is yes.....I (and I'm fairly certain this also applies to many others here) have received letters full of verbage that try to make us feel so connected to the P that we feel like nothing without them.....it is all part of their game...and that's all it is is game. Every word they use is a calculated step to bring about an ends to a means. They lie and have no truth in them. But unfortunately there is something inside of us, something these professional manipulators have honed in on, that makes us vulnerable to them and causes us to believe their lies, even when we sense "red flags." They get to know us by posing questions or scenarios to try to understand our value systems, and then when the time is right, after they have made all the right calculated moves, they swoop in for the kill, leaving us feeling raped, defiled, and emotionally devastated to the point we feel like we will never be the same.

The good news is that there is healing after the devastation they bring if NC is kept firmly in place. I am here to tell ya that I never thought I'd be happy again....but I AM truly happy, WITHOUT him in my life. I have not read the letters he gave me in almost a year (it's been 18 months NC)...I found that, for me, it was a way for me to "punish" myself, which didn't aid in my healing. I still haven't disposed of the letters and things, but I have them locked away until the day I have a bonfire to destroy them all! I feel that day approaching closer every day.

Take care of yourself hon...
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NLHV

knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 1047

Rachelle · Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:09 am Post subject:

Hi Stacie,

Good grief, what a letter!

Isn't he clever at confusing you with lots of words, and formatting them in a way to make you have to analyse them to get the real meaning!

I think you have had such a lucky escape from him, what a mess. To be honest it worried me more that he is convinced he knows how you think more than you do!

Rach
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People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in; their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

Stacieb · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 59

I went and searched "word salad" and yeah the words are strung together but they make no sense. Youd have to read between the lines for a long time to see if there is a real meaning to the letter.

BloomingintheSON · Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 345

Stacieb · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 59

Thankyou ladies for your support and Matilda, I really understand that letter for the first time ever! Thankyou so much for explaining what he was saying.

I cannot believe that "Word Salad" he was spewing out had such a different meaning.

I always knew that letter was a bit off, and so did many of my non-NP friends, they said they cant put their finger on what was wrong but they felt that there was something not right.

I didn't know that an N could go as far as not writing things down due to paranoia! that is strange and not something I have come across although my xP didn't want to talk about his life or previous experiences or in fact his feelings. Any questioning I did was intrusion according to him.

Two Friends

I also have two friends that my xP left around for me, he didn't speak to them anymore and they stuck around after our second child's death to support me and said they hated the xP and what he did to me, said they had no respect for him etc.

Whenever we were all together they would both (even in company of our other friends) stick by me all the time we were in company and wouldnt leave my side.

They grew up with my xP and lived in the same small town, they were together for many years.

I have known my xP, and his two friends for around 6 years.

Both of them have shown weird behaviour, specially the foremost of these two friends.

"dave" would always follow me around when I went to visit them , and if "Steve" (the other friend) walked in the room he would glare at me

My other non- NP friend alerted me to this when he told me a while ago that Steve was staring at me as though his blood was boiling and it freaked him out so he pulled me aside and told me the instant it happened, we happened to be in the pub at the time. My Non-NP friend told me it scared him as it was such a unhuman way to look at someone.

of course I thought nothing of it at the time.

My friend Dave sort of acts as a cling on, I was going through a non talking phase recently, where I was trying to deal with the funeral of last year, and getting myself back together and I just didnt want to talk about anything confidential to do with myself or if I was seeing anyone or interested in anyone. but i got an email complaining about this fact. which is as follows;

Can you lay down for me then what "Confidential" information is to you please?

What I'm going to assume henceforth is that your entire life is confidential, and that I can only speak about whats gone on in my life

"But I have been asked not to talk about this anymore with anyone " you say

Now this is better, Now you are talking about stuff your meant to keep secret.

I understand you don't want to share anything..

I don't understand WHY

But I do understand.

When you want to talk to me, Do it!! .....otherwise I dont know what I can say that wont make you say the words "I dont want to discuss this"

He kept bugging me and bugging me and would not drop it , i ended up feeling invaded so i had to go offline for 3 months so i could get some darn peace.

He would call my cell phone 12 times in less than 15 mins , and when i wouldnt answer I would find my email inbox filled with emails constantly moaning at me that hes bored and needs my input about his relationship woes, and how his best friend (someone I hardly knew) had sex with his ex partner and how he had forgiven him with all his heart yet he felt this friend and his other friends were ganging up on him by not inviting him places and how if anyone crosses him he would kill them or make their life hell.

I dont get to see them very often as we live hundreds of miles apart, and its expensive to travel to their town. One time after the funeral I went to see Dave as he said I needed a break.

My xP weirdly phoned Dave when I was there , knew I was spending time with him and told him to "look after her, keep her safe, i dont mind you two hanging out , I think its good, so what are you doing? what are your plans" etc etc

My xP used to be jealous of Dave and my friendship as we used to share our thoughts and ideas with each other, stuff I couldnt do with the xP cause he was so emotionally cut off.

Dave's outlook on life and something he always tells me is: (and this is all in his own words as is all the other email sections;

"Im the best at everything, im cocky and im always right you cannot argue with me on that so dont bother trying"

"Steve" the other friend

Whenever I would talk to Steves brother online, (who we will call "Carl") Carl would tell me Steve would keep walking in his room and watching what we were talking about but with deception excuses such as "I need a dvd" or "I need this or that"

Carl said Steve would turn the computer off at the mains to stop him from being online all the time as it wasnt good for him, Carl suspects it was to stop him from conversing with me.

this is what Steve said to me about speaking with Carl when I confronted him about why he was being so immature about the whole situation.

"You made him the way he is, he wouldnt talk until you started talking to him and he is trying to impress you so you made him that way"

"Your a woman, just think of him as a retard"

I was speechless, this is school ground behaviour , im nearly 30! and Carl and I are solid platonic friends, even Carl was shocked

his reply to my putdown was........

"God woman , stop taking this so seriously, just make sure he knows you dont like him in that way"

I bought Steve a present a while ago and when I asked him if he liked it. he said:

"It takes time to get on my arm and you have managed to get wrapped around it rather fast, this bracelet wont ever leave my arm"

He would then ask me weird things, flirt (even though he had a partner) and would argue with me on purpose (I see that now when I read the old emails etc) said he was wearing his present constantly and never took it off. Last time I saw it on him it was frayed and dirty.

I decided to stop talking to him after that as it was freaking me out and his behaviour was so like my xPs it was uncanny. Since then he hasnt contacted me or spoken to me but is always walking into Carls room when we are talking.

Carl is a lovely friend and one of the ones I can trust so I spend most of my "at home" life talking to him. Im not a hermit I just havent got many friends I can trust. Id love to go out more but my son is my priority and I dont feel like going out and partying, id rather stay in with a good book , carry on at college or talk to my councellor (who happens to be my step father)

Everytime I saw Steve in person he would just stare at me, One time i was visiting him at his house and he was standing there for the whole hour just glaring at my face , it wasnt admiration or attraction gazes.. it was full-on , vacant staring and made me feel so uncomfortable, I actually felt a pulling sensation in my lower stomach, it wasnt like my xPs stares , this felt malicious and malevolent. Nasty almost. I kept looking away but when I looked back at him he was still staring and standing in the exact same position as before.

Dave and Steve are so competative with each other, when one of them has something amazing they have just purchased the other actually went out of his way to crash his automobile to get the money from insurance to purchase what Steve had.

Dave actually tells people that he wont ever be crossed or manipulated and if anyone is going to do the manipulating it will be him.

They both argue in my presence, more of a disagreement on some subject or another. Petty stuff the majority of the time.

Since I have been reading these websites, I have gone back to my emails and letters and online correspondance and I have seen N traits in both of these friends. Did my xP naturally select these friends because they had the inner "False Self" and no empathy, or did he choose them because they were a NSS?

It is scary to me, do I attract these sort of people?

I know from my stories it sounds a little too unbelievable that I have two friends who are also possible NPs but I didnt realise myself (since ive broken up with my xP) how ive attached myself to his friends because I probably unsubconciously saw in them what I did in my xP...... an image, a fake self that attracted me to them.

Steve remided me so so much of my xP , I was so attracted to him , and a few months ago I said to myself "Ahh its because he likes the same things as the xP, he comes from the same town, he talks like him, he acts like him" "same interests" etc

Little did I realise I only liked him because he is the exact carbon copy of my xP but just looks different, but his actions, and abuse and thoughts are all one in the same........narcissistic.

I know im going to have to cut them out of my life, as I know Dave still talks to the xP and I have no idea what they talk about behind my back.

It just seems to me that everywhere I look lately in my eyeline is a darn NP. Im sick of being stuck on a rollercoaster of uncertainty and being pushed back and forth from person to person.

I just have to sever all ties to these people. But when I do decide to take some time out I get phoned, harrassed and emailed to the point of where I want to pull my hair out cause I have no peace from it.

Guess who works for my ISP ? Dave does , he knows everywhere I go because he can look into my account at anytime he likes, so im really careful when writing about anything to do with my xP as I know Dave relays information to him about me, hence why I have to change my name, his name and our whereabouts and details on my family.

Changing my ISP will be costly so im waiting until i have enough money saved , until then ill have to deal.

Sucks being drawn into a disgusting world of an NP, its like they have extensions of NP friends that suck you dry too.

It figures as to why they never ask me how im feeling but jump into how their lives are so bad because they have dented their van or their parents gave them only $100 for christmas

Its either that or I NEED some perspective and to sort out my head, but at the moment i feel like im losing it and I worry about which friend is a true one and which one isnt.

I think im going to stay on this forum and just get this all out, I dont feel like socialising with my other friends right now , all this information i have received in the past few days has knocked me off my course of healing and put me in an angry , dismal place.

Just hope it doesnt last too long, maybe knowing all this information is good as it will help me heal in the true sense instead of laying all the guilt and blame on myself

the only people i feel i can trust right now is you ladies on this forum as you have all gone through the same thing and your not judgemental, you are very supportive.

But I also feel like a massive weight is being lifted from my shoulders, it feels good to be able to get all of this out of my system, what I worry about is my xP and other (maybe) NP friends finding me here and then making my life hell because of it

I feel sometimes as if im turning into a nervous wreck with no confidence. Im more angry than anything lately.

Sorry again for the long rant. I think Ive got a lot out the past few days and it has been helpful. Thankyou for listening and reading and for spending time helping me ladies I do appreciate it.

God Bless

Stacie. x

Stacieb · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 59

Matilda, the only stories that I have is the one in "Our personal Stories" and this one and "On Purpose" which you have replied to already hon.

I agree, I need some Boundaries and Im going to start by continuing to ignore the friends who are my xPs friends as I wont get any privacy by being in constant contact.

I have a couple of friends outside of that circle so I will concerntrate on those.

I dont talk to the xP and I ignore all correspondance and will continue to do so. Im going to stick to this NC rule on all counts.

I really dont want to be co-dependant and id hate to be that sort of person, so I wont be talking to that bad circle of friends anymore.

I feel great being independant and now the lightbulbs have come on im going to steer clear of these weirdos who want to destory everything they come across.

ugh it makes me feel unclean when I think about it all. Its horrid to be sucked into such a mess of Ps and their friends.

Time for me to bow out and not look back Smile

Thank God for websites like these!

Love Stacie x

cangel · Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 317

Stacieb,

I had a large shoebox full of "over the top" love letters and cards - all of which were as off as the one you have shared with us. (Word Salad +)

Burned them all one afternoon, it was difficult to throw the first one in the flames but after that I couldn't get rid of the rest of them fast enough. Terrific release to have them out of my home. When you feel ready I guarantee you will feel the same relief when you rid yourself of emails, letters, notes, mail, etc etc.....

Work on the Boundries - you will get to a much heathly place for yourself.

cangel

Stacieb · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 59

Im really trying to get up the guts to just throw them away or burn them, I still have his pictures etc in my house so I will start by cleaning those out soon. Then ill go on and burn his letters.

I dont want to be attached to him, or have anything around that reminds me of him, I dont understand why , if i detest him so much how I can hang on to these pieces of worthless paper.

Its hard to get your head around this sometimes. Rolling Eyes

WindSong · Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:09 pm Post subject:

Jeez Stacie, when I read his letter, I had the strangest urge to go bang my head on the floor. I think I would benefit more by that than reading that crap.
verbal garbage is what it is. It's almost like he's saying if you shut up and don't say anything he can love you. I still want to bang my head.

Get him out of your life for forever. You don't want some one like that in your life!
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Stacieb · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 59

You know, I would rather bang my head too than listen to anymore of his narcissitic crap.

Here is the last part of his letter,

At first I thought it was the only part of the letter that wasnt Narcissitic

Silly to assume really , makes an @ss out of U and ME

I have this letter in email format too, as I have hundreds from my xP ive deleted a few today so i feel good about that...im gonna keep on deleting one everyday until they are all gone

But heres the rest of this letter

You are insecure about us Stacie, there is no need to be, wake in the morning and go to sleep at night and what happens in the daytime happens, but there is something inside both of us that will always want to get closer so leave it alone, dont worry or feel the need to govern the relationship. Say what you feel instinctively and we will naturally get along well.

i love the spirit and soul that is in you I feel it when im with you and around you, when I cuddle up to you or lie down with you.

It is hard for me to comprehend what im saying but when im lying against you its like there is something inside me thats happy and that something is what i am talking about.

I dont know if you understand what im saying, and if you cant then it furthur supports what im saying.

Let us look forward we are in love much deeper than i can ever comprehend, whatever is inside me will guide me and clear the way.

in time you will start to see the white before the black....the positive instead of the negative.

The medium of talking is poor.

Your skin like silk, your body is beautiful, your eyes so perfectly dark and deep, your hair so vibrant and attractive, your lips so lush and striking.

Your make up you wear masks your natural beauty and can instill lust and physical desire but still does not answer the question of what and why do i love you.

So Let love thrive and enjoy the warmth it gives you.

Allay your worries and fears as there is no need for any.

All my love ...is just for you

Hope it helps a lot to know im always going to be here for you......

Ineffable = unspeakable

Ecstasy = Overwhelming emotion

Intangible= Can be sensed but not physical

"Im not saying your stupid Stacie"

Haha what a load of cat crap wrapped up in nice paper.

The stuff I used to get sucked into.

I think the last part of this letter is more disparging to myself than to himself, hes lessened who i am in an instant , but thats what he wanted to do isnt it.

Stacie x

OxDrover · Joined: 13 May 2007 Posts: 1461 Location: Arkansas USA

I loved that "line by line translation" of the "word salad"---IT WAS RIGHT ON if I ever saw anything that was! LOL gave me a great laugh.

In reading the manipulative letters of my P-son to me, to K and to my moth er and his brother C--he sounds like a recording of Dr. Phil in some, so "caring and wise" so "humble" or so sweet and religious, a true lover of God--Bolderdash! You can "hear" the plastic insincerity in them if you will listen, and when you compare the ones to us to the ones he was more honest in with K as they plotted--makes you want to puke.

He actually BRAGGED in one letter to K that his "charge" (murder) was MUCH WORSE THAN THE COPS KNEW--the very same words he told me when he was frustrated and angry at me and momentarily dropped the mask...scared the F out of me--with the look in his eyes--like Charlie Manson. Actually sitting eye to eye with SATAN. Since that day I have had no sympathy, empathy or feeling except disgust and fear.

I still have his letters, but not for sentimental purposes, but for EVIDENCE to prosecute him with...and though I still have to go over all this with the investigator, I am hoping that there will be enough evidence in the letters between him and K and some to me where he wanted me to help him get a cell phone smuggled back inito prison and kept trying to persuade me to, that we may be able to get the FBI (the investigator says) to investigate the conspiracy charges and maybe get him another long felony charge and that would quelch any chance he ever has at parole.

Ditto for K...and it is possible that in order to "save himself from life in prison" that K will "roll over" on my P-son...the DIL has "rolled" partly over so that is helping clarify some of the "plan and plot" but I think they were using her as well as everyone else.

P-son wrote to K that he could see them (just the two of them) at age 75 sitting there on the farm on the porch drinking Iced tea and talking about all the fantastic things they had done. He never mentioned his brother C (who was also a pawn) or the DIL either one. K also had a passport application among his papers which I thought was interesting. Of course with a life sentence, P-son would never have been off parole.

Destroying the letters and the pictures will give you some satisfaction, I think. I took all of the photos of my son made after he was 12 and put them aside. My son D said that when son C was walking around inside my home there were photos of him (c) and momentoes like an easter egg he painted for me when he was 10, and photos etc. but he noticed there was NOT one of Son-P visible. Son D said that son C noticed that as well and realized that even though he had "been involved" in the "conspiracy" I knew he was a victim as well--that he believed their lies. It did hurt that he believed the lies, but at the same time, how could I "throw stones" at anyone who had been suckered in by one of these people? I have been suckered in by son P in the past--I just happened to get out before the others did. So I am guilty of the same stupidity.

I decorated my RV trailer with the favorite framed photographs I had in my house and almost all the wall space that isn't taken up by furniture is covered with those photographs. They keep me close to the ones Ilove and remind me that I'm not alone. Even though my step father, my daddy, is gone and my husband is gone, their spirits and their love is still with me.
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WindSong · Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:50 pm Post subject:

I can see this dude sitting there typing away or writing away his thoughts like they are gold, and inspired and from another plane inside himself. And I think...... Bull freaking shit. HELLO! Rolling Eyes

They think they are so profound- that's the word I was looking for! Profound. He thinks that he is profound.... LMAO and it's crap, pure crap!!!

I suggest you trash them all. I did mine because every time I read a letter, email, or instant message from him I had nightmares.

I burned my journals from when I was with him. He talked nonstop and thought that he was so profound. He would have a thought that he thought was so great that he would walk away saying things over and over. I wrote three 200 pages composition books from the time we were together and that was five months total! The most cathartic for me was ridding myself of the stuff to do with "him". Uck!

Good Luck Smile

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