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femfree
Site Admin
Joined: 11 Feb 2007
Posts: 654
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 Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 9:56 pm Post subject: Let's Hear from the Guys |
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Let's Hear from the Guys
| Quote: | "Women can be as angry, vindictive, controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive, and physically violent as men, and pretending that they are not is to engage in magical thinking."
John Hamel, LMFT
"When you are involved with an NPD person, you may continue to tell yourself that things will eventually even out – that you will get your turn, and when the time does come, he or she will be there for you, too. Yet, as you tell yourself these things, you continue to ignore all the clues. Then, an event in your life focuses the spotlight on you, and you are shocked and disappointed by her behavior."
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor D. Payson, MSW
"The malignant narcissist is more than immoral, she is evil."
Dr. Maria Hsia Chang, Professor |
| Quote: | "When close to being outwitted and exposed, the bully feigns victimhood and turns the focus on themselves - this is another example of manipulating people through their emotion of guilt, eg sympathy, feeling sorry, etc. Female serial bullies are especially partial to making themselves the centre of attention by claiming to be the injured party whilst portraying their target as the villain of the piece. When the target tries to explain the game, they are immediately labelled "paranoid". Attention-seeking behaviour is common with emotionally immature people."
Bullying in the Family
Tim Field |
"Everyday I stayed, every time I didn't set a boundary, everytime I made an excuse for her, everytime I ignored a red flag, she became better at her game."
"It took nothing short of a criminal mind to come up with the things she did. Her timing was always when things seemed great, often 3 days or so following my own expression of how glad I was that we were getting along so well. JUST when things seemed normal."
"The true female N is an emotional predator like no other. If one got you good the recovery is long and painful."
"Trying to get her to understand, empathize, or genuinely apologize for the pain she caused was an utterly fruitless endeavor - she could not relate to anything outside of consequences that directly affected her."
"Her reactions when I was writhing in pain were reminiscent of a Hollywood vampire's excited anticipation as she convinces her prey to open the bedroom window."
"The vast chasm separating that woman who declared such undying love &
devotion to me and the reality of what constituted her true agenda & behavior is perhaps the most difficult aspect to grasp."
"Confronting her on what she's done is pointless - it will only be seen as an attack on her no matter what the circumstances - and she will masterfully pull deception, denial, projection, gaslighting, deflection, repression, minimization & covert abuse from her arsenal of defense."
"I knew I had had enough when I came to the realization that I'd be hard pressed to expect such malevolence from a sworn enemy filled with hatred for me, much less someone claiming to be in love with me... after all, what might I expect if she were to ever become angry or dissatisfied with me at some point in the long journey that is life?"
"Promises are meaningless. Boundaries are non existent. Morality is entirely negotiable. Truth is subjective. And you won't know any of these things about her until it's too late."
"She may seemingly show strong emotion, especially when potential abandonment is on the horizon... but do not be fooled; if you truly examine the situation, you'll find everything she's 'feeling' either goes right back to her own selfish agenda or is simply a ruse to use your own sense of compassion against you."
"She's had many many failed relationships in the past, including a marriage gone sour. Of course, she convincingly claimed to be the victim in every one of these whose only fault was 'picking the wrong guy'. As best I can determine, she's never remained totally faithful to anyone - in fact, that's how we started out many years ago... my playing the part of the white knight saving this wonderul woman from such an abusive scoundrel - the latter role I've assuredly filled myself since our demise. "
"She'll generally keep 2 or 3 fawning admirers around called 'guy friends' that double as side and/or backup supply - and if you raise any objection, you can bet you'll be labeled as insecure, controlling and abusive to anyone within earshot. On the rare occassion she's momentarily caught out alone & single, she's literally in a panicked state - and won't hesitate to try & recycle old flames regardless of how tragic or painful the breakup. She'll turn on the charm full force in order to intoxicate you into her trance, but she can't keep that up for too long. Eventually, you will come to the painful realization that you were nothing more than an instrument of
self gratification for her, as easily discardable as a piece of gum that's lost its flavor."
"I forgave her lies for years and always tried to rationalize an answer for her. How could anyone who professed such undying love for me be covertly trying to destroy me financially, emotionally, reputationally, and any other way she could devise. My head told me many, many times to leave but my heart would always make me stay(so she could stomp on it some more) It wasn’t until I made up my mind to GET AWAY and started seeing things from “outside the bubble” that I realized that I had literally wasted ten years of my life. These people NEVER change. Make plans for your escape and never look back."
"Gentlemen, we are not the crazy ones! We are normal caring human beings and these very qualities have been turned against us. Living with a female N, especially a very intelligent and experienced one, is something for which our lived experience does not prepare us. I would describe it as living with a personality on a slow change fuse. All is fine until the N steps up the game and starts with the “big demands” that we as sane people attempt to “discuss”. The N considers that “love” = “getting what you want” and “listening” = “agreement”. There is no compromise. The only difference is timing.
How long is the N our “ideal mate” and when does the journey into devaluation occur? I would describe us as “expunged” males. We have served our purposes, we have provided what we can provide and the N devalues and finds another to value. This process occurs without our knowledge, of course. Honesty or integrity do not enter into it, it is all about what serves the N best. The entire journey through the “relationship” breakdown is a slow realization that the N has no feelings, no conscience and only a sense of entitlement. The N’s outlook on the world is supported perfectly by the legal system and do not fool yourselves, they know it. The sooner you realize that you are dealing with an N the better off you will be. Learn to play their game. Pretend to care, pretend to be responsive to their interests, talk the “reconciliation” game but do so only to gain information. Keep very detailed notes of every encounter so you can unravel the nuances of language that lead you to the lies and the documented proof of the lies. This of course means nothing in a legal setting but it means everything in preserving your sanity and in preserving the relationships with your children and family.
Hang in there guys, and understand that you are in a fight for your life with a very able predator. The best defense you have is emotional distance and gaining the support of someone the N believes is “hers”. If you have the support of someone the N thinks she “owns” then you will know the “truth”, however, the only truth you will know is that lies abound. Do not believe anything that has its source with the N, even if coming from a trusted source. Only first hand knowledge has any value. Above all, do not attempt to know the “truth”. Accept that the N knows nothing of truth and that you must disengage and move on. Keep the kids, write the cheque and move on. Create a set of rules for any contact with the N and stick to it. Tell people you trust to beat you mercilessly if you “break the rules”. Never forget, you are not dealing with a normal person, the normal rules of polite company do not apply. Accept it."
"Knowing what I know now I would have done things different, but how the hell can anyone know what they are involved in if they don't know about NPD. Like many of you I got so emotionally hurt and messed up that I started searching for answers for what happened to me, and here I am.
I am 99.2% sure she suffers from full blown NPD. I struggle at times about that other 0.8%"
"Seeing my wife and what she had become, it was like looking at the face of satan and being able to recognize the mask as such. If any one out there is ever confronted by a person like this, run, do not walk, run just as fast as you can.”
"I credit my therapist for the insight into my past with her. After 45 minutes of my first session he stopped me and told me to look up "Narcissistic Personality Disorders" on the Internet. He said that it should read like her life!! He was dead center with his observations!!! Now I know that I was not crazy."
"She showed all of the emotion of someone reading from a phone book when she was ripping my heart from my chest."
"I lost most of my net worth in two years with a female predator. So I'll warn you, the best thing to do is cut her off fast before she gets her fingers on your money and screws up your social life, family life, and mental health."
She laughed at the expense of others. Sarcasm was her only wit. I don't miss it one bit. Since she's gone the laughter has returned with a vengeance.
"My ex girlfriend said I was perfect. She made me feel so special and I tried so hard to make her feel loved. After the first year, nothing was ever good enough. On every holiday, she found a way to cheapen the experience and say it was my fault. It was like looking into the abyss. She did the most horrible things to me to make me feel like garbage. When she left me, she just acted like everything I did was nothing to her. It was my fault because she wants a man who will give her 80% of their time to nurture her needs while giving 20% in return because she said she deserves it, and intends to have it. Her lies were unnecessary and she never seemed to be able to have an indepth conversation about much of anything. I miss the person she claimed to be. The facade was so great. I dont know how what happened to her, but I wish I could find her again. I know its over, but god it hurts to know you spent two years together and it meant nothing."
"I realized that talking to my ex fiancee was futile. Anything she would say would either be a lie or so erratic that it would change in the blink of an eye. She could not be trusted. So, talking to her, or trying to relate to her, was an exercise in frustration and confusion. I have been able to resist talking to her, responding to her emails, or contacting her because I am absolutely certain that there is nothing she can say that I can believe. Anything she would say would just hurt me. Even if she said everything I want her to, I wouldn't be able to trust it or believe it. Even if she were telling the truth (which I firmly believe is impossible for her when talking about her feelings in a relationship -- she is so damaged and disturbed that I don't think she even knows what is true), I wouldn't be able to trust her because the truth for her is so ephemeral, so capricious, so changable, that in a moment her truth becomes something else."
"She told me towards the end that she had someone else, then hung up. Then I phoned her back, and she denied she had said it. Just crazymaking behaviour."
"She had the most prodigious sexual appetite of any woman I have ever known."
"She cheated and lied and devalued me like a true psychopath - no concern for me at all. Now, after five plus months, she writes to me as if nothing happened!"
"First red flag: I met NP for coffee after matching up on an internet dating site. She was drop-dead gorgeous, dressed to nines, and appeared normal to a naive small-town guy like me. But looking back I can see that during that first hour together she talked of her past failed marriages and how she had been taken by her husbands. Of course, the opposite is true, she milked them for all she could."
"I'm constantly torn between bitterness-blame-anger and the desire to wrap my arms around around her because I feel so sorry for her. I'd like her to understand what loving and caring truly feels like. Yet, that's the part that can't happen because of the illness. It's all such a brutal shame."
"When I met my partner I said to myself that I would stick with her no matter what."
"The NP females are very coy and use past abandonment issues and need for a knight in shining armour to sweep them off their feet and rescue them from their "downtrodden" world. We, as caring men, tend to rise up to the challenge and promise them the world and more. I can't tell you how many people I told that marriage vows meant forever, that I would be the one. Well, I was wrong. These "damsels in distress" are as phoney as a three dollar bill. Once we are taken for granted they rail against us and the whole devaluation process begins."
"Before a I learned about narcissisim my self esteem was very low. I felt that anything that was wrong in my marriage was my fault. I realize now that while I am not perfect, that she was fostering that feeling within me. I let her use my own doubts against me. I enabled her to treat me badly and belittle me."
"I have to think back to the ludicrous impossible situations I found myself in when she was at her manipulative height. I have to think back to the utter frustration I experienced when she just toyed with me; all the bizarre behaviour that left me wondering what was real and what wasn't."
"She lied because she knew I would throw her out of the house if I found out. She likes to have two or more men going at the same time, knows that other people find this wrong, so she covers it up. The lying also adds drama, which makes the affair more titillating and exciting, and the other man more desirable. She often referred to "illicit" sex as the most exciting. She is about drama, and lying helps create and maintain drama. It is an aphrodesiac for her. The lies are automatic; she is so good at it. It has become habitual, part of her normal behavior. I think she is so psychopathic that she would lie even when she doesn't need to."
"When you've done your best and had been the best person you can be, time and time again, and still it's not good enough, that's when enough is enough. When you are rejected, demeaned, devalued when you've done your personal best, that's when enough is enough. When you put the N's need before your own to such a degree that you hardly exist anymore as an individual, woah, that's way more than enough."
"I have never experienced anything so damned horrible in my life. I can think of some major heartbreaks but I CANNOT think of anything so brutally confusing and demeaning as this. The sanctity, honesty, and openness we attribute to close friends was there for a short while... and then the rodeo of hellfire began. I've never been so screwed up from any relationship of any kind!"
"I married a psychopath and believe me it is not gender-specific. She kicked me repeatedly in the head with her boots on and otherwise displayed all the symptoms of psychopathy. I never touched her yet she assulted me repeatedly. Yes it really happens. In 9 years of marriage she kissed me briefly 4 times and rarely had sex with me but did with others. I am ashamed to play the victim- I don't like it. This woman was cunning ruthless unfaithful, thieving and a pathological liar. I have a wonderful wife now who actually smiles, kisses me and acts like a human being. She snapped me out of the shocking dependancy and gullibility and took me far away. Believe me psychopathic females are very capable of commiting atrocities akin to brutal wife beating and spouse abuse. More men than women statistically are psychopathic ( 3% against 1% of women). Lets not make it a gender issue. Females are quite capable of having this severe mental illness."
"When I discussed my female P with other guys, almost all of them had a P story."
"Nobody believed me... She got away with legally abusing my daughter physically and emotionally... I got sole custody but only after I had been completely investigated and scapegoated/stereotyped. One of the case workers wept openly at realizing her failure. They realized my daughter and I were telling the truth much too late."
"I alternate between feeling angry and sad. There are days where I don't even want to get out of bed. Twice I have told her I'm cutting off contact with her and I do not wish to communicate with her any longer. Each time, it lasted maybe two weeks before she'd email me or text message me again. And each time, I gave in. She talks about wanting to be friends. But I don't see how that is possible. I feel emotionally and physically drained.... so why do I miss her? Why do I think about her still? I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster, and I can't get off."
"Her defense mechanisms kicked in and she told lies to her shallow friends and family ...she said "I was crazy" She has convinced herself that she is scared of me. She had called her Dad and convinced him that I was stalking and harassing her!"
"I am a logical person and I would agonize over what made her behave the way she does somethimes. Now I realize that there does not have to be a reason other that to justify anything she might want do. I used to believe that her behavior was my fault. Well it's not. And while I may suffer because of it on occasion, she is the one that ultimately have to live with the consequences or her words and actions. However, the most important thing I know now about narcissism is ....
I am not alone."
THANK YOU FOR VISITING !!
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