Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I have come to a point in my "recovery" when I am struggling with trusting myself. I feel I am being extremelly over cautious in relationships (friendships, coworkers, etc.). I also find myself over analyzing things, which drives me crazy. I have always had obsessive thinking problems, which I am working on in therapy, but this is starting to drive me crazy.

I have made so much progress with boundaries and learning about how I got myself into this mess with exN (and dealing with the fallout, which I can say I am doing awesome with), but now I have to learn how to trust myself again. I am worried I'll keep attracting crazy people and so I feel myself pulling away without giving people a chance for me to get to know them (does this make sense)? I guess I'm afraid of being hurt again, and I feel ashamed that I allowed exN into my life.

I have recognized some codependency in myself (though I don't think it's very extreme) and recognize that the fear I have is I believe a way I am protecting myself from being emeshed into some one else's life. But how am I to live my own life if I am afraid of any type of emotional (or physical) intimacy?

Has anyone struggled with this or have tips, books, etc. that they recommend for working through this? I want to be cautious and have healthy boundaries, but I also don't want my fear to prevent me from living a full life.

Hi Mommyto1

I suppose it has to do with learning to compartmentalize your relationships. I have work friendships, shared hobby friendships and intellectual friendships and limited close friendships. I have chosen to only share my exNH personal experiences stories with only my two close friends other than family who already know. All the other friendships are shallow and limited to their particular setting. I can talk about my holiday plans, everyday grind stuff about the kids or what needs doing in my home to my work friends and get very good tips from them and we do have a laugh about work things. My shared hobby friends and I hardly talk about personal stuff, it is always about what we are working on and how it is going and what we can do to improve it. I have joined a couple of academic bodies that deal with my professional and personal areas of interest and use these to engage with others in analytical thinking about issues of interest. I have attended a couple of their talks on particular issues and really enjoyed linking up with people who were engaged and fired up with the same things that I was and all personal talk was limited to the issues, careers and sharing helpful tips on great research available plus arranging which future talks to bother attending.

I am not in any hurry to try and make more personal friends. I am in the process of recovering from being in a state of high alertness from being with the N. Being with an N takes us right back to the level of wild animals. We are always on the look out, always ready to avoid or react or appease or compromise etc. I was never really at ease when I was with the N, not when he was in the house. So I am now having to take my heightened state of alertness and re-direct it at things that I enjoy. Learning to slow down by taking up painting and drawing, which I stopped doing when married to the N. Doing loads of writing and reading and hanging out with the children.

I have become my own best friend and I am enjoying my own company. I don't know what tomorrow holds but right now, I am working on knowing me again and not rushing into anything that doesn't feel right.

Honestly, this is a struggle that continues for me.

I've always questioned what's "appropriate." I grew up in a very dysfunctional home - very poor models for relationships and frankly, living. So I constantly find myself questioning things. That only got worse after the N.

I do think I'm learning. And I'm more confident in a couple of things:

1. Me.
2. The realization that frankly, there are very few life and death decisions out there. And if I make the wrong decision, it's okay.

I think that we will constantly test ourselves after being through what we've been through. But it gets better. WE get better.

There are a ton of books on boundaries out there. I like Boundaries and Relationships.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Boundaries-and-Relationships/Charles-Whitfield/e/9781558742598/?itm=10&USRI=boundaries+in+relationship

:)

This is a struggle for me as well. Just this week in therapy, we came to the realization that I stay heavier so I can protect myself and not get in another relationship. I too tend to make bad choices and even though I'm getting healthier, I'm still afraid to trust other people and myself. I tend to ignore the red flags. Ugh. It's funny though, I can give advice to other people, but not follow my own advice! Frustrating. I guess it's the old habit of not thinking I'm good enough to deserve the best? But I'm working on that. I'm also afraid of getting hurt. So, for now, I'd rather be alone than take that chance and continue on getting better and getting healthier. That really is ok because I've never been as healthy as I am right now. When it's the right time for the right relationship it will happen. (or is that just another excuse? lol) I've only been in therapy for 6 or so months. That's not too long of a time, but longer than I ever have been before in my life. So that's a start. Baby steps. Don't be too hard on yourself Mommy. Keep taking those baby steps too. You won't always be frozen. One of the best things I've learned in therapy is to be kind to yourself, don't put pressure on yourself, don't lay out a timelline and don't beat yourself up. When you are ready, you will know. And that is ok.

Im struggling also. Has been a long time since i split wiv exN/P and I have just started dating again. Everythings fine in the early days, then i start to become paranoid that im being humiliated, used and lied to, so I push them away. I am really worried that I seem to be attracting problem guys... or maybe Its just me over reacting. Im not sure, whichever way I guess having these feelings means that im not ready for a relationship yet.

I really like this short piece. Just a reminder of how far we've come(even when we think we havent) and how hard it really is(even when we beat ourselves up that we should be doing better)

http://www.powercommunicating.com/artic ... loiter.pdf


When you think about it, having a relationship with someone disordered, or being born to disordered parents means that survivors are constantly adjusting themselves to the needs and wants of the disordered people, walking on eggshells, and most importantly: Not being allowed to have any boundaries with the N.

It takes a good while, and a bit of practise to realise that we can actually determine our own lives from now on, and that we have the confidence to make good choices. We take the reins of our own future.

Its a great time to learn about boundaries. What do we want? What treatment do we expect from others? What did we tolerate before that we wont now?

And: "Who are we?" I know it sounds silly, but who we are now without these people in our lives is important because when we live with Ns and Ps, we are groomed by them to be what they want us to be.
Now, we can actually be us....time to find out who us is, or return to the person we were pre-N?

Its going to be OK Mommy - you are on your way to healing. Its normal to be concerned about repeating the N experience again. Learn about boundaries, start small and make small boundary decisions for yourself and it will all fall into place bit by bit Im betting.

Five months out, and I have absolutely no wish to date, find more new friends, or be more social, apart from reinstating social life from prior to the last worst couple of years. I'm happy in my own company and I don't care if I never date again. The thought of dating anyone makes me feel sick. Is this so very wrong ?