Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

40 days ago I had my lawyer set a date for the final divorce and custody proceedings. It's been over a year since the temporary orders were put in place and my exN has not tried at all to wrap things up. The only thing he has done in continue to harrass me and psychologically torture my kids.

By law we have to give him 45 days notice, so back in september after it became clear that he was not going to voluntarily work with us on picking a date I told my lawyer to go ahead and just set the date and notify him. She did, and now we're 5 days away from the trial and he has his lawyer file a motion for continuance. I knew he would do this, but it still pisses me off. I think he has an oppositional defiant streak in him. He would literally cut off his nose to spite his face, as the saying goes. He has shot himself in the foot so many times I'm amazed he has any feet left to stand on.

So, now I have to wait another week just to find out when the trial has been moved to. It could be 30 days or 45, I don't know.

This isn't getting to me as much as it would have a year ago. I feel like there's not much he can do to me now. He can't change the temp. orders unless we go back to court, and he doesn't want to go to court because he knows he'll LOSE! I just hope when we finally get in there the judge sees what a complete and total IDIOT he is and gives him NOTHING! The only reason I will want any kind of continued contact is because my kids love their dad to pieces. He treats them OK. Not great, and he does a lot of brainwashing, but they still want to spend time with him. They'll figure it out when they're older, unfortunately.

So, yeah I just needed to let a little frustration out here because if I let it get me really upset then he's won another mini-battle. This is all going to come out very badly for him because it's a pattern with him to not show up to court or delay proceedings. It's because he can't deal with not being in control. He HATES authority and it's going to be his downfall. He just can't help himself.

Thnaks for listening.

Rabecca

As you have said yourself, the man has nowhere left to go with his power games, so him putting it off, isn't doing him any good. He is doing the usual N thing, work out what the other person wants and then makes it his business to make sure you are prevented from getting that outcome. He has the whole scene written out in his delusional thought processes. To an N, it all a game, "if I do this, then she will have to do that, then such and such will happen, which will mean, then she won't know what to do, then I will be the one to, then she will realise that I am best thing that ever happened to her and then I will be proven right that she didn't know what she was doing when she left me'. Dear oh dear, these creatures live in their own time continuum and it takes having to deal with authority outside their make believe world that they are confronted with rules and boundaries that they never thought applied to them.

Vent all you like. You have the right but as you have said yourself, the game is up for the N and there is no turning back. This is one ride where the legal process will eventually force him to let it go and move on.

P.S Is there a time limit for putting off the court date? How long does it have to be before the Judge could rubberstamp the end of the marriage without needing the N to agree or appear?

Hang in there. You are still a free woman and that is within your power to enjoy.

I just e-mailed my lawyer asking her those same questions. At first I was a little pissed, but now I'm actually kind of glad he did this. He's just making himself look more and more like an idiot. If I show up for a final trial and he doesn't the judge will just tell my lawyer to write up an order and they will sign it. It happened before when I was asking to have his summer visitation changed so I could take the kids to a family reunion.

Now I'm laughing on the inside......ha ha ha! He is such a loser.
-Rebecca

She finally e-mailed me back and said "each side is entitled to a continuance. We can oppose it, but that doesn't mean the judge will agree with our opposal" She said my exN's reason for delaying the final proceedings is he wants to wait until my assault case has been determined. My lawyer thinks I ought to wait, too because my ex may have an edge if we go into court with the charges hanging over me. I told her he is just manipulating the system to delay everything. If it will look better for me to wait until after the charges are dropped, then why does he want to wait too? I don't trust his motivation. He's using intimidation and scare tactics and I refuse to back down. I am not scared to go into court with these charges over me, because I think it could be used against him. He's the one who called them in.

I am kind of pissed at my lawyer - she should know better. I've been telling her to get this thing overwith for 9 months now and she's sitting on her big fat behind. She couldn't care less, this is MY life and my childrens' lives we're talking about. The only way I can get her to do anything is if I say to set a court date. I am so sick of her - I wish I could fire her and just do this myself, but I can't. And it's too late to hire another lawyer.

Maybe I can intimidate my exN into giving up. Anyone had a good experience with that? We are NC, so I can't communicate to him directly. What if I called our church leaders and told them all about what he's doing? Would that scare him or would he retaliate? I don't want to stoop to his level, but I do want him to understand that he is fighting a losing battle and he needs to just leave me alone.

Rabbeca

I am so sorry to hear about your Lawyer not being on top of the situation. I can only share what I have experienced but I ended up firing two lawyers and only on the third one did I get one that did what I wanted and not just treat my case as any other divorce. Even then, I was so clued up about how the system worked with Lawyers and their willingness to follow the usual divorce procedures when I wanted my case handled in a way that was uncomplicated. If I had gone along with my first and second lawyers we would have ended up trapped with the N by the time the divorce would have been concluded through the normal process since within six months of us leaving the N, the recession hit and the house was losing value like a hole in a bucket.

It might be a good idea to go and get some alternative legal advice if that is possible, just to decide what to do.

Thinking of you

Survivor

You know, I think I will show up on Monday anyway just to make my point. We most likely won't have a trial, but I have asked my lawyer to contend the continuance and I'm going to show up to make an impression on the judge and on my lawyer that I am serious. My exN's request will probably be granted anyway, but I think it will shake up my lawyer and probably exN's lawyer that i am there.

Counseling went well last night for my oldest. He didn't want to be there, but he came out seeming happy and we set another session for the same time next week. I think once I left the room he must have connected with the counselor, so I'm happy about that.

Rabbeca

So happy for you and your son about it working out with the counselor. Good for you about showing up at Court. Sometimes you have to demonstrate your determination to move things along. I hope it nudges your lawyer towards bringing matters to a conclusion. Eighteen months is a long time to keep waiting for a divorce.

I never missed a hearing and it took 90 days to finally finalize the divorce. Neither ex nor his atty showed up and neither of them could be reached despite being ordered to prepare the final judgment. So I paid for that too and was there each and every time...including the Show Cause that the judge himself ordered that my ex didn't show up to because he was leaving on vacation! LOL! Did NOT make the judge happy...especially when he heard ex was driving and didn't have non-refundable plane tickets.

But it took 18 months to get to putting proofs on record and then another 90 days to get the final judgment heard and entered.

Wenzip, thanks for that input. I wish my exN were a little more stupid. I wondered if the talk about filing a motion for continuance is a bluff to get me to not show up so exN can be there with his lawyer and get whatever he wants. I just don't trust him at all. It's that bad.

I e-mailed my lawyer and let her know I'll be there Monday morning anyhow. Just to make sure. Thanks for confirming that my hunch is right.

OK, was in court this morning. The judge granted my ex's request to delay thr divorce trial until after my criminal case has been investigated. We are reset for Decembr 3rd, another 6 weeks. I'm pretty disgusted that he can just keep making life difficult and no one stops him. I told my lawyer I want to get aggressive. I am going to list his girlfriend as a witness, just to piss him off. If we get her on the stand I will have my lawyer question her about her staying overnight with him and kissing in front of the kids. That will embarrass and enrage him.

I've been having a lot of revenge fantasies lately, including planting drugs on him to get him arrested and paying someone to beat him up. Of course, I can't do those things, but it's fun to think about.

Sorry things are delayed and you have to wait again. N is pushing your buttons through the court for sure.

Just some things to think about - listing GF as a witness will certainly piss him off, but it will also send the judge a signal that pissing him off is something that you want to do. May be that a better tactic is to play it like he is the aggressor - that he is the only one with animosity here. He filed the criminal charges against you with no cause, right? If you do something in the divorce proceedings that looks like retaliation, it will give the judge a reason to think that maybe there was something behind the bogus charges after all (no matter how they play out in the criminal case).

Also, if he gets pissed off, he may just retaliate with more delay. The longer he can delay, the more NS he can keep getting from you. The best thing you can do is stop the NS, because whether it's good or bad attention, he enjoys it. What really hurts an N is INDIFFERENCE. Of course you care about your kids and the harm he's doing them with GF sleeping over. But that's a different thing from getting the divorce over and done with quickly, if that's your goal.

Yes, I know you're right. I just feel so frustrated right now that it feel theraputic to think of ways I can make life hell for him. I'm tired of being the one deflecting the assaults and walking around with a white hat on. But there's another 6 weeks ahead. A lot can change in 6 weeks.

I want to get involved in the legal system after all this to somehow make it impossible for these jerks to do all this crap. Brand their record with a big red N or something so everyone knows to not take them seriously. They are full of s**t

Reberca,
Rebeca.

I was thinking about you this week and hoping that everything went well in court. And was tring to send you this message and found your post!!! I cant believe it ... I gues I can.. knowing how these people are.. I hate when they invole this with our kids

Good that you are venting it . And just give your self 5min then thats it . I am practicing.

You will win!! it will be great everything on your side Please be very positive and atract all that good energy.

You are very strong and a good person, I dont know you but just the fact that you had wright me and are very caring to me shows what a wonderfull preson you are.

Hang in there its all for the best God does things for a reason and they are better : )

If there is anything I can do let me know.

I am here and on your side.

Sincerly
Claudia

Hey, Claudia. Thanks for the reminder about positive energy. You're right, I don't want to attract all that negativity by dwelling on the anger and frustration. I feel better today. I went home yesterday and played with my kids in the backyard. No matter how hard he tries, he can't take that away from me. He will try, but I just have to be patient and wise.

R,

YES!!!!
You will win! And enjoy them and have them have a great life : )
You are so strong . They are very lucky to have you : )

I am happy to hear you are having fun with them.

Keep me posted I am sendig you positive thoughts every day.

WE aRE stronger and smarter than these sick people... It is obviouse we have to win. It is so emotional thats why they win, and if together we all help the emotional part to go on a side we can focuse in doing what these creatures do but in a good and better way. REsearch, home work, knowing each law, etc..... And uncover their lies, and emotional hurt for our childen and us. AND we have to help all the future mothers and kids to not go through this... WE can have a better world!!!!

I know WE WILL DO IT. I am here and if it comes for us to go to washington with signs ; ) I will be there.

I am sirious You will win : )

I'm sorry to hear he's doing this. Mine put off a trial so many times I honestly lost count. It dragged on for years. I changed lawyers, too, and recommend it if you honestly think it could be worthwhile in the longrun. Good that you know to look at it in terms of how it can be to your advantage. However justified anger is, I find it always translates to weakness. Defending yourself firmly but without anger is always the way to go, however hard it is. MUCH easier said than done, but I'm learning. The best thing is concentrating on your and your children's happiness. As much as you may want to report his hypocrisy to church leaders, I think you're better off attending your church's divorce program or utilizing any other resources they may offer.

Thanks, Pryce. Our trial was reset to December 3rd. My lawyer told me he's only allowed 1 continuance. If he pulls something else I don't really know what I'll do. For now I am not consumed with thoughts about the divorce. We'll see how I feel in a couple of months, though.

Rabbeca

Just wondered how you are doing, haven't heard from you in a while. I hope things are a lot calmer for you and you are having fun with your kids. I am also beginning to feel the need to lessen the time I spend thinking about the N and what he has done. It is all part of the recovery process. Anyway, it will be great to hear from you when you feel like sharing.

Stay happy.

Survivor15

Thanks for checking in on me. I'm doing OK. The less I think about my exN the better I feel. I have 4 weeks until my assault trial on the 30th and my divorce trial on December 3rd. I just want it to be over and so do my kids.

Rabbeca

Glad to hear you are doing fine. I will be thinking of you on the trial dates and keeping fingers crossed. It will be a busy week for you but I am sure you will do just great. Having already survived the biggest trauma of leaving him, these court dates will just be the final cleansing before it is finally over.

Cheering you on.

Survivor15

Our trial took place Thursday and Friday, and because of the limited availability of judges we still did not get done. I have to wait another 2 or 3 weeks to go back and who knows what will happen after that.

I had my assault hearing on Monday and they refused to dismiss the charges unless I agreed to take a parenting class. Which I can not afford.

To make everything worse my parents have to go back home now and I will be by myself again with no support. My children have special needs and no one wants to babysit them. I can not do this alone so I am thinking maybe I need to forget about going through further pain and just let my ex have the kids. No I don't think that's best for them, but I KNOW I can not parent them all by myself.