Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

My stepdaughter (actually partners daughter) seems to be on the spectrum. A counselor she went to said she thinks she's psychopathic. Story: Her parents were married and divorced when she was 7. Dad threatened to take mom to court and bring up her "lifestyle" to get sole custody, so she got scared and agreed to him having physical custody. When SD was 13 I came into the picture. SD had begun to get in trouble with the school and was acting out sexually and had continued to have bad grades. We had a great relationship the 1st year. I naively thought I could "fix" her and she moved in. I immediately set boundaries and was on her to make sure she did right. Her grades eventually got better and although she continuued to get in trouble both at school and at home. The real trouble began at 16 when she was arrested for shoplifting. Again, there was a period where she got better, but then when her boyfriend went to jail, she lost it. This was a yr and a half ago. That spring her grades dropped again, she got in more trouble at school, was sneaking out, doing drugs , selling drugs, was in trouble with the police for being an accseory to her boyfriends burglary and attempted selling of a stolen weapon. That summer she stole her little brothers birthday money and a gift card from my purse, although lied about it ( and then later when she finally did tell the truth, she said she stole cuz it was there), i believe she stole my engagement ring, got in trouble with school for having weed on the property, sent to alternative school. in the fall she stole from me agin, this time cashed a check in my name for 200, said it was bc I was ignoring her and never said sorry. The in the Spring she was arrested agin for shoplifting. When she came out she swore she was changed and not going to get in trouble again. next month she was skipping and failing and the school withdrew her and told her mom and me that she was no longer welcome at school. we told her since she hadnt kept a job (went through 4 jobs, stayed no more than a month b4 getting fired), was not in school and was 18 and keeping drugs and alcohol in our house that she'd have to move out in 3 mon. A couple weeks later she stole my debit card and we kicked her out. Again it was my fault bc I ignored her. She went to live with her dad again, who is her staunch defender. 4 days after she moved i with him, 3rd shoplifting arrest. Again, she's sorry and it won't happen again. Last month again, this time hit and run and possession. Dad now has her at a hospital doing outpatient treatment. They have diagnosed depression so far.

I have chosen since she left here to have no relationship with her at this time. I refuse to be blamed for someone staeling from me and ruining their life. She has never taken the blame for anything. She recently texted me an aoplogy. I wrote her and told her that was great , but we had a long way to go. We could try writing back and forth. Never heard from her again. Now Dad just emailed Mom and guess what? She was able to open up to the counselor and guess who's fault it is as usual!? Mine! Yes, i emotionally abused her and made her live through menatl anguish!! I am dumbstruck. I know i yelled at her when she screwed up and was strict, but mental anguish?? Should I feel so hurt and mad?

Is the counselor right? Am I dealing with somone that has psychopathic tendencies? And if so what do i do?Thank you...

I'm not qualified to diagnose, but from what you said it could also be bipolar disorder or borderline personality as well...just my opinion.

regardless, she displays negative "attention" seeking behaviors obviously. So, from a parenting spectrum, I would keep that in mind. Reinforce positive/good behaviors..lots of praise...

..If bipolar IS on board, then she needs mood stabilizing drugs....just an antidepressant wouldn't do the trick, if she swings into mania.

like I said ,I'm just playing the guessing game like you and I don't even know her.....She definately needs LOTS of counseling!!!

Good luck
Detach

Yes, i have actually said that she could be bipolar too. Have a fwe in my family she resembles them...

Sounds like you may have been the primary authority figure in this kid's life since age 13. So of course in her mind everything is your fault.

I'm no expert, and I don't have all the facts, but putting myself in your shoes, I think I would want to take advantage of the fact that she is actually in counseling and offer to see the counselor with her. Mainly so that the counselor can see who you really are instead of hearing it from SD. Counselor probably already has an idea of the real story, but it could ease your mind and may help SD, and later no one can be heard to say you didn't give it your best shot.

Mariemarie: I hope this doesn't come off as cold but...here goes: The counselor i referred to that thought she was Psychopathic isnt the one she is seeing now. That was a woman I took SD to for about 6 mon, ending in May. we did family and single counseling. No one has offered to have me in this counselor's sessions. SD has told her Mom she isn't ready for a change at this point, but has been telling the counselors and her dad that she is. I guess I don't want to put forth an effort at this point, when she is saying what people want to hear and she is still making me to blame for her actions. I refuse to give her actions attention, bc she is trying to manipulate it out of me. I feel like if and when she recognizes her responsibility in her actions, then I am willing at that point to discuss with her our relationship. I just think I have been through way too much and at this point like having to not deal with her crap. My therapist says that I was not a part of the original family dynamic and although i carry some weight in being too involved for 4 yrs, that they all need to work that out first before the steparents, friends, etc. You know where I am coming from?

Oh, and yes, i was the primary caregiver/authority figure in her life the last few yrs. i thought I could fix her. My bad. I shouldve kept my stepparent status and not have tried to be a parent to her. I just was thinking I was gonna do what her parents couldnt/wouldnt do.

justasm -

No, it doesn't come off as being cold at all. I didn't realize you'd already been to family counseling before.

And you can't beat yourself up over having gotten involved "parentally." Who knows, if she could have been helped, it may have helped. And now you know to protect yourself. Sometimes kindness means letting go.

Sounds like SD is going to have a hard row to hoe, until she takes personal responsibility for her actions. And seems like you realize that this may not happen for a long, long time, if ever. This has got to be very, very stressful for you.

Thank you for simply understanding. That is really all I need...someone who understands the stress and pain.