Living with an abuser – The Vicious Circle
It has been expected of me to behave in a certain way – his way.
He does not fully comprehend what it entails to be the mother of two young children.
For years now I have learnt to not show my real emotion when in his presence.
If I, just like all mothers of children, nevermind YOUNG children become tired, irritable, frustrated, emotionally drained, he has this obsession to comfort and protect the children as if I am going to turn in some kind of monster.
He has NEVER protected me. In fact, when he goes into that overprotective mode with the children, he insults me with unthought-of words like “barbaristic”.
If I then have the nerve to react and say what I think about it, he locks himself in his car, and sometimes shoves an instrument in my face to tape me. In September 2005 I went away (1300 km from our house) for a funeral. When I came back he has planted a camera in the fluorescent light and had a VCR in the ceiling to tape me "when I carry on".
I have often “lost my mind” and could honestly say that I almost felt as if I am going crazy.
There were SEVERAL incidents where I voiced my feelings when emotionally drained, when I felt life’s pressures, when he would just walk away, or get in his car, or insult me, and there I was, feeling totally rejected – because I was. I am not good enough for him when I am feeling weak.
My name means “Strong and Everlasting”. . . but when I feel life’s pressures and need my husband’s shoulder to cry on, he walks, no RUNS away and REJECTS me.
Why did I marry him?? Only God knows.
He has the ability to deny himself of any emotion. I NEVER see him with ANY emotion, positive OR negative.
It is NOT human.
It is NOT humanly possible to NEVER show emotion.
I have often thought (to myself) – I have also learnt that what I THINK is MY business, and often my most prized possession – “let me play the game he plays.”
But I’m not one for playing games.
I am too honest.
I am NOT a liar. Also not about my feelings. Feelings denied and buried alive NEVER die, it does not matter how deep you bury them. They have the tendency to appear. . . when you least expect it.
The vicious cycle goes like this:
It goes well, and I tell everyone so, for weeks. . . as long as I keep quiet. I suppose it would go well longer if I was on a trip if I could take some anti-depressants and ignore all of life’s irritations and teach my children that everything daddy let’s them do is OK (he CANNOT say “no” to them). In the long term (something he does NOT think about), they WILL emotionally outgrow him and have absolutely no respect for him, which is in my book much more important than love.
And without getting all religious on you, what is love?
We can answer (if we can) that later.
So one day, he does another unpractical thing (or two or three in a row) which will be once again going to be to the disadvantage of the children, and once again I have the “audacity” to voice MY plain-common-sense-opinion (after explaining it to our 5-year-old, even he understands it!!). See, I have, through the years, narrowed down my frustrations to only those things that would be to the disadvantage of our children. After all, it is also MY children, and seeing that I have already made quite a few mistakes with my oldest daughter (now almost 23), I would hate to make some more, unnecessary mistakes!
And when I do voice my opinion? It is usually logical, practical, and makes perfect sense to everybody. . . except him!!
There was a time that our son was still 4, almost 5, and wetting the bed EVERY night.
The obvious thing that came to my head was to mention that he should stop taking our boy to bed with a bottle of water!
Luckily, over the last 8,5 years, I always had people in my life I could talk to, outside this house.
I almost ALWAYS ask the opinion of others, outside this house.
If I didn’t, I would have surely gone crazy, lost my mind and he would be happy to see me certifiable!!
Even if I gave the opinion of others to him, he NEVER listened, and I mean NEVER.
When I told him he should STOP giving Our son a bottle of water at bedtime, his answer was: “I won’t!!”
In my opinion, he is then deliberately helping Our son to wet the bed and quite frankly, this could be to the disadvantage of Our son’s social development!
So. I am not scared, and I voice my adult opinion. I am NOT an opinionated person (someone who gives their opinion without anybody asking for it) – but like I said – when it is something to the disadvantage of my children. . .
So I have to endure the insults and name calling.
If I react to his irrational insults, he would accuse me of being the “master abuser”, or that he only used adjectives, and denies that he insulted me.
He NEVER says he’s sorry, and that REALLY bugs me.
He has the cool, calm ability to turn the situation right around, becomes his charming self in a matter of seconds, while I am still furious for him insulting me. He then locks himself in his car, turns his back on me, puts the radio full blast, shoves something in my face to tape me. . . .all of this not always in that specific order, naturally.
When a communicator like myself wants to talk things through, in a civilized manner WITH A 46-YEAR-OLD man, who should be emotionally intelligent, I cannot begin to describe how infuriating it is to, for example, stand with your children next to his car, and he would only make eye contact with them.
So I have broken a few things out of pure frustration. . . it does not nearly express how I feel inside.
And at the end of every tiff it looks like I am the mad one. He pretends as if NOTHING happened but accuses me of being like that girl in the movie “50 First Dates” who cannot remember what happens from day to day.
I have tried EVERYTHING to communicate with him. He NEVER wants to communicate when something bugs me.
He is an electronic engineer. He has NO friends. We NEVER socialise with other together. I socialise outside of home with moms at school.
Is my husband a Sociopath? He admitted 3 or 4 years ago he has Avoidant Personality Disorder. He finds NOTHING wrong with his behaviour.
Our daughter was 8 in January and son is 6 in July. He spends ALL his time at home with them and with stuff that will impress them, building them a Wendy House at the moment. He wants sex every 6 weeks.
I read some posts on http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-sociopath.htm (from the bottom to No 29) and made notes on the stuff my husband is guilty of:
I would really like to know: Is my husband a sociopath?