Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

continual learner · Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Posts: 4

Thank you for offering this forum. I was a student of psychology, hoping to work with children at some point, but I have alot of learning still to gain. One area being narcissism. Whatever insight you are able to give will be appreciated.

Over the years, I feel that I've met a few (adults) who may have been narcissistic or may have somewhat narcissistic behaviours, but I am unsure. Currently, I have a friendship with someone who says that we were in high school together, though I don't recall having known him (it was many, many years ago, but I have a pretty decent memory). Approximately two months ago, we started talking and rather quickly we found ourselves talking about very personal and intimate stuff - our childhoods, sexuality, day-to-day activities, friends/incidences back home when we were growing up...what seemed as a quick bond between people who weren't really strangers at all. Sorry for the length, just wanted to give an intro...

Days into the relationship he was giving me 20+ messages and multiple phone calls a day. He showered me with pleasantries, nice comments, "love yous" - then a few weeks into the relationship he would say he'd call and then turn his phone off or not call. (At first I figured he might have a partner he was trying to hide our conversations from, but when I asked he claimed he didn't.) The saying he'd call and not calling has happened at least a couple of dozen times and I approached him a few times on this, but he seemed not so concerned about my feelings or that he went back on his word. One complication here, I'm married and have stated that we would be only able to have a friendship and that I did not want to do anything that would harm my husband or him - to which he has stated a number of things, numerous times - "you can't/won't hurt me" "you can have us both unconditionally" "just enjoy me". During our first conversation, my husband was sitting next to me when he asked my husband if he could "borrow" me.

Well, a few things that I know about my friend -
*he lost his Dad when he was in his teens (his Dad had been fairly strict, physically at times)
*he has a connection with him Mom, claims her as 2nd most important person in his life (though I don't know anything about her personality)
*he hung around a fairly beligerent crowd growing up, but claims he is "totally straight" now
*he is a single Dad, who's wife of 1 1/2 yrs was very young at the time and had left (she has not been in contact with his teenaged son for 9 years)
*his son is the most important person in his life and he boasts that his son is well-adjusted (that psychologists have said there doesn't seem to be any impact on his son from the "disappearance" of his mother)
*he claims himself as "passionate" about whatever he gets involved with, particularly his job - he states he is great at what he does for work.
*he goes to the gym and is part of a hobby club
*he volunteers as a coach for a kid's team sport in town
*he is particularly motivated by holidays and traditional holiday festivities

These all seem like things many people might experience in life. It's a few of the other things that have me questioning, though. He talks sexually fairly often or claims that "we will be together", he seems to believe this and tries to convince me of this no matter what I say. When I have any serious conversation or question of him, a common response would be "just enjoy me" (when at the moment I wasn't enjoying him at all, ie., he'd again claim he would phone, but not follow through, only for the morning to come and he'd act as though nothing was wrong with that). Lately, he has likened himself to an "ocean - that is always there abundantly, that I can choose to just view and smile, or if I need more of the ocean, food, adventure it's always there; you can get your fulfillment from it as needed or wanted". When asked what he means when he says "love you", he responded, "that I think of you 24/7 and care for you in every possible avenue, you're always thought of and adored, even when your a major pain in the @)# (referring to my request of him to only tell me he's going to call if he's going to call)".

His view of things or himself can be pretty grandiose - I get the sense that he feels he gives himself for purpose of bringing joy to others, but either doesn't recognize or care when he brings the opposite instead. He claims sometimes to excess that he cares about me and that he's "always there for me", but then his actions don't match his words. At first I was disappointed because I wanted to be able to trust his word on things and couldn't. Now I'm accepting that this is just routine for him and I can't have expectations greater than what I am seeing. Also, it seems as though he plays games, knowing that I'm waiting for him to call after he'd say call you in an hour, then disappear for two days (he waited until I wrote to him to see how he was doing before he responded himself - I had to make the first move).

One thing I can't shake is that my gut tells me that he may be dishonest (besides the obvious overembelishments) with some of what he's said. He claims he has been straight-forward and sincere with everything he's told me, but if he's excessive with his claims and glories, I find it possible that he is dishonest with some of his claims as well. The honesty is important to me as part of a friendship, as I've let him know as well.

What it seems is that having someone (or some people) adore him or think of him as the one who "fills the void" is what feeds him. He claims that his goal is to bring happiness to others. Self-giving is wonderful, but I think he believes he does this when he really isn't doing this at all, in order to bring himself a feeling of importance. It doesn't feel that he has the depth with a level of intimacy that friends would typically have, more in inability to truly express empathy or experience a realness with others.

The times I have known of him showing irritation at all had to do with the school counselor suggesting that possibly his son needs contact with his mother and when he felt his boss wasn't heeding his advice on changes and terminations that needed to be made within the company (he says his boss looks at him like another son and he has his boss' back). He acts a bit annoyed when I call him on his going back on his word again, but while incorporating only a few "peevy" type of names for me, he is usually just sicky sweet with his replies and blows off the whole seriousness of the conversation. It's as though he doesn't take others' feelings seriously.

This is not a comprehensive feel of what has gone on over the past couple of months, but for now is what I can think of. I've stood back and thought about this for the past couple of days. If you can give me your thoughts on how I should be thinking of the things I've mentioned above that would be great. Thank you!

samvaknin · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2229

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews. Click on these links to learn more:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/1.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/npdglance.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq82.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faqpd.html

Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship?

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse7.html

Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but discernible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself – and save yourself a lot of trouble!

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse8.html

Question:

How to recognise a narcissist before it is "too late"?

Answer:

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq58.html

We are surrounded by malignant narcissists. How come this disorder has hitherto been largely ignored? How come there is such a dearth of research and literature regarding this crucial family of pathologies? Even mental health practitioners are woefully unaware of it and unprepared to assist its victims.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal62.html

Narcissists are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to determine with any degree of certainty whether someone suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder – or merely possesses narcissistic traits, a narcissistic personality structure ("character"), or a narcissistic "overlay" superimposed on another mental health problem.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal63.html

The abuser mistreats only his closest – spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, and neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy – often with the active aid of their victims – over their dysfunction and misbehavior.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse9.html

Even a complete battery of tests, administered by experienced professionals sometimes fails to identify abusers and their personality disorders. Offenders are uncanny in their ability to deceive their evaluators. They often succeed in transforming therapists and diagnosticians into four types of collaborators: the adulators, the blissfully ignorant, the self-deceiving, and those deceived by the batterer's conduct or statements.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html