Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I have mentioned my exN is an ordained Elder in our church organization. Since before we even split up he showed behaviors and attitudes that I thought were contradictory to the standards a Christian Minister should be held to. Shortly after I left him I realized he was sleeping with a woman he had met at the church music functions he was involved in. I was disgusted but not shocked, since he had cheated on me repeatedly during our marriage.

I thought about reporting him to the church authorities at that time, but decided not to because I didn't need any more drama, and I wasn't sure they would take me seriously since his family has been in the organization for generations and I am a convert from another denomination.

Recently I have thought about finally bringing his behavior before the officials. I have had to really think about my motivation, and the truth is that I would feel great knowing that his narcissism and evil intentions were exposed and a source of narcissistic supply (his status and recognition in the church) was cut off. Even though it would feel great, that's the wrong reason for exposing him.

My reason for revisiting this issue is concern for my children. They know their dad is an ordained minister. They see him womanizing - he has gone back and forth between two girlfriends in the past year and has them spending the night with my kids there, too. The younger ones even know he is pulling one over on the women. He lets my older boys watch rated R movies. They think it's OK because he tells them he is just trying to show them what life is really like. They all know he has put out false assault charges against me - which is lying. He lied to the police, in front of my kids. To top it off, my exN's dad (my kids granddad) is the pastor of the church he attends, and therefore partially responsible for exN's conduct as a minister. However, his dad chooses to look the other way. You know, the "what I can't see doesn't exist" attitude towards abuse.


So, out of concern for my children's MORAL well being I am thinking about reporting my exN to the church authorities. Kids learn by example, and what they are learning is that you can lie, steal, cheat, commit adultery and do whatever else you want and it's OK as long as you go to church on Sunday. This is totally unacceptable, but I can't call out my ex to my kids because it will confuse and upset them. Every time I mention casually something he is doing that's not right they quickly jump to his defense.

I want to do what's right, so I am asking for your opinions and experience if you have any. Of course, I know that my action will ignite narcissistic rage and he will find a way to retaliate, but that can happen at any time over any thing, so why base my decision on that consequence alone?

Also I should mention that our divorce trial is coming up in a month and if I do report my exN I want it to be timed right. I don't know if it would be better to do it before the trial or wait until after the divorce and custody is finalized.

What do you all think?
-Rebecca

....

It seems to me that those who are already willing to turn a blind eye have a very big stake in continuing to turn a blind eye. He has more than likely already spread lies about you in order to make himself look like the wronged one. People who chose to believe him will very likely continue to choose that path. He has likely projected all his wrongdoings onto you in his lies, as Ns do. Reporting him will likely "prove" to them the lies he has already told them.

Report him. If they don't believe, that's their problem. But when the sh^% hits the fan, as eventually it will, he'll get to cocky and someone will spill the beans. Then they will have your report filed.
Just keep to the facts.
Your report may get ignored, but later on down the line, some other women, may report him and if their is a history of women doing so, in time, his castle will come crashing down.

Our Bishop, could do nothing, without proof, when he thought a minister was abusing his wife and other un -Christian behaviours. As the guy pleaded innocent and blamed the wife, she was shunned by most members (I never trusted him, my N instincts screamed) and he was a charasmatic N. Eventually the wife divorced and reported him, then the Bishop could act.

Whatever you do, I hope you find peace and joy and can recover from the awful effects of living with an N.

Thanks, everyone. I am positive he has spread some lies about me, which I expected when we split. I haven't heard any of them come back on me, but his problem is that no matter what I may have done (or not done) there's no excuse for sleeping with other women. The church rules don't have contingencies, and he can claim all he likes that those women are "just friends" but I don't think anyone will believe him. We are all adults here.

I really wish I could catch him in some lies. The only pictures I have are of the nasty old house we used to live in. I have documentation of his visitation schedule with the kids, too. We've been using an exchange service. I have documentation that he is the one that filed the assault charges on me, too. Maybe I can catch him in a lie about that.

Anyway, I am more and more convinced that I should file the report with the church, based mostly on his extramarital activities in the past year and a half. I can't prove he beat me or verbally abused me and the kids, but my kids have told me over and over about "Miss T" and "Miss Lisa". I even have a picture (headshot) that he took of one of them in her car. I have cell phone records that he was calling her at 5:00 am every morning before work while he and I were still together.

Thanks again, everyone.
-Rebecca

I say report him too. Most likely, he has already told them many lies about you. Protect yourself, stand up for yourself and speak up. At this meeting, I would also take in any documentation you feel appropriate to discuss with them, this way, you will have evidence to back your discussion without them wondering, if you are just being spiteful.and looking for revenge.

I speak from experience. I am now divorced after 17 years of marriage, two children ages now 16 and 17. This N is truly a people user conartist. It doesn't get any better than him. He also has everyone in our church where I no longer worship, FOOLED. When I approached our family minister director, I was told I will minister to your children when I feel the time is appropriate. I took legal documents explaining my situation as proof, unfortunately, I believe, they wanted nothing to do with this especially if it's a legal issue. Now he surely walks on water, he began seminary school. OMG, help me. You are such a hipicrite. N just need that admiration.

I say, report him. Let the others know, but in the end, only one person matters, and that one person already knows what he has done. HIs day will come.


Mollydog

Thanks for your input. I have stopped attending the denomination altogether because I guess I'm disgruntled with the way they handle these things in general. After all, he has not tried to keep his activities much of a secret, but people in general would rather look the other way because it makes them uncomfortable to stare a problem in the face and call it what it is.

I have been attending church with my parents - a different denomination - and even though I believe some of their doctrines to be wildly imaginative (shall we say?), I feel more at peace after spending a Sunday there.

Even so, I guess I will send that letter after all, once I know how this divorce turns out. Or doesn't. I have the feeling he will find ways to drag it on and on until I give up from exasperation.

-Rebecca

Hey rebeccajoy, I feel for you! I just finished divorcing my exN this year. It was a nasty, very nasty divorce and I think my exN loved it that way, just to keep tormenting me and dragging it out. Ours should have been done in less than 6 months, but he made it go on and on, leading to a full- blown trial!
You mentioned that you believe he will drive you to the point of wanting to give up. DON'T give up!!! I know it's hard. Many times I was ready to give up my fight, it was very hard and now that I am legally divorced I actually did quite well and he is still in rage over it. I fought hard with my lawyer, very hard and we prevailed! I got my ExN exactely where it hurts him the most: MONEY! The Judge saw the whole picture... My ExN actually thought that he could get away with emptying EVERY bank account so he wouldn't have to share with me (I guess it's normal for Ns since rules and laws do not apply to them!). He paid very dearly for all the crap he put me through! Don't give up!
NC is the greatest gift you can give yourself. I do not associate with anyone who has contact with him. It has to be that way and it works great.
Good luck!

Report his ass - and that's coming from a nice Southern Christian lady, me, who doesn't swear Report his ass, I'll say it again.

As long as that snake roams free, he's going to prey on some and corrupt the faith of others. The boards are full of people who have been hurt by phony N Christians. It makes me sick how much damage they can do. Chances are, there are others there who are angling to get him out too because he probably has done other kinds of bad things, too.

You just do the right thing, and let the chips fall where they may. One person speaking up could be very important for someone else to hear. Maybe a child who is looking on. Even if things do not go the way you would like them to go, other things might happen that needed to happen - if that makes sense. Maybe he's trying to prey on someone, and your report would give them the courage to do something about it.

You can even be up front with people, you know, "I know this looks like revenge and yes, I am mad at him and he should not be doing this stuff, our children even know about it. He's hurting people. It's wrong!" Yes, be transparent. Report his ass .

Best wishes to you.