Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I understand that your expertise is apparently narcissistic personality disorder, however, since this is a forum for both psychopathy and NPD, maybe you have some knowledge about this as well...

I left what I believe was an abusive relationship about 3 years ago. While I was with him, he was a great boyfriend when I met him when we were 14 years old (very sweet, charming, funny young man at first glance) but progressively got a lot worst. He became very possessive and jealous; he was so jealous that he was jealous of Johnny Depp when we went to the movies and I actually wanted to watch the movie instead of make out with him. He started to nag me whenever I left the house and couldn't talk to him on the phone, so eventually I began to spend most of my time in the house by the phone. He was very aggressive sexually and never really took no for an answer. It started with grabbing my face to force me to kiss him and eventually escalated to him lying to get me to have sex with him, making me feel guilty whenever I didn't want to have sex, and pushing the boundaries on what I did and did not allow him to do. For example, he got me to let him touch me sexually by saying his mother beat him with a lamp and made him clean up the blood (I constantly questioned whether this was true, but he usually made me feel guiltier than I already felt about asking him). I felt bad for him so I said he could touch me as long as he didn't put his finger in, and he put his finger in anyway. This was a constant occurrence. He would try to do sexual things to me in my sleep, and one time tried to have anal sex with me while I was asleep. And then he finally raped me (withdrawal of consent after penetration...some people don't consider it rape and my state's law only made it rape about two years ago). I only stayed with him for a year after that, mostly because I had reached rock bottom and didn't really love myself enough to care.

When I got up the nerve to leave the relationship, he responded very hostilely with threats of suicide, stalking, pushing, pulling, stopping me from getting to class, sending me notes constantly in class, calling me constantly, spreading rumors, and getting his friends to harass me too. It got so bad I had to get someone to be my bodyguard to deter him from approaching me in school so I could at least finish my education. After high school, things became a lot better but I still hear from him every now and then and its very annoying and stressful.

Sorry for the long-winded background...

The reason I began to think he may have actually been psychopathic is when I began to take psychology classes. I got into psychology to learn more about what happened between us and to maybe help others who have to deal with people like him. Or, maybe even help him. And I began to learn about antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy (naturally), and he seems to fit all the symptoms. I'm unsure because I feel as though I could be reading more into his actions out of my own spitefulness...but everytime I read about psychopathy, he really just fits the bill...

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He appears to fit the following criteria listed in Hare's PCL-R:
~Superficial charm: Though not too many people end up liking him in the end, he can usually captivate people with his apparent lack of shyness. He never seems to really just shut up and is never loss of words. Very talkative, and though he usually doesn't say the right things, he definitely isn't restrained by what others may think of what he's saying. I think with practice he may eventually understand what to say and what not to say.

~Grandiose estimation of self: This one is a big symptom he has. He has a sense of entitlement that really seems to be what makes him so frightening for me. He's a guitarist and ACTUALLY said he was BETTER than Bob Marley...He is the most arrogant person I know and will often go berserk on anyone who contradicts this image he's built for himself. He approached me to tell me he was sorry for what he did, I said for him to leave me alone and get out of my life, and he told me I was pathetic and that he was going to be great someday so I'm missing out.

~Need for stimulation: Nothing ever really seems to be enough for him. Sexually, he goes on forever it would seem and his drive is never satisfied. But I don't know if that counts because he seems to be able to hold his attention long enough to pursue things he wants with annoying persistence (including me).

~Pathological lying: Another big symptom. After I broke up with him, I found out that most of the things he said to be was a lie. He constantly lied about the stupidest things. Like when we were younger (around 15), he told everyone, "Listening to headphones too loud will make your heart explode". And that makes no sense whatsoever. Then there was this time when we were about 16 or 17 when he told me that I HAD to have sex with him because he had "blue balls" and was in a lot of pain (he actually told me this crap again when we were 20). Another example is when we were 18 and he redrew these popular webcomics and showed them around in school saying they were his own. When I confronted him and told him I knew exactly where the comics came from, he said that he redrew them because his printer wasn't working and he wanted to be able to read them on his computer...and I just heard him say like 5 minutes before that they were his comics! Now he's beginning to do it for more serious things, like lying to my friends (ones that he don't even know, or are just meeting) about how we broke up. He's saying that he broke up with me because I was crazy and depressed all the time, trying to ruin my friendships! Luckily the friend who told me this was a really close one who knew me since 7th grade and she didn't believe him, but what if she did? He has also done this to another girl and while I'd love to talk to her to find out exactly what he did to her, I'm certain she dislikes me because of what he said about me to her. She apparently stabbed him for what he did, but he's painting her to be a psycho too.

~Cunning and manipulativeness: I don't think he's very manipulative, but he most certainly tries. It kinda ties into his pathological lying, he seems to make up anything to get sympathy, and therefore support, from other people. One particular instance is when he raped me. He was the one who told me it was rape and he said he felt so horrible and guilty about what he did. He called himself evil and even cried. I felt bad and tried to forgive him. But after we broke up, he went online and said that it was just a misunderstanding and that I was threatening to call the police on him if he didn't do what I wanted, when he knew that I never told a soul. When I asked him about it, he shrugged and said, "I don't know". I don't know how many people he told these sorts of lies to to make me look horrible and to make himself look like a victimized saint.

~Lack of remorse or guilt: A lot of what happened between us, he appears to really not care about. He pretends to, often to get back on my good side, but he turns right back around and clearly does not understand what he's done. He has no real idea why I'm not speaking to him. He apologized to me for what he did to me one time and then about two months later actually told me "you abandoned me and nothing happened between us except two kids bickering over something silly."

~Shallow affect: Like I said above, he honestly attempts to make some passes at emotions, usually to get people to sympathize with him, but when you really look its not there or its deluded in some form. For example, he made a blog entry about how he was going to have to sell his guitars because he's out of money. But then he elaborated and he was selling 2 out of 8 guitars, meaning he still had a whopping 6 guitars left. Hardly anything to complain about. He doesn't quite seem to understand what it is that makes someone feel sympathy for another and appears to struggle with grasping what he should and should not feel bad about. He understands extremes (like if someone abuses you, they feel bad for you), but nothing else seems to make a connection...

~Callousness and lack of empathy: Again, he seems to just not understand the emotions of others...Sorta the same with the lack of remorse. He doesn't care about what he does to others and doesn't appear to understand what they go through. One time, he found someone's graphing calculator and tried to steal it. Graphing calculators cost over $100. And the person wrote their name on the back of the calculator. When I saw him, he was scratching the name off and said he was going to try to sell it or something. I told him to give it to lost and found because that's a very expensive item and was hard to replace for a lot of people at our high school. He fought me tooth and nail, trying to say it didn't matter, until he finally turned it in because I was angry at him.

~Sexual promiscuity: Another big symptom that fits him well. Everything seems to be driven by sex with him when it comes to relationships. He seeks to stay in a long term relationship, but he only shows his emotions through sex. He said this to me himself one time. When he was sad (or something he didn't want to happen, happened), he wanted sex. When he was happy, he wanted sex. When he was angry, he wanted sex. He has forced himself on me on several occasions, though they don't count as rape along with the other one because I consented. In the case of the rape, I didn't want to do it and he pretty much pulled my panties down and pulled me on top of him, so I mumbled a yes. Afterward, I wanted to stop and I told him "I want to stop". He said "No, I want to keep going". I started crying, looked him in the eye, and said, "Why aren't you listening to me?"...and he just looked at me and said nothing. And in his last relationship (with the girl who stabbed him), he told me that she wouldn't have sex with him and that he was mad at her because she wouldn't "make love" but also wouldn't let him go have sex with someone else. I told him that maybe he should break up with her if she doesn't want to have sex and that is his main preoccupation at the moment, and for some reason he didn't want to do that.

~Lack of realistic long-term goals: He wants to be a rock star.......'nough said. He is in college but isn't doing very well and doesn't seem to really be going far in getting his degree...which is apparently in music.

~Irresponsibility: Very, very irresponsible person, especially when it comes to borrowing things from others. He often would borrow things and either steal them (i.e. never give it back, which he actually did to me) or he would return it in terrible condition. He didn't repay money when he borrowed it, even when he had money himself.

~Failure to accept responsibility for own actions: He's ALWAYS trying to find something as a scapegoat. Its usually his mother, but after our breakup, it was me for a while. Now I'm sure he's going to start using the girl that tried to stab him. No matter what, anything that he fails at is the fault of someone else. If he messed up his school schedule, its the school's fault. He gets attacked by his ex, he didn't do anything and she's just crazy. If I confess what he did to me, its my fault. He would always tell me that bad things that happened in our relationship was either my fault or "both of our faults".

~Many short-term marital relationships: He's never been married, but since 14, he's had at least 8 girlfriends that I know of (including myself). It may be more at this point. And he usually cannot keep a solid friendship because people begin to dislike him after getting past the funny, confident part and getting into the arrogant, liar part.

~Juvenile delinquency: I don't know anything about him before he was 14, but a lot of this behavior seemed to have really started around this time. His parents seem to be completely oblivious to his actions (or even support him and enable his behavior), so I can't really ask them and they probably don't know himself. I do know that he tried to sell weed when he was in 9th grade, he stole a lot, and there was, of course, the rape and the stalking. He also does underage drinking, but I think it only started after the break up and wouldn't count since a lot of people do that (including myself).

~Revocation of conditional release: He's never been to jail, but if going back on casual promises counts, then this could be a check too. He constantly ignores and disregards the conditions I set up. He just has a complete lack of regard for my boundaries and rules. For example, I told him to never talk to me ever again and now he's saying that he wants to contact me again. I'm unsure if he'll go through with it, but he usually does.

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I apologize again for the length...but I wanted to be thorough so you'd know exactly why I'm coming to the conclusion he's psychopathic. Even with all of these reasons, I still feel as though I may be wrong and may just be interpreting this based on my own biases and fear (though I may also be questioning myself because he's often made me feel confused and uncertain about our relationship). But I can't find any other explanation for why he's done these things to me and to others. I'm tired of blaming myself and I can't just ask him...and even if I do ask him, I doubt he's even going to tell the truth. I don't even know if HE knows what the truth is anymore.

Me and my boyfriend have a joke that he's like herpes, because ever since I interacted with him, I can't seem to get him to go away for good. He keeps popping up randomly in my life and never really seems to want to stay gone. Usually every 6 months or so. And though its a lighthearted joke, it still is very disturbing and stressful. He has been violent toward me before, and I fear he could get violent again one day. My psychology classes don't help much, seeing as though I end up learning about a lot of cases with jilted ex-lovers obsessively pursuing their former partners for years and then killing them. I'm certain he's stalking me online because I wrote a blog on this art website about how I'm trying to forgive him, and a random person who said they was a "stranger" who "follow (but not watch) me on another account and made a new one to reply to the blog". When I asked why they made a new account if I didn't know who they were, they avoided the question and just said, "I felt silly". Two days after, I went on his profile and he had posted a blog that directly related to what I had said about him and how sorry he was about what he did. He then flat out said that he wanted to contact me but was worried I hated him.

I don't know what to do...I feel frightened and alone. I have my current boyfriend to talk about this with, but I know he's getting tired of having to constantly deal with my ex. This is very unfair to him and I hate putting him through this. Sometimes I want to just give in to my ex and leave my boyfriend just so he can have peace of mind...I read that psychopaths are driven by temptation and "forbidden fruits", and right now to my ex, I would just be the one thing he wanted and could never get back, the only thing he could never control. And I fear that if he's a psychopath and I'm his "forbidden fruit", he may never stop until he has control over me, one way or another.

I'd appreciate any help and if you actually read all of that, I commend you greatly! Thanks in advance...

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Antisocial Personality Disorder (psychopathy) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.

These may be of help - click on the links:

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and AsPD (Antisocial Personality
Disorder, or Psychopathy/Sociopathy)

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders15.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq82.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq45.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq57.html

http://open-site.org/Health/Conditions_ ... ntisocial/

Take care there!

Sam