Hi Dr. Vaknin,
I am currently in a relationship and need help on determining if he is a pyschopath or am I just crazy and overlooking things.
It will be a year since we have been together next month, I travelled from my home country to the USA to be with him after we met on study abroad last year.
I have questioned his personality due to the arguments we have had. For instance last night we had an argument regarding a place we should eat it, prior to leaving I suggested we call up the place in case they close early, his response to me saying that was to 'calm down' and not 'freak out' but I wasn't freaking out so his response confused me.
This then led to us arguing because I was upset that he approached me this way and I then walked back upstairs from the car because we hadn't seen each other all day and we were already arguing. I know I shouldn't have walked away but i was upset at the time.
He then left and came back a short period later telling me they had closed. His argument towards me was that if I wanted to call them I should've, I shouldn't have asked him to call them. I shouldn't have gotten angry at him for not calling them, but I wasn't angry at him for not calling, I was angry at his approach of telling me to calm down like I'm acting crazy.
This then led to him talking for a long period of time while I was in the bathroom fixing my hair tie, I was listening to him and then all of a sudden he grabs me and forcefully drags me down the hallway of my own apartment and throws me outside. I tried to fight back but he is strong and I usually get hurt if I do. He locked me outside and I was shocked at his reaction, while inside he was packing my bag so we could go to his place (we discussed me sleeping at his earlier but that changed due to our argument) when he finally opened the door after me telling him to get out of my house, he slammed the door in my face and then re opened it which I then put my foot in the door to stop him from closing it again, but instead he slammed the door on my foot numerous times. I know that was my fault for putting my foot in the door, I just wanted to stop him from locking me out.
He then told me I need to stop being a 'butthole' and said he will only let me in if I stop being one, at this stage I was crying because I'm not used to this behaviour and I really don't know why he acts like this. I wasn't answering because I was crying and then he told me to apologise so I gave in and said ok I'm sorry for whatever I've done, he then got mad because I didn't specify what I've done, he then told me to stop being a butthole again and I replied yes fine which apparently he didn't hear me and slammed the door again.
He finally let me inside because I said yes I'll stop being a butthole and once inside I walked to the bathroom and locked it and barracaded myself in the bathroom by pushing my back on the door so he won't get in, however I didn't lock it properly and he had the door slightly open while I tried to push it close and told him to leave me alone.... for the next hour he spoke calmly telling me why I'm in the wrong and why I should apologise and then drifting off to other topics about himself with finding a job and saving money. I tried not to respond but at one stage I blew up and just yelled leave me alone which then started an argument so I stayed quiet again, during this time he laughed at me, called me Autistic and dumb and proceeded to open the door.... I finally didn't have any more energy and the door opened but I told him to get out and he backed up so I ran back in the bathroom to lock the door, it didn't work.
He finally said he was leaving and he wanted a hug and then for some reason he would start again about how I was wrong, then he would say he is leaving again and that he was sorry for hurting me and that his intention earlier for dragging me out the house was playful but then a moment later he said it was because I wasn't listening. He then pretended to leave and made kissy noises and said he really wants a hug but I stayed quiet.
He went to my door and slammed it but I knew he was still inside so I properly locked the bathroom and stayed there. About 5 minutes later I could hear him creeping outside my bathroom as the floor slightly creeps then all of a sudden I hear my laundry door being open and him moving around. After 5 minutes he then left and I finally left the bathroom and locked my front door. I looked around to see what he had done... I had just freshly washed my sheets and had them laying on the bed, he stole them and my blanket.
He then came back upstairs and banged on the door and then disappeared and called me numerous times. I answered but didn't talk to see where he was, he was in the parking lot still. I knew he stole my sheets to gain leverage on coming back inside my apartment after I locked him out. After going back and fourth via phone calls he said he threw my sheets and blanket over the balcony and they should be there, I looked outside and nothing was there, he then said he can't help me and sorry if someone took them (his sorry wasn't real). I then broke down because i shouldn't have to deal with this, someone taking my only sheets I have and blanket because of my reaction.
He said he took them because I made him angry, so I said his sorry was a lie then and he said no and I said he didn't care about me which he said he did. But if he did why would he do that? Am i crazy? I felt crazy because I was crying over a pair of sheets, I slept on towels and a spare throwover rug, I don't have a car here and I work two jobs to make ends meet so my situation isn't the best, I go back home in two months to finish university (Australia) and I am trying to make the most of it with him but I feel like I'm losing.
Am I crazy? Or is he the one driving me to act crazy? Please help. (We have had physical fights in our relationship and when I fight back it gets worse so I try not to, so I already know that he is abusive and I have to be careful on how I react around him, but I just need someone to tell me what they think, am I wrong? Or am I the sane one?