Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I am currently receiving the silent treatment from my boyfriend of 12 years. Together since I was 16 and he was 17. We live together and also own a business together. I just recently pondered the thought that he is a narcissist. This is the second time I'm receiving the silent treatment. A few years back, he gave me the silent treatment for 5 months straight. We would work painfully beside each other by day which included 'fake' talking in front of customers and would practically kick me out of our car when we reached our house every weekday, returning late and would come home at 5 or 6am on weekends without any explanation. He had never pulled something like that before. I was confused, isolated,shocked and totally emotionally distraught. I couldn't eat and was crying my eyes at least once a day for those 5 months. He never did react like a normal person would. I was a fool and tried everything in my power to get back in his good graces. Even giving him sex. Of course he left to go out shortly after. The worst part is that I later found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. I panicked and told him right when he came home from a night of partying. He said "don't worry, we'll take care of it" and he fell asleep. I didn't sleep much at all. My mind wasn't fully functioning and I was so eager to do anything to make the pain of his silent treatment go away that I did as he requested without even taking a day to think about such a huge decision. The silent treatment stopped that day and was followed immediately by a vacation to Cuba. Things quieted down for the next few years but I could never look at him the same again. Fast forward to present day...I am in the 3rd week of receiving the silent treatment for the second time. We had got into and argument while he was driving about how he had promised to take me out for my birthday but instead, we went to dinner with his friend. Anyway, as we were arguing in the car, he didn't fully stop at the red light before making a right turn and a cop pulled him over and gave him a ticket. I apologized for my part and vocalized that he was the one controlling the wheel. (FYI, he got a ticket the prior week on his own)This was the night that the silent treatment began for the second time. I got really emotionally stressed and panicky for the first week because I was terrified of what was to come. After a week of intense stressing, I got a funny rash, went to the doctor and he told me it was shingles(adult chicken pox) He said that because I seemed otherwise healthy, and asked if I was going through any life trauma. Yes. I am. Then I just got really raged that the stress was starting to show physically. Shingles is extremely painful and affects the nerves in and around your spine. He didn't really care at all. He grumbled stronger pain meds. Jerk. He's starting his partying binge again. Not even Shingles can reason with the wrath of his revenge needs I guess. I refuse to sit around and cry this time. What tactics should I utilize to deal with the silent treatment this time around, especially as I'm still healing from Shingles. Do I ignore him? Should I take off for weekends? Should I stop doing house chores and not cook dinner? I do not want another rash outbreak because I'm told it can happen multiple times. My health trumps his crazy. My main goal is to keep as stress free as possible. Pls, any experienced help would be so appreciated...

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No more cooking dinner for him, no errands for him, no buying his favorite foods, and no sex. No sex!
Find friends who are not mutual friends - girl friends who you can hang out with. Come and go as you please without running it past him. Don't ask his permission. Don't let him judge you, make demands of you, intimidate you, or get you to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain to him). If he hits you, lock him out and call the police.

Ns HATE the silent treatment - ignore him like he's dead to you (like he's doing to you). Don't answer if he talks to you.
Start thinking about your life without him, and tell your parents and trusted friends how he is mistreating you. Lean on them for support without bringing them too far down. Expect him to continue acting like a lowlife, and expect him to try to steal your business out from under you.

If he's out all night, he's quite probably cheating on you. Even if he isn't cheating, this isn't the guy for you. He has no remorse for his abuse of you. He's only going to get worse over time.

Who signed the lease on your apartment, or if you own, who is on the deed to your house?
Think about how to handle getting him out of there so you can move on. You might need to see a lawyer about having one of you buy the other one out of the business you share and any property you co-own. Start applying for your own credit cards if you share a credit line. Think about opening your own banking and checking accounts.

Getting rid of this loser will help get your mental and physical health back on track.
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Hi.
You have to stop expecting him to improve.
I know one who has achieved longer periods with good mood before next relapse.
He thinks he can do this to you only as long as noone else knows, and as long as you do not make him having to answer for it in front of others.
If he does make it his privilage to haress you with this silence treatment, first make sure that it is not a general depression he has.
If it is not, he must somehow be made responsible for it in front of others. For instance his own parents, brothers, uncles, aunts. It is crucial you shall not be the only one knowing what is going on, and suffering from it
Tell him you love him (if you do) But make this "contract" in peaceful times. It is tough, but storms will come.
That you are not accepting his way of ruining yours and his life. If he does not accept that you take contact with his relatives to force him to change by telling them it all, and if this might make him so aggressive that he might attack you, you should have some backup person in your flat (it would be good if this was a relative of his, whom you trust and who can step in from the other room and stop him as he gets dangerously aggressive.)

Then as his being crazy is revealed so that it is known by his relatives, you should really show him love and care, but demand that he and you see a therapist together, and have some sort of a contract with his relatives that first sign of relaps will have to be reported and dealt with accordingly.
Strict, caring, strict. And of course he might weep and be sad of what he is doing. BUT DON'T GET SOFT BY THIS.
But of course the easieast thing is to leave him, for instance giving him three chances more and making this clear to him.

Yours
Rug

A few questions.

Is the business profitable?

Is there a buy/share agreement so if one of you choose to leave, you know what to expect?

Is there any reason why you have to continue to live with this person?

There is no "treading water" with these people. Especially if you are working together as well as living together. You absolutely have GOT TO get out of this situation. There are no other options. We don't condone "managing" an narcissist on this board - it's for people who want out - are willing to do what it takes to get out - and ready to start the healing process. There are people with children throughout this board healing while staying in as much no contact with their exN as possible.

We can help you.

If you are looking to manage living with someone who abuses you, I suggest Alanon as a good place to start. It's a wonderful organization for people who are looking at strengthening their detachment muscles.

Much love and luck to you. It's hard. But you can get out if you choose to. We can help.

Doing anythng differently is not going to change his behavior.

Is he physically abusive to you, or has he ever been? Has he ever hit you, slapped you, etc?

Stand up for yourself, you are worth it.

You cannot change him. He does not care about you if you are hurting and says those mean things to you.

If he did not come home until 6 am, then it sure sounds like he is with someone else.

He will continue to do these things if you let him. Abusers will only pick people who let them abuse them.

When we take no for an answer, when we dont put up with it for a minute, they will either leave or change, but most leave to find another victim.

Do not be a victim. Do not try to do stuff for him to get him to change - he likes that you are doing this and it gives him more power. He is using you.

Thank you guys for all the replies. We are just renting the condo we live in but he was pushing to buy a place to invest 'our'
money in. Thank goodness I didn't agree to it. I insisted that I be married before I purchased any type of property with anyone.
We own a mostly cash business and have accumulated a sizable amount of money. We used to live at his parents house so most
of the money that is cash is kept in a safe at his parents house. He always says that he wants to be rich so money is of great
importance to him. Maybe the most important. In the past few years, I have made attempts to move my half of the money to
a place of my choosing but he said that if I did, then I might as well leave for good. Later he apologized and said he was mad
when he said it but I was in shock. I couldn't even fathom it. I know that I have enabled him to take control in the beginning
because he treated me well and I trusted him completely. When I started to assert myself and my wants is when the troubles began.
slowly but surely. I know that I can't be with him anymore but I need a plan. I have a lot of possessions at his parents
house and if I take my money now I don't know what will happen. He might turn really nasty. I have been preparing, little by little,
my stuff at the condo while I'm healing from the shingles. I have been talking to my parents & sister and letting them know the whats
really going on. I have always tried to protect him in the past but I can't justify it anymore. My self-esteem is pretty much gone.
It's hard because I don't have any friends that are a constant in my life. I talk to a friend often but she lives all the way in L.A. I feel
kind of alone. I desperately want to know why I let this happen to me. I did have a childhood where my mom physically abused me
and my sister, and my parents relationship wasnt perfect. My boyfriend never physically hurt me but I almost wish he had because
I know I wouldn't have stayed around for that. I need to know the steps on how I can get to a good place and work to be confident
again. Is there anyone who has successfully completely recovered from this type of emotional abuse? Thank you guys for all your help.

Knowing what I know now, after living with an abusive husband (long divorced), start making plans now to get him out of your life. You won't know any peace until you do that. People like him do not change. I know it's a lot of trouble, especially since you own a business together, etc., but you can do it. Value yourself, and make boundaries.
I went through hell to get away from mine, but it has been SO worth it! I just wish I had back all the time that was wasted trying to change him, crying, and being miserable. Remember, the only thing you can really change is a baby's diaper, never another person.
By the way...the silent treatment was one of my ex's favorite "punishments" for me. What a jerk. Nobody has the right to treat you that way. I finally gave mine all the silence he wanted by kicking him out. Then of course he threw a gigantic fit because, and I quote,"I thought our marriage was WONDERFUL!" Yeah, whatever, dumba$$.

I hate to bring this up, but actual real money is rarely where and when an N says it will be, even if (especially if!) it's yours and not his. It tends to be replaced with assurances and IOUs and "What money?" statements with even greater rapidity when they sense you are on your way out. A true N was never in it for love. It's all about the power/control/domination, and money is power. An N will NEVER knowingly let you leave empowered. You speak very confidently of money that is supposed to be in a certain place, and I really really really hope you're right, but... read the other posts on this board. Money disappears with Ns, magically, mysteriously -- and is frequently the first concrete sign that Nsweetie is less than honest. My personal guesstimate (and I could be wrong on this; feel free to disagree) is that Ndiscovery based on money mishandling is second only to Ndiscovery based on evidence of cheating -- it's very common.

My suggestion to you is that you make an unscheduled visit to his parents' home when he is not there and doesn't have any idea you're coming, feign an emergency that requires the safe be opened there and then (like you desperately need legal docs that are in there -- your health insurance carrier is demanding a copy of your birth certificate, for instance, and you can't find it and you think N put it there and you need it RIGHT NOW) and simply take the money out when they open it, right there in front of them. Yes, it's a brash move, and don't be surprised if his parents try to stop you or even insist to you that the money is his or theirs! But if you can demonstrate legal ownership and don't think you'll get beaned in the head or shot in the process, take it. Now. If it's actually still there, that is.

If you just can't, or you try and it's not there, or especially if you try and are stopped, file a legal claim immediately. No honorable person, no one with conscience, keeps you from viewing and/or accessing your own money. If you can't see it and can't take it at will, you already have big problems; they won't go away with time. Don't waste your time with numerous pleas and threats, they don't work. Send a couple certified letters that you can later present in court, but don't get suckered into waiting or trusting with the obligatory N promises and IOUs, or jumping through this or that hoop thinking you'll get your cash back as promised... only to find another hoop awaits you. Believe me when I tell you: if it's not there now, it's never coming back. Go ahead and file your claim while you still have time. If you can prove criminal malfeasance (fraud) on his part, file a police report too. As soon as possible after you know it's gone. Don't wait. Filing a legal claim and/or a police report does not stop normal people (who really do intend to pay you back) from satisfying their debts. An N will tell you loudly and pitifully that it does, but it doesn't. Ns just don't like enforcement. :)

If it's less than $5000, depending on state law you can file in small claims court without an attorney, though it's good to have an attorney regardless. Establish your legal right to the cash in public record. A judgement may not be collectible, but it can hinder him in future scams. And -- God forbid -- if you ever have to file bankruptcy, a judgement against him now would preserve your rights. It's definitely worth the effort, IMO.

But given that he knows you are on your way out (I think he sensed the beginning of the end when you refused to buy property with him; you actually exercised independence from him and Ns can't stand that) it would be a good idea, even if you can't take it with you, to clap eyes on that money as soon as you have opportunity.

I'm really sorry. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like you're counting heavily on that cash being where he says it is. Better you know your risk today than the day you desperately need it and find it gone. I wish you the best of luck. Get free soon!!!

Dear Mercy, You hit the nail right on the head about the money thing! While I lived with my Pex, the children & I lived pitifully. While I was trying to figure out how to make hamburger helper with no hamburger, P was sitting on over $20,000 in saving in his own name, of course, unbeknownst to me until we were going through the divorce. This is very typical for N's & P's! Selfish through & through and till the bitter end.

Aquarius123 wrote:Dear Mercy, You hit the nail right on the head about the money thing! While I lived with my Pex, the children & I lived pitifully. While I was trying to figure out how to make hamburger helper with no hamburger, P was sitting on over $20,000 in saving in his own name, of course, unbeknownst to me until we were going through the divorce. This is very typical for N's & P's! Selfish through & through and till the bitter end.

Ugh, I know what you mean. Ketchup sandwiches, ramen noodles, all that. Uggh. I'm so sorry you all had to go through that.

Ns SUCK, don't they? Pfffft.