Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

Hi every body.
There is always something on my mind regarding N behavior and whys.
Now, for last couple of days I was thinking about "gift giving." I currently read about this a lot on board but I still have to ask.

For background, I have a job and I can afford things for myself. But my mother had taken over every thing not that long ago. She sew me things one after another after another. No, I am not talking when I was 5, it was short time ago. Then she saw me in VS pajamas. After that, she has bought me about 10 pajamas. Of course, on 95% off after Christmas sell. I told her I bought myself a nice towel. After that, she has bought me about 8 towels? I told her I bought a tea for $8 box and it's organic and I really really like it. Now, in my house, I do not have any empty container that does not contain tea. Okay, I think you got the idea.
So, is this some form of control? I keep telling her not to buy things for me and whatever she has bought I have given it to her and asked to take it back. Not short time ago, I just removed her name from my credit card. She used it for me, for herself and to buy gifts for other people on my account.
My mother told me one time the only way you can keep kids under control is if you bribe them.
I think what I accpect now is a sincere apology with a promise that she will respect my boundaries. Even if N people in my life figure that out to trick me into family circle, they will still not have my complete trust and love. Giving me things bought on my account or not, does not say "I am sorry, I hurt your feelings."
I have been away from my family for last 3 month or so, and I am feeling wonderful.
Just to not let my N-uncle out of circle, let me tell you, he always gives me a expensive jewelry. Somehow, I do not feel a love. If he sends me anything this year, it is going to make me very very upset. This is the ucnle who asked me to leave on New-Year Eve. You might remember my post. He is the bigest N on earth.

My mother keeps telling me every time I talk with her: "I bought you this, I bought that." I tell her I do no longer need things and guess what? She gets upset. Now how N is that?

Anyway, I just wanna be sure it is total form of control.

Love, PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Hi PL,

I quote from your post:

"My mother told me one time the only way you can keep kids under control is if you bribe them."

Wow -- that pretty much says it all. That's how they think! I absolutely think that gift giving is a form of control for the N. They are looking for N supply -- they give the gifts, they expect thank yous, attention, etc., and for us to put up with their BS. Maybe they have some clue that we can't stand them, and they think by giving us gifts it will smooth it over? I don't know.

Your quote above sounds like something my Nmom would say. These people are sicko.

--Serenity

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Hi PL,

My therapist told me once that my dad would give me things as a bribe. Sometimes it was so I would keep my mouth shut and other times because he needed something in return. As of today, I can not accept anything from anybody. I really do not feel worthy.

I can believe youre mom did this but I can not believe she used youre credit card for it. That really takes the cake..

justmee

SpiritShell · Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 377 Location: Canada

Hi PL,

Seems like gift giving can be a number of things with Ns. Control, guilt, "you owe me", "you must thank me" -- and its an attention seeking device, "I am such a loving and giving mother.. look what I do for you!". In a way it almost even sounds like, since she's giving you way more then you're giving yourself.. "anything you can do I can do better!" Argghh! You handle it very well though.

My mother would spoil me as a kid, or help me out as I got older, and then hang it over my head. If I tried to talk about a problem it was, "but I've done this and this and given you that and that!!" I've realised spoiling is not an act of too much love -- its an act of N self-love, and its a cage. She wanted my utter dependancy. And then she would make me feel guilty for it... as though it was my fault. As a result I have utter trouble taking compliments or help because I feel I don't deserve it and afraid of it being used against me. Sorry tangent... I remembered when I was in my assertiveness group and everyone started complimenting me calling me strong... and I went into uncontrolable tears, at the time not knowing why.

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Spirit -- I can relate to a lot of what you said. Especially the way the N uses the gifts to induce guilt and the "you owe me."

They also use gifts to deflect any criticism of themselves. I can hear my Nmother say, "How dare you speak that way to me after all I've done for you."

Imagine it said with the most arrogant, nasty tone.

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

all the gifts are part of the manipulation.

here, you are good, here is a gift: now I can control you in someway. what? you say? you arent going to do what I want you to do with it? you arent going to get on your knees and thank me for the rest of your life? dont you know how I have sacrificed this and that for you? All I want is a little thank you. Oh, and about a million other things to dote on me or deny yourself. Oh, you say you dont want my gifts? Well they are given with love. So appreciate me dammit! Dont you know I am the queen? Dont you know I am the savior? Man, I am almost God himself!!! And then I will twist it all just a little so you know who is boss, especially if you get a little uppity or confident or self assured. We have to keep you in your place now, dont we? remember, you are the puppet and I am the master. What? You say to stick my loving gifts (usually money--more chances for disapproval cuz I didnt pick out anything-YOU did)? Well, see what an ungrateful bad person you are! I am only thinking of you..........and then the next holiday it repeats itself, until its all a little train of the absurd going by, like in Mr Rogers neighborhood or something.

Something no one who has not been manipulated and twisted by these people will never really understand. To be used, spat on, and stomped on in disguise.
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

oh and your kids did or didnt do the same when they got my gifts so they are a piece of crap too! and its your fault because you are a bad mother!

(projection #225)

no wonder I would watch the wizard of oz over and over. That wicked witch, the guy behind the curtain, the lion, tin man, scarecrow, the fairy godmother, the dark forest of trees---my God, that story was written for someone with an Nparent or Nsibling! Who wrote that anyway, I am going to look up more about their life...........
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

Pretty_Lady · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 554

Thank you seekingserenity, justmee, SpiritShell and oaktree.
You understand every thing I write word by word. And oaktree, you typed every thing I have felt under N-Mom kingdom. That's her complete attitude with "How dare you after I raised you to my own hight!"
I forever own her. Sometimes I feel that if I sell my house and give them (mom and brother)the profit maybe then I will have paid my dues.
Thank you guys so much for replying.
I'll be back on line this weekend to post and reply. Till then.
Love, PL
_________________
The way out is through the door you came in.
R.D. Laing

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

pretty lady--why do you feel like you have to give them any profit? You dont owe them one dime!! they owe YOU, and besides, you may need the profits for medical and psych bills to help you deal with what they did to you. dont give them one penny, okay?
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

SpiritShell · Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 377 Location: Canada

amybrad1971 · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 114

I dunno if my mom was N, she has traits for sure. As a kid she would buy us all kinds of stuff...on the outside looking in you would call us SPOILED kids...however if you looked closely at our shelves you would find many of our toys were glued down...and many of the stuffed animals we were not allowed to touch...they were so high upon the shelf we could not reach them..but the untrained eye would look into our bedrooms and not even think twice about such things...they would see a room filled with toys and stuffed animals..( I have stuffed animals to this day from my childhood that look brand new..oldest one from 1974 on the tag)

She went on to buy my children such lavish toys and gifts but they were never allowed to leave her home...and again put high upon a shelf. (she looked like such a good granny)

Anything she bought for me as an adult...was marked down on a piece of paper...and one day she handed me the paper and a whole bunch of receipts..and I was told I owed her a grand total of 3,600 and some dollars for all of the things she purchased for me over the years...(I thought they were gifts) I paid her back..*insert crazy loony smiley here*

She even made me pay back for a set of pots and pans she bought me for a house warming party...She told me she was much much too poor being on a fixed income to be able to pay for such things and because I was working and because I was an adult I should of been able to purchase these things for myself...but because I was not responsible for myself at the time she felt she needed to step up to the plate and buy these things for me...and I needed to pay her back...she twisted things so badly that I believed her...and I did...

So Yeah I guess its control...LMAO

*smacks self in the head* I was young...stupid..and under her thumb...what can I say...LOL

Amy
_________________
Alice:“What if I take the red AND blue pill? I'll be normal sized? Rabbit:“But then you can’t play the game Alice.”

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

Don't know if this is the correct place to post, NM left message about my daughter's bd, what to shop for? What do I do? Ignore, of course, but I don't want her to go ahead and send more cheap presents. Maybe I should change my number, I've had it for years and it's so hard to change on the forms, etc... anyone have thoughts? my stomach has hurt all day Sad

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Hi WLW,

I would ignore. I understand the stomach ache. Just the sound of the voice on the machine can makes one absolutely gag.

She's looking for attention; NS. This is the tactic my Nmom always uses. Gets into this inane, insane, ass-a-holic conversation about what does my kid want for her birthday.

My husband's parents are not N. (Alcoholic, but not N.) When my kids' birthdays come around, they just get a gift and send it. Or a gift card. They don't ask what the kid wants. They aren't looking for attention. And it doesn't bother them whether or not they get a thank you card. They just want to acknowledge my kids' -- their grandchildren's -- birthdays.

Don't respond to the call. She'll probably call again and again, until she learns to go elsewhere for NS. I wrote my Nmother's phone numbers on a small paper and taped it to the phone. It says, "Don't answer these numbers ..." That way, my kids (hopefully) won't answer either.

Hugs,
Serenity

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

I agree WLW....I would not call back either..

Hope you had a good day,
justmee

oaktree · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 362 Location: Minnesota

seeking serenity, you wrote: