Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Thay, Serenity

My first major lesson in perfectionism, was when I was with the first P, gosh about 20 years ago.........

Back then I was extremely niaive, and believed that if I was perfect, it would make me a good person, and a person that everyone liked, including my Ndad.

I worked so hard at it, and tried everything possible, if the P said, you need to do this, I would do it, and tried to be everything he, my mum my dad, wanted me to be, the end result, it exhausted me, drained me, and taught me, that it didnt matter how perfect I tried to be, it didnt make any difference whatsoever, infact, all it did, was make me ill.

It also taught me that there is no such thing as perfectionism.

Its probably also taken me this long to unlearn it.........x

Reading all the messages in this post have helped me alot. We all need to remember how far we have come and how exciting the journey ahead can be. Even with very painful pasts and the present for some. Cassi I am going to print of your words of wisdom and I know this will help me alot. Every thing you wrote is what I have been trying to acheive for the past 6 years. I have come along way but still have a way to go. I find healing has to include goals, and a trust in your self that you will get there. Some times I lose site of my goals, and I just seem to stand still and then old habits slowly creep back in. Thank you as you just helped me get back on the right track.
Best of luck with the drinking You can do it.
Take care all
Michelle

Hi Michelle

You are so very welcome, am really happy that my words can help someone, like they helped me.

Some times I lose site of my goals, and I just seem to stand still and then old habits slowly creep back in.

You are definately not alone there, its this that I have been aware of for the past year, and am working hard, to overcome this thing inside me that does that...........its very hard, and I know I will overcome it, havent come this far to give up now LOL, if I find the secret ingredient to overcome this, you will all be the first to know, and I hope you will share it if you find it first.

((hugs to you all))

xx

Cassdogg:

Thay, Serenity

My first major lesson in perfectionism, was when I was with the first P, gosh about 20 years ago.........

Back then I was extremely niaive, and believed that if I was perfect, it would make me a good person, and a person that everyone liked, including my Ndad.

I worked so hard at it, and tried everything possible, if the P said, you need to do this, I would do it, and tried to be everything he, my mum my dad, wanted me to be, the end result, it exhausted me, drained me, and taught me, that it didnt matter how perfect I tried to be, it didnt make any difference whatsoever, infact, all it did, was make me ill.

It also taught me that there is no such thing as perfectionism.

Its probably also taken me this long to unlearn it.........x

Why is it that life's lessons are always learned the hard way? At least you won't forget them that way I suppose!

I'm so glad you posted this. It helps me relax a little because I have a similar hangup only I'm not so much trying to please people, I tend to need to impress people. I think this may be tied into the fact that this was all that mattered to my NF.

Actually I'm a bit of both. I'm a people pleaser for my mother and a people impresser (even though this is not a word) for my father. But I'm slowly beginning to learn a better way thank goodness and beginning to swallow my pride a little bit and learning that it is OK to show some weakness. And it is OK to speak my mind and if I say the wrong thing then that is OK too.

Bollocks to perfectionism, so much work!! I know how it is, I know how tiring it is trying to keep everybody appeased all the time. What a travesty that we've learned this awful way of life, but how thankful for the lessons learned too. Even though I hated it, it keeps me humble and I'm grateful for that.

Michelle: I would like to repeat what I said in an earlier post: "half the battle is having the vision; half the battle is holding the vision." I believe in this so strongly because it is the one thing I've refused to let go of, despite all the setbacks, despite all the kicks to the balls, despite all the rejection, despite all the blood, sweat and tears, despite the pain.

Cassi:

"Some times I lose site of my goals, and I just seem to stand still and then old habits slowly creep back in."


You are definately not alone there, its this that I have been aware of for the past year, and am working hard, to overcome this thing inside me that does that...........its very hard, and I know I will overcome it, havent come this far to give up now LOL, if I find the secret ingredient to overcome this, you will all be the first to know, and I hope you will share it if you find it first.

AMEN! you are definitely not alone there! Nothing quite like a bad habit. For me it has come down to thought-processes, this is the point I've reached. But I'm keeping a diary now and identifying some of these dysfunctional thought-processes. I recycle a lot of thoughts, I dwell a lot on meaningless events, I analyse meaningless events too much, I have some OCD habits lol -- compulsion to redo better what is already OK, I mind-read a lot.

But I know exactly how you feel Cassi: I DID NOT come this far to not make it!! I did not claw my way out of the abyss to just throw that away. Hell no this is a story about success, not failure.

I think if there is a secret ingredient it is observation of the mind. Identifying these unhealthy and invalid thought-processes on the way to transcending them. But man it is a minefield in there, so many triggers!

Hi Thayilfies

Identifying these unhealthy and invalid thought-processes on the way to transcending them. But man it is a minefield in there, so many triggers!

I can so relate to this. So many issues and triggers. I would not like to look in side my head on a bad day lol
Sorry I missed your original quote

half the battle is having the vision; half the battle is holding the vision."

Thayilfies you have come along way,
My problem seems to be when I go through a bad patch I seem to not be able to even see the vision. My patches of good living seem to be longer and the patches of confusion are shorter over the last few years. But every time I end up going through a bad patch it is like I have learnt nothing and are right back at the start. Is it the same for you or have you managed to keep your head a little clearer than me through the bad times. When the shitty patch passes what I have learned allows me to put it back together quickly.
Take care Michelle

Michelle:

I can so relate to this. So many issues and triggers. I would not like to look in side my head on a bad day lol

I suppose once you begin to isolate them you can slowly put things in some order. But I've found with me that alcohol really compounds my problems, I feel a hell of a lot clearer even being off the drink for one week. For me that and NC seem to be the magical ingredients in terms of not compounding my problems, adding to the confusion. I've also spent quite a lot of time meditating, I'm a fan of that approach, fine-tuning the erratic mind.

Thayilfies you have come along way,
My problem seems to be when I go through a bad patch I seem to not be able to even see the vision. My patches of good living seem to be longer and the patches of confusion are shorter over the last few years. But every time I end up going through a bad patch it is like I have learnt nothing and are right back at the start. Is it the same for you or have you managed to keep your head a little clearer than me through the bad times. When the shitty patch passes what I have learned allows me to put it back together quickly.

Come a long way? -- tell me about it, you have no idea how ashamed I am but surround yourself with unruly people it will happen. I had great difficulty not partaking in the choas that surrounded me. So much pressure to act, behave in certain ways, so used to being "me"...

For me it has been a process of disentanglement. There have been plenty of ups and downs along the path of recovery but once you get on that path I think the fight becomes doable and progress inevitable. But I often feel like I've gone nowhere and then in a moment of clarity I realise "now I'm here and I was way back there before." If I'm having a bad moment or period, it is like being back at square one, like all the work was in vain. On a good day it was all worth it. Yes the same thing happens to me. But the same thing is happening to me -- I've found as a trend, the better patches are getting longer, there are less black days now but when they come they are still black days, just like the old days.

But I think the main difference is today I'm full of optimism, not just about myself but people in general and I'm not so perturbed by setbacks.

Thay
I can tell by your insightful writing that you have come alot further than you think. I have read all the posts on perfection and I think we are all to hard on our selfs. We want to heal therefore prob wont stop untill we have a calm wise mind, We will all die trying. lol. Even the monks who meditate daily have to work on that state of being.
We can all be so proud of our selfs for looking on the inside and improving what we can identify as needing work. We are on the right track. Good on you for knowing what clouds your mind, Good luck with over coming this but even if you dont for some time to come you are trying and I personally take my hat of to you. There are so many people out there that just blame everyone else for everything that goes wrong in their lives, you are a million miles head of all of them.
I hate my N M she did so much damage to me, her bed time story to me most nights as a kid was "One morning you are not going to wake up because I am going to strangle you in your sleep, I just can't stand the sight of you anymore" This statment alone did so much damage and she did try once but thats another story. I blamed her for everything that went wrong as a teenager and just got more and more mixed up.
I never now blame any one for anything that happens in my life I always see what I could have done differenly but I also dont take on anything that was not my fault any more either. The toxic people around us have to own their own shit and even if they admit to it I wont own it.
Good luck to you, keep up the good work and I think meditation is a great way of stilling the mind as well, I try when ever I can

Thay
I can tell by your insightful writing that you have come alot further than you think.

It is usually the way, it is only in hindsight that you can see it.

I have read all the posts on perfection and I think we are all to hard on our selfs. We want to heal therefore prob wont stop untill we have a calm wise mind, We will all die trying. lol. Even the monks who meditate daily have to work on that state of being.

For quite a while now all I see as the purpose of my life is to create peace of mind. To be honest it is all I care about. I mean I do things and I want the best for people but only in order to create peace of mind for myself, I have no other desire. I feel like I've reached the conclusion that Buddha reached all those centuries ago: that life is indeed suffering, it is a total pain in the a** lol! But kind of amusing at the same time. And of course, there are many reasons to live but it is a bit of a hassle, bit of an inconvenience imo.

I hate my N M she did so much damage to me, her bed time story to me most nights as a kid was "One morning you are not going to wake up because I am going to strangle you in your sleep, I just can't stand the sight of you anymore"

What an awful thing to say to a child. You have every reason to hate your NM, to be angry at injustice.

I never now blame any one for anything that happens in my life I always see what I could have done differenly but I also dont take on anything that was not my fault any more either

I've learned to concentrate on the one variable that I can -- myself, my own actions, my own thoughts. It is the one variable that I can control.