Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Sammo27 · Joined: 22 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

Hi there,
I am new to this. So here goes this is some of the background of my story, there is so much to say, so I shall try to narrow it down the best as I can, I apologise now if it is too long.

I was adopted when I was 10 and now I'm 27, my parents adopted again, my adoptive sister is 21 but she is very young for her age, who, I still believe needs our parents full attention and support as she still has problems of her own. I live in a place of my own with my husband and last July we had a baby boy. Things were building up for a while with my mother and I think when mum n dad decided to take on another child who happens to be my half sister, it was the last straw. I have a very complicated family as I have siblings all over the place with different sets of adopted parents as well as ones still with one of the natural parents.

I have had along think about things that has happened since I was adopted and a couple of years ago I actually said to my husband, I think there is something wrong with mum. To this day I don’t know why I said that, but I was watching n listening to her and something was telling me something isn’t right. For me I have noticed a change but I thought I was just being silly and imagining things and it was just the fact she is getting older, she is 64 years of age, but after recent events I have started to wonder even more.

I have always felt that mum has had to be between myself and someone else, it’s like she pockets people and tries to keep them separate. I have notice a pattern with anyone I get close to, mum has to put me down in front of them and come between me and them. In one case she went behind my back to my husband (boyfriend at the time) to try and discuss with him about my past, which of course I was told about it and I confronted her and she said he’s lying, which I know he wasn’t.

I have always felt that mum has never really excepted my relationship with my husband and felt she was trying to break us up by putting him off by trying to tell him about my past and hoping we would break up whilst I was working away, at other times I have felt that she has tried to get my husband on her side, trying to gang up on me. Also sometimes it feels she would go behind my back to him one thing was to try and put him off me, I believe - and the other way is I feel she was thinking he’s on side with her, it was little things that got me, it felt like there were more people in our relationship.

If I disagree with mum over anything she blames my husband or his family and in the past it has been various other people. It does really annoy me as I feel she doesn’t seem to think I have a mind of my own and make my own decisions, it’s like in some ways she won’t accept that I have grown up as I feel her and dad treat me as if I’m a child. She always feels she has to do things for you to the extent she has to take over and feel needed. Also it feels like she always have to have something over you, so that you need her, for example at Christmas, instead of saying to people that we have fallen out, she has accepted presents off people and even asked for them and says that she would drop them at my husband’s work but she didn’t, instead she left a message on the phone that wasn’t very nice in tone, for me to go around hers to collect them, she has a thing about backing down, she always expects myself and others to go to her first so it means she still has power as she won’t come to you first.

I have noticed that mum never likes to be criticised, as I felt its hard at times to talk to her and if I wasn’t happy she would say you can always talk to me, but if I mentioned that I had a problem with her, she wouldn’t like it and doesn’t hang around long when I bring it up, also she would jump at you saying your always me, me, me if you don’t agree with something that she does, she always has something to throw back at you, she goes quiet on you or demand to change the subject, it feels like they don’t take me seriously. Mum will never accept that she makes mistakes, I also find that she can’t show emotion very well such as hugging you if your upset but will show anger and can be what I call haunty.

Mum did say she finds it really hard to share as before I came here she gave me her camera to borrow to take photos of my friends at school before I left, she said her husband (my dad) almost fainted because she handed over her camera.

Mum I find is very manipulative, likes to be in control, she belittles me, she lies as I have caught her out many times now, which is rich coming from her, as she told me n my adopted sister that she cannot stand people who lie, it was a big thing for her. Sometimes I felt both mum n dad would make fun of me especially in front of someone or thought it would be fun to hide certain things from me thinking it would be funny, It’s like it something you would do with children in some way.
I find she tells you things which sound very convincing, she says one thing and then later on she twists it and makes you believe that you got it wrong because she’s so self assured with what she says even if it contradicts earlier statements. With the lie’s she would lie about something and then if you confronted her about it or question her about it she would make more lie’s to try and get herself out of it.
She has lied to social services, myself, my half sisters parents, my adoptive sister even to her own husband, who was very surprised that I wasn’t told about my half sister living with them, I don’t believe he is getting told the truth and the full story, he won’t listen to me or believe me.

The 2 younger half siblings were also adopted and they have had a lot of problems and I think the one who has gone to my parents needs serious help and I believe should have gone somewhere more neutral as I believe she would most probably would be back home by now, if sorted out properly. It is a very long story but this particular sibling was seeking for attention and causing a lot of heartache at home. It’s no secret that she has always wanted to live with my parents I think to be nearer me. Also it has been no secret that mum has always wanted her, although she won’t admit it. Mum was pushing to have my sister as she kept ringing social services to say they will have her. I feel it was put into my sister’s head by mum to get her here, I felt mum was pushing for this. Now I am really amazed to the extent mum would go to get what she wants.

They certainly haven’t thought of my half sister as now they have ruined her relationship with myself and family, my half sister’s sister who we almost lost into foster care and surprisingly they wouldn’t have her too because they don’t like the child and thinks it’s all her fault and not my half sister, mum won’t accept that my half sister has done some bad things, she keeps defending her, basically thinks she’s the victim. I believe mum has taught my half sister that the way she has behaved is the right way as I believe mum has encouraged it, I know mum doesn’t like my half sister’s sister and adopted mum. I think it’s very wrong because it’s not teaching the child what’s right and I am concerned for her as I feel mum is trying to replace me with her as we were close once, and now I have had to stand my ground for example she had it in her head she was taking me to the hospital when I have my baby and was telling people and I have said and kept saying my husband will be taking me, she didn’t like it. I think she has got worse since I had a baby, that’s why I feel she had my half sister. When I had the baby she began to undermine my husband and telling me what to do. She’s admitted telling my neighbour not to visit.

The timing of this is suss as mum n dad mainly mum I believe, was trying to get my sister around the time I had my baby, the way it was done wasn’t right. It was as if it was being done behind my back, as really I had nothing to do with this I was just concentrating having my baby, I was being lied to about it and the stories were being twisted. When I realised what was happening I wrote a letter to the social services stating why I think it’s not a good idea for my sister to come here, which mum knew I sent this letter and made out I had post natal depression to people, seems convenient, I didn’t have this. I didn’t receive a reply from the social worker and when my adopted sister rang me in tears saying they don’t notice her anymore and she was having counselling at the time, she moved out because my half sister upset her whilst my parents were away and my half sister stayed with their friends of course my half sister was believed over my adopted sister, so she had no choice but to move out. She is struggling and finding it hard as she has moved from place to place. She was working in town but mum went into her work asked to speak with her and just had ago at her, in the end I had another phone call whilst my sister was in the staff room in tears whilst mum was being asked to leave the shop. Of course mum later denied that she was asked to leave, she even lied to my adoptive sister about it, which is bizarre as she was there.

What has been really strange is before Christmas mum helps out on Thursday’s with a toddler group which finishes 11.30 but she made sure she timed it every Thursday lunch time at 1.00pm as my husband starts back at work for lunch she would walk pass him making a point of saying hello n eventually she wouldn’t say nothing just stared at him. We didn’t really think anything of it until it was repeatedly done over a period of time up until the last Thursday before Christmas.

My adopted sister had noticed as well as us, that mum plays us against each. My adoptive sister has noticed other things too like I have and thinks there’s something not right.

Unfortunately in the result of this the family has been torn apart, I haven't been in contact with my parents for 7 months now and my sister moved out of home 7 months ago not really by choice.

When I thought about this, I felt this is just not normal and I can’t believe what they have done, my gut feeling was telling me something really is not right and wondered about the personality disorder. When I read lots of information on narcissism personality disorder, I was amazed on some of the things that were said, which I felt it was about her. I printed off stacks of pages on the subject and I put a line under the bits that related to mum and it was right on target. Of course I would like a second opinion and wonder what you thought, but I am pretty sure this is what she has.

I do feel very much alone with this as I haven’t told anyone other than my husband, I’m a bit wary of telling any relatives just in case they don’t believe me or if it got back to mum, she would throw it in my face and spread more lies around about us, I can’t even mention it to dad because he’s been sucked in. I know she won’t like it and she won’t accept she has a problem. It makes it really hard because although I am staying away from them, I still care and would want her to get help but I know there is nothing I could do, I also thought if the family were aware of the possibility of the disorder that they are aware too, just in case it gets worse. At the moment it does feel like it’s our fault even though we know it isn’t because some people the family knows have felt a bit awkward around us and one in particular we think is funny with my husband, so I bet mum has said it’s his fault that I’m not speaking to them. I feel they have been very selfish especially to their new born Grandson.

I’m really sorry this is very long, there is a lot more to this but I feel this is way long enough! I hope someone can help me, please.

Thank you for your time and help.

samvaknin · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2029

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Sam