Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

Nolonger....THANKS....I thought I was doing SO good, I thought I had almost put this behind me....and here it is worse than ever! I have NO idea what to do!! None...I mean my head is spinning, no matter what I come up with, there is a way for him to ruin it or still come after me. What is the FIRST baby step? I don't even know what that is... Is it better for me to move out of town? Even just an hour or two away? Or do I go back to my home, that I can live there free of bills? Or do I stay here until I find the "perfect" answer? I have never in my life been so confused. Thank you for listening...I admire how far you have came SO much!

Nolongerhisvictim · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1435

Betterdays,
I have to ask you some questions first...if you don't want to answer them on board you can pm me.

Does he have daily contact with you (I couldn't remember if I read that or not). You may want to evaluate if moving would be better for you or not....consider your employment situation, your support system, etc.

Have you put in place NC? This means no emails, no phone calls, no conversations of any type....absolutely NC!! If not, that would be the first thing I would do. You will never heal emotionally or mentally from him as long as you maintain any contact. The ONLY reason I have come this far is because I have had zero contact since 14 months ago....have not seen,talked to, or emailed, written letters, nothing! Change your email address or block him. Accept no phone calls...change phone numbers (home and cell). If he stalks you or continues to "harass" you when you put NC in place, then I would look into a restraining order.

The next thing you need to do is something for you...I am not sure if you had this problem, but after being "P'd" on I had difficulty going out in public. So I started to go out with friends once a month, then twice a month, etc...just to build up to going out again. It was very hard, but I did it.

If you give me specifics of what you are struggling with (not anymore than what you are comfortable with) and I may be able to be more specific with my answers. Feel free to pm me if you want to be more private.

I'm here for ya!
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NLHV

am · Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 126

These days I only have time to skim postings; however, the word "prisoner" touched me .

Here's my 2 cents on those who have loved them.....I used to be a humanitarian, believing the best of all. My P had me feeling sorry for him, as though he were the victim, on commiting an armed robbery. Man, they are the masters of manipulation! As for those of us who fall for them, we are good-hearted. We see goodness in them even when the whole world can't!

Boy, has that warped thinking changed. Most of them are locked up for a very good reason. As for us, there are much better causes.....pet adoption, illiterate........

It is sad that P changed my thinking on this. HOwever, I know I am NOT alone. NLHV is my friend, who has been in a similar situation and grown. I trust that she has great advice.

I don't have time to elaborate now but will do so this weekend.

Hugs,
Am

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

nolonger...THANKS...you have a PM...

am...THANKS...you hit the nail on the head....I used to believe the best in everyone....Sadly, I don't anymore either. I'm so angry that part of my optimistic/naive outlook is now gone because of him! I look forward to hearing more from you this weekend.

stillsmilen · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 363

Betterdays my heart goes out to you. I think if you move (not necessarily out of town) this will help you out tremendously, it's step 1 in getting your life back!! Can you sell the house you own??

Cookie is right, join us on the silly threads.
We all know your pain (some exactly, some didn't have it as rough, but we now know P's, so we can relate)
And we're definitely here for you!!

Cool

stillsmilen
_________________
I made him very sorry that he chose me as a victim!!!
He may have knocked me down, but I got right back up... And kicked his a**!!
(metaphorically speaking ofcourse, but if he hadn't gotten the PPO, I probably would have done it literally too!!)

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

Thanks, still...The house I live in right now, I rent. The house I own, is in a different town, so would actually be better to live in. Aside from the fact, everyone in that town knows him, although 95% hate him, which is good. I just worry about his dad trying to contact my son in the future. However, I guess if I move there, I guess I don't have to stay there forever.

Thanks so much. I need to check out the silly thread... Smile

Matilda · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 1841

OOoh better,
yep no contact, and no contact with the dad or anyone connected with him either. Does he know where the house you own is?

Another option, try a google search under "housesitters.com" or "caretakers.org" - quite often you can sign up and found a house to care for (where you can live) in another state, or even o/seas which gives you time to get your head together.

I think it's a great idea to go back to school. Sometimes they have child care centres on college grounds etc so that might be worth checking out. I think school would give you something to focus on and help you enormously re self esteem.

lots of love to you as you work your way through this hard time.
Matilda
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"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

Thanks, Matilda...

They do know where the house is. Sad

Thanks for the other info though. I just keep sitting here day after day waiting for something to happen. I guess I need to get up and make it happen.

I am NC all the way. I like it, it's much better that way emotionally. It just doesn't stop the fear. I just wish I had some date or something of when they would leave my son and me alone! I know that's not realistic, but it sure would be nice.

Echo · Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 6:08 pm Post subject:

Hi Better - Im so very sorry, this is awful for you. Ive had the letters from prison too - and I know that they can bring it all back, make us remember all the abuse, and feel so dirty and tainted.

If you can - bin those letters when they arrive, or contact the prison to have them stopped. At least that will stop the sleazy feelings that wash over us when we read those letters.

I can well remember opening them, expecting to see a changed person - I never did, all I did was look at these insincere words, and then all the bad stuff would wash over me again - its awful. If you can find the strength to not look Im sure that would be a tiny help - and I do realise that theres a draw to read them. It will be hard to ignore them, but it will help if you do, it will also send him a message.

I know this is all so very difficult, my heart goes out to you. The guys have given great advice above, and I really agree with it, for yours and your babies safety. We are here for you. Echo.

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

Thanks, Echo...You're exactly right, I need to just NOT read the letters! Plain and simple! As for having them stopped, the prosecution has asked me not to do this, as he continues to apologize for the things he has done (this way it makes it harder for him to say he didn't do anything, etc.). I have a drawer full of opened ones, now I just need to have enough strength to put UNopened ones in that very same drawer and the prosecutor can open them when ready. It is a DISGUSTING feeling....

stellarwnd · Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 104 Location: California

Much like your letters, I had to put away my wedding photos. Out of site, out of mind.

Stellar

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

Thanks, stellar....did you keep them, just put them away? I have thought about saving all of "that kind of stuff" for my son. As for his clothes, tools, vehicle, etc. I have got rid of or am in the process of. I remember his first few days gone, I couldn't even put his dishes in the dishwasher. It was NUTS!

stellarwnd · Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 104 Location: California

Better --

I did keep them. My parents were the ones that said that I would never get better with all those photos of him up on the walls. It's terrible because I still love him or still love the idea of the family that I once thought that we had.

Now, I sort of feel like getting rid of everything.....all the old furniture, photos, bedding, cups, kitchen appliances, etc. I would rather give him everything in our divorce and have nothing so that I have no reminders.......I know that this sounds extreme.....it's just how I feel right now........i guess i am not doing so well right now.

Look at me.....a year later and still sick over all of this. I don't see myself able to move on from this...........I just don't see it as probable........

Stellar

betterdaysn2007 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 47

Stellar...((HUGS)) I too love the idea of the family I thought we once I had, but the thought of him makes me want to PUKE! I did get rid of all bedding, pillows, etc. Sex was pretty much all we had in the end and I want NO reminders of it. I desperately want new furniture, appliances, etc. I just haven't mustered up the strength or the organization to call all of this in to the paper to sell it. I think to someone who has never been in this situation it MAY sound extreme, but I am SOOOO right there with you, it doesn't sound extreme at all. For me, it will be 6 months tomorrow.

I want closure....divorce, his criminal proceedings, his sentencing, a decision on where to live....I hate feeling constant chaos.... I wish he would VANISH! He is a disgusting individual who made my life a brutal, living nightmare day in and day out. Now I am disgusted at the thought of all of the people I begged to like him and instructed his every step on exactly what to say, who now believe that is the real him or that he is capable of being that person and expect me to live in the constant and severe abuse. And I know everyone always says to wait to find someone new, etc. and I am not out looking in any way shape or form, but I DO still want a FAMILY, the life I thought we had.

Matilda · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 1841

Hey stellar,
just a thought, if you google to find "freecycle" on yahoo groups in your town or area, you can - if you choose- give away stuff to people who will use them. You can also replace things this way by taking other stuff on offer. (it's all free, and is done with the aim to prevent things from ending up as landfill).

Matilda
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"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright