Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

bluebone03 · Joined: 28 Jul 2007 Posts: 68 Location: Oz

I feel hate and anger at what this person did to me. I feel hate at what these people do to others. I am not stupid and do not do stupid things. BUT I AM ANGRY!!!!

I have always been of the mind that if you treat a person well - they will at least let you be with dignity. They will at least be kind as one human to another - even if they let you go.....

If I feel compassion or love or sympathy I am lost. I cannot allow myself to feel these things else I break-down. I must feel anger. I dont want anger. Its no good for my soul. I try to surround myself with good things, good thoughts...wholesome things. BUT I AM ANGRY!!!

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

It makes me angry to, and like you, treat others like I would like to be treated but its like, there on mars were on Venus they dont play by the rules In fact they have no rules just mind games.
Ive written all my anger down on paper and said goodbye to it all, I wont allow this man anymore of my time hes wasted enough of my life hes not going to claim anymore
The writing of my story here helped a lot
I dont feel hate I just feel indifference now
I have also come to terms with the fact it wasnt my fault and everything in life that happens is not always my fault
Thats how insecure they make you feel I have an old saying corny but its true when your hearts full of hate theres no room for love so I let go of my hate Ill never forget but at least it helps to move on
But Like you I couldnt for a long time, My anger at him for loosing my home The loss of my child, violence etc etc
I cant explain it but with me there came a time when I felt, right I need closure but I didnt want to contact him to get it so I worked on myself writing it down saying you did ----- to me how it hurt me and goodbye
I cant explain why it liberated me but it did were all different I know
but if it helps thats how I got through it
I hope it helps you
Why waste even an emotion on him such as anger thats giving him too much back

Hugs
Movedon
xxxxxxx

bluebone03 · Joined: 28 Jul 2007 Posts: 68 Location: Oz

movedon. I'm a male. its a woman that did this. i'm 34 and i've never come across this kind of thing before ever.....not ever. i think with this there are more males that have this disorder. i was just unlucky. she played me....my God you shoulda heard some of the stuff that came outa her mouth - but i'm sure u had ur fair share too. it was like living in another reality - where everything is upside down. not angry atm. but i'm sure i will be again.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi sorry for the wrong gender, but women are as bad if not worse
The info is the same why allow her anymore of your emotions youve given her enough when I said its like there from mars were from venus
I meant its like they are on another planet to the kindness and love we all seek They play about with your head, mind games
I know Im not a Man telling you this but believe me the mental stress is the same The same feelings of Why did I let this person do this to me im intelligent why didnt I see it coming A lot of blame
Its not you its them and because your such a kind undertsanding person
they'll play you
I wasted so much time trying to figure out why Life was going on around me and I felt there was the normal world then there was my world
weird I know and so unrealastic
Im so sorry this woman put you through this at a time in your life when you should be enjoying it
They rob you of trust self worth dignity pride belief in yourself etc etc
and yes it does make you angry but if you can learn to deal with the anger and channel it into good
I can tell you of all the things I endured (and there was a lot of violence)
It was the vile things that came out of his mouth that hurt the most
all aimed to dimish you into someone who is controlled but the scary part is by them
I know your a different gender but the infos the same and women who do these things to men make me just as angry
I dont know you but you come across as kind hearted thoughtful person
I want you to get through this, and put her in your past where she belongs
I hope you heal and lose the anger your soul will be so much easier
sending you ((((((((hugs))))))
Because we all need them

Movedon
xxxxxxxxx

cyndi222 · Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 6

I also went through that anger stage.

Peronally I think it a healthy stage to go through, as long as you don't stay there. Hanging on to all that anger and bitterness is tiresome.
it does nothing to help you move on.
I think we have everyright to be angry for awhile, just don't let it overwhelm you!

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

I agree Cyndi222 we all go through that stage and need to to heal I also agree not to let it encompass you

hugs
Movedon
xxxxxx

bluebone03 · Joined: 28 Jul 2007 Posts: 68 Location: Oz

thankyou so much for your replies. i had a bad night last night. i allowed myself to remember a couple things...namely the content in a profile that i found out about on a dating site (i did some investigating when suspiciuos) and emails of hers that i found.

i was devastated when i came across these things. i felt devastated all over again last night. it destroys my motivation to think of these things. i feel worthless, i was nothing to this person. you know, before i even began reading and learning - i felt that i was just a "thing" to be used as she saw fit.

i haven't suffered as bad as the women here. emotionally, i have suffered, but i wasn't gonna give of myself the things that she wanted - ie: move in, a baby, a "life together" (all the things i want) - how could i??? when i knew she was up to these things behind my back???

you shoulda heard the things that came outa her mouth. it was like living in the "twilight zone" she thought it was her "right" that she could f**k around and still have all the good things that I have to offer. I guess the infedelity hurt me the most.

thanks for the "hugs" I just want these memories gone. I wish everyone here "Godspeed" in their personal journey.

"If you are going through hell....keep going" W.Churchill.

movedon · Site Admin Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 814

Hi Bluebone, sorry you had a bad night, I dont think anyone can measure hurt between one or the other hurt and emotional scars effect us all
individually nothing lessens the pain each individual feels it, and each person only, knows how deep it goes.
Its the hurt the indignation that someone could treat you this way when you've been good to them, and the why! question keeps revolving round and round in your head.
I agree with how could you >your life would be a nightmare with a child (another tool to use against you)
Trust is the foundation in all relationships and if you haven't got that then your relationship would have crumbled and that would have been even more painful because then you would have been worried how she was going to treat your child.
Infidelity is always painful, but when that someone just doesnt have any remorse because there incapable of it ,it leaves you with feelings of abandoment lack of self worth tremendous hurt and feelings of whyyyyyy
((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))
Searching out details of whats happened in the past sometimes can be more destructive to your healing (IE what you dont know doesnt hurt you)
I found it stirred it all up again like a constant agitation
If your ex is a N then its like bouncing your head on a rock asking that rock to feel guilty they wont they cant there devoid of it.

Its good that your sharing your hurt with us because most people dont understand but this website and the people on it do
I can only offer the truth to you which is, the hurt dulls with time but its raw at the moment , but you will be able to deal with it in time
Sorry its so long but it is sincere

hugs
Movedon
xxxxxxxx

bluebone03 · Joined: 28 Jul 2007 Posts: 68 Location: Oz

thanks movedon. that was one of her sayings

"what you don't know doesn't hurt you" also

"sharing is caring" (sexually she meant - i found out the hard way)

"make sure you get sympathy"

I know i have to forget this thing. or at least not waste too much more time thinking about it. I put myself through this. they say you keep repeating the lesson until you have learnt it. Now that I know that this exists - I dont want to come across it again in my life!!

One thing I dont like though is this. I read up on "Karma" - info that I found was not "you reap what you sow" or "what goes around comes around" its that this may be just preparing me for something else in the future. no.

Thanks again.

ocean · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 320

Blue

I discovered just rethinking the absolute nonsensical utterances just twisted my reality, and that for me allowing myself that luxury actually was a downward spiral into an abyss of despair, the only cure was gratitude.

Gratitude I was no longer in that nightmare,
Gratitude I survived, and learned all I cannot live with, and that I am worth so much more than distortions, games,

This journey you are on, the waves come and go, but you are learning to swim, let this anger propell you, toward knowing she is so not what you ever want.

I wish you peace for this night, rest from the torments of the demented we have been subjected to.
ocean

bluebone03 · Joined: 28 Jul 2007 Posts: 68 Location: Oz

thankyou ocean. my life is returning to normal. i still "think" too much though. At least sleeping is easier. I feel lonely though, thats the hard part. I'm glad I changed my contact details - don't want to go through this then hear something from her again.

thankyou once again.

ocean · Joined: 12 Feb 2007 Posts: 320

Blue

Good you are sleeping, that is essential to good health I hear, and the loneliness,,that too will pass, with time as you discover the depth of your freedom.,

This freedom to be respected, to have free will, no manipulation, you life is once again your own,,,,,,,,,,,,make it grande.

ocean

continue to sleep well

Wendell_Gee · Joined: 27 Jun 2007 Posts: 261

blue,

I'm right there with you, man. I'm one of the few male posters here who's going through a similar situation. I can empathize with you and know your pain all too well. There are great people here who all know what you're going through. If I can help you in any way, or if you want to share stories, please let me know. All my best.
_________________
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

bluebone03 · Joined: 28 Jul 2007 Posts: 68 Location: Oz

cheers mate. I have bad days if I allow myself. you shoulda heard the crap that came outa her mouth - and then she still expected me to marry her!! Move in with her, look after her and pay for everything - while she goes and gets "served" on the side!!! It was just ridiculous. And she just didn't understand why....

I honestly do believe she gets a kick outa it - causing chaos - my nickname for her was the "Puppetmaster" But, lol, she's just such a poor poor child - bullshit!!!

She got an 8 yo boy too - she don't give a rats about him - but, thats the way she is. I can't change it. It was broke before I got here. Thanks again mate.

louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1534