Hi Dr. Vaknin,

I read several of your writtings today about your own childhood..I can relate to many of the things that you wrote about since my NM also behaved the same way with me...What stood out in my mind reading your article was how your NM told you that you kept her from achieving her goals in life, her dreams etc....My NM often told me that she could have done better things with her life if she had not had children, like finish college, have a better paying job, had more time to herself, had more fun,... etc..etc.... another thing that stood out to me was how you mentioned that how she treated you was unpredictable...I remember for when I would come home from school I would be scared wondering what my NM was going to yell at me about or punish me for...I felt her punishment was usually undeserved even if I was on my best behavior and so it was unpredictable and kept me in a constant state of fear and axiety.... Anyway, I wanted to thank you for shareing your life story with us....
I was reading your writtings about how the Narcissist deals with the death of an N parent...their unresolved issues with the parent and how their parents words and abuse last beyond the death of the N parent....Is this true of all children of Narcissists or just N's who experiance these feelings and unresolved issues? example.... the memories of abuse, the verbal abuse that enter our memories, feeling like you can't escape from memories and the words of the N....

How do the children of Narcissists heal from the abuse, the memories of abuse, etc? Is there a way or are we all just broken people in some form or another? I think I repressed a lot of my memories and emotions until about over a year ago..Once I realized my NM is an N all the memories came back and I have been reliving them since...but I would like to be able to be healthy and move on.... I want to be happy and I don't want my NM to ruin me.....what steps should I take? Is it possible to let go of the abuse and the bad feelings associated with it or are all ACONS doomed to have these issues for life and even past the death of the N parent?

Hi, Lynn,

This FAQ:

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq54.html

Is about how narcissists cope with their parents' death (regardless of whether the parents were narcissists, or not). The FAQ does not deal with children of narcissists - but with children who, as adults, tuned out to be narcissists.

You should treat your mother as you would any other abuser. The secret is to stop thinking about her and treating her as your mother. She is a narcissistic abuser first and foremost.

These may be of help - click on the links (they apply to all types of relationships with narcissistic or psychopathic abusers of both genders):

The Narcissist's Victims

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq38.html

Victim Reactions to Abuse by Narcissists and Psychopaths

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/per ... ers70.html

Mourning the Narcissist

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq68.html

The Three Forms of Closure

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse17.html

Back to La-la Land

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal78.html

The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq6.html

Divorcing the Narcissist and the Narcissistic Psychopath - How Do I Get Rid
of Him?

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/5.html

Traumas as Social Interactions

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/trauma.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily21.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily22.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Recovery and Healing

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily23.html

Rescue Fantasies - Surviving the Narcissist

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq80.html

The Malignant Optimism of the Abused

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal27.html

The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive
Narcissists

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq66.html

Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/per ... ers22.html

The Dependent Patient - A Case Study

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/per ... ers56.html

Danse Macabre - Trauma bonding and the Stockholm Syndrome

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily.html

The Cult of the Narcissist

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal79.html

Narcissists and Personality disordered Mates, Spouses, and Partners

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5013

Projection and Projective Identification - Abuser in Denial

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5002

Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/5000

Guilt? What guilt?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4931

Narcissists, psychopaths, sex, and marital fidelity

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4920

The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4959

I miss him so much - I want him back!

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/na ... ssage/4934

Take care.

Sam

Thank you sam..I will go back and read all these articles...
I know this sounds like Stockholm syndrome but even though I feel disconnected from my mother, I am still concerned about her reaction to loosing me...I know I am just NS to her and an object to be used for her pleasure...with no real needs of my own.. (in her mind)...but won't she mourn loosing her NS ?How do I just let her mourn and move on? I think she will feel some pain when I end the relationship and I suppose that still bothers me? Won't she feel some pain? Do I just let her feel it and not worry about her feelings now? I have a hard time knowing she will be sad, depressed or feel slighted when I go NC with her...I'm sure she will quickly move from feeling hurt to feeling angry...but still, I don't want to hurt her, stress her out or cause her any adversity....yet it seems like there is no choice? Isn't it callous to hurt her?