Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 908

Hey, I really need the pros help.

ExN's parenting time with our DD was suspended 6 months ago. He had been inappropriate with DD and his landlord turned in a video surveillance tape into the police. He was given a psych eval, then ordered to parenting classes, therapy, participate and DD's therapy, etc. He refused to do any of it, and he was ordered by the case manager (similar to a special master) to have supervised contact only. ExN challenged the case manager's ruling in court, told the judge he would never do supervised visitation, so the judge gave him some time to comply with rules. ExN refused to comply and that's how we ended up with suspended parenting time.

Last year, ExN didn't see DD for 5 months because he refused to pick her up at the police station. During that time period, my mom contacted ExN's parents, and offered to allow them to see DD at my mom's house. They refused. DD's birthday is this month. I can't have a conversation with ExN's mom without it turning into "please stop using your d as a pawn," etc, etc. It always ends with her screaming at me.

Just received a voicemail message from ExN's mom. I would like to think we can have a reasonable conversation, but that would be crazy of me. I know how the conversation would end. ExN's mom has my mom's phone number. ExN called DD earlier this week to ask her what she wanted for birthday/Christmas.

I'm really torn here. The side of me who understands Narcissism says no way, don't call her back, don't even ask your mom to call her back, but there is always that soft side of me that says this whole situation really isn't Grandma's fault.

I'd like some thoughts on this. I don't believe I will call her but would like some insight. It would be different if she called for DD. I would put DD on the phone. Thanks a bunch.
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"The problem with women is that they get all worked up over nothing and then they marry him." --Cher

Matilda · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 1834

geez..DD isn't really the pawn from the sounds of it, but ex n's mom sure is. (hey my ex p's mom was used in the same way). But she's prolly too old to get it, and it is her son..n or no...sigh and she'd be of the generation or mindset I guess where the whole personality disorder issue is just not the kind of thing she'd discuss anyhoo...and besides she's gonna hear him all day, and be influenced by what he says...the nice part of it though..is with him or without him..she wants a relationship with DD.

Any chance of finding mutual ground? The meeting with the grandparents on both sides in a restaurant on Christmas eve or something? (ofcourse on proviso HE'S NOT THERE). If your mom is there too that can sort that..besides your mom being a grandma too might be more of a "bridge" ....to help the relationship with the other grandma???

RE him...dunno what to suggest there..lol..sounds like you soooo have your head screwed on. You know what he is and you are acting accordingly, with courage, by setting boundaries with back up legally to make sure it is enforced.

You can't convince the ex mom in law he's an a**...but at the same time, you need to see she (away from him) still has connection with Dd. Tricky balancing act...but I reckon your mom (as a grandma and witness) might have some good answers and suggestions to help?

Hopefully others will come up with positive suggestions here for you.

take care lived through it.

Matilda
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"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 908

Thanks Matilda.

I have been trying to get the nerve to call her now for about 24 hours. Everytime I think about calling her back, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I guess the truth is that I have really enjoyed not having to deal with the N or even his family. My contact with N has been pretty limited since his parenting time was suspended. Everytime I think of calling her, I remember her screaming at me last year when I tried to make sure that she and her husband could she DD if they wanted to see her.
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"The problem with women is that they get all worked up over nothing and then they marry him." --Cher

Matilda · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 1834

wishing you well and hope it is smoother than last year. Poor thing..I understand why you have a soft side re this...cos she's doing the screaming and acting out - God only knows what her son has said to her to help wind her up.

lots of love
matilda
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"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."-Steven Wright

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 908

Well, color me stupid. ExN's mom called again earlier this week and I did speak with her. She asked me if she and her husband could see d, and I said yes they could, at my mother's house. I explicitly stated that ExN was not allowed at my mother's house. The conversation deteriorated rapidly from there. She said a lot of very mean and hurtful things to me but I did not take the bait. I did not yell back, I didn't exchange nasty remarks with her. I just stood up for myself in a fairly calm manner. This is a personal best for me. In the past, I have allowed the insults for a period of time and then finally exploded at her, which I know is the wrong way to handle this. It's exactly what she and ExN want me to do.

Well, my mom and I laughed because there was never any arrangements made for them to see d. Now I just received an email from the ExN asking if he can be there when his parents come see d. I guess the true agenda of the holiday phone call has now been exposed.

I'm still learning...
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"The problem with women is that they get all worked up over nothing and then they marry him." --Cher

Cookie2 · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1394

Congrats lived for staying calm amidst all the turmoil! GREAT job....sounds like your proud of you too....and you should be.......It's not an easy thing to do for sure...YET YOU DID IT! WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!
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I have a photographic memory....I just don't have same day service.....................Cookie

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 908

Thanks Cookie. It isn't like the N and his family haven't sucked me a hundred times before... It has taken me a few years to finally figure it out. Next time though, I will work on not feeling guilty when Grandma calls because she wants to see her grandaughter. I should have seen through that emotional ploy.
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"The problem with women is that they get all worked up over nothing and then they marry him." --Cher