Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

petunia16 · Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 97

I'm wondering at what point do I stop writing about this, reading about this and actually get some therapy. I want to make sure I'm handling this correctly.

"this" meaning one of the following:

1. Initiating NC
2. Learning how to deflect NM and Ngma's comments so I can be in their presence and ignore it
3. See if I can teach them how to respect me and rebuild a relationship.
4. What I really want to do... blow up and yell... tell them how crappy they were and are. Clearly state how pathetic and useless they are.

I've been really drained and stressed these past 6 weeks. I broke a bone, have been working about a month without a break... I'm tired and angry. My business is officially closed, without an ounce of help by NM, my partner. She hid from me and now she's blaming me because that one time she did offer help (20 minutes after I closed the doors and wanted to go home), I was "snippy". And Ngma and NM call the store constantly, and hang up when I answer. It's pissing me off.

I want to SCREAM at them. I'm so angry at how they are treating me and manipulating the rest of the family to tell me how selfish I'm being. I honestly feel it would be a-okay to never see either one of them again.

My Mother wants me to go on a weekend getaway with her before I move. Just the two of us. I don't want to do it. I've agreed to it, but plans haven't been made. I'm going to cancel and ask for 2 day trips instead. Sleeping in the same room as her creeps me out.

My "going away, we just got hitched" party is approaching. My NM hasn't offered to pay for any of it and her only contributions have been ridiculous accessories that we don't need. What we really need is to have some chicken paid for. Where does she assume this money is coming from? Her friends tell me she's hurt and thinks I favor my in-laws over her... ugh. Pity victim parade... so typical.

At least I learned one thing, and this seems concrete (thanks to Serenity!)... my NGma neglected her two children leaving them both craving emotional attention. I became my Mother's new Mommy and had to care for her emotional needs... or I became parentified. At least I can step back and see this now... see that perhaps I need to treat my mother like a child and ground her or something.

I still want to mourn the loss of my childhood. I want to be angry that I did not have one capable adult in my life. The very first time I found out a man could be noble and caring was when I was 10. I want to write that male teacher a letter because he's the only reason I married someone who wasn't a loser.

I hate all these people who I share DNA with. I can't wait to be far away from them. Now I just need to figure out how to get their sticky tentacles off of me without leaving a huge scar....

Any suggestions? Smile

(this whole board is one big suggestion... actually)

Serenity · Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 54

Dear Pentunia,

Hugs to you! Being so close to them must be very frustrating and draining, especially with having your mother as your business partner.

Its wonderful news that you will be moving away. Is this a permanent relocation, or just a vacation for now?

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Hi...

I think that reading and talking about it all is a good thing. I went thru years of therapy and I still need to talk it out. It took my family years of training me and it will take a long time to do the untraining.

Hang in there,
justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

petunia16 · Joined: 04 Aug 2007 Posts: 97

Serenity...

I'm moving "permanently". We are calling it our 5-10 year plan... I'm very excited, this is really a leap of faith for me Smile

I guess I've just been hyper emotional lately... with the closing of my store, moving... our wedding reception. I've been talking to so many relatives that I had ignored for years and they are allll coming together for the party.

I've never felt this angry before. Especially at NM and Ngma. I don't know how to handle these emotions and I need to hold myself back from yelling at Ngma... I want to rip her head off. Rage was never a part of me, until the last few weeks. It feels so alien and it scares me.

I have no idea what I want from a therapist. I just want a guide I can meet with every week or so... to tell me... again.... that perhaps I need to curb my need to scream at them... or maybe, getting it out would be a good thing. I just want to be told this is normal Smile

This forum helps that.

My husband is urging me to read "how to win friends and influence people". He made the most amazing suggestion the other night... tell NM and Ngma that in my quest to become a new person, I've decided to be more positive in every aspect of my life. So, whenever we talk, if the positive vibe of the conversation gets derailed with negative ideas, I may push it back on track or hang up. So, he told me to make it clear to them, and everyone else, that this is MY issue and to enforce it, I may need to ask them to "help" me do this. It gives them a purpose and some boundaries and I'm not accusing them of being the cause of my need to change, just that I need to change Smile

I think that exact strategy has come up on this forum, but hearing him say that, and to put the players of the game in specific roles has helped immensely!

Just some peace, some clarity and a pat on the back... that's all I want Wink

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Let us know if it works.

We are with you,
justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

wownowfree · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 255

Petunia,

I believe we should get help any way we can. Just be aware that not all therapists are alike and not all therapists understand Narcissists. Go for it!

As for your 4 possibilities, I don't think (from my own personal experience) that 3 or 4 are possible. 1 and 2 are, in my opinion, your only options. Ask youself if you can manage #2 WITHOUT your mother changing at all. Because N's are notorious for being unable to change one little bit. Can you work out some kind of limided contact with her being exactly as she is? If in your heart you cannot, don't beat yourself up for it. No one should tolerate abusiveness on a continual basis. Normal people can change if it means losing a valued relationship. N's cannot.

Best,

wownowfree

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 671

Hi Petunia..

I am sorry to hear that you broke a bone.. Hope it's healing well and feeling better!
Congrats on closeing your shop and starting a new and wonderful future with your hubby!!
I say Congrats on closeing your shop because I really do think you will feel better not tied into your NM as your buisness partner. Kind of sounds like you were running the shop mostly by yourself anyway and that your NM put most of the responsibility of it on you! It sounded like you enjoyed the shop but that you NM was causing turmoil there for you...
I understand the frustration you have with your NM and NGM... sounds like you are already starting to get their tenticles off you by closeing your shop and the move...
It is so typical of an NM to whine about us loveing our In=laws more than them.. My NM did that too..(unfortunately my sister was listening to this crap and got an inferiority complex from the lies my NM was saying)
N's can get in between marriages so take everything your NM says with a grain of salt and my mantra for you is " You deserver to be happy" Very Happy

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

Therapy can be productive or counterproductive, depending on the therapist. If you were fortunate to find an enlightened therapist such as an Eckhart Tolle, Alice Miller, Deepak Chopra, perhaps Scott Peck it would be invaluable. Unfortunately most therapists play the role of "therapist" and in this is counterproductive in that therapy is as much about the therapist as it is about you and you wont get peace and clarity, instead more confusion.

I had a bad experience with therapy but find an enlightened therapist and it will be an invaluable experience. Certainly, the wisdom of the aforementioned can be obtained from their books.

zanderman1 · Joined: 01 Aug 2007 Posts: 391

Petunia, I send you my best wishes. For your getting hitched/going away party, I'm sending you a 5-gallon bucket of tentacle-solvent.

baby_kay · Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 172

I agree with everyone about finding an "enlightened" therapist. I had a very good therapist for the past 3 to 4 years. She was very good, at listening and I believe she even mentioned that she thought my mother was a N, and my son, but we didn't really get into the qualities, and make a plan from that diagnosis. I am sure alot of therpists can not make that diagnosis on someone they are not seeing, but they can better inform their patients who have to deal with the N, either parents, or spouses. I think that most people, especially those who come here, have done so much research and such. Having a therapist helped me alot, but I have to be honest.......I have done so much work, healing, and making a new life, without her. I stopped seeing her about 6 months ago, due to financial reasons, (I dont' have the dough) and I have been doing alot of soul searching, and such alone. I have taken a good look inside and am healing, and working real hard on Self care, and self love, and total acceptance of what life really is now, with NC. I have not had a relationshi for many years with NM. A lot of damaging stuff came to a head, and trust me, My life has not been the same. But better. I would not have said that years ago....however, time and distance is good medicine for the soul. So is peace and quite. No one to remind me, of how every thing wrong in the world would have to be my fault. So.....thats my two cents.
take care all