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Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group
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tish
Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 193
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 Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: He's coming into my home! |
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Okay,
I am trying to separate myself from married N coworker. Nothing intimate has occured, just what I would consider to be an affair of the mind. His pull on me is strong and I am trying so HARD!
This is the situation in a nutshell. My father is very ill and possibly dying. N is a caregiver. He has received orders to come into our home (where I am staying to care for Dad) and do his profession THREE TIMES A WEEK!
I am sick. I am trying so danged hard to keep my head here. I am really busting my hump not to think of him every minute. But for some reason the universe keeps putting him into my world! Not only at work but I see him on the streets constantly. It is ludicrous.
Now he is going to be in my home, in my restroom, meeting my family, where I find sanctuary! Help!
How is this happening?
Thanks for listening.
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Lukky
Joined: 11 Feb 2007
Posts: 2407
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:14 am Post subject: |
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Hey Tish......
I dont buy this ok?? Forgive my bluntness Hon but if this is a person that is married and you have had an 'affair of the mind' with then how come he is coming into your home to caregive your Dad??
You are trying to separate yourself from him??? Well then pick up the phone and tell them you want a different caregiver ok?? Its that simple!!
Hugs
Lukky
_________________
'The Best reaction is no reaction'
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thegabrielle77
Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 409
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:59 am Post subject: |
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Tish,
Sweetie,
| Quote: | | But for some reason the universe keeps putting him into my world! |
The universe is putting him in your world as a lesson
People come in and out of our lives all the time
There is a season and a reason
Meaning there is a lesson to be learned
| Quote: | | History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. ~Maya Angelou |
I agree with Lukky. You are his customer, this guy is your dads caretaker. It is up to you to say enough....are you going to sit around and complain or do something....
| Quote: | | If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain. ~Maya Angelou |
Hugs
Gabs
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louxloux
Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Posts: 1519
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 12:22 pm Post subject: |
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Tish,
are you afraid of coming off 'rude' by calling and asking for another health care provider?? If so, just simply state that you feel it is a conflict of interest having a 'friend' as your father's care-giver.
What type of work do you do?? I KNOW this will sound like a HUGE transition... but is there any way possible to transfer or find another job in the same field just at another location or company?? You may be better off for it in the long run; and who knows, you might just find an increase in pay by switching.
Just a few ideas.
Another idea/question - what are you doing to figure out why you are attracted to emotionally (and otherwise) unavailable men?? You gotta understand the reason in order to combat it and/or 'fix' that pattern of attraction.
love ya bunches girl,
loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.
~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...
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louxloux
Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Posts: 1519
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 12:37 pm Post subject: |
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p.s. just wanted to add - end of life issues are HARD. Unresolved pain from past conflicts; not wanting to 'let go' of them; the emotional exhaustion/stress from watching them slowly pass away; the gut wrenching emotional pain you feel for them if they (the ill) are not coping well with their own mortality/unresolved issues, etc... IT wears down your defenses. We often 'cope' in maladaptive ways. When my dear grandma first passed... I wanted someone - anyone- to lean on. Makes you very vulnerable to 'suggestion' and someone who is 'selling you your dream'.
You gotta take care of you too Tish. If you haven't already, find ya a good counselor... and double-whammy them. You can get excellent caregiver support in dealing with end of life issues regarding your dad; and also learn about what is attracting you to unavailable men.
I am a huge advocate of counseling. It can really help you get 'un-stuck'.
love,
loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.
~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...
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disengaging
Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 1337
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Nothing intimate has occured, just what I would consider to be an affair of the mind. |
The term that's been coined for this is having an "emotional affair". Googling it may be helpful. It's been estimated that roughly 1/2 of all "emotional affairs" end up becoming physical.
And I'm with the rest of everyone else here. Just call the center and ask for a different caregiver. I don't believe in that many "coincidences". My bet is the guy is fully aware of your attraction and more likely when he found out your dad was in need of a caretaker, managed to wrangle himself into being assigned to him--Ns are sneaky that way!
As horrible as this may sound, but if this guy is truely a Narcissist? Well, what better way to con and manipulate you than by sitting with you at your dad's bedside, holding your hand when you're at your most vulnerable and weakest moment? Could there be a more perfect setup for an opportunistic N to take advantage of his prey? Especially being as you're already attracted to him!
For your sake, please request a different caregiver. The easiest way to resist temptation is by removing yourself from it. If you don't, I fear you will only be setting yourself up for future heartache--and it will also take your attention away from your father, and I fear if that happens, you'll regret it later. You'll also risk turning into the type of person it doesn't sound like you want to become--and you'll only be doing it to yourself.
I am so sorry to hear about your dad! My heart goes out to both of you!
Many hugs!
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gonnamakeit
Joined: 27 Apr 2007
Posts: 129
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:45 am Post subject: |
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I totally agree with gabrielle's assessment of the universe. There is a reason and a season, and it you believe it is the universe then girlfriend you had better be listening. If it takes the universe to reach you, then the lesson is huge. Pay attention, learn it, and get the hell out!
I also agree with all the other respondents, get another caregiver. Take your power, (get used to doing this), and make the call. The word prey is so very apt in this situation. Do not make this time of your Father's passing (possibly!), an emotional drama about the N. You will regret it until the day You die.
Sorry, so blunt - been there and done that. "the one thing I know for sure"....what I say is true
MAKE THE CALL----NOW!!!!
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tish
Joined: 06 Sep 2007
Posts: 193
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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Hey ladies,
I am off the hook this weekend but have managed to ask the "temporary" caregiver if he could become the permanent one. He is going to ask the home office to make the switch.
Gonnamakeit, I don't know why it is so hard for me to "take my power"! You hit on something there.
Disengaging, you are right about the taking advantage of thing. He has managed to be completely caring and attentive to me. What a hero. He has even "fasted and prayed" for my father. Did I mention his religious fervor? Why is it so hard to find a good religious man as opposed to these over-the-top freaks? lol
Gabi, I am trying to heed the lesson. Trying hard not to let this new awareness go to waste. I need change. I obviously need it worse than I ever imagined.
Lukky, I feel humbled but you are probably right-on that I am not trying nearly hard enough to separate. The stupid truth is I crave him.
Finally, my louxloux, I have made an appointment with a counselor - finally!! July 9th I am going on my lunch break. For all these years I have tried to fix things on my own, but this is obviously more than I can handle. I need help.
Thank you all for being so MUCH help to me at this terrible time.
Tish
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louxloux
Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Posts: 1519
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:29 pm Post subject: |
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Very happy to hear Tish.
This stuff is tough, no doubt.
keep us posted.
love ya,
loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.
~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...
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