Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1305 Location: Connecticut, USA

Here's a thought - could it be possible that he is breaking our settlement agreement just to get me to fight? He has been trying so hard to engage me lately. There was the withholding mail and packages thing from last week. He came by my house this past Saturday when he knew I was away for the weekend, and had my son enter the house "to bring in the mail". Today he knocked on my door three times, once to deliver my mail, once when he accidentally locked himself out of the office (LOL!), and again at the end of the day to deliver a big package from Amazon that he says he didn't know was there all day. I didn't respond to any of it, other than politely requesting that he leave my mail and packages somewhere accessible to me. I certainly never asked him to bring them to my door, and I think I will request that from now on he does not.

I think he just doesn't like to be ignored, and he's afraid things are going too well for me.

It probably really is about the support payments, but my refusal to engage him in any of the petty battles must be driving him nuts too.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 869

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NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1305 Location: Connecticut, USA

There is no court order for support. This all came about today because he got wind of the motion my lawyer filed for it.

dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

I think they call it 'Hoovering' around here? Is he trying to suck you back in? Test the waters? It sounds pretty pathetic. Perhaps his ns ran out.

He's going to keep doing what he has always been 'rewarded' for. He is just going to have to understand that the dynamic is different now.

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1305 Location: Connecticut, USA

I don't believe he's trying to suck me back in. I think he realizes that I see him for what he is, and he believes I'm the only one on the planet that does. He can't wait to get divorced, and he thinks it will clear him of all his wrong-doings if I'm out of the picture. He thinks he can walk away and get away with all he's done, never be exposed. I think the little things are to try to get under my skin, while appearing to be the "good guy" he so desperately wants everyone to think he is, and making me look off-balance, to support his projections that I'm the crazy, abusive one and he is the victim.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 869

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NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1305 Location: Connecticut, USA

Thank you, Summer, for those encouraging words.

Trinity · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 97

My first thought is he is baiting you. He testing the waters...... He wants to see how far you will allow him to tread. And IF you were to let him over the boundaries you have set, he has a plan to set you up. What would happen is you MAY let him in...he will push your buttons to get you to blow and have something to hold in court. Something that makes you look unstable or like you are playing games with HIM.

You used the perfect word...he is trying to ENGAGE you. And no matter how you may HONESTLY want to play nice, don't do it. Stay away...continue to stay in your boundaries...alert your lawyer of EVERYTHING....

He is seeing things are going well for you and he is going to try and do anything to make this stop. Without your participation in his GAMES, he can not play....He can not SHOW ANYTHING to the court.

You are doing GREAT! I know it's hard to not go to the door and just be friendly, but that is exactly what HE IS COUNTING ON FOR YOU TO DO.... Trust me... EVERY TIME I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL FOR IT.... HE KNOCKED ME ON MY BUTT!

But obviously, you thought it weird enough to post here because you KNEW something is just not right... CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are not blind to his N tactics...they are becoming very clear aren't they????

Too bad for them...HA!!!!

fraggle_1972 · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 567

Nancy

As he has now decided not to buy you out. The agreement to allow exclusive use of the home office for 60 - 90? days is void.

Discuss this with your lawyer, see if you can change the locks to lock him out. Sure to infuriate!

But you now have no obligation to honour that agreement.

I had a sneaking suspcion that he would not buy the business, I think this was just his way of downloading, gathering all contacts, contacting them about what is going on..ie I'll be back in business in x number of months.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 869

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livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 942

I agree with everything Dagna, Trinity, and Summer have posted here.

I have been burnt so many times by the ExN regarding agreements, that I can't articulate into words the frustration it caused me. I do think they make agreements with us just to see how far they can get us to concede, then renege on any of their obligations to the agreement. Fraggle is right, call his bluff here. If he isn't going to honor the agreement, there is no reason for you to honor it.

Hugs to you Nancy.

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1305 Location: Connecticut, USA

Today he knocked on my door to deliver the mail. I ignored it, and didn't answer the door.

At the end of the day he came to the door to collect the children. He was visibly upset. He handed me the mail that he had left on the front porch, and told me that he had knocked but no one answered. I simply thanked him for the mail.

S14 had some friends over. They were having a water battle in the yard and trying to make plans for a sleepover. S11(12 tomorrow) was playing inside the house. N got upset that the kids weren't ready at the door, and said, "Never mind, I'll just go." and started to leave. I called to him, asking if he wasn't taking the kids. He called back over his shoulder, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, I'll just go."

I told S14 that it seemed that Dad was OK with him staying to play with his friends, and it would be OK with me if they all stayed here tonight. S11 said, "What about me? I want to go." He literally ran up the driveway after his father to tell him he wanted to go. He came into the house to get his stuff and put on his shoes. N sent S14 in to tell him to hurry up.

As soon as they left, I knew that N would turn it around and say that I was keeping him from S14 and going against the parenting plan. I immediately emailed him. Here's what I said:

"N,

Thank you for offering to allow S14 to stay here tonight. He is having a blast (pun intended) playing super-soaker with his friends, and has asked them to spend the night. I appreciate your flexibility.

Thank you also for waiting patiently for S11 at 5:00. He was anticipating his time with you, and would have been disappointed if you left without him. He is very excited about his birthday tomorrow.

Thanks again,
Nancy"

Can't wait to see how this one plays out. I think he must be going absolutely mad that I haven't reacted to his threat to dissolve the business. The way I see it, he took control of the business, locking me out. He then decided to dissolve it, but I did not agree to that. If he takes a step in that direction, he is guilty of undermining the business.

dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

You are so good. You should write a book.

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1305 Location: Connecticut, USA

Oh sure, I'm tough and together on the outside, but on the inside I am such a wreck! I'm having a terrible time trying to hold it together right now. I feel betrayed on every front. Obviously by N, also by my long-term friends, now by my lawyer's glaring mistake.

I had been waiting all day for N to take the kids, so that I could absolutely fall apart right after they left. At the same time, I was delighted that I got an extra night with kids in the house. It was a happy, carefree place.

I decided that I will not be answering the door anymore when N knocks. He's not my responsibility, and I am no longer required to jump when he says so.

dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

I hate that pit-in-the-stomach feeling I get everytime I have to deal with him. Blech. I hope he stays away from your doorstep.

I think it is great that you can at least have the appearance of holding it together. As the cliche goes, fake it till you make it.

I'm so sorry about your friends. I think our lives were so divided by the time of the split that we had very few mutual friends. The mutual friends we do have are being pretty decent about things, but most of them are out of town, only-see-a-couple-times-a-year friends.

We should have lunch. We are only about 1200 miles apart. Very Happy