Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I was single with two kids after leaving my first abusive relationship. I had been doing it alone for almost 7 years and I was tired of it and felt that I had gone through enough therapy, groups, and self help books to enter a "healthy" retationship. I met my second husband we dated about two years. We got married I had some health problems. I became pregnant. I had complications. I quit my job. I had another baby 15 mo. later. He First became abusive during the first pregnacy. Evan more so during the second. There were many red flags and signs before then. Anyway, for the past two or three years now he has added something kind of new. He still does the emotional and verbal abuse. During the past year he has evan become physical about 3 or 4 times. But the new thing he does now is withholding money. He refuses to give me any money. But he says I can't work. We live in the middle of no where. I lost all my friends. My car is unreliable. I now have 4 kids. 3 of them are special needs. My mom doesn't want to watch them. I have no one to help me. I don't qualify for welfare because my name is on the house and his car. He gets paid tommaro and I was counting on the whole check to paid PG&E, the trash and get groceries. He says that he isn't giving me a penny ever. He says I don't care anything about him so why should he care about me. He says he has given me money for years and I have nerver done anything for him ever. He says if anything ,I owe him money. I said that they will cut off the electricity. He says that isn't his problem. He says he is through talking to me. He is leaving. He says he will live in the car and shower at work. He is very cruel and disconected. He says I deserve this because I got mad at him on Sat. and I was hateful. And because I am a bad wife. He says if I take him to court to get money I won't like what happens to me. He won't say what he means by that. Usually I cry and get really scared when he threatens me. But this time I really didn't react.I just said bring it on. I am strong enough to endure anything. And he said good, will. I am a little afraid. Leah

Hi Leah,

I'm so sorry to read your story. What is happening to you is abuse in the extreme.

Im going to move your post to the main forum where you will receive more answers as its in the Information section at the moment.

First of all, I doubt very much whether he will leave. Its threats, which means that it still will leave you in an abusive situation.

I'd advise you to contact a lawyer to find out what your financial situation is, also contact a womens shelter for any support and advise they can give you.

And Im also going to advise you to contact the police. He has responsibilities to his family, with-holding money for food is against the law when there are children concerned. You could also contact Child Service to see what support they could offer you.

The abuse is escalating and it will continue to do so if you stay. You are isolated and cut off, he has you where he wants you. You have to get out of this situation.

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How abusers brainwash their victims...





"Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation.
The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound." - Robert Burney

Abusers brainwash their intimate partners using methods similar to those of prison guards who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain that cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. These methods form the core of abuse.



Biderman's Chart of Coercion: the process of abusive brainwashing:



Isolation: Deprives victim of all social support [necessary for the] ability to resist. Develops an intense concern with self. Makes victim dependent upon interrogator.

Monopolization of Perception: Fixes attention upon immediate predicament; fosters introspection. Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor. Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.

Induced Debility & Exhaustion: Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.

Threats: Cultivates anxiety and despair.

Occasional Indulgences: Provides positive motivation for compliance.

Demonstrating "Omnipotence": Suggests futility of resistance.

Enforcing Trivial Demands: Develops habit of compliance.

Degradation: Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to self-esteem than capitulation. Reduces prisoner [abuse victim] to "animal level" concerns.



NO, this does not mean your partner is a supremely intelligent individual. It means they are a dysfunctional abusive person. Those highly effective techniques for manipulation are a natural part of who they are. As you will read under Inside the Mind of An Abuser, these people are all pretty much the same type of character... sharing a great many thinking patterns and behaviors.

The abuser keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or even talk or gossip about you to others behind your back in order to isolate you from them.

The abuser controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. He may have moved you to a new location, farther away from your family and other supportive contacts.

The abuser instills in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency. Verbal and emotional abuse amplifies these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time. Your partner puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism. In other words... What he says, goes.


Abusive Breakdown Tactics - the tools of abuse


Here are some of the tactics abuser's use to hurt you... to take you down and keep you there. How many do you recognize?

Verbal Assaults: Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

Domination: The abuser wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.

Emotional Blackmail: The abuser plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, the "cold shoulder," or use other controlling fear tactics.

Gaslighting: The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. You know differently. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity. It is this act of abuse which makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind.

Unpredictable Responses: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.

This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.

An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.

Abusive Expectations: The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it's never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

Constant Chaos: The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others. The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.




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