Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 722

I was just thinking about this in the last day or two:

My mother used to ground me to my room a lot as a kid.. It was radiculous.. Every summer when I could have been out playing with my friends she would "provoke me to wrath".. I serously think that she picked fights and would just be so darn condisending and bitchy that I would just snap and defend myslef.. Ofcorse that was concidered "talking back" so I would get grounded for it for several days where I could not leave my bedroom except to go pee.. and I could only be called out of my bedroom to eat... My NM would have my stepdad do her dirty work by complaining to him that I talked back to her and then he would come in my room screaming at me and telling me that I am grounded... When my friend would come over to play they would turn my friends away and I could hear them telling my friends that I am disrespectful and a brat and am grounded.. It was quite humiliating to hear my step-dad and NM say this and for them to try and ruin my reputation to my friends. It was worse than the punishment of being in my room.. Sometimes in my room they would tell me I couldn't play with any toys or watch tv or listen to the radio.. So for 2 to 4 days all I could do is stare at the ceiling or read or something...Then I would have to beg my parents to let me off being grounded by admitting to them that I was a brat.. talked back and was bad.. my mom didn't seem staisfied with my admitance of guilt until she saw tears and I kissed her and said sorry...
The thought of it now makes me sick.. Just another one of those revelations you get when you piece together your disfunctional childhood.
I was wondering if anyone else was treated like this and grounded a lot as a kid....????

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 722

I just wanted to say that I don't have kids.. and if anyone here grounds there kids to their room I am not passing judgement on that. I just think being grounded to my room for 2 to 4 days sometimes up to a week long.... at age 8 to 15 to me sounds extream considering the "sin" commited of talking back... Also.. I think humiliating me infront of my friends telling them that I was a brat.. "don't listen to my parents" talk back etc.. and all the other stuff they said to my friends when they told them I could not go outside and play was humiliating, and broke down my selfesteem.....Isn't there better ways to go about punishing a child instead of breaking their spirit in a vendictive way?

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

I totally agree, my NPs were very manipulate with the "discipline" practices -- I was grounded for weeks at a time, had my phone taken out of my room (so my NM could "monitor") my phone calls, my sister and I paid for our own line with our own $$ from sitting outside the home, we had to earn money on the outside, we never received an allowance from them, although I was their slave labor. One time, my parents asked me to break-up with my boyfriend, they would give me a truck (very old), but I did it, they wouldn't allow any contact whatsoever, I'm completely embarrassed now that I gave in, it was a matter of survival, though. Honestly, I spent much of my childhood in my room, it was a safe place, too many questions, yelling, work requests when I left my room. The key in your situtation is the extreme punishment for something non-exisitent, just to control, manipulate, to the extreme, trying to break our will. I'm so sorry you had to endure such things, for all of us.

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

We were not usually grounded to our room. Our punishment was usually physical. We did however hide in our rooms alot. I use to play in my closet with the door closed for hours on end.

Sorry you had to go thru what you did and that you felt humilated.
Funny how things come back to all of us.

justmee
_________________
If you can not deal with it, or change it, then its time to walk away from it.

freethispirit · Joined: 13 Jan 2008 Posts: 27

Punishments were all weird and means of control or a means to cause the most pain.

Sorry your N's were so vindictive too. Sad

Thank goodness we didn't have to grow up to be like them.

I was adoptived by N's. I had to be in my room by 8pm each night, so they could have 'family' time with their 'real' son. I wasn't sent to my room for punishment, I was sent to the utility room, it had no heating, and concrete flooring. Often I'd be in a nightdress, I'd have to wait for her to come and beat me with a broom-handle (she had to remove the dog first, it attacked my Ndad once when he beat me) and I'd be left to lay on the concrete floor, even in winter. I'd crawl onto the filthy dog bed for desperte for some warmth. Sometimes she's say, "oh I found out you didn't do it (what ever 'it' was, I didn't usually have any idea what I'd done wrong) but never mind it (the beating) will do for next time". Of course it never did. At these times, I often wasn't allowed to eat the evening meal either. I can only assume, whatever 'it' was my brother had done, but it was ok for him, he NEVER got hit. Not that I would of wanted him to be. I loved him loads, growing up. Sadly he's turned into his mother!

In our house (mine and hubby's) we had the 'naughty step. If siblings bickered, we'd listen to grievences, but sometimes I'd put them on the step and ask them to hold hands. It alway worked, they couldn't remain angry with someone they were holding. While they sat there, they'd work through who said or did what...and sort it. Hubby did NOT 'do' discipline, he opted out of anything like that. He ALWAYS had to be the 'good' guy. It was a pain in the arse and the kids would try it on with him. Then out of the blue he'd SNAP and start yelling. Drove me mad and wasn't fair on the kids, he gave mixed messages.

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 374

freed, I'm so saddened by your experience, my gut turns when I hear of severe emotional and physical abuse of children, they are so vunerable, they are completely dependent on adults for care/nourshing, I can't believe what you and many endured, mine was more psychological, not near to the degree you have experienced, however, thank you for some for a great idea about the step and holding hands, I am going to try it, you are breaking the cycle, I am, too, that is wonderful and should be celebrated!!! Laughing

Smilin Fyodor · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 110

wendy d · Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 189

This is the most horrible thing I can imagine. Do not apologize or minimize the extreme pain and cruelty of these acts. It is very clear to loving parents the boundries regarding grounding as a reasonable punishment and the act of cruelty. What you experienced was nothing short of abusive. IT WAS TOTALLY WRONG! We have spanking laws here because the line between discipline and abuse is very blurry for some people and children need protection.
Your post made me cry because there are children I am aware of who are being treated exactly that way now. As often as possible the little girl stays with me (she is 2) but her older brother (5) is getting the brunt of this isolation punishment. The welfare agencies are aware of the treatment of these children but do nothing. The boy is already so disturbed that his behavior problems are beyond my ability to cope.
It breaks my heart that he can not be with me as his sister is but I am very sick and physically weak and have failed to manage this child. Unless I have legal guardianship no agencies will help me with him.
He is cruel to my pets, tries to burn down my house, steals, lies and tries to smother his sister.
Although I have tried to get help for this boy and even took him in for 1 year there seems to be little interest from the social services regarding his displayed behaviors.
This child is a sweet, most lovable wide eyed angel when around those who do not know him. Most people do not believe what he is capable of.
It is criminal how the parents are free to destroy these children and produce more N's and P's for the future.
This boy was an innocent soul who could have had potential to be of value to this world.
It kills me to know how he is living. Now it is almost as if he is content with his lot in life although when I see him he is always stressed and on the verge of an emotional melt down. He is only 5! I am angry and frustrated with his parents but can do nothing.
What happened to you was unacceptable and you have a right to be angry and indignant.
The other thing parents need to realize is that children deserve dignity and respect the same as adults and humiliating you in front of your friends is also a destructively cruel thing to do. Go ahead and be mad, you have a right.
There is a little boy going through that same life right now.
The mother will not give these children to me legally as they represent to much money from our government plus cute kids are good for eliciting sympathy and money from social agencies and others.

Wendy d

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 722

I guess I should have made this post about "excessive punishment" by the NP's but you all knew what I meant anyway... so thanks for responding with your stories..

Although, as a child I always knew that I was being punished far more than my friends and usually over minor infractions, I am just now realizing that it was a control issue and a way for the NP's (NM and N Stepdad) to D & D me.

As a kid, I rationalized that my severe punishment was justified but now I realize it was harsh and cruel and they were trying to break my spirit...and to a large degree they suceeded in making me fear them and jump when they said jump and to not question anything they said or did...I still don't know how I survived in a totally loveless, frightening and stressful environment. I remember the daily amount of sadness and depression and feelings of hopelessness, wishing someone would deliver me from Hell.
And when my NM would notice that I looked sad or upset she would mock me and call me names like a "cry baby" and sing "nobody loves me,, everybody hates me.. guess I will eat some worms." or just angrily tell me to "Get over it." So, even after being punished I was mocked and called names either to my face or to my friends....My NM was relentlessly cruel...
Freethispirit... I am so sorry about your treatment too.. Wow, I was speachless thinking of how your adoptive N's treated you compared to their own child! That's horrible!
It's strange too how the GC often ends up like the N Parent...Man... what you went through was terrible! Are you NC with your NP's now?

kkoffey · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 13

I can relate to this. I remember being grounded or restricted to my bedroom, basement or garage at a young age. A lot of times I was confined to my bed & warned not to move from it. At first I thought if I cried my parents would rescue me. No one ever came. I have heard that orphans learn early not to cry because it does them no good. No one comes to comfort them. I grieve the fact that I was basically an orphan. My parents were physically there but emotionally & spiritually unavailable.

I remember one time when I was 5 or 6 when my mother locked me out of the house for getting mud on my pants. It is no wonder that I suffer from abandonment issues.

I shudder when I think of the physical torture. I was terrified of my father. He had so much anger. I never knew what would set him off. Many times he came at me with a fist, hammer, shovel. Whatever was in reach at the time. Ever been slapped in the face so hard that it made your ear ring & left a hand mark? I heard that a face slap is one of the most degrading/damaging things that can be done to a child. Usually punishment was not for anything we kids did wrong, it was out of parents rage.

Not blaming here. Just the facts. I know now that they had their own unresolved issues & stuff. Still doesn't make it right though.....
Thanks for letting me share.
_________________
KK

lynn1234 · Joined: 14 Aug 2007 Posts: 722

Hi Kkoffey..
Thanks for shareing... I am sorry for what you went through...You didn't deserve that!

Thats interesting about how orphans learn not to cry.. I remember when I was punished I would cry with my head in the pillow.. Sometimes I would get in more trouble when I would cry so I would cry but muffel the sound so I wouldn't be found out about...If my NM or N step-dad could hear me cry they would yell at me or punish me even worse or my NM would mock me that I was a cry baby... So.. like you mentioned I learned that crys did no good and might be even punished if found out about...

It's amazing how the memories on these topics come back and then we learn why we responded the way we did... I totally forgot about that....
I too was slaped in the face and remember the hand print... It's weird but I have blocked out some of the physical punishment...My mind hasn't gone there to try to remember it.. Actually... I thought being pushed, slaped, pinched, occasionally kicked by my NM was something I deserved for being a brat... Usually I would get it when my mom was sarcastic and bitchy and I told her she had an attitude or to shut up.. Which was wrong at the time even though my mother was instigating an arguement.. I just rationalized I deserved to be hit, slaped, kicked, pushed, pinched etc... Now that I think about it though.. my NM's behavior was more extreame than most mothers.. I think...