Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

I am new to this forum and read through the What's with all the crappy gifts thread. What a huge relief!!! Thank you than k you thank you all for relating your stories. I have a NM, got away from her for a year and fell into a marriage with another N and was stuck there for 23 years until our oldest daughter woke me up and got me and her three younger sisters out of there.

I am still waking up five years later.

I was made to feel like my gifts as a child to my parents were never good enough and that my hurt feelings at the pointedly insulting gifts I received were proof that I was hugely ungrateful and obviously did not love them as much as they loved me.

Thank God for my daughter. She is the only one inside the situation enough for me to believe that I was being abused. I always thought if someone made that observation that I had somehow maligned, slandered or exaggerated the situation with my husband or mother.

She has had to suffer a lot for blowing the whistle, but she is a hero.

Hi emptiedby2, Welcome to the forum, and glad you found us.

Also glad you felt comforted by the thread. Its an archived one in the read only section now, so Im going to move your thread to the Adult Children of Ns and Ps board where the members who contributed will see it and be able to welcome you.

Hi, emptiedby2. Sorry that you have a NM but I'm glad that you found your way here for information and support. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts and ideas. Welcome!

emptiedby2 wrote:She has had to suffer a lot for blowing the whistle, but she is a hero.

Your daughter sounds like an amazing person. Despite your Narc upbringing, obviously you were sound enough to raise a responsible, brave, empathetic daughter and I'm sure you're extremely proud.

Welcome!

Welcome new friend.
There are so many good people here with which to share.
Apparently you knew how to raise a healthy and devoted child.
Congratulations on that strength.
Continue on.
Corona

thanks for the replies.

I read a lot of your stories last night. This morning I woke up and thought - hey I don't have to be mad at God anymore for dropping me off with a NM and then letting me fall into a N marriage. I can think - oK, this is the challenge I've been dealt in my life- what am I going to do with it. I mean everyone has some challenge they are given or else it wouldn't be a good game. Just knowing there are so many other people with a similiar challenge means I'm not a factory second or a reject or inferior. I'm just a normal woman with some challenges to overcome, like everyone else.

When I have more time, I'm going to share our gifting stories. Pretty funny.

When our daughter turned 13 - a big deal to her since she was now a teenager - my ex NH gave her an iron skillet for her birthday. And as a bonus - wow - he let her keep it as his apartment.

I asked her, "Oh, do you and Daddy enjoy cooking together?" No. Did you ask for cookware? no. Do you have some sort of private joke or story about a skillet? No. OK, well, why the skillet? I don't know. She was hurt, but felt like it was wrong, materialistic, greedy to be hurt.

emptiedby2 wrote:Just knowing there are so many other people with a similiar challenge means I'm not a factory second or a reject or inferior. I'm just a normal woman with some challenges to overcome, like everyone else.

Oh heck no, you're not defective in any way! Banish the thought.

Coming from a family with an NPD parent, and a long marriage to a narc spouse, though, you're more likely exceptional in a good way than just being merely normal. You've been challenged and have endured and prevailed, and while you may yet have a bit more to learn from it to complete your growth, you're actually quite special. You have proven your capacity to prevail over extreme adversity, and most cannot say that.

You were somewhat normal, in that sad kind of way that defines most normal people, right up until you dumped that narc spouse and struck out on your own. At that moment, you became exceptional and I applaud you for your courage.

You're cookin'. Go with it and enjoy the ride, even the bumps.

Thank you quite good. It is soooo nice to be complimented rather than condemned. I really value those words and will feed them to my very very hungry little soul.

"Normal" is a setting on a washing machine. Don't use it as a standard to measure yourself. You're a kind, decent human being, and that's plenty good enough.

NM gifts, for every occasion, were pieces of her old jewelry.
Like the Pope was arriving, she'd call me, and in a very slow, creepy and quiet voice, say,
"This is your Mother. I've decided to give you a piece of jewelry for your birthday/holiday. (like what else is new? you do this every year.)
I know that you will appreciate it and I know that you will have forever a piece of jewelry from your mother that you can show to everyone and say it is from your mother. Remember, when I'm gone, you'll be an orphan. You'll be nobody's child. Then you'll wish you had my jewelry. It's quite a nice gift. I'm sure you will appreciate that I am giving this to you. Won't you? I want to know. After all, it is a very valuable gift and if you're not going to appreciate it, I'll give it to your sister. She'll appreciate it; she loves my jewelry." She was so repetitive. Every time we spoke, it was like she pressed rewind on the audio tape she wore on her arm.

Zirconium? I innocently asked if the bracelets given has real diamonds. She got enraged..."NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW AND THE GOLD IS REAL SO IT'S EXPENSIVE.
YOU'D BE A FOOL NOT TO JUMP ON THIS. IF NOT, I'M CALLING YOUR SISTER,AND GIVING IT TO HER. DON'T BE A FOOL." She'd give me initial bracelets, with HER initials or name,
"Um Mom, it says your name on the bracelet?"
She'd snap, "WHO DO YOU THINK CARES ABOUT YOU ENOUGH TO SEE? THEY'LL SEE A GORGEOUS GOLD BRACLET AND YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO HAVE IT."
I was never into jewelry, wonder why?

Last year before I went NC, I told her to give all of her jewelry to my sister.
It took weeks of practicing my speech and even then, my pulse was up.
She had that maniacal look that said she was going to have her revenge
for me humiliating her like this.
Turns out that for the next birthday, she mailed me 2 dresses that were
years old, worn and tattered and dirty. Tags on, said the thrift shop clearance rack $2.50.
The dresses stench was gross and the buttons, when touched, disintegrated into sand! When I questioned her she said, "Well I thought they were cute dresses for you to wear when you go out. You could use a dress or two and they looked like your size (dress was about 7 sizes too big). Remember how you used to look pretty with your hair down? I've told you before, no man stands in line for a woman in a baseball cap and pony tail. No wonder no one loves you. I'm ashamed."

Shortly thereafter, I went NC and I mailed my sister all of the jewelry that I had gotten form NM. NS had given me such grief every birthday saying that I had received the piece of jewelry that was promised to NS etc., and blah blah. On the note that accompanied the jewelry to NS, I said, "It seems as if you need the jewelry more than moi." I have had NC with NS for a long time. Her N grief was as bad as NM. Wonder what her reaction to the jewelry was?

Thanks for the ear,
C.

I think Ns are notorious for giving others their old, useless tacky CRAP.

Broken appliances, old clothes, worthless jewelry....par for the course. Most of the junk my mom gives me ends up in a parking lot dumpster.

WTF???

Man, Corona, that made me nauseated just reading it. What a mindf**k. And stinky-ass dresses? Ewwww. Just, ewwww.

Sending all that s**t away to NS must have felt like breaking a curse and spring cleaning, all in one. :)

If you ever have doubts about the wisdom of NC in either direction, NM or NS, you have this charming memory to put you right straight with a quickness. That's about the best that can be said for it, though. *ugggh* You are so, so much more worthy than that. How very evil of NM to send you that crap.

emptiedby2 wrote:When our daughter turned 13 - a big deal to her since she was now a teenager - my ex NH gave her an iron skillet for her birthday. And as a bonus - wow - he let her keep it as his apartment.

I asked her, "Oh, do you and Daddy enjoy cooking together?" No. Did you ask for cookware? no. Do you have some sort of private joke or story about a skillet? No. OK, well, why the skillet? I don't know. She was hurt, but felt like it was wrong, materialistic, greedy to be hurt.

Say what???

Ok now I like to cook, but giving a thirteen year old girl an iron skillet???

WTF?

She had a right to be hurt!

Or it could be a subtle message of what a woman can do with a cast iron skillett and he is going to show her to use it properly.

KABLONG!!!

Ok, sorry for my sarcasm here, but I just couldn't help it.

Just the other day at work, I had someone arrive to pick up a guest. I work in a high end resort and we have private cars come and pick up guests all the time. It was 4am in the morning, and evidently this driver had not been informed that the pick up had been cancelled. He was tired and frustrated. So I offered to make him a late, he was grateful. I was glad to do it, it was a small gesture of kindness in a moment of frustration. I was glad to do it. I enjoy giving and making others feel good, the exact opposite of what N's do. Interestingly enough, I have been told by so many that I really know how to give great gifts.

N's use gift giving to instill obligation, guilt and shame.

Ordinary people give gifts to express feelings of kindness, appreciation, to generate goodwill and to congratulate others for hard work.

Corona,

""Um Mom, it says your name on the bracelet?""

A good example of the N's child being an extension of themself..

No wonder no one loves you. I'm ashamed."

Sounds like she is projecting here.... :? Shesh, what an awful thing to say to your child...

Shortly thereafter, I went NC

No doubt!! NC was well deserved...

and I mailed my sister all of the jewelry that I had gotten form NM.

Good for you... 8)

Oh man, I have the creepiest NP gift story.

So, I was 18 at the time, and had (still am) been dating a very lovely guy for about 2 years.

I went to my grandparents' house and in my room on the bed was a boustier. I'm not sure if that's the correct spelling, but it was a strapless bra that had corset-like boning halfway down the stomach. It was black, transparent, and had lacy pink frills everywhere.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but is it normal for a 68-year-old woman to give her 18-year-old granddaughter sexy lingerie ? Does anything about this seem appropriate?!?!

My god, I was so grossed out when I saw that. I really didn't want 'sex underwear' from my grandma.

Later that day she asked me what I thought of it and I replied "Uhh, grandma, I don't really wear stuff like that"

Gross gross gross gross icky icky icky icky!!!

zombie wrote:Oh man, I have the creepiest NP gift story.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but is it normal for a 68-year-old woman to give her 18-year-old granddaughter sexy lingerie ? Does anything about this seem appropriate?!?!

My god, I was so grossed out when I saw that. I really didn't want 'sex underwear' from my grandma.

It does seem to be an inappropriate gift. It feels almost as if she was attempting to act like a peer rather than Grandma filled with wisdom.

Also, the fact that she was unaware that you did not have any interest in that type of lingerie is also very telling, IMO. It says she is totally out of touch with who you really are.

The saddest part is that a peer who really cared about you would likely know that sexy lingerie was not the right gift for you.

My N grandmother makes a show of giving me a £10 note as a gift and telling me exactly how I should spend it. She will deliberately hold it in her hand until I have said thank you over and over again, then she graciously hands it to me.

A few weeks ago, she came to my work and we had the whole money giving thing infront of all my collegues, while she sucked up the attention and the 'how generous am I?' routine, then insisted that I take the money to go out for a meal on Sunday with my husband. When I told her that I was working on Sunday, she snatched the money away and put it back in her purse.

Ho hum...ya gotta love 'em.

MercyMe and Lynn,
Correct, once in a great while, I get a tinge of guilt and sadness from NC. It is the mental imagery of things like this :twisted: that zap me right back.


:) C.

Corona wrote: Remember, when I'm gone, you'll be an orphan. You'll be nobody's child.

LOL!!! How bizarre. You were probably jumping with joy after she said that!!! LOL!!!

My NF is a hoarder who lived through the depression. He would make me take trash and junk that was moldy from being in his basement for 30 years or dry rotted from being in the attic heat for 30 years and act like he was giving me bricks of gold. He'd have this look like "Oh, I'm giving her so much...I'm going to pout because I've given her so much...and what has she done for ME? Now she can kiss my feet with gratitude". What a dumbass.

"Gifts" from a narc. are never gifts. They're traps with strings attached.

Dustygirl,

"My NF is a hoarder who lived through the depression. "

Trust me on this ..him being a hoarder has nothing to do with living through the depression...

I thought my NM was a hoarder because she is a widow , doesn't have much money and gets disability....But I think for the most part....N's are hoarders... I think what makes them so is that they are out of touch with reality, materialistic, seek to impress, paranoid to be without things, and can't sort out what things are important and of value and which are not and....... they love things not people...

I know someone who is a shopaholic though who had an NF and has 2 NB's...He isn't an N but he hoards what he buys and shopping became his relief from his family... From a young age he started hanging out at the mall because he didn't like to be home harassed by the N's in his family....since he has morals and an ability to empathize he's probably one of the few hoarders that a red flag doesn't go off when I hear the word Hoarder...

I remember somthing Sam V said...
All N's are abusers but not all abusers are N's....

Maybe a sang is true...
All N's are hoarders but not all hoarders are N's....

Lynn...that's very interesting. Do you think that N's are hoarders because they think their stuff (junk) is so special that it has to be saved...because it's THEIR'S? There are closets in my father's house that have been jammed packed for YEARS...looking back, the house was new...only four years old or so, and already every closet, every room, the entire basement, the garage, the attic and the barn were jammed so full of old junk that nothing more could be put into them. Even food...the pantry had old boxes of cereal that we weren't allowed to throw out. Therefore, the pantry was infested with bugs. If my mom bought a new box of cereal, within a week it had bugs in it too. We always had to eat buggy and moldy food growing up.

I'll never forget when my son was born...my father insisted my husband and I go up into his attic and take some old clothes for my son to use. These clothes were about 30 years old, some older...like 40 years old. They were dry rotted and hideously out of style. Closets in his house have piles and piles of old towels and sheets that are thread bare and nothing but holes.

My dad was a hoarder, too. He saved everything. Like every orange juice container. Mold was a regular part of my childhood, too.

It got so out of hand that there were piles of old lumber in huge, old tents in the back yard. It wasn't zoned but I've always marveled that the health dept. didn't do something. It attracted rats. YUCK!!!! I cringe just thinking about it.

Dustygirl, I'm so grossed out that you had to eat buggy/moldy food! May I go slap these people, please? :x

Dustygirl,

"Do you think that N's are hoarders because they think their stuff (junk) is so special that it has to be saved...because it's THEIR'S?"

Probably...and maybe because they are stingy and out of touch with reality....

My SF hoards animals.. He started to collect more and more animals until he had an out of control ranch/farm and had more animals than he could care for...it became almost like a small zoo and he worked all day to take care of them...it kept him busy though and gave him something benign to do instead of picking fights with neigbhoors and people he comes in contact with...(although him and one of his neighbors hate eachother...)

He also used to hoard a certain musical intstroment that nobody was/is allowed to touch except for him.... He is very protective of his things and thinks everyone is after his stuff.....maybe there is a certain amount of paranoia that comes with hoarding...

My NM hoards clothes, shoes, doesn't throw away food in the fridge...Luckily the piles though are localized to the garage and her bedroom....

"Dustygirl, I'm so grossed out that you had to eat buggy/moldy food! May I go slap these people, please? "

Yuck....awww....that sucks dustygirl....I have 3 emotions for this... :( :?
The N's never cease to amaze me!! More like boggle my mind...