Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

natman2 · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 91

I have been wanting to get some closure from my N for some time now, although the need is fading .

She has been really passive/agressive about our break-up since the beginning..real "I hate you-don't leave me " stuff.
I think it is hanging on the the "supply" and she's hurt that I agreed to the divorce so easily. How could I leave someone so special as her?

So a friend pointed out that she is still confused about what she wants. How can I get closure from someone who doesn't have clarity on where they stand.

So that makes it easier to let go and not have a part of me still waiting to get some form of closure from her.

Clarity won't come from someone so dis-ordered.

sallyishere · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 833

Natman

Sounds almost like you are waiting and hoping she will want you. All that matters is where you stand with yourself.

Sally
_________________
Sally

Just when I thought my life was over, it started again.

luvsweeps · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 72 Location: Oklahoma

I have been wanting to get some closure from my N for some time now, although the need is fading .

I was the same way at first. But, after being on these boards I've come to realize there is not going to be any "real" face-to-face/reasonable closure. It has to be done by NC. Now, my urge for closure is also fading.

I keep focused on my goals - mentally and monetary. Knowing that I am making progress in those areas are keeping me going (along with praying to God). The good thing is that when I reach them - he won't be there to bring me down or put me in financial debt. In the long run, I will be the one that is grateful the relationship did not work out!

Theresa13 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 1546 Location: , Ontario

tHE ONLY CLOSURE YOU'LL EVER GET IS DEATH, AND UNTIL THAT TIME COMES, NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY OPTION.....EVER
Always , Theresa
_________________
I've given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can't divorce a book.

disengaging · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 1342

wahela11 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 182 Location: Iowa

Good one, Theresa13!

Closure comes from within our own self. It has nothing to do with the N. They can hoot and holler all they want, and will never seek closure. That is something we need for ourselves and it comes from within.

Closure comes after complete detachment. As we detach and move on with our life, we no longer need "the final say" or closure. We don't need to evaluate and question. Its all been done and over.

wahela
_________________
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, each time, hoping for a different ending

sunny · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 6 Location: Seattle

There is no closure.

They'll never give you closure, because then they can't leave you hanging and spending time wondering and hoping. It's a horrible feeling not to have closure. I am intimately familiar with that state.

Hang in there, it will get better.

sallyishere · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 833

Theresa, I do not agree at all with that. You can have closure once you decide to have closure. It takes time but it happens.

Sally

MiSS NJ · Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 9:34 pm Post subject:

I totally agree with sunny , there is NO CLOSURE, and one must face that ......

with each day it gets easier to find your own personal closure from within......

natman ... you are your own closure .....
letting go is NOT easy but you must for your OWN closure ......

except that there will never be "normal closure" as you know it..

hugs, MiSS NJ

Theresa13 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 1546 Location: , Ontario

I completely agree that closure comes from within, and I do believe it's attainable for oneself..................HOWEVER...................As long as the N's are alive they will be an irritant kinda like a bone spur........they come at the most unexpected times............catch you off guard..............and you have to walk on the edge of your foot for a few days...............or kinda like dragging around a dead corpse (YOUR OWN) as the old you has now died and moved on...........but somedays you feel like your dragging that dead weight around..........I don't know if that makes sense, but that's my take on it..............I WHOLE HEARTEDLY AGREE..........FORGIVNESSS COMES IN TIME.................BUT CLOSURE................... I DON'T KNOW......
Always, Theresa
_________________
I've given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can't divorce a book.

natman2 · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 91

I wrote:
"I have been wanting to get some closure from my N for some time now, although the need is fading."

A little mis-leading. I didn't expect to get it, and was working only on myself, knowing that is the only place I will find the strength I need is inside me.

It was just an intellectual realization that closure can't come from someone who can't find closure for themselves.

femfree · Guest

You will never get closure from a crazy person. So, the thing to do is to devalue and discard your abuser and terminate the relationship (known as interaction, not relationship) yourself.

Closure is an action word - you take the action by closing it.

writergirldreams · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 16

Hi Natman, hope all is well with you. Closure, oh the trouble and heartache I exposed myself and re-exposed myself to seeking closure with N. For as long as I believed that some kind of closure could lovingly and honorably be obtained with N, that was equal to my suffering and continued suffering. Like some algebraic equation. It took a long long time before I learned that this is almost like science, with predictable consequences every single time. Sure, the lead in can look very different, months and years apart, and the hook can look very different, but the result was always the same. Somebody always ended up heartbroken and crying, and it was always me.

If they could give us closure, then they could have given us all the other stuff. This is the little fairy tale we tell ourselves, that some form of closure can be had with them, because the reality of who and what we were dealing with is so very painful and hopeless and wide open.

The best you can hope for is that someday you will find peace with this journey you made with this person, you will see the ways that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will admire your commitment to try and love this person, and yet ask the question why you were willing to love in such a way that was willing to turn against itself, namely you. I continue to work on "closure" Natman. Sometimes I think I have it until he comes sniffing around again and I have to admit it still effects me.

When that happens, I go deep and do not surface until it is safe.

Safe from me.

hugs, wgd

natman2 · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 91

Hi wrtrgurldreams: (spelling on purpose),

Thanks for your always well thought out response.

I am doing very well and experiencing shifts, learning and healing weekly.

It is the journey inside that takes me to wholeness, where my strength resides, no longer hidden or sublimated so as not to disturb the "beast".

Yes, any contact brings up all the issues again. Fortunately my contact is limited to an occasional e-mail about our 2006 taxes.

She just laid out a little bait in the last e-mail about trivial possessions. I plan to ignore her.

Interesting that you go deep when he sniffs.

I lived deep (avoidance coping) early in our relationship...I surface now and try to stay there whatever is happening.

I feel so good about myself now it made the years with N worth it, because it was the lesson that woke me up.

Have no fears for me writer, my futures so bright..... yada yada yada

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1371 Location: Connecticut, USA

Closure is the big issue I've been strugging with for 2 1/2 years. I didn't understand at all until I found this forum. Somehow, it's easier to accept the truth coming from others who have been there than from a therapist.

In my case, I was seeking closure to the abusive events. I thought that if he could just step up and say he was wrong, he was sorry, he sees now what he has done, that he could work on his issues and we could live happily ever after. All I ever got was "I didn't do anything wrong, I'm a good guy." "That was not abusive, it was something that happened between us." "That wasn't assault, it was a struggle between us. " "You're the one abusing me by putting me down." "You're throwing me away."

Whenever I saw a glimmer of hope, like his willingness to enter therapy and statements like, "I know what I did to you and I'm the one who has to live with it the rest of my life", (notice the distinct lack of concern for the affect his abuse had on me), the abuse would only escalate. Boy, was I confused. I was clueless. In the short time I've been learning about NPD, I've come to understand.

It's become much easier to keep my sanity knowing what I know now, what I'm dealing with. I do not expect closure. I do not hope for it. I will not fight for it. I quit. There will never be closure between us. It will only come from within AFTER he's gone from my life. It's actually easier to live with him now that I know this. I'm no longer stuck over and over trying to fix what's not fixable. I have left him emotionally. He cannot push my buttons because he doesn't matter anymore. I guess this is the Devalue part. I'm working on the discard part. It's complicated because we share a business, and there's the kids, who are the main reason I kept trying to hold the relationship together and get him to get help.

I realize that most of you are well beyond this point, and arel dealing with lack of closure for the whole big mess after the fact. I'm sure that's in my future.

I would like to thank everyone involved with site. The more I learn, the more I realize how clueless I was. This site may have saved my life.