Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Theresa13 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 1546 Location: , Ontario

[quote="natman2"]Hi wrtrgurldreams: (spelling on purpose),

Thanks for your always well thought out response.

I am doing very well and experiencing shifts, learning and healing weekly.

It is the journey inside that takes me to wholeness, where my strength resides, no longer hidden or sublimated so as not to disturb the "beast".

Interesting that you go deep when he sniffs.

I lived deep (avoidance coping) early in our relationship...I surface now and try to stay there whatever is happening.

I feel so good about myself now it made the years with N worth it, because it was the lesson that woke me up.

Have no fears for me writer, my futures so bright..... yada yada yada[/quote

Fantastic responses from you both, I can really identify, you certainly have a way with words writer girl.......and Natman I just love "I feel so good about myself ---------it was the lesson that woke me up........
BINGO............. NO PAIN.......NO GAIN.............Thanks, so much for your great posts one and all, very interesting, and sometimes I know what I'm thinking........I just don't know how to put it into words. Always Theresa
_________________
I've given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can't divorce a book.

Lynnezer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 534

I gotta say, I've never looked for closure from the ex. Maybe it's because I dumped him....I don't know what it's like to be on the other side.

Like anything, it takes time. And I know that in time, he will be just a jerk that I once dated. Unfortunately, I'm not a patient person and I'm sick of him being in my head. I want him gone now! I was smart enough to dump him, I CAN dump him completely.

He is not worthy of taking up space in my head. Just not worth it. But I think after this latest break of NC, things are starting to come together.

Cool

Lynnezer
_________________
Ns are equal opportunity offenders. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. Wink

Tryingtohelp2 · Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 44

The day he moved out his things from our home (and, I might add, called his new NS 16 times over the next 3 days --he didn't understand that when the Verizon guy said it would take a couple of days for the bill to be split, IT WOULD TAKE A COUPLE OF DAYS! Dumbass.), a girlfriend of mine came home with me so I wouldn't have to face it alone. God bless her, she took charge. She found a duffel bag she could use and asked me to point out every single thing that reminded me of him in my home. She collected it all and we put it away. I couldn't yet bring myself to throw it all out. Then I moved it to the storage locker in the basement.

My therapist said that in the Jewish faith, the headstone ceremony for a loved one that passed doesn't happen until the one year anniversary of the death. Grieving is expected to take a full year, going through all of the seasons. So, on the one year anniversary, 6 months from today, I'm gonna burn it all. Utterly smash and destroy it all. I'll cry for the last time for the Man He Told Me He Was and the love I GAVE --which was real and deserves to be honored. That man I loved died the day he walked out on me, crying hysterically and screaming "F- You!" like a 12 year old child. He died of some kind of sickness and disease. So, I'm going to mourn him like he's dead, bury him, and give the relationship a mental headstone. I think in 6 more months I'll be ready to do all that.

Just a thought.
Love Brenda

gunnie · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 180

I've come to the realization that the only closure I will ever have is accepting that I will never have closure.

Gunnie

Theresa13 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 1546 Location: , Ontario

Gunnie, I just don't know, but I want to believe that I have what it takes to find that closure............I think we're capable,but it certainly is a long and winding road through hell...........and memories do fade with time, but somehow N memories don't........I've wondered about that a lot and all I can conclude is THE F*&$#NG TRAUMA WAS SO SEVERE, I nearly didn't get out alive...... At my worst I weighed 69lbs (in July 2004- he left in May 04).........I hung by the skin of my teeth, and was held by the GRACE OF GOD. I know that's true cause I'm still here, I'm still NC (since Nov 04), I'm still moving forward, and I can honestly say I have some GREAT DAYS.... It will come ........
but in GOD"S time , not ours. Thinking of you, and hoping you are o.k.
Always, Theresa
_________________
I've given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can't divorce a book.

sag07 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 537 Location: Elgin, IL

Closure, God what I wouldn’t give for closure! Well, I believe closure is different for different folks. Our (the only one that we will ever get) Closure comes from ourselves, I believe that this we all can agree on. So my closure will come when I accept my responsibility for this toxic relationship. And then learn to live with that. Closure for me will come when I can forgive myself and yes forgive her as well. Please let me explain that I am not there yet, and sometimes not even sure if I will ever be there. I do hope so. Because closure will help me move on! So I guess for me closure comes each day and in many different ways...

Sag

writergirldreams · Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 16

Nat, when I said I go deep, what I meant was deep inside me, I get quiet and still, I do not allow my thoughts or triggers to propel me towards action. I allow the thoughts. I consider them. and when I give myself the time to do that, I find clarity to see things in me that make me want to interact with N. Old old stuff, old old brain stuff, I like to call it my "unhealthy familiar."

It would be so easy to dance that dance again, the one I know so well, having to earn love, having to go against myself to have love and intimacy. I know now that this is not required of real and mutual love and respect, but every once in awhile, I have to remind myself that I am enough, just as I am.

I do not consider NC a safe place because I consider N unsafe. I consider NC a safe place because of my responses to N. My responses to N seem as unhealthy or worse than his to me because I am awake, I have a choice, I am not ruled by my impulses. I pray about this, an old post of mine spoke about this, my "Father, Change my Heart" prayer, asking for help in letting go of someone who is not and will never be joined to me. My brain completely gets this. Some days my romantic heart would rather spin my fairy tales than believe I was nothing to him. This is all part of my journey, the one I'm still on.

Some people count days of NC, as if it is a clear indication of where they are in their healing. I do not believe this to be so. I have found the true test of where I am has been the times I have felt the pull towards him and instead chose to let it pass, in kindness towards myself. This may not be "closure" but it has opened the door to whole new ways I look at myself, am kind to myself, and honor myself. This was long overdue for me, and it took nothing less than all his Nness to wake me from my own self hatred.

peace to all, love listening to you think outloud Nat. love, wgd

sallyishere · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 833

Femfree:

Exactly! I cant add more to what you wrote and you summed it all up perfectly.

gunnie · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 180

Holy crap, Theresa!!! 69 lbs?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I thought I had lost too much weight, but even I didn't break 100 lbs! ...How much do you weigh now? How tall are you? My, oh my, that's sooooooo scary!!!!! Glad you made it through the worst of it....

Gunnie

samvaknin · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2186

For her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling pleasantries. More often, the abused are left to wallow in a poisonous stew of misery, self-pity, and self-recrimination.

Depending on the severity, duration, and nature of the abuse, there are three forms of effective closure.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

These may be of help - click on the links:

The Narcissist's Victims

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq38.html

Victim Reactions

http://personalitydisorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/victim_reactions

Mourning the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq68.html

The Three Forms of Closure

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

Back to La-la Land

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal78.html

The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq6.html

Divorcing the Narcissist and the Narcissistic Psychopath - How Do I Get Rid of Him?

http://samvak.tripod.com/5.html

Traumas as Social Interactions

http://samvak.tripod.com/trauma.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily21.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily22.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Recovery and Healing

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily23.html

Surviving the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html

Spousal Abuse and Domestic Violence - Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist, and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily.html

The Cult of the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal79.html

Take care.

Sam

Theresa13 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 1546 Location: , Ontario

Thank you Sam.....Always, Theresa
_________________
I've given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can't divorce a book.

onceavictim · Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 183 Location: MD

Closure with an N has to come from within not as a joint measure. The first part of closure came in the form of a final divorce decree. No contact what so ever helped a lot. My biggest closure has come lately. I have no feelings for her one way or another, and I view her now as not an ex but as a pathetic soul created by her parents (also Ns). My closure is now complete.

sara · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 175 Location: USA

I don't think N's ever really give the other person closure. They need that safeguard of supply (just in case). Even when I thought I had closure, then he would come back. He would always manage to keep some of my belongings (which he still has and I know what I think he should do with them) or he would find a reason (sometimes after a couple of months) to call me.

I needed closure. And the only way I could get closure is no contact. Unfortunately, we work for the same company and we do have to talk about work projects on occassion. But, I have been keeping it totally about work. And of course, he has tried to bring up little things and I have been pretending like I don't even hear what he said. I'm not letting him get any kind of emotional response from me.

hugs,
sara Razz

_________________
"BITCH"
"Babe In Total Control of Herself"
-author Sherry Argov-

jomo20071 · Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 9:01 am Post subject:

Hank · Joined: 13 Jun 2008 Posts: 26