Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Written by our member Trinity38100


Relationships with Narcissists are based on lies, falsehoods and deception. How can we really expect to get any truthful answers from a Narcissist just because the relationship has ended? They cannot turn off their disorder for any moment in their life, so we cannot expect honesty, integrity or truthfulness at any moment from them.

Moreover, if a Narcissist is aware you are seeking closure, they will do everything they can to ensure you don’t get it. When you seek answers from him, he is more likely to make things more confusing and blame you for any failings in the relationship, making the quest for “closure” even more elusive.

On the other hand, if you don't seek answers from the Narcissist, chances are very good he will initiate contact with you at some point. Usually this happens when you are just getting your feet on the ground, see some light at the end of the tunnel, but are still vulnerable. They will act as though nothing ever happened, they did no wrong and can just pick up where they left off with no repercussions whatsoever. Or, you may get a tearful, but meaningless and empty "I've changed, give me another chance" performance.

So, with all of this negative, confusing influence stemming from the Narcissist, contact in any form only breeds more confusion and doubt. Therefore, closure must come from us. That happens when we realize we are done, over with it and decide to get on with our lives. When we stop wondering what might have been, what might have worked, what could have been and why it didn’t work. Acceptance that no amount of effort would have changed the outcome of the relationship. That remaining, continuing to pursue the relationship would have been a dead end, more wasted years. So, maybe closure could just be another word for...acceptance?

Acceptance that you will never have answers because they wouldn’t be honest and trustworthy answers anyway. Acceptance that you cannot change a person who doesn’t want to change or cannot change. Acceptance that you don’t have the ability or power to love anyone through a disorder; that this is not your responsibility and never has been. Acceptance that that chapter of your life is over and it is okay, even good, to turn the page and let go.

Acceptance that life is short and is meant to be embraced; life is meant to be lived in joy not in pain, suffering, confusion, shame and guilt that doesn’t belong to us and never did.

So, it all comes back, full circle, once again to each of us. To close the door on what was and to open a new door on what can be and step through it.

To close: closure.

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

Dr Sam on 3 types of closure.