Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

[windinthetrees]

Joined: 06 Mar 2007
Posts: 14

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:55 pm Post subject: what do yo think of this-help- I feel dread and doubt coming

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My MIL is has many N characteristics I can't go so far as to "diagnose" her b/c who am I to do that? But there is history and patterns to her behavior to say the least.
OK, last night my husband comes home and says "I talked to my mom about the birthday weekend"--ok, first off some history on ph. patterns with her. She only talks to my husband about plans, ideas, important things as she and I don't have that kind of relationship. I've tried, but she brushes me off or disregards me. She really on respects my husband's ideas or whatever. She'd say our lack of rela. it is my fault, I'd say it began back when we became engaged. She changed and started doing and saying all kinds of rejecting things. One example of thousands, is she would call and my husband would leave the room and talk w/ her for an hour.(she had a hard time letting him "go" he got married)
Anyway, i had asked her one time about this upcoming birthday weekend and she cut me off and said she "hadn't thought about it yet b/c she is SO busy" (she gets her N supply from being in everyone elses business). Well, she basically "asked" my husband if they could watch the kids one night, do birhtday cake etc., the next night and do church on Sunday. Sounds innocent enough. She then proceeds to "ask" my husband if she can buy the boys' outfits for the baptism (5 months from now!) When given an inch she takes a mile. Background: she has purchased very expensive clothes for my kids w/o asking inthe past conveniently right around holidays so I feel gulity and think they have to wear it. Now, I told my husband "NO" this time --I would take care of the outfits. Background: One time when she was "babysitting" my neice and my son, she dressed them up in clothes from my husband's childhood and took photos of them. I think that is a bit strange. So I fear she will do this again when she "babysits" in two weeks. I am starting to feel she wants time alone wi them b/c she is pretending they are her boys. I am just freaked out.
And i am mad b/c my husband and I got into it last night--I was frustrated b/c he ALWAYS leaves things up to me--you'd think this is a good thing--but his mom knows this and so if I decide against her wishes, she can only blame me! He stays neutral on purpose. I just wish he would have said to her--Mom I think my wife has it under control, but thanks.

i can't seem to get out of this pattern of reacting to her. I think a lot has to do w/ the fact that my husband doesn't see her ways. so I am mad at him too! It is ruining our rela. and I have been working so hard on dealing w/ the effects of having a N dad, that i seem to set myself back 10 steps when these kind of interactions take place. I end up apologizing!

How can I know if she has N intentions or if I am just losing it. There is so much history, so many examples of bizarre situations and comments and so many times she has pissed me off, hurt me or whatever. She is master of flipping things around and she is SO subtle in her ways that THAT is her safety net I believe to get away with stuff. Everything she says and does feels very planned out to me. Like she has an agenda. HELP! Comments! I feel panic coming on--I have to see her in two weeks. I thought I had come so far!

[sheenie2000]

well is this just for a weekend?

you can handle one day. you will be ok. do NOT allow one little day to consume you.

whatever happens, even if you get in a fight, get upset, are hurt or whatever, you will be ok.

can you ask your husband what his expectations are of you with his mom? what does he expect from you? does he expect you to obey her and listen to her or is he ok with you ignoring her?

maybe from there you can figure out what to do.
_________________
"Happiness is not an accident. Nor is it something you wish for. Happiness is something you design." - Jim Rohn

[windinthetrees]

hi,
this is for a weekend. i have never posed that question to my hubby. maybe i will. he stays pretty neutral. i have to remember i will be ok. thanks.

[thayilflies]

Narcissist or not, she sounds like a manipulator and a liar. If your rights are being violated, you should be annoyed. This is a healthy response. If dealing with her is inevitable then be unemotional and don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain). Good luck.

[Riccy101]

Hi Windinthetrees.

My husband and I used to discuss our dislike of getting together with his family because they were very controlling and dysfunctional. Yet when the time came and one of them suggested we get together, my husband would always answer, o.k. but let me ask my wife (insert name here) first. This would always leave me the bad guy if the answer came back "no". We got into many strong discussions over it. He seemed so intimidated by his family. In reality he was just a "pleaser". He learned to always seem happy and accommodating in order to make up for general unhappiness within his home.

It took several years of marriage before he got used to the fact that his family was myself and our children. A life time of brainwashing can not be undone in a day. I just had to keep following through with not letting him make me the fall guy.

Your mother in law sounds very needy. I don't know what it is about N mothers that make them think of their sons as substitute husbands. I guess because they think they own them and are entitled to it. Maybe some of the men in this group could shed some light on it for us. My NM certainly looked at my brother that way. It was nothing sexual, but it was weird.

It's time for your husband to get educated about what is going on between him and your MIL. If he doesn't pull his head out of the sand, it is going to cause irreparable harm to your relationship and to your children. Perhaps you could save some time to talk to him about it and perhaps show him some literature about N'sm. Even though your MIL hasn't been diagnosed, you know she has some serious issues. Most personality disorders involve N'sm as part of the problem. She certainly sounds like it. I have printed out posts and let my husband read them, because he's never sit down and read a book on it. I've also just told him some of the things I've learned. I would let him know the way it makes you feel when your MIL treats you that way. If the shoe was on the other foot and he had to deal with your NF, I wonder how he would like it?

I'd be interested in knowing how things go...

Riccy

[oaktree]

Hi wind, I had a similar situation with my MIL. Sounds like your husband has a hard time standing up to his manipulative mother. How does he feel about how she does things? Is he okay with that? Does he look at it in a different way? If you can find out talking privately how he looks at it without either of you getting mad (I know its hard when you see her for what she is) maybe he will open up more to you about his feelings towards her and her domineering ways.

You are right in looking at this as more than the upcoming visit. This is something that could tear your marriage apart and probably neither you or your husband want that. If I were able to do things over again, I would have sought marriage counseling right after our first son was born, because it could have helped my husband decide how he really DID feel about decisions regarding the kids and the grandparents, and then he and I could have made compromises/joint decisions in a more rational way. It was a big source of conflict between us and life could have just been easier had we dealt with it at the time.

The thing with dressing the kids in the clothes her children wore maybe was harmless but I experienced stuff like that too and the hair stood up on my neck when I read this. When she did stuff like this, it was a big red flag that my husband had not separated from his mother. She used to criticize every thing I did with the first child and my husband would not stand up to her. Neither HE or my first child could do ANYTHING wrong in her eyes and she made me out to be the bad parent as I ended up having to do all the discipline. My husband was afraid to contradict her. I had to stand up to her and I paid the price. My husband eventually learned to stand up to her (and his father too), but the middle name of that family was CODEPENDENT and that continued until she passed away.

One thing that helped is that I made sure after about 5 years of this that we lived far, far away. :>)

Hang in there and try to stay calm. If he wont go to marriage counseling--I suggest YOU go--if for no other reason than to get some support. Hugs
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama

[sheenie2000]

i believe it's up to the man to manage the relationship b/w the wife and his mother. but unfortunately sons of an N are brainwashed into doing whatever the mom pleases. they dont step up to the plate.

have you told him some of the hurtful things that have been done to you, how it's made you feel? does he know how scared you are and how panicky you are about his mom?

i hope eventually he'll see it thru your eyes.

in my brother's case, my mom died and he was still at her feet doing everything for her. just dying for her acceptance and love. it was very draining for my SIL to deal with. (my brother knew about her being an N also). i hope ur husband will eventually wake up.
_________________
"Happiness is not an accident. Nor is it something you wish for. Happiness is something you design." - Jim Rohn

[windinthetrees]

Thanks everybody for your support. It should be an eventful weekend to say the least and I DO want to run for the hills in the opposite direction believe me. I feel like I am the only sane one , but they would all have you believe otherwise. Anyway, my husband does please them and b/c my MIL has to keep up her image, she does just enough under the radar so that she could easily flip everything around if one were to call her on anything. Or she will cry. Did I mention she is histrionic?

I am in therapy and do have support there . The only positive I can think of as to why I was handed these in laws is that they have opened my eyes to dealing with my own N father and passive, alcoholic mother.

I'll keep you posted ; thanks for your kind words.

[oaktree]

wind, thinking of you and MIL.

you wrote "i can't seem to get out of this pattern of reacting to her."

I totally understand this statement.

my t said to try to imagine yourself with a big bubble around you that she cant penetrate, or imagine her with no clothes on, or if all else fails, leave the room and go for a walk or something and shake her off.

if you let her know she is getting to you it is just like feeding her caviar.

think you said its in two weeks, so that would be this coming weekend, right?
just know we are thinking of you and are supporting you. hang in there.
_________________
Once You Have Been Bitten By A Snake, You Are Very Cautious, Even Of A Coiled Rope.

The Dalai Lama