Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Hi-I left stbxnh after almost 6 years this summer. But he really was a disaster from the MINUTE I married him. Now as I look back on it I get so disappointed in myself. I had so much going for me, I knew it was wrong what was going on as soon as it started, I knew he was acting crazy, and I just stuck it out because I kept on wondering where my FANTASTIC boyfriend went and when he was going to come back, and I was SO EMBARASSED. I didn't know what to do, how to tell family, coworkers, etc. I felt like a big fool and, of course, I had hope. Anyway, I'm proud of myself for what I did (injunction, he can't come back to house, getting divorced etc. etc). And in a lot of ways I'm one of the fortunate ones who got to spring it on them.. like "Oh ya! surprise A**hole!" "how ya like them apples!" (not that I wasn't terrified at the time), but really to him I stabbed him in the back by getting the injunction and filing for divorce in what he considered... totally out of the blue. So I guess that is kind of rewarding (?) in a weird way--but in no way evens the field or changes how bad I feel.

Anyway, I just wish I could stop feeling sorry for the "me" of 6 years ago and wishing I had been stronger, less kind, whatever you want to call it and told that SOB to go stuff himself as soon as he went crazy--newlyweds or not. Of course, my brain tells me there was no way I would have done any different because I was in love yada yada. But I just can't shake this mini pity party I'm having for my old self--like you would for a friend almost--like "Poor her! What was she thinking? Too bad she couldn't have saved herself all this aggravation. She knew better..etc. etc." I hope it is just part of healing, but I'm tired of feeling kinda sorry for myself--It's like I'm not mad at me, I just think I'm kinda pathetic (the old me 6 years ago that is) I was so ashamed and it stopped me from doing what I knew was right. Anybody btdt? Now I'm gearing up for divorce fight and custody battle. I've done everything right generally since the summer and I have no desire to reconcile (though--astoundingly--he did ask). So that is all good. And these boards are a godsend. Really. Thanks everyone. Can anybody relate to this?

See yada-

I think we can all relate. I too spent a lot of time beating myself up over my stupid choice. I could see the red flags, but I didn't want to per a perfectionist, saw myself as compromising, and of course I am loyal....
Looking back I ask myself what was I thinking.
I was D & D and found myself bemoaning my situation about how I was used (and how I let myself be used- how could i be so stupid ---) - to an ex bf (not an N) who got reassigned to work with me. ( We won't go into my cosmic disasters with dating) He put it best:

You're a strong person to get this far in life. Why were you letting some pathetic person who has to lie about having an Assoc degree make you feel bad about yourself? Your trait of loyalty is to be admired. He misused it. Everyone makes a bad decision now and then. Don't make another bad decision by letting him continue to drag you down.

It was good advice. He used your loyalty and trust against you. Be thankful you are on your way out. You gave him your best which speaks good of your traits. The world of stories are full of women in love who do stupid things. That is not unique so don't beat yourself up. Stick it to him by living a positive and happy life without him.

Good luck and (((hugs))))

Seeya, you did good!!!!!! Many of us have been fooled by the N/P's because they are SUCH good actors, and they prey upon our kindness, etc.I went through the same thing of looking back and being amazed that I ignored numerous red flags, but still married the loser I married, stayed with 10 long miserable years, had children by him. (shudder) At least we know better now and won't be taken in again! You're a smart, brave person, and it's good to see you taking care of you. ((((Seeya)))))

Starting over wrote:See yada-

Your trait of loyalty is to be admired. He misused it. Everyone makes a bad decision now and then. Don't make another bad decision by letting him continue to drag you down.
and ...
The world of stories are full of women in love who do stupid things.

Thanks for these :) The first one made me feel better and the second one made me laugh. You're right, I'm not alone and not the first. But especially I won't let him drag me down. I read somewhere that the N's ultimate victory is if you never love or trust again... that I have already committed won't happen to me. So maybe I just need to get on with it and not let him drag me down. Look at these feelings as him still having influence.. that should help.

Also "Seeya, you did good!!!!!! "

This made me feel so happy. I guess I just don't have many/anybody telling me this right now. My sister is too caught up in helping me with the day to day divorce/custody stuff to give a pat on the back. It certainly helps to hear that from an objective person!! Thanks for helping me to feel better! I think I can try to move past this a bit now. Maybe I needed somebody else to feel sorry for me so I could stop ???? either way--THANKS!

Hi Seeyadada

Like the way you cut off his chance of screwing with you by getting an injunction. Your story is one of those that makes me chuckle. Just like that, he couldn't come home and being served at work - I would have paid to see his reaction. What to do, where to go, who to tell - hell what about a change of clothes. Some proper justice at last, the N being denied a chance to return to his lair. There is nothing N's hate more than having their domestic madness displayed for all to see and of course losing control in the ending of a relationship.

You have done great to have cut him loose just after six years, you could have wasted twenty years trying to manage the situation and hold on in the hope that this man would finally appreciate what he had. My exNH working away gave the kids and I respite from dealing with him and we were caught up in the highs when he returned, then the lows once he settled back in. We would then have relief when he left again followed by highs and contentment when we were left on our own. Compounded by being manipulated by him and fears of starting over, you can see how easy it is, to clock up two decades with an emotional and psychological parasite. I didn't find out about Ns until I had left him, so everything I did to get free of him was being driven by my need to get him out of our lives.

Pity party moments are part of the course of dealing with escaping from an N. The fact that you are still in the divorce and custody arrangements process will make it all feel particularly painful. Keep remembering that you never again have to have that man in your living space or put up with him treating you like dirt. You are on the home stretch - it will be over soon.

PS: It might not seem like it right now but you have gained invaluable self preserving skills from getting him out of your life that will stand you in good stead in future situations.

Survivor15 wrote:Keep remembering that you never again have to have that man in your living space or put up with him treating you like dirt.

ah yes.. this, the sweetest taste of life you can get. I DO forget that. I really do. I empathize with your story of 20 years. It could easily have turned into that and I was getting quite adept at avoiding him when he was home. But I got lucky because a few crazy things all came together at the right time. I still feel really mad a lot of the time, and today he is having his first 8 hour visit with her (unsupervised). The only thing that makes me feel better about that is to call him "My Free Babysitter". That's working so far. I hate him for wasting everyone's time. He shouldn't have bothered -- this was never going to work. And he blames everyone but himself for what happened. It's crazy. When I think about how many times he hurt me emotionally though his words and actions--and how I became immune to his insults and b-s. Then I started berating him and making fun of him as a way to stand up for myself.. I left him about 3 weeks after that happened because I said to myself "Oh my God! I've lowered to his level!!" I'm happy to be back being happy me, and the less time and space he gets in my brain the better. I'll get there.

I'm feeling the same way lately - really disappointed and ashamed at myself for letting my life get so out of hand. I had a great life. XN came storming into it and now I have nothing. Not that I did anything "bad" per se, I was an angel to him. My only excuse is that I loved someone with every ounce of my being and put our "relationhip" first. Big joke that was. He had nothing to lose.
I have no doubt that I will bounce back to a much better place than I started, but it is all finally hitting me. I hear it is merely part of the process. You will come back better an stronger!

seeyadada wrote: And he blames everyone but himself for what happened.

Don't get me started on Ns and their blame projection. Nothing is ever their fault, ever. If an N admits fault then it is most likely necessary to continue getting N supply. My exNH was the sort of person who would run you over and blame you for standing in the way of the car.

The worst thing for those of us who had the misfortune to be legally bound to these creatures, is the fact that, we can never really get legal justice as you would if some stranger had taken it upon themselves to terrorise you, the way your N had done during the course of the marriage. They can be held to account for the physical assaults but not for their prolonged and sustained soul destroying campaign. At least a stranger or someone who is not your spouse can be accused of being a stalker and of harrassing you but not your own NH.

Getting free of "sleeping with the enemy" is our biggest form of justice. We were the hunted and sharing a bed with the predator. My exNH fought like mad to retain his power but in the end once the legal process ended the marriage, we were running free and there was nothing he could do about that. The man was fighting to protect his carefully cultivated public image. It had nothing to do with wanting to keep his family together, it was all about not looking a fool because his wife and children had left him - the Mr wonderful. They blame because they can't deal with what they are - seriously messed up.