Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1513

Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation

Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl

1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.

2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

3. Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!

4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.

5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.

6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!

7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

SOURCE: http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm

My goodness how all of these sound SO very familiar.

loux
_________________
Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is the strongest and the best. Light is the symbol of truth. Give light, & the darkness will disappear of itself.

~ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

rebuilding · Joined: 07 Apr 2008 Posts: 33

Thanks for a good read loux! And yes, all too familiar.

samvaknin · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2186

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

That list is like a resume of my XN's personality traits in relationship with me. I can't believe I wasted so much time and energy trying to point out to him how he always as in ALWAYS blamed me for his inappropriate behavior. Even if the blaming me was to just bring up how I'd "ruined his day" by approaching him on something that he had DONE WRONG. Masterful at twisting and getting ME to ultimately apologize for HIS bad behavior! Amazing. He would at times admit he was doing this, then laugh and say something like "now you're getting it!".

SICK SICK SICK!!!!

nemesis · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 535

Emotional manipulation?

I remember a time when my N had been away on business for many months. I took care of all his personal and business affairs including looking after his relatives. When N returned he was quite pleased with everything. He made me supper and poured me red wine. Then we settled down infront of the TV to watch our favourite show. As I snuggled up to him, he muttered under his breath, "Good little doggie." At first I thought it was something he saw on TV, but I had been watching the same thing as he had and there was no reference to dogs anywhere. Then it dawned on me, he was talking to ME!

After he had made dinner and fed me he commented that he was angry about something someone said I had said. I hadn't done what he was talking about. N said he has been too soft on me in the past (he had been too soft? I remembered one of his rages where I got shingles as a result almost died) now he was going to punish me. And like a good doggie he expected me to be contrite and to lick his hands afterwards.

I think that goes beyond emotional manipulation, it is more like training, good doggie gets food and wine, bad doggie gets punished. Sometimes he is not sure which one I am.

Postscript: All I ever wanted was to love this man and make him happy. How can a human relationship get to this level?

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

BF Skinner coined a phrase called "intermittent reinforcement". Something about lab rats being more motivated to go for the cheese when it was intermittently available vs. available all the time--in an almost obsessive/addictve way!

These types of people (N's) are masterful at that...do just enough (and they know just what to do) to get you to drop your defenses and feel comfortable and cozy, then go in for the kill! Of course I think on some level they can't tolerate your comfort and the intimacy so they HAVE to sabotage it. I know it's also about control and always, in every circumstance, feeling ON TOP which means someone has to be beneath them.

In my last (ever) experience with my X, he took me out for a fabulous meal, paid for everything without question, we walked around this cozy area of town as it was so nice outside ("let's just see what little places we can stumble in to") and was so charming and solicitous, I started to fall under his spell again. RIGHT when he got me there, he started in explaining the reasons he cheated on me being that I "had no concept of the joy of giving" sexually. That I needed to learn, like the woman who "services" him does to focus 100% on his sexual gratification with NO, as in ZERO expectation of ever getting anything in return. And that if I could learn this as I am so "f'd up" (yes he used that term to my face) and would sabotage every relationship in my future if I didn't, then I could "salvage" our relationship.

Remember: I had ended things WITH HIM a month prior due to his cheating and lies upon lies. And this was his answer to all of that! But he plied me w/ drinks all night (every time I went to the bathroom , he had another drink waiting for me), took me out for this romantic evening, compliments the whole nine yards. It was nothign more than a BIG SET UP!

A nomal person won't really see this coming until it's happened to you either too many times or in one really big way with someone like this. There is no "seeing the best" in them. They are giving you their best and it's HELL.

The best moment of my relationship with this man was the one where I walked away for good. And it's important to not feel one iota guilty for that. These people NEED abandoning. Period.

motwgk · Joined: 19 Feb 2008 Posts: 53

That was so good, and right on target. I copied it into my notebook, so I can refer to it often. Thanks for sharing.

tattooedscarlett · Joined: 03 Apr 2008 Posts: 30

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knoxy · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 974

You always provide the best information, Loux. I shared this with my other board as well (and credited you). Thank you so much.

xoxox

nancylexus · Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 183

Dear Loux,
Once again an excellent post. You are so resourceful and know exactly what we need on this board to aid our recovery.
Thank you for your time to post this very good advice.
Loux, I was doing well and slipped in the last 2 weeks, still NC with him, but had contact by proxy with wife, on work related matter and one thing lead to another and some talk came up about OW and I was once again devastated. I am not obsessing about it - there is something I want to seek your advice as you have had experience in facing the OW. Is there a email to contact you, my email is with Lukky, if so please pass your email to Lukky and then with her permission we can talk more. Don't worry I will not bother you with any obsession, I am past that stage, I want advice on self preservation.
Thank you
N

Pegasus123 · Joined: 14 Apr 2008 Posts: 17

Yeah thanks Loux, back up at the top of the forum is a good place for it.
It brings back those haunting memories and every word so true. Just another stark reminder of the hell I left behind, never ever again!

louxloux · Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 1513

nancylexus · Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 183

dear Loux,
Thank you. I will wait for your email.
It seems that N's OW is a hooker and he tries to show her in society as a nomal respectable lady with class and style. This is not my problem, I don't care if he is with 1 or 10 hookers, the reason I want to talk to you is that this jerk N is planning to bring this hooker to one of our medical meetings, (wife said so, but she is not sure).
At the meeting N and I are chairng a symposium and if this hooker is going to be there - I don;t know what will happen to me.
I thought he would at least not thrust her in front of me when he knows it will hurt me. but the mere fact that he even considered bringing her to the meeting - has pushed me back to misery. this was the last seminar he and I had committed to do together (2 years ago), still he thought of displaying her and hurting me right in front of everyone. will write more n the email. I know you have been burnt by OW, so want to seek your opinion to gain strength to fight the jerk.

thank you Loux.
N

freenhealing · Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 60

Nancy,

I know your question wasn't directed at me, but I'd like to respond. The good news is you won't be blindsided with this dog and pony show. Obviously he is doing this TO get your goat, combined with his deluded notion that parading a hooker in front of professional colleagues will somehow make him appear *better* in some way. It makes him look pathetic and as he is...someone who has to pay someone to pretend to want to be with him.

I say start making your own game plan NOW and the more you can create an environment within and around you where there is ZERO reactivity to this charade, the better. Like doing the "no contact rule" in person. Ignore him, make no eye contact, make no mention of him to anyone else. If someone asks you "did you see _____ with _____?" fake it and say "oh, no, not him again--I'm just so past all of that" and go right back to talkign about whatever topic interests YOU. If HE approaches you, I think you are entitled, in this circumstance, to turn right around and dismiss him like you didn't even see him. Or something like "excuse me, I'm needing to go to the restroom now" in a very calm, detached way with a smile even better.

Beat this sucker at his own game. Take an attitude of superiority with you, look down on him even if you are adopting a *persona* to do it. I think you will feel like a million bucks being in a situation like this without him being able to destabilize you one bit. In a way, it's an opportunity for you to elevate yourself like no other.

Hope some of this is making sense...he's a pathetic worm and the more YOU see him as that, the more the rest of that room will. Bank on it!

nancylexus · Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 183

Thank you Free.
Your comments and advice are most welcome and very useful. The thing is in the seminar he and I will be on the podium seats chairing the seminar, taking questions frm audience etc. this does not bother me as I may be sitting next to him but I have to face the audience.
My worry is that he may plant the hooker in the audience front row to stare at him and marvel him and that will burn me. It seems he is not paying her in cash for her time, he takes her on expensive holidays, 5 star hotels, meals, flowers etc. she in turn thinks he is the love of her life, so they are going to show to the world that they are "the pair".
I do feel people will see thru the hooker, but N thinks he is gong to burn everyone with jealousy by being "the man" of the meeting.
Thank you again Free for your valued advice.
I agree this is a chance for me to rise above him and show him my strength.
Regards
N