Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Smilin Fyodor · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 110

Got to vent some steam here. First, a quick recap. Have an Nmother and inverted N father (means he has always been victims of N to the point where he becomes their instrument and can display N type self hatred and destructive behaviors. can also -- on rare occasions -- become a real, loving, and caring person). Went NC with these people almost 2 years ago shortly after my eyes suddenly opened to my Nmother. I was in my mid 30's, and she stamped her foot and told me that I would do what she says. For the first time, I recognized that they might not be very adult behavior and I resisted setting off a firestorm tirade that led to NC. My children were 3 and almost 1 at the time.

About 4 months after NC, an envelope with all of the intervening holiday cards shows up in my mailbox with my mother's over perfect penmanship pretending nothing was wrong. I sent it back. About 10 months after NC, an envelope shows up with stacks of family (extended) and baby pictures shows up. I kept it, but did not respond. If I do, she'll eventually ask for them back by telling me its her family, not mine.

Yesterday morning, my daughter (now almost 5) were walking out the front door, and two Easter baskets wrapped in trash bags were sitting on the door step with a Jesus video (Nmother is of the religious type N) in between. My first reaction (typical ACON) was a general numb/no emotion. I knew better than to leave it at that. As the baskets were not easily recognizable as being such, I was able to stuff them out of the way without upsetting my daughter. That gave me time so I can choose what to do with my wife.

Now I'm mad. First of all, they're crazy stalkers. We moved since NC and while we didn't keep anything unlisted, they still come to our house uninvited. I could give a whole history of their stalking behavior which includes scouring court records to see if there's anything about me and then letting me know, following my sister around and barging into her apartment when they didn't like whom she was dating (she was 30 at the time). The baskets on the porch are another violation -- another message that I am their property.

I also must make a decision for my children, but I signed up for that willingly. But I'm mad because my own parents are the cause for this tough decision. They should have helped, not hurt, in the process. I'm happy because I have grown enough to realize that I don't have to make this particular decision perfectly -- that feeling out the process of how and when to address the situation of grandparents to my children will evolve and I'm not expected to know all of the answers. But I'm mad because they continue to make it a problem.

Finally, I'm royally pissed off about the contents of the damned baskets. [for those of you who rely strongly on your Christian faith, please understand that I'm railing against a mis-use of that faith -- and i also don't hate grandparents] Why has it become the role of so many grandparents to try and usurp the parents?! Why are they buying easter presents and playing Santa Claus? Stop IT!!! You're the grandparents which ought to provide this wonderful and exciting role of mentoring and creatively spoiling your grandchildren -- not using your life's savings and unimpeded income to try and compete with your children for the affections of your grandchildren.

And why the damned Jesus video placed just so to face the door as I opened it?! It's kind of like beating the hell out of someone with a Louisville slugger and then ensuring that the same bat shows up on the victim's door step long after you're in jail. And why more candy?! (she only gave us carob raisins because she didn't want us having candy) And why the stupid angel pins?! They must be falling down on the job if they let strangers on my porch.

Of course, these are rhetorical questions. I know why. To manipulate me, and it still partially works because it made me mad. But it only partially works because just typing this has made me feel a lot better.

There's a Bob Dylan song (on 'Oh Mercy' from the mid 80's) called "Most of the Time". In it, he sings of being over someone to the point of not caring, but only 'most of the time.' amen, bob.

wownowfree · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 255

Smilin,

I have a stalker Nmom, so I know how frustrating that can be. They always manage to give the appearance to outsiders as being "caring" grandparents who just want to see their grandkids. Bull! The grandkids are just one more tool for manipulation. Like you said it's about possession. It's this 6 year old mentality like "ha, ha, I can contact you and you can't do anything about it." We actually can, if we want to, involve authorities and get them out of our lives for good. I think Amy wrote about doing that with her mother with a notary letter and never heard from her again. Most of their contact is more of an annoyance than anything else. I too have the same. It's not bad enough to take extreme measures, because I don't want to upset my kids.

It's not so much the little gifts, cards and phone calls, it's the randomness of it which keeps us in stealth mode and prevents us from enjoying our lives fully.

I've already decided that if Nmom leaves another message on my phone next month for my son's birthday, I will get call block and block her calls, or perhaps get a new phone number.

For me it helps to have a plan, like if she does this, I'll respond like this. For example if she ever shows up at my door for any reason I will not let her in and I will phone the police. I don't respond to any cards or gifts in the mail. But, like you, I'm getting tired of the gifts and cards.

I don't know the answer to deal with these sick people. I guess try not to let them get to us is the best revenge.

wownowfree

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Hi....I understand you being upset. I have not had to deal with that yet, my children are grown. However, we are expecting the first grandchild and I know that this will be a way for them to try. Sorry you both have to put up with that.
I am learning that by coming here with that stuff, it helps to let it out.

Hope you both had a good day,
justmee

Riccy101 · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 287

Hi Smilin Fyoder,

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 367

Hi, all. You know this subject is near and dear to my heart. Grandparents, it's silly to think that buying gifts will make it all better, they're the best grandparents on earth, "see I bought my granddaughter this" My NM buys gifts unequal among my 3, my daughter gets the most, the middle get less, and the last one, well, he got diapers for Christmas (not kidding).
I am going to put return to sender on all future pkgs, makes me feel in control of the situtation. Perhaps, I'll even have a talk with the mail carrier, we don't accept pkgs from this address... I hope the NPs never come to my door, thankfully, they live only 5 hours away, she doesn't like to travel, she came last May after not visiting for 3 years, so not likely. As far as the Jesus video, give me a break, they need to watch that one! Low blow, my NM is a active member of the prayer group just for the gossip material, she prays for things SHE wants to happen, just like a small child. Hang in there, please post your thoughts on what to tell the kids, help them thorough this process.
On another note, I'm very stressed, my depression is about the same, but now something is wrong with my liver, getting labs/ultrasounds and the baby is getting ear tubes placed in the morning. Of course, no family support, sometimes I want to call her and say, oh, you'd like to help? Her reply: "have to take care of NF, feed her dogs, luncheon plans, volunteer work at the hospital.... Sorry, had to get that out, think good thoughts/prayers for tomorrow that I can be strong.

Smilin Fyodor · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 110

Wow, thank you all for your replies. You can see that by the end of my posting, I had come to a place of confidence, but I was so glad to have your verbal support.

At this point, my wife has helped me dispose of the gifts, and at 2 and 4, I've decided to say nothing to my children who (as you can guess by their ages) Easter has become ancient history. I know that I will one day face the subject of what to do with contact re: my parents.

I had a long talk with my sister last night. She still maintains limited contact with my Nmother, but currently she has my Nmother on "phone and email restriction" (as she calls it) based on two things: 1) My sister's wedding anniversiary was last week, and my Nmother left a voice mail with happy wishes amounting to "I would send you a gift, but you say you never get them." and 2) she left a long voice mail on Easter fishing to see if my sister had heard from me about left baskets. In my sister's eyes, neither voice mail involved any resemblance to wanting to actually have a two-way conversation so she has placed my Nmother on restriction. It makes me laugh and applaud my sister for putting this twist on parenting the parents.

I have one follow up question (and Riccy seems to have some experience here). My wife and I are a little unsure about how to deal with when and how to discuss with children. I know that a lot will come by gut reaction and feel, but my sister expresses one regret about my paternal grandmother. While I know, and took time to know last year (in the last year of my grandmother's life) first hand that she was ultimately a royal bitch of an Nmother herself (whose cycle my father continued my marrying an N himself), my sister says that while she suspects so, she resents my Nmother for never giving her (my sister) a chance to make up her mind for herself. I know, I know, twisted stuff that an Nmother was 'protecting' us from another N (though none of us would use the 'N' terminology). So has anyone (including Riccy) gotten any feedback from children regarding this mess as the children age and gain consciousness of themselves as adults. Perhaps, I'm thinking way too far in the future when my kids are 2 and 4, the day is sunny, and they want to go to the park. So for now, I'll go to the park, and check back later.

WLW: hope all goes well on the morrow. Can only send the good wishes and the good joojoos (as my wife likes to say) your way.

justmee · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 692

Glad that you are doing better today. I am sure Riccy can answer youre ?, she has so much knowledge.
I do the same thing you and sister do. My brother and I talk but nobody else knows this, otherwards he is harassed as to what did she say.

My kids grew up around my parents. WHen they finally found out that I am no longer having anything to do with them, they asked, what took so long. I told them that they can have a relationship with the grandparents even though I am not. The answer they gave me, no thanks. I realize now that the kids are older, they have been hurt also....

Rambling here, have fun at the park,

justmee

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 367

Thanks for the jojo, baby did great, he is already smiling and feeling much better, this has improved my outlook and hopefully my sleep. We have battled 3 months of ear infections, so I'm so ready for a break and a happy baby! On to the my medical issues, I will keep you all updated.
As for the kids, I can't really emotionally afford to have my kids around the NPs, especially with NF's illegal activity, it's not even going to be an option, I'll take it as it comes and you all will be here to help guide me along.... Take care...

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

I have no advice but that was a highly entertaining vent, 10/10.