Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Here are the lyrics from the Pearl Jam song "Daughter." In observance of mother's day, I don't want to forget why I am NC. I've always loved this song and the lyrics -- even way before I knew anything about NPD. I heard Pearl Jam play it at an outdoor concert in California about 12 years ago. I heard those lyrics -- Don't Call Me Daughter -- and knew that was what I wanted to say to NM. Here they are:

Alone...listless...breakfast table in an otherwise empty room
Young girl...violins...center of her own attention
The mother reads aloud child tries to understand it
Tries to make her proud

The shades go down it's in her head
Painted room...can't deny there's something wrong...

Don't call me daughter not fit to
The picture kept will remind me
Don't call me daughter not fit to
The picture kept will remind me
Don't call me...

She holds the hand that holds her down
She will...rise above

Don't call me daughter, not fit to
The picture kept will remind me
Don't call me daughter, not fit to be
The picture kept will remind me
Don't call me...

The shades go down
The shades go, go, go...

Smilin Fyodor · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 110

Applause! Applause! Applause!!

I'm a son, but I can't tell you how often I think of that particular song!!!

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Thanks Smilin! Hope you had a good day.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

I love "Daughter" - I have a certain affection for the whole Grunge movement in Seattle in the 80s and 90s. Pearl Jam are a fantastic band and Daughter is a personal favourite song of mine. Eddie Vedder is a great lyricist and a lovely person and a fine example to the kids.

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

I just listened to it -- Eddie and PJ are awesome. Some of the lyrics are slightly different in the song than on the CD jacket. The part that says: "She will rise" is actually "She will rise above it" when Eddie sings it. We will rise above it. Together, we will.

Also -- another very strong part is the line that goes: "DON'T CALL ME."

He sings it so powerfully. This is the NC anthem -- I recommend it.

A personal mushy story about this song. When I heard PJ play it, it was at one of those "Bridge School Benefit" concerts led by Neil Young, whose son is a special needs kid and goes to that school. Anyway, I was just starting to date a very nice guy -- let's call him PJFan. The crowd was waiting and waiting for the other bands to finish, and finally PJ came out. And they played entirely acoustic. And when they played "Daughter," it was so moving, it spoke to me so much. And I think I was falling in love with PJFan. I think I was. And now I'm married to him. Before we got really serious, I sat down and told him about my dysfunctional family. I thought, if we're going to be together, I need to see how he will react to and handle my crazy background. He was so good, so understanding. He has continued to stand by me through all of this. We have been through a lot together -- SeekingSerenity and PJFan. We have no secrets.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

Very sweet story SeekingSerenity. The lines that stand out for me are these:

As the lonely afraid suppressed child:
"The mother reads aloud child tries to understand it
Tries to make her proud"
"She holds the hand that holds her down"

And then the revelation and after:
"The shades go down it's in her head"
"Don't call me daughter, not fit to"

I know little about Eddie Vedder's life but I saw a Rolling Stone cover about twelve months ago that read "Eddie's Personal Hell" so I would not be at all suprised if he was singing about his own experience.

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

Cricket · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 113

Ahh, Pearl Jam. I used to wear flannel shirts and throw myself bodily into a crowd of other people throwing themselves bodily into me. Back in the day, it was called a mosh pit. Nowadays we call it internal hemmoraging. Good times.

If memory serves, Eddie Veder's parents divorced when he was a baby, and he wasn't told that his stepfather (whom Eddie stayed with after his mother divorced him) wasn't his biological father until he was a teenager. By that time, his biological father had passed away, and Eddie did not have a good relationship with his stepfather. I think that the song, "Can't Find A Better Man" was about his stepfather (with whom he had a bad relationship).

Aaaaand now I feel like I'm back in high school. If only I still had a cassette player, man, could I rock out to some awesome mix tapes. Provided that they haven't disintegrated.

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

I live about 15 years in the past. I still listen to all the Grunge bands and their offshoots regularly. Most, if not all of the songwriters in those bands come from difficult backgrounds and the music is very dark. I could go even further and say that music is borne of hardship, certainly the blues of which rock and roll is rooted.

wlw35 · Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 367

thayflies, i feel old, too. still listening to 80's & 90's music, some dark, some not. i remember playing the cure over and over, my sister went goth wearing all black, drove the NPs crazy, then she did the rap scene and got some nice cornrows, oh, the NF went balastic, what could he do? take them out??? sometimes it's good therapy to listen to the blues...

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 488

I love old music. The majority of my favourite artists are from the 70s and late 80s early 90s. It is bizarre how I became a music junkie, my parents were not music lovers and I was forced to play the piano as a kid which I hated. In highschool I bought a guitar and practiced a lot. I really wanted to be good at the guitar (probably to impress the girls) but I sucked. I was shit compared to my mates but I stuck at it and listened to a lot of music. I wasn't born a music lover but the more I listened the more I got into it and I had a strong desire to play the guitar. It didn't come naturally to me - it was shitfight - but in the end I did become good at the instrument, more talented than my mates. Now that I've proved to myself I can do it I don't listen to much music or play a lot. I haven't "practiced" in years.

I can only imagine how cornrows would go down with the NF. I got my ear pierced and was ridiculed by the sick bastard. The earrings were a fashion mistake but I can only imagine the reaction to cornrows! Walking on eggshells. Pricks. There is something very pure about the blues, likewise with jazz. Music to soothe the soul.

Smilin Fyodor · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 110

Thayiflies has raised an interesting point in that my tastes in music, literature, and art are very much in response to Nparenting. Early on I tried pleasing them -- even played french horn because my Nmother did in school (It is the instrument for the tone deaf, and if you've heard her sing. . . ). As a kid, I also only listened to classical or ez-listening because it was non-controversial with my parents who believed every devil-worshipping rumor about any other type of music nevermind that my father sill held out for his outlaw country and surf rock which I guess were the only 'good' forms of pop music in his mind.

When in high school, I finally did start listening to other forms of music, I either had to listen to my Nmother's rants or opt into "Christian" music which I didn't really like for the most part. For people who thought pop culture was evil, they sure seemed to know a lot about that portion that made Rolling Stone and People so I found myself diving deeper into the indie music which was too obscure for them to know about. So when they would rant against the Pearl Jams and Nirvanas and Rolling Stones, I could shrug my shoulders and not care.

Now I listen to more what "soothes the soul."

Wow, cornrows. Never could get my hair long enough for that. Not to mention my parents got upset if wore tye-dye, a doo rag, or my chucks. In fact I was in my 20's when I started with the doo-rag thing, and they still went ballistic.

SpiritShell · Joined: 24 Mar 2007 Posts: 377 Location: Canada

Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" was a pretty intense song.. video too.

I used to listen to oldies - I don't really anymore. I adopted them because thats what my NM listened to. Then she did the same and adopted a lot of the alternative bands I liked. For a few years I listened to Christian tunes.. and she would mock it. If ever my belief system didn't match hers, well, y'know how it is.

These days I do like the angst stuff. I understand what the lyrics are saying now. Also.. I wasn't allowed to be angry or have negative emotion (that showed, at least) so I bask in them some now... because I have every right to acknowledge the anger, why I'm angry, face it deal with it and move on. But I also like classical - and hard stuff mixed with classical like a lot of the bands from Europe like Nightwish. Also some punk and folk.

I tried the guitar a couple times but it didn't stick. Both my instructors were dolts... and I didn't have the inspiration because I had no identity. Then I foolishly loaned my guitar to a "friend"! Never heard from again!! But I've always wanted to be in a band or a musician of some kind. I was taking voice lessons a while back and I want to find more again. I used to hide my voice, disguise my voice, didn't believe in my voice. I was basically raised not to have one of my own. So if I open my mouth I still sometimes feel like I'll be mocked, crushed, made foolish. So.. I'll keep practicing, prove to myself just like you did Thayilflies.
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"Why are narcissists not prone to suicide? Simple: they died a long time ago."

Cricket · Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 113

My Nmom always claimed to love music, provided that it had no drums, no electric guitar, no singing in English, very little singing in any other language, wasn't playing in the car, wasn't playing in the house, and could not be heard by humans. Or dogs. Or anything organic. Or inorganic. For the past six or seven years she has diagnosed herself as ADD, claiming that music makes her ADD "act up", and I can't begin to describe how taxing it is to be in a car for hours on end with an N who won't let you turn on the radio.

It is shocking to me that she should be so adamantly anti-music. Is it because we wanted it so much that she chose to hate it? Or is it because when music was on, she was not in control of her environment? I have to remind myself that most of what Ns do is pretty unfathomable.

seekingserenity · Joined: 14 Mar 2007 Posts: 179

I took piano lessons when I was a kid -- I was not very good -- I have no desire to play now. When I was in my 20s I learned a few chords on the guitar and played as many songs as I could -- that was really fun. I bought a guitar from a pawn shop. Once in a while I play a couple for my kids -- they love it.

My N encounter for the day: my five-year-old daughter's preschool teacher is a battle-axe N. I had to talk with her this afternoon and she really got my blood boiling. I am better now -- I went out (bowling) with some friends tonight. Now I"m not thinking about the N anymore, but I dread every time I have to see her. Only four more weeks at this preschool, and then this N will be gone from my life. But another one will come in. That's the way it goes. They are everywhere (now I sound like a paranoid freak) Smile