Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

im just so depressed
all i attract are jerks/abuse
i get approached by guys and find out they're sex offenders
or have three kids and admit to being narcissistic
or they're drug addicts
or they just do not respect women
how many times will i be called a bitch? how many times will people treat me like shit? am i going to have to deal with this the rest of my life? i avoid people 100% and just post on the web, and today was called a bitch on another forum, and everytime it happens it triggers me back to my past. i feel like i have victim stamped on my forehead and people have a radar that just screams hurt her! i am complaining, i know, but i'm just so sick of it. i have been hurt by everyone, my parents, my grandparents, my abusive relationships (choked by two different boyfriends), i keep meeting date rapists and sex offenders. i have turned into this hostile, paranoid person who doesnt leave my house. i keep meeting drug addicts and losers and people on the path on self-destruction who seem to want to bring me into their tornado of a life. i have gotten so angry, with fantasies of killing all the people who have hurt me over and over, it's so unhealthy. i'm getting so angry i almost feel like an N because i know they are often angry? it seems i try to be nice and just find out more and more... found out my biological father was beating up my mother, my borderline N mom met next psychopath (my stepdad) who liked to sleep with prostitutes, use drugs, abuse his ex wife, tried to sell his own son, and abused me my whole life.. and i find out by my dad that he went to a hotel where he found my mom having sex with now stepdad and i was sleeping in the next bed at 2 years old.. i have some memories of my mom having sex next to me when i was a kid.. i find myself with fantasies of revenge, i fall asleep thinking of killing both my parents and wake up with horrible images... i have tried counseling but keep getting put on a waiting list and nobody will see me.. i just feel so depressed like i always feel like i wish i was dead... the area i live in has over 20 sex offenders, my ex was a pedophile , and a guy who doesnt live too far away date raped me and my so-called best-friend sent me to his house knowing he date rapes girls and said to me the next day, "you're so cute when you're sedated" and later she attacked me calling me a "baby-killing cunt" because i had an abortion when i was pregnant with the pedophile...i just keep ruminating over all the people who consistently hurt me...i remember all the insults at school.. having rocks being thrown at me by other people... i honestly feel as if im going crazy.. i have turned into such an angry person and a sad person.. i am almost schizoid now and find i feel little to no joy doing actitivies and feel there's no hope for the future.. i feel my brain is completely impaired and i cant even drive a car without spacing out and getting into accidents.. i almost feel like a ghost who's just drifiting along , i feel dissosiative.. then i get online and got called a "delusional bitch" today and it just makes me hate people so much.. there is just so much evil in the world and i wish i had never been brought into this world so many times...i lost all desire to socialize, i just stay locked away, and then when i do meet people they are always so screwed up, for example, guys who think it's cool to call girl's bitches, then there is just so much domestic violence in the world, and i always attract the psychopaths.. i feel i will never be happy and it all started with my parents.. i was diagnosed schizoaffective, but i think my psychosis is from my panic disorder/ post traumatic stress... sometimes i think there should be options for people who want to commit suicide because the pain of living is so much worse than anything else, i feel fragile as hell, like i cant make it on my own...how many times will someone come to my house and steal from me? and why does my own father have to be such a liar, con-artist bastard? why does my mother have to be so evil? and why did they have to bring me into their pathetic mess of a world? why do people like to hurt me so much? well i just feel like venting... btw i absolutely HATE texas.

Oh sarahgirl, wish I could give you a hug ((((o)))))
It's natural to be angry at all the people around you who are making things touch - don't worry about the angry thoughts - they are just thoughts and you are not really doing it.
What is really good is that you KNOW you do not deserve this. Well done.
Keep pressing on being patient with the counselling. It takes time, and can seem like an eternity - but worth investing in YOU.
If your neighbourhood is full of bad vibes, is there ANY chance of relocating?
Do be kind to yourself - sometimes I like to be alone too, and doing things to look after yourself can be very rewarding.
Cook yourself something you like to eat, clean the house.
When I'm down on myself and can't do things for myself, I pretend I'm doing it for somebody else, (because we ACONS are good at doing things for others) and then when I've finished, I can enjoy it and feel like someone cares about me - ME!
It might not be the best solution, but it's a solution.
Wishing you some peace and space.

victim stamped on my forehead and people have a radar that just screams hurt her!

I understand where you are coming from. After three years in hiding, I am just beginning to build up my network of friends, and family (well my version of family) again. Regarding your quote, here is something that you will find sickning. There is actually a book called "the art of seduction" where the whole premise is about picking victims to do your bidding. Its like a book written for psycho paths, and teaches them how to find their targets!

To empower yourself, know that, yes, you probably unwittingly, gave off certain vibes that you were one that would be an easy target. Predators, do tests before they go for the gold. The test can range from abusing your boundaries a little, (and then seeing how you respond) or doing something really unappropriate, and then not standing up for yourself. I 've heard of rapists that ask a woman if she needs help, and if she says no, and then he ignores her, and she does not put up much of a fight, like asserting herself, "hey pal, I told you to F off" then attacker knows he has found a willing target, more concerned about his feelings than her own, and probably an easier target to rape, and get away with it.

Since going NC, and cutting out all the psychopaths in my life, especiallly when I cut out my mother, it was like I stop tolerating any behavior that was inappropriate, and over the years, its come to me second nature. At first, I was in hiding like you. Me and my husband were pretty naive and victimized. We slowly cut out all the blood suckers in our lives, including our families. My family is cut off for good, but his family has demonstrated the capability of being fair, negotiating with us, they are more empathetic. They do not dismiss us, if they ;ve hurt us, like my parents did.

So just stay in therapy, become aware. Since we've had psychopath parents, there is a social skill that is lacking in us, and now we have to nurture that skill in our adult lives. Keep learning about yourself and the world. You will start to see that you can identify psycho path characters in movies, shows, in every day life, and know how to deal with them accordingly.

Sarahgirl, I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. Sometime I feel like I attract the Ns.

I was wondering if anyone has ever pointed you to checking-out Dialectial Behavior Therapy? I'm finishing-up my course, and it's really given me skills that I never got growing up. Basically, it's cognitive therapy designed for people who are in crisis and who grew up in abusive environments, with some other things thrown in. The thing is, research is showing it actually works. It's taught me more effective skills in dealing with my emotions and with other people. I'm not perfect and cured, but my life is a whole hell of a lot better, and when I'm triggered back to my abusive childhood, I'm able to recover quicker, and also keep doing things, where before I'd shut myself in my room for days.

This site is by the woman who developed the therapy, Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. This is the page with FAQ's and therapist referrals: http://behavioraltech.org/resources/

Hugs from Ohio.

Hugs. Sorry to hear that but I understand and am learning to identify and dodge myself. I was recently raped by a guy that I've known 13 years. We've grown up together and went out as friends to do things even sit alone together watching tv at his house a few nights.I never thought he would hurt me. I seemed to have had that thought far too many times with too many different names and faces. I know it seems hard but youre not alone and sometimes we sherek away from good people because of the bad ones we met before.

Sarahgirl-I totally understand what you are talking about. When I was younger, I ended up alot of times with abusers, low-lifes, and addicts. I was used to being treated like dirt by my Nmom, and I thought that abuse was normal. I had very little value in my own mind, so it didn't even occur to me to try to associate myself with better people. I thought that abuse was all I deserved.
As I got older, my self-esteem grew, and I started to make better choices of people to be around. Things got alot better for me. Granted, we never really know anybody and anyone could potentially turn on us, BUT, for the most part I learned to tell who is going to be good for me and who isn't. I don't mean to sound judgemental, but some people just show on their sleeve that they are backstabers, thiefs, and lowlifes. Believe me, you will learn to see it coming a mile away. I'm in my 30s now, and the school of hard knocks has taught me how to size people up pretty quickly.

My advice is to try to find people who have something positive going for them or who have goals for themselves. Are there any 12 step groups or support groups in your area? How about Meetup groups (you can look on Meetup website) that are about interests or hobbies that you may like?

You should get out there and enjoy life. Don't the Ps and Ns take away your joy.

*hugs*

I have been hurt by so many people. I now stay alone alot. I never knew that people could exist without empthy. I have been so conscience bound. I thought we were all this way.

xana wrote:As I got older, my self-esteem grew, and I started to make better choices of people to be around. Things got alot better for me. Granted, we never really know anybody and anyone could potentially turn on us, BUT, for the most part I learned to tell who is going to be good for me and who isn't. I don't mean to sound judgemental, but some people just show on their sleeve that they are backstabers, thiefs, and lowlifes. Believe me, you will learn to see it coming a mile away. I'm in my 30s now, and the school of hard knocks has taught me how to size people up pretty quickly.

Excellent post.

As we gain more self respect and self esteem, we generally seem to take less and less from people. It doesn't make us any less of a target, but it allows us to show up at a knife fight with a sharp blade. The more work you do on YOU, the better your skills at protecting yourself and recognizing what you want when you see/get it.

Assholes exist. N's, P's, run of the mill bad guys. But we can learn the warning signs, the boundaries, we can strengthen the muscles necessary to protect ourselves more than previously. We can heal from where we came from.

Knoxy
You sound like your doing good! I wish I felt better right now.

vampireslayer wrote:Knoxy
You sound like your doing fantastic! Your strong strength is to be absolutely admired. I wish we could all be like you.

I'm completely hormonal and crying every five minutes because I'm an emotional wreck today. But I'll take that over life with an N or a P anytime.

You can do this, Vampire. It takes work. Scary, hard work. But you can do it. We're here to help.

Have you done any therapy yet?

(sorry for the hijack, folks)

No Cannot afford it now. I have talked to some. They were not very empathic and wanted more $$ than I can afford.

Hi Sarahgirl

From what you discribe you have gone through repeated and cumulative traumas and are most likely suffering from PTSD. I can relate to the dissociative feelings. My therapist described this as a way of removing yourself from reality so avoid further hurt. It is a form of protection. She also impressed on me how feelings become frozen following traumas. Particularly in children who are unable to process them. One thing I have found helpful is to go back to my early experiences and identify the defense mechanisms I adopted to survive my FOO. For example, delayed feelings, people pleasing, denial, dampening self-expression, not drawing attention to myself etc. Then to observe how I am adopting the same defenses in my adult life an how they are not serving me well anymore.

IMO it's a jungle out there, a mixture of abusive, brutal, kind and supportive people. You are not responsible for 'attracting' abuse but for 'tolerating' it because on one level we feel comfortable with those types of people as we were raised by them. The trick is to change the faulty defenses which let abuse into our lives with better defenses that keep abuse out and let love in. One of the things I am working on is getting in touch with my feelings and listening to gut reactions. Not reacting to things straight away because I know my real feelings kick in after a time lapse. Unblocking feelings is so important for making good choices.

Sarahgirl, you are aware of what is happening and you want it to change. Becoming aware means the internal dynamic will change and your propensity to tolerate abusive people will stop without effort and the abuse will fall away. Btw there is tremendous hope for the future and awareness is the path to follow.

Cuttingloose

Hi Sarahgirl,

I know how you feel. For a long time, it seemed I had some kind of homing beacon for the dysfunctional implanted somewhere on my person. I make bad jokes about seeing the photos of ex boyfriends at the post office (Most Wanted) or that I should work for the FBI as a Dating Profiler or someone who could "catch by dating" some of societies worst miscreants.

Lately, after going NC, I've been going through some stuff over this very issue. I had an interesting experience I'll share - hopefully, it will help.

I was teaching recently, a class that included two boys. One is a really good boy. He is kind and funny and responsible, mischevious but decent too. He gets into trouble because he is a kid, and irrepressible, not because of any disfunction or trouble. The other boy is darker, he always seems sleepy and kind of crabby. Someday, he will be a very handsome man. He never seems to pay attention and seems to have little respect for authority. It's like he does what he has to do, but if left up to his own options, he would choose a not so good path. He is mean to the other children. What was interesting was that these two people were positioned right next to each other, and so different in nature. Interesting.

Recently, I was pondering these two males and realized that if they were grown men, I would naturally "gravitate" towards the darker one. He seems like he would be more interesting and more of a challenge if he was an adult male.

I need to say, I'm no wierdo - I was just considering these kids, how they seemed to be general types, if that makes any sense.

Well, the nice kid talked with me about something and he smiled at me, a sweet kind smile, and instantly, I flashed back to being a young woman and thinking no one nice like that would ever like me. I considered myself damaged goods, and profoundly unloveable. Instantly, I wrote off all the nice men that crossed my path as being too good for me. Another part of me was fearful of letting someone love me, someone who was good, for fear they too wouldn't want me and then my unworthiness would be doubly confirmed in the worst sort of way.

The bad types were, in their own way, predictable. I could play out my role, and when rejection or abandonment (or if I had to flee out of self preservation) occured it was not unanticipated. In a sorry sorry way, I got to be in control. And no, they never really were interesting, not when the infatuation wore off.

Well, the dark kid showed his true colors - he poured his drink all over the nice kids lunch and ruined it. He tried to stomp a grasshopper the nice kid was looking at for no reason other than that he wanted to hurt something.

I asked him about it, about what was going on and he said: "I am angry my sister got to stay home. She isn't really sick and she gets to play video games all day." He was mad mad mad about those video games (that is his main interest) so he took it out on the other kid. He does this regularly, too. Sad, isn't it? I suspect he comes from a home where there is abuse. He is a favored, loved child,yet he is way too comfortable hurting others when he is unhappy or upset.

Memories of nmom's preferences came to mind, condemnations of goody goodies and pollyannas, she would have preferred the bad one completely. I was raised to caretake, in a culture that views meanness as the result of pain - so I gravitated towards mean men because I believed "love cures all" and so on. I thought I could help them, and then they would really love me. So some of my choices were conditioned from youth. Much of it, though, was rooted in self hatred.

I made the decision that I do not want any more dark men in my life. I'll be single until the day I die rather than go back. If I missed my chance for a happy relationship with a kind and gentle man, then I did and there is no remedying it. Life is what it is, and it's good. But I can make sure that my daughter has a better life. She is in the same class as these boys and we could talk about their choices and behavior. I was delighted to learn she likes the sweet boy and looks upon him with far more favor than the dark boy, who she views as trouble.

I see my attracting and being attracted to loser-men, dark hearted types, as something complicated: I was raised to play that role, but internally, I had a deep self loathing that made it frightening to even consider a relationship with a good guy because when he rejected me (which I expected) then wow, this must the final confirmation that I am truly unloveable. I felt I could never survive such a thing. Thus, I have been involved with some interesting but dark hearted men who tended to use me and then abandon or reject me, or made it necessary for me to flee.

In the past few years, I've become made it a point to know good men, to be around good men, and I am thankful for good men and dagnabbit, if I ever met one who was single and right in other ways, why, I'd go for it.

This has been my experience, I hope sharing it helps you in some way.

PS: One very important thing to remember and NEVER EVER forget is that we live in a seriously twisted world. I had a psychologist say to me: there are alot of a--holes out there. I know, because I work with many of them. If you date one, don't be too hard on yourself, just get out of it and look for someone nice. There are just alot of troubled people out there.

Hear...Hear... ZZ. Great post.

Gosh, ZeZee, you sound identical to me.
But who can deny at some point being in the place Saragirl is right now. I felt myself becoming a bit welled up with intensity reading your post,(SG), knowing how you feel in many ways and feeling your pain and wanting to cry! Then, at the end, to read your signature line and remember the first part of that verse.."Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see." ...thank you for reminding me of the answer and bringing me back around to peace! I needed that after a long weekend of family and the realization that the nice guy I do like does not like me, but the creepy one I don't like still does! ha..I suspect you are going through this now because you are being equipped with the experience to be able to help those who you will encounter who will only be able to be helped by YOU. And maybe the depth of understanding of that verse you chose- to allow that Grace to be all you need. You are loved and cared for, and I am sorry you are feeling that way right now.

I'm telling you right now, you are not the only one. We have unfortunately inherited traits of a victim (this is a new concept to me) but I attract the most irritating people who take advantage of me and stick to me like glue...the common denominator, they all remind me of my mom and sister. Yes we have it stamped on our forehead, in invisible ink that only N's can see. I am sorry i don't have a better reply, I am trying to figure out how to break the cycle of attracting these people into my life. The best advice I ave gotten is the same advice I am sure you have gotten, you cannot not change others, only yourself, and how you feel.

Yes we have it stamped on our forehead... I am trying to figure out how to break the cycle of attracting these people into my life.

I have found the secret to not attracting Ns AFTER having known my N.
I no longer come across as an almost subservient people-pleaser. (Ns look to attach to docile-type people.)
"Yes" is no longer the word of the day. "Why" is more like it.

Now I am edgy. I act grumpy at times. I do not act "happy" all the time. When someone says something that can be taken two ways, I ALWAYS call them on it (usually with a smile on my face while waiting for an answer). That way, I fail the test if they are testing to see if I'm primed for abuse.
Example (but not a good one, but the only one that comes to mind offhand): When I asked someone, in my field of expertise who was doing a demo, an intelligent question which proved I knew what I was talking about, he said, "Ah, you know more than you let on" and he laughed. I acted rather disgusted as I peered at him over the top of my glasses in a condescending manner and replied, "Oh... so what you're saying is that you think I look stupid" and the crowd laughed at him that he'd dare to insult the audience. This forced him to back down and he quickly tried to defend, explain, and deflect before returning to his demo. He didn't make that mistake again when questions came up.

BEING TOO NICE IS WHAT GOT US WHERE WE ARE TODAY - I cannot stress this enough.

Being edgy (not sure if that's the correct word but you get the idea) is my insurance that I will never get stuck with an N again. By the way, being edgy does not mean being mean, instead it means being a no-nonsense person who doesn't take crap. People need to see that you generally have a backbone; you do not always say "yes" to please them, you do not live to be judged by them, and you generally refuse to be given orders.

Do these things and the stamp on your forehead will erode away. You will no longer attract and keep Ns. I hope this helps the good people of this forum.

Is this an odd viewpoint to you, or does it make sense to any of you that this is a viable N-repellent?
-

That is some good practical advice, gettingthere. It is easier said than done, but where I tend to just go cold and distant, I need to be a little more assertive and aggressive with my responses. I am going to practice that this CHristmas. I almost can't wait!

Gettingthere, I feel like I should print that out and carry it around. I should read it before I answer questions.

Sarahgirl, I know exactly how you feel. I have suspected for a long time that my pheremones attracted weirdos. They can SENSE me, or smell me coming, it seems.

We need to write gettingthere's advice on our wrists or something. We're too nice. I hope you feel better.