Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

RB2007 · Joined: 23 Feb 2007 Posts: 22

Do Ns ever feel embarrassed when their true (more pathetic) selves become revealed to their victims? I dated my exnbf for a year, but he always successfully pushed me away whenever I'd make an attempt to really bond with him or get too close. He'd dissappear to wherever for long periods of time (& I thought he was probably off cheating on me, which I'm sure he was), but I thought it was very odd that he'd distance himself whenever I'd ask for more affection or time from him. I think his own mother felt empathy for me after a while & told me a lot of intimate (bordering on embarrassing) details about who & what he really is. Even she seemed sick of his manipulations and put downs.

If the Ns were ever exposed for who they are (& not exposing the fact that they're Ns, but exposing the more pathetic aspects of their lives that they try to hide), would that be an N injury to them? The N I knew worked very hard to put on shows of "what a great & responsible guy he is." It's annoying to constantly hear my family tell me what a wonderful person the exnbf is because of all of his "charity work, etc. etc." And I have some N relatives (2 female cousins who derive pleasure from putting me down) who don't understand that I'm sick of hearing about "his greatness." If, the next time the N tries to contact me, would it be an N-injury if I told him that I know exactly how "exciting" his life really is?

It's petty, I know. But I think it's about time that he gets a piece of his own medicine (since, in the past, I was always concerned with not going out of my way to hurt peoples' feelings). But you know what, if someone keeps going out of his/her way to bother me, then screw it.

ann62 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 26

HI RB:

Yes I think there is probably a lot of information on this topic. Whenever they feel too vulnarable or think they might be acting in a way they don't want you to see, they withdraw. I had been talking to my exn here and there about issues with his kids and then he told me that xwife #2 was engaged and he could not go to a function he had planned to attend because the other guy would be there. He hasn't talked or attempted in a month; I think he is mad at himself for telling me too much.

Ann

pinkybubbles · Guest

My ex used to just walk away whenever he was exposed to be lying.

disengaging · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 1342

Rather than get embarrassed, I think exposing them only pisses them off and makes them bound and determined to destroy anyone who has the gall to have exposed them to others--and destroying others by turning the tables on their victims just happens to be something they excel at so I don't really recommend it.

I personally think ignoring them is far more effective. Ignoring them frustrates the hell out of them, leaves them with no ammunition and nothing to work with--takes away their power.

sallyishere · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 833

Yes they get very humiliated. Especially if they know you know what they are and go NC. They cannot stand indifference.

Mine faked a heart attack. When I confronted him about it and told him I knew he had lied. He went into a rage!!! He then gave me a classic d and d. Then he came back and was trying to make me beleive it still.

The best revenge is NC

Sally
_________________
Sally

Just when I thought my life was over, it started again.

sallyishere · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 833

Disenaging:
Thats so right! Yes once you catch them in a lie or figure out who they are and confront them, watch out cause now they will want to destroy you more than ever. They get so mad that they have been found out.

Sally

jomo20071 · Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 6:49 pm Post subject:

I agree with Disengaging... mine would get angry at the exposure and say he felt "violated!" As in, HE felt violated when I found his email showing that he had cheated on me.

They are pretty well defended against feeling shame. I believe mine had come to understand what conventional morality consisted of in our culture and he would understand when he violated that....hence the lies.... but i truly do not think he felt one iota of personal shame about anything he did.

SassyAnnie13131 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 228 Location: Minnesota

I feel exposure of any sort triggers rage in an N. Remember, they believe their own lies (they have to cuz the alternative is too much to handle) and are supremely convicted that:

* They are the victim. Strangely, all these bad things happen to them because they are a victim. It could be a victim who "chose the wrong partner" or "who believed in someone so much but were proven wrong..." Uggh. The list is long. They will twist everything to be someone else's fault or doing.

* They are superior. This includes intellect, wit, sense of humor, looks and 'potential'. If they are superior, that makes everyone else inferior. This is a great tool for the N! Why? Well, silly girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, boss, whomever- is just too (stupid, slow, ignorant, unworldly, etc) to realize just how (see prior list ^) they really are. Because of that, poor N has to deal with us plebians and sometimes that may mean they have to put people in their place, blah blah blah. In other words, because they are superior (making everyone else INferior) they are JUSTIFIED to behave as they do. If we weren't so stupid (etc) then they wouldn't have to act they way they do. (The If-Then Game Version 2.0)

* Since we're morons who are emotionally troubled (only the WEAK show emotion and the N is soooooo far emotionally well rounded that they know better *cough*) it makes sense to the N that we would try to expose them, however, we 'just got the facts wrong'. N will "clarify" to anyone who will listen. (Insert smear campaign if applicable). There could be an "Oh Sh*t!" moment...."Oh no, they got it right..." but the False Self kicks in (defense mechanism) and they begin the justification process. (Insert victimhood here).

* The N is sooooo malignantly convicted that they are - in a word - better that they flip out and rage. "How dare YOU call ME lazy!" BLah blah blah. (Insert Projection here). Rage is justified to them because my gawd! the N in entitled to defend himself against such ridiculous accusations. If they were to let down their 'guard' (which is not possible but for a fleeting moment here and there) then they would have to acknowledge that they can be wrong, the cause of the trouble, an abusive person, someone who is mentally disordered.....etc. They can't go there. Period. So the False Self lashes out in rage. They will fight to the death to defend their behavior to any poor stupid plebian who will listen. (Insert gathering possible alternate NS here...OW? OM? Hooker?)

It's hard work being an N. So many lies, stories and embellishment to keep straight! It's hard work always trying to get a hit of NS. This can frustrate the N. They will seek out others who WILL give them good NS. Suddenly, we get D&D'd. "Screw her! There are thousands of others who would want me, and want to hang out with me! HA! Time to punish her because she is not getting that I am right, smarter and just plain better." (Insert Word Salad here - to anyone who will listen, including their partner).

Once a dialogue is established with us again *after we've been sufficiently punished by them withholding their great selves* they have to smooth things over. Getting new NS is tough, too. We are already trained like monkeys to do what they say, when they say and how they say. In order to get good NS again, confusion and gaslighting tactics have to be used. "What? Sorry, I never said THAT. What I really said was......" and "YOU were the one who told ME that ......"

Once we stick up for ourselves - with even a little bit of resistence to their greatness- they get mad again. "I am not sure you are the person I thought you were!" Huh? Confusion, threats and ambient abuse. (Insert more Gaslighting here).

So, do they get embarrassed? Yep, ONLY if they can say, "I am so embarrassed by HER behavior. I had no idea she was so crazy....." In that sense, yes. Do they FEEL embarrassed? Nope. They can't. That would mean the True Self would have to surface. Not gonna happen.

Milly1956 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 571

My XN wouldn't get 'embarrassed' when he was exposed. Annoyed, irritated, offended, enraged yes and very much acted the 'aggrieved victim' (which was even more pathetic really).

whitebirdwoman · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 7 Location: Alaska

Sassie wrote;

(So, do they get embarrassed? Yep, ONLY if they can say, "I am so embarrassed by HER behavior. I had no idea she was so crazy....." In that sense, yes. Do they FEEL embarrassed? Nope. They can't. That would mean the True Self would have to surface. Not gonna happen.)

How very true. I never saw embarassment, fear yes, embarassment no. Fear only because I had pointed out that the queen had no clothes.

Hugs
Trisha

fraggle_1972 · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 570

My N would become enraged, withdrawn, play the victim, threaten suicide.

It was always a case of HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME!

I agree will all, disengage. I discovered all the the lies - even ones he told his wife well before I came along. Told him if he ever lied to me again he would be sorry. When I realised what he was conforted him with it, even called him a N.

Oops..he is out to destroy me. An restraining order hasnt helped.

I have not contacted him since Jan 2006, but he was ringing me hanging up, sending emails. Changed all my details, so he started ringing my work. He contacted my boss (saying who knows what) lost my job over this. My boss had some dodge things going on too with tax and personal expenses thru the business.

Lynnezer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 534

Do Ns ever feel embarrassed when their true (more pathetic) selves become revealed to their victims?

Ns never acknowledge that their true selves have been revealed. They just deny, deny, deny, project, project, project.

Their reality of the jerks that they are is WAY down deep which is what makes them withdraw when they realize that someone might see them for who they are. If we verbally try and expose them, they turn it around and become self-righteous and appalled and basically make us regret that we had the NERVE to say such terrible untrue things about them. They are masters at word salad and making us look like idiots.

Now when we are indifferent to them, THAT'S what kills them. The fact that we aren't acting like psychos and our revelations are silent, that scares them.

Cool

Lynnezer
_________________
Ns are equal opportunity offenders. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. Wink

sallyishere · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 833

Lynne,

Yep! The fact that we are NC no longer gives them the power to tell everyone how nuts we are. Yes they might, but we know the truth. And how awfull for the N to not get a reaction from an N! I mean arent we spose to go nuts and cry at thier doorstep, begging to be forgiven? Laughing

NOPE!!!!

NC

Sally Cool

_________________
Sally

Just when I thought my life was over, it started again.

sallyishere · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 833

i meany to get a reaction from us.. Laughing

sally
_________________
Sally

Just when I thought my life was over, it started again.

Lynnezer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 534