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Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group
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femfree
Site Admin
Joined: 11 Feb 2007
Posts: 654
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 Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 8:57 pm Post subject: Divorce/Custody |
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Divorcing And Custody
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The best strategy for Targets of their Blame is to take a very Assertive Approach and to quickly provide credible factual information to the court and to try to be as perfect as possible in every way during the court process.
Are you willing to tell all? It is common for Targets to want to hold back on exposing all of this misbehaviour. You may be worried that confronting the Blamer will escalate the Blamer, while holding back on negative feedback has calmed him or her down in the past. (You also may have engaged in behaviour you are not proud of and do not want to expose.) However, if the Blamer has already engaged you in a battle, you will need to present all of the necessary information that will help the court understand what is gong on. You must be willing to expose all of this information if you intend to succeed at court.
SPLITTING ? Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist
by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker |
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"LOVE YOUR CHILDREN.
They don't want to be showered with material gifts, they just want to see your face light up when they enter the room." (a member's quote) |
"If the N can get you to take the bait - really get to you, and push you, make you look like the crazy one, he has a really good chance of proving he's the better parent to the courts. He will gain full custody, have the OW look after the kids, collect CS payments from you and drive you crazy as you try to get to see your own kids. Imagine his joy!! "
"When we split a year ago, he completely cut off all responsibility for supporting and seeing our children. After months and months went by with me fighting with the court system, I am finally receiving support payments on a weekly basis (these are actually written via check by HIS father not by him, in order to keep him out of jail). During the past few months, he has moved in with his girlfriend and her 3 kids and now is wanting to play a more active roll in his own kids lives."
"My daughter was 18 when I filed and she was not involved in the custody battle, the N had her brainwashed and convinced that he was poor and I had all his money (yeah right) so, she handed her whole paycheck over to him weekly and even bought him groceries. In reality he had just inherited a HUGE amount of proceeds from his deceased fathers estate. These Ns are pitiful and what they do to their children is nothing more than child abuse. My daughter was eventually discarded by the N when he decided she was of no more use to him. Hence she suffered alot of self esteem issues, and was devastated and went into a depression. N "used" her and she knows it. Do everything you can to support your daughter, she needs you now more than anything."
"Had you known what you were marrying, would you have married? I asked myself this question after my N ex husband walked out suddenly, for no reason, after 12 years of marriage and I was feeling terribly guilty about getting a divorce. My answer? NO, heck no! I never would have married a fake shell of a human. The guilt washed away almost immediately. I had not married who I thought I married..... he had fooled and duped me with his exterior glitter, lies, and empty words."
"The judge accused me of using the kids as weapons, and trying to control his parenting time because of all his lies and then she said that I made up all the alleged abuse just so I could get custody of the kids. The sad part is, I had LOTS of people to testify and my attorney wouldn't subpoena them."
"The feeling that someone else is trying to *steal* our children is one of the hardest forces to deal with; XNH and his parents tried to take full custody of S when he was 6. He's now 9. We share 50:50. They failed. I do not acknowledge them."
"Early on in our relationship, N's youngest child, then 14, was always around. He had managed to smear his ex-wife so badly that the youngest daughter remained with him. Now, he has smeared me to the daughter telling her all my personal problems. She came to me and told me she loved me and that she hoped her Dad and I worked things out. Are these children really so naive that they believe the N? It really hurts my feelings that he managed to smear his ex-wife and me, and his daughter is still wishing him to find a happy relationship. The daughter is 21 now. Will she ever get it? The other two children took the side of the mother, but he is slowly winning them back as well."
"When I told my ex to contact his brother for future visitation with our son because I would not be speaking to him any longer....he stopped seeing our son...period. The only reason he was seeing him in the first place was to keep supply coming from me, it had nothing to do with him wanting to be with his son."
"So your NP was physically abusive, emotionally and psychologically very cruel. It's always best to have proof because any garden variety NP will say you are the abuser and accuse you of doing these things. Going into mediation or court without proof, you'll come out without justice. And, as an aside, say "I'm not aware of my abuse of you, do you have proof NP? But use this to your advantage too because it's likely the N will accuse you of things he has no proof of. It's like chess - whoever attacks first puts the opponent on the defensive."
"When exNh tried to get custody of our child, and I had roughly 30 people (my friends and people that used to be his friends) who said they would go to court and testify to witnessing ex do coke, and give examples about his lying and deceitful nature. I know when it's time for me to go for sole custody, those people will be lined up at my door."
"I was told by Child Protective Services that unless I got my child away from P that they would take my child away and now in the divorce, I am court-ordered to give my child to P for visitation."
"Mine has told our 11 yr old son "I want your mother dead 'cause then I get the insurance, her social security, and no more custody battle. Law and Order had 3 shows on Saturday night and our son has made comments to me since then "That explains to me about you and daddy" WOW, he got it without me saying a word."
"Part of the trick is to (and I read this somewhere) not to ask the 'why' of
what the N does, but the 'HOW' and look at that objectively and realize you just cannot treat them as you treat others and you must stay AWAY. You can't help, period."
"When he took out the temp order of protection against me, the shelter actually believed I might have done it because afterall, I'm upset and angry because that's natural."
"My son held me one night and said to everyone present, "I had no idea life could be so easy." I think it is. I do not think sorting out the constant barrage of the N is worth the sacrifice it requires for everyone involved with them."
"He could end all of the nightmare he created in these divorce proceedings in two minutes. But I truly believe that they enjoy torturing themselves as well as others. There is a paradoxical masochistic AND sadistic streak in them. I think they enjoy the "drama" they manufacture, even though it hurts them as well."
"I always felt love and marriage were forever, and you stayed with your spouse "for better or for worse". Unfortunately, for many of us, "for better" never happened, and "for worse" just got worse."
Q. N's attorney says Ns seeks $2 million in damages if I don?t sign a declaration saying the N did not do all the things I said he did.
A. I am a paralegal. COUNTERSUE!!! NOW! Get him for filing a frivolous lawsuit (and anything else your state allows) and countersue HIM for attorney's fees.
"The visits and time with our daughter grew less & less. Then along came the new gf and all of a sudden he wants her all the time again."
"When I first came on this board I too thought I was the only person who's kids were siding with the N and of course that made me doubt myself and whether or not my X was an N. It is heartbreaking to lose your kids to these evil monsters. I was a stay at home mom whose whole life revolved around my kids. I was the mom who was cub scout leader, classroom volunteer, baseball mom, ran them all to all sorts of lessons, to and from school at 3 different times a day, birthday parties to die for, yet behind closed doors I was being told I was a terrible mother, worthless, couldn't do anything right and much worse! So when my kids sided with him, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and run over. I spent many days and nights in anguish just trying to figure it all out. I finally decided that I was either going to completely fall apart (wouldn't N love that!) or accept what I could not change and move on trusting that eventually they would be back. I'll be damned if I was going to give the N the satisfaction of turning into exactly what he was saying I was."
Reply: "In my case the children inherited the disorder. They did go back to him. All the King's horses.... (sigh) I've had to move on with my life and accept this. I'm still figuring out how I'm supposed to do that."
"I mostly recorded him in the mornings when he is at his worst rage time and for when he would drive me to work and go nuts being I was a captive audience and he would drive to scare me. I did this because no one would believe how he really is. Him and his fake sweet act."
"He enjoys hurting in the most devastating way. He told me so the day I came back from my brother's funeral."
"Before I knew better, I thought his "mentoring" of his estranged wife was really about helping her get on her feet, after all that's what he said. I didn't realize he was kicking her feet out from under her all the time...to keep her down."
"I am here to tell you that you can survive without him. It will hurt and he will make it difficult. You will survive. You will flourish and your children will be calm for maybe the first times in their lives."
"The sad part is, that I did have lots of aggressive behaviors and such on tape and documented in other ways, but the courts refuse to listen. Their motto is "You picked him, so you have to put up with him for the sake of your child". In other words, they feel no matter how he acts, as long as he isn't abusive physically or sexually towards me or my daughter that I should put up with him for her sake. That it is more important for a daughter to have a 'bad father' then 'no father at all."
"For the last ten years, I have shared a son (now 12) with a P/N. Until recently, he never pushed for visitation. He would see our son once a week for a few hours or every other week. No big deal. Now that he has a girlfriend he lives with, he is trying to pretend to be Father of the Year and suddenly wants overnights."
"It is so important to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING AND SAVE ALL CORRESPONDANCE! I wish I'd taped some of her rages as further back-up."
"I am now divorced. It was when I had filed and had gotten away from him, was when I realized how bad things had been for me and the kids. I went to counseling and to the local battered women's shelter for support. I would encourage you to do both. You will find you are the stronger of the two. That is what he does not like."
"Discussing divorce with a narcissist is like discussing dining with a shark."
"What a wonderful thing for the courts to have -- a tape recording of him making these threats. If you go into court without proof you'll come out without justice."
"My therapist told me to stop going to court and let my lawyer represent me. She thought he was taking me to court just to set up an opportunity to see me."
"Over the years, I have watched my son deal with abandonment issues, lack of self-esteem and anger management issues. Now, I see him so desperately vying for his father's approval. He still has major self-esteem issues (could it be because his dad makes fun of him, teases him and puts him down with phrases like dumb ass and idiot?). On the other hand, he is finally confronting his dad on the many broken promises and lies and chooses not to go with him more often (thank God). I am counting the days I have left before I don't have to deal with the N/P anymore."
"My daughter used to be so scared to get "in trouble" from N dad that she wouldnt do anything. She also was afraid of other people so much that she would not interact. She would sit on my lap for hours and not say a word when out visiting. Now that she has been away from Ndad for so long she has really blossomed into herself and will even stand up for herself !! It took a long time and a lot of patience to reverse the effect N had on her. It is like he crushed her entire personality."
"A friend who is very religious told me although she didn't believe in divorce my relationship with N caused her to reexamine this belief."
"If you can somehow convince her that there will be less $$$ if she waits, she may be more willing to speed up the settlement. They love to wait hoping for a better deal or that you'll cave in to her demands, or to snoop hoping they'll find something they missed, and they just love the drama of the courts - they get a lot of attention that way."
"In the beginning my Father did everything he could to estrange me from my Mother. He spoke of her with contempt. When I was 15, he seemed so much more stable than my Mother. My Mother was a wreck from all the emotional and verbal abuse I am sure now. The thing is that biology is at work here. The kids are going to see him as the person who can and will "take care of them." But that never lasts. Eventually they will leave home and they will interact with other people outside the N's world. I did. It made me look at my Mother so differently. I was lucky, because my N father met another woman months within getting custody of me. And he dumped me. I had to go back to my Mother. And at the time, she was a mess. I mean she was exhausted in every way a human could be. I remember that I actually had a strong dislike for her. It was taught to me by my Father.
"I fought him for increased child support (he makes a bundle of money) and I wanted to keep our girls away from his new wife who is a total b*tch. She called me every dirty name in the book to our girls. I wish I could detach. I know what he's doing now and who he's doing it with are none of my business. They looked like the perfect couple to the judge. I lost custody of our daughters."
"My brother caught his wife threatening to drown the baby by leaving the video cam running in expectation of the usual "attack" when he got home from work."
"My brother is an attorney and this certainly gave me a head start because he was quite stern with me about 'cutting the emotional crap or I'd shoot myself in the foot."
"And after it is all said and done XNH turns to me and says "This was the best damn fight that I have had in along time and it really stimulated me intellectually." That's what he thought about losing his child and what he did to both of us - that it was all just a game. But I learned his game and played his game against him."
"I recall as a child that some of the best moments, best times when I felt the most confident and loved was when my parents were listening to me, really listening. I remember how good that felt, how warm the moments were and have tried to do the same for my children and as often as possible. It is simply wonderful watching their eyes light up as they tell me their thoughts or dreams or just how they feel about a particular event. In the rush of the day it is hard to make that time to listen but I set aside a portion of each day, even if it is only for 30 minutes or so to listen, affirm and exchange ideas."
THANK YOU FOR VISITING !!
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