Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 876

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Sailor2bill · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 204

Good for you Summer, I love your letter to paralegal (who does sound useless)! Can't you go straight to attorney and bypass her? The last thing you need right now is a useless paralegal. I know nothing of the laws in CA but can't you insist that you will not mediate with N because this has proved useless in the past and he is known to abuse you in every way, verbally, mentally and physically. State that you are in fear of him. Incidentally, I assume he did abuse you physically? I just take it for granted, as all Ns seem to do so.
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withall1sheart · Joined: 16 Apr 2007 Posts: 42

In my state, prior to mediation there has to be a Domestic Violence Screening process that either the Court or Mediator will conduct. If red flags are raised during the screening process, mediation should not take place.
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With All One's Heart

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 876

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livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 946

Summer,

Good for you for stating that you will not go to mediation without the reasons for mediation defined. It is a waste of money. And with an N, you have to define the issues before you walk in or he will completely confuse the mediation with chaos.

These Ns are all just alike. N here used to file motions without all the necessary paperwork as well.

Can you ask your attorney that instead of mediation, can you be appointed a special master? For the custody issue and for the divorce too? Or, can your attorney file a motion to dismiss or a motion for legal and mediation fees since this was an improperly filed motion?

vmm · Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 175

Summer
Please look up mediation in your Rules of Court. Read about it. Understand it. Please. This is very important. In many counties in CA, if one parent files an OSC the court automatically sets a mediation appointment. The court is required to. Before the judge hears your case. It is law in many counties. If one parent refuses to show up, or shows up with a "I hate the other parent and am not going to cooperate" additude, the mediator can "write you up" negatively to the judge, which would not be good for you.

This is not mediation (as in lets solve it today), per se, it a formality in the court process. It is a time for you to bring all your police reports, photos, stories about N not getting medical attention after the accident, drug tranactions, etc and have them heard by just one more person who has access to the judge (mediator). But never, never ever bash your X. Rolling Eyes

And the 3 mediators I met never wanted to even touch ANYTHING about financial issues. Keep it to the kids. and like graffiti on the wall, drug deals in house, concerned neighbors, previous abuse to son, etc. Just express that you are VERY concerned that these things are happening around your children because of N and look to the mediator for advise on what can be done to stop them. Mediator will of course immediately back off and CYA with a hands off additude. But then you will have met your mediation requirement and move forward to court.

If kids attny is siding with N, no wonder he wants to be there. In my county, no attys are allowed at this mediation.NONE. Your Rules of Court will tell you if kids attnys are allowed in your area. Here, it is a once shot meeting that both parents are REQUIRED to go to with just each other and the mediator... who by the way will have never met you, and most likely will never see you again and IMHO hears 80 of these couples meetings a week and doest dive a dam about yours anyway.

I have gone 3 times with N's nonsence filings. Different county than you. Once, I tried to change to change time so I did not have to miss work and was told by the people at the "mediation department", absolutely not, no changes to dates, be there at the time stated in the docs or else. At the last one, N had threatened me the week before at the kid's school, then acted up in mediation, so at the end of mediation, I asked for a guard to walk me out. I had this wierd feeling tha N was going to wait for me in the parking garage and, well I didn't know, but I knew he was on drugs at the mediation. Anyway, meditor told N to go out, had me wait 10 minutes, then a guard walked me to my car. And sure enough N was waiting. When he saw the guard, N got in his car. Guard waited until I was safe in my car with engine atarted an N had driven away. 6 story parking garage (divorce capitol, USA here) an N had made sure he parked 4 cars from me.

Maybe go to the mediation department and ask questions about what the process is. Be nice as always. Also, very important, please check your rules or court, online. Or go to the court house and ask for a copy, about 10-20 bucks. I did this 2 years into my case and wish I had done it the first day. Reading it will probably actually calm you , as you will maybe understand the sytem better, and be more informed when you type up those letters addressed directly to your attny to ask you attny about procedures due dates, what he has filed and when, etc.

Did your paralegal tell you you would need to write a written response? When would it be due and filed? What is the legal practicing address of N's attny. Look her up on the bar site to make sure she has paid her dues this month. Will you be serving your response to N though her? Find out from your attny.

Now I am confused because I thought that a while back your attny had filed contempt charges on the N? Was this in the court file when you reviewed it?

Summer, sweetie, I feel so much for you and your situation. Have been there and done that with a simular sort of N, and aside form losing the entire life I worked and gave my career up for for ten years,. I did maintain primary custody of my children (much younger than yours) and fought like hell to keep my house, because I knew, for me, N would have me in the gutter if I ever left my house. But I researched and fought and read and fought and wrote letters to my attny every other day. The only way out for me was to go personaly to the courthouse every week or so and nose around, read cases, listen in the halls, go to the "pro se help" document centers, ask ask ask. I started going to the court every Fri because, like your, my N would just file stuff and I had to go to the window every week, pay for a printed docket and see what N had filed against me that week. Then my dad(knows nothing about attnys or law stuff) told me to start opening my ears, talking to people at the windows, reading cases, watching attnys, listening in the halls to see what I cuold do to get my self out of the mess N had me in. It actually was what worked. Then once my attny caught on that I was very serious about this and keeping custody, and had the actual documents and evidence for him to "present and win" the case he reacted to me differently.

Put together a packet on the house, put to gether a list and "exhibits" on the accident. Put together a sheet what you think N's real financial numbers are and reasons why. Put together a packet of all the police reports on the house. You are the owner, go to the police station and get the reports. Make an action plan for you to get to school. Go enroll. Do you think the judge will actually make you drop out of school once you are enrolled and doing well? Maske a chart of N's historical earnings. A big one. Write your attny(not paralegal, for the upteeth time) and ask him when he will be filing the Gavron motion on N. Ask attny to send copies of the contepmt he filed. Enclose copies of parlegals email stating his office filed this.

For so long your attny has been saying play nice and it will come out bad for N in court. What has your attny (not paralegal) commited to do for you to make this happen? Hugs. No legal advise here, just my opinions. And no i don't make my living typing as you can see.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 876

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ohgal · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 129

(((((Summer)))))~
I have been taking a break from this forum lately...but OMG! I am so sorry to read all that you are going through. I have told you many, many times, that your N and mine could be twins. My D is just 4, so I see myself experiencing everything that you are going thru with your N for many more years.
It sounds to me like your N is one of the sneakiest, most cowardly men I have read about on this Forum.
How DARE he keep doing this to you? Oh yeah, that's right, because you had the COURAGE and STRENGTH to leave him. I know it is horrible for you right now...but please try to summon up some of that strength to fight this with all you have. Maybe, this will be the one time where your N will be seen for what he is. If, in fact, he and his atty. are going about this through different channels (not following protocol) this could look very good for you. He could not "charm" his way out of that.
Special Masters sound wonderful! Ohio doesn't have them, or if they did, I'd be using one right now. I hope you can look into it, and see if maybe you can get one assigned. I agree with you about mediation..it is another avenue for the N's to abuse us. Not physically, of course, but you know, the degrading tone they speak in about us, the non-verbal actions by them (eye rolling, glaring, sighing, etc..) ANd most of the time, NO ONE picks up on this non-verbal stuff, or if they do, we are considered "emotional women". Been there, had that said about me. (actually, our GAL for D told my atty. that "Ohgal needs to "grow a set" and stand up for herself!!") Nice, huh???
ANyways, Summer, you are in my thoughts and I am praying that you fight this with all you have. Your N has taken so much from you..do not let him take your fighting spirit!
((((((SUMMER)))))) Stay strong!

Sailor2bill · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 204

Summer, you need to stop for a moment, take a deep breath and get down to basics on this. There is a wealth of excellent advice here, you just need to use that which is directly applicable to your circumstances.
On the one hand there is N with his manipulation and control and maybe his ability to overwhelm you in a face to face confrontation, with the mediator present. So, as you've said you should try at all costs to avoid a face to face with N.
On the other hand, you have very substantial documented evidence and photographs detailing the sort of life N leads and to which S15 is exposed. You should produce everything, including the police caution (outdated or not). The child abuse details should be given. Throw everything at him. This documentation etc. will speak for itself and you should not have to 'join battle' with N at his level.
The advice to research EVERYTHING with regard to court procedure etc. is excellent. You have already started on this yourself by interpreting the 'coding' referring to child custody. Keep cool, calm and collected even in the presence of N if it unavoidably comes to that. The simple facts are on your side, don't let N bluster his way around the facts of the matter.
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Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 876

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vmm · Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 175

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 876

deleted

vmm · Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 175