Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

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It all has to do with how you think about the situation. Yes he put you through hell and inflicted terrible pain on not just you but the children as well by being the way he is and yes you have to continue sharing the children with him BUT and it is a big BUT you are no longer married to the guy. That is a big one.

Every time you are in his company, think of all the things that he can no longer subject you to, such as:

You no longer have to do his laundry, his meals, have him in your bed, at your table, in your bathroom, have him in your living space, in front of your TV, have to look at him first thing when you get up and last thing before you go to sleep at night etc. The list could go on. These are your victories. Celebrate them by thinking of what you no longer have to do for him whenever he is in your company. Yes, you are in contact with him at school events and other situations that involve the children but these situations only last a short time and then you move on back to your life without him. Start to regard him and treat him as you would a co worker that you have to work with but don't like. Don't make it personal, just go along to achieve the required objective which is to get things done for the children. I know most of us hate group work but when there is a project at stake that directly reflects what we are about, we are forced to get engaged. Your shared project is the raising of sensible, considerate and adaptable human beings who can go out into the world and do you and themselves proud. Try and think of everything you have to do with him from the kid's point of view. If he wants to play power games regarding an issue to do with the children always turn the conversation to what will benefit the kids and how.

As for your children not wanting to have to see him, since the joint custody thing has already been set by the Court make the most of a bad situation. Tell the kids that they need to get to know both their parents so that they can decide how they want to be when they grow up. Top that up with the fact that we all get the different things that we are from both parents but we cannot properly decide who we are and want to be unless we get to know both sides. It is a polite and indirect way of letting them know that they have a choice about who they become. Make their going to their Dad's a fun event by having them have special things that are specific for his place so that they can have something to look forward to when they go there. I know it is no fun but you have to play along.

Don't forget to do everything with a smile. Count backwards from five to zero to avoid snapping back at him whenever he tries to wind you up. Avoid getting drawn into his detailed arguments if he ever goes there. Get into the habit of both of you writing out what you want done for your own protection just in case he ever tries to set you up to be regarded as a bad parent. Since you are not from the US, best make sure he can't find a way to undermine your right to be in the country. Plus, since you don't have family there, best to have some friends who you will always tell when you are going to have contact with him and make sure he knows that there are people keeping an eye out for you.

I am not in this situation since mine have no contact with their Dad but I have a friend who has perfected this technique and it seems to work for her. Hope it helps you too.

Almostfree, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your baby. I have 5 children myself and I can not and do not want to imagine what you have been through.

Congratulations for being strong enough to get out and to get this far. I can't believe a judge signed a decree that said you can't move more than 5 miles away! That is preposterous!

Survivor gave some very good advice, and hopefully it will help you. I am wondering if you can't look down the road a few years at having the custody modified. I live in Texas and you can't modify for a year, I think. Maybe what you can do for now is to keep documentation of everything, including his interactions with you. Even though you have to communicate about the kids, you don't have to talk to him on the phone. You can insist that all communication be in writing by either text or e-mail. I did that even before a judge gave me a No Contact order. He would try to call but I did not answer. Once he insisted on calling me at work where we have no caller ID and I told him to e-mail me and hung up on him. He didn't like that, lol!

Anyway, my point is that this doesn't have to be over. Do your best to minimize contact for now and celebrate your freedom. Keep record of ALL interactions with him. If you do have to talk on the phone, record the calls. Some states require both parties be aware they're being recorded. In Texas only one party has to know. Keep dates and times recorded of his visitation, whether he was late, etc. Keep record of his child support payments. All of this over time may build a strong case that you can take back to court and get your custody modified. Especially considering your boys do not want contact with their dad.

Also, there's always the possibility that he will become bored with you guys after a while and put minimal effort into it. The less you have to deal with him the better.


Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
-Rebecca

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