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Daughter's Narcissistic Boyfriend

Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" and 8 other books about personality disorders and abuse in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. He is the owner and moderator of support forums and the first person to have written about the Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) online (in 1997). He invented many of the terms currently used to describe the disorder and its effects on family, the workplace, and in various professions.

Where to go to ask Dr. Sam questions. This is intended as Questions to Dr. Vaknin and his responses

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Daughter's Narcissistic Boyfriend

Postby cak » Sat Aug 23, 2008 4:47 pm

I am new to the group. My daughter is in her late 20s-she has been on her own since 21. We have always had an excellent relationship with her until she met her current boyfriend. He managed to get her to quit her good job for another because it held more prestige than his. He is arrogant, self-centered, and very controlling. Outwardly, you would think he is wonderful-he isn't mean or demanding that we see. He gets his way through flattery (lame at that). My daughter is very well-educated and has always made good choices -up until now. She clears everything through him. She now has virtually has no friends (neither does he), and he is working on getting rid of us. If we even so much as send her a gift card, she gets angry at us. He watches her money like a hawk-he is extremely cheap! For her birthday he gave her a card that said .."you look like a monkey and smell like one, too." She thought it was cute (he is 30 yrs old). Recently I visited her (I am her mother), and she publicly berated me in front of boyfriend because I didn't answer her question fast enough! Boyfriend said not a word-just watched. She is constantly telling me how not to talk to her (don't raise your voice, don't look upset, etc).She was NEVER like this! She has even started neglecting her cats because he doesn't like them (she has had them for 8 years, and has treated them as though they were her childern). I had to force her into taking one to the animal hospital because she ignored its health (boyfriend didn't want her to spend the money). The poor creature died.
She used to talk to us only when he was present, but lately she calls whenever she is alone (driving to/from work, or before he gets to her apartment). She has been dating him for about a year, and she thought she was getting an engagement ring this past Christmas, but his best friend does not like my daughter, so it never happened. (Best friend said "Don't do anything until I meet her." He listens to this guy like you wouldn't believe. ) I am praying that a marriage will never happen.
They came for a visit in the spring-he didn't bathe or change his clothes for the entire 3 days! Whenever I hinted at this to my daughter, she said that she hadn't noticed!
Is there any hope? I am getting myself physically sick over this. Is there anyone out there who can advise me, or even help me to help my daughter? I want to break off all contact with her, but my husband refuses to give up. This is breaking my heart.
Thanks for listening.
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Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2008 2:21 pm



Postby samvaknin » Sat Aug 30, 2008 6:59 pm

Your daughter is an adult and as such has the right tomake her own choices and commit her own mistakes. You acn share with her your concerns and refer her to literature, but that's just about it. Anything else would not be legitimate and would border on stalking.

These may be of help - click on the links:

Rescue Fantasies - Surviving the Narcissist


The Malignant Optimism of the Abused


The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive


Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder


The Dependent Patient - A Case Study


Danse Macabre - Trauma bonding and the Stockholm Syndrome


The Cult of the Narcissist


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