Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Hi ,

I need all your help and advice, I need to protect my 4 year old.
I had been divorced for 4 years, my ex manipulates me with our daughter... I am going in Dic 14th to court because he is fighting 50% custody.
I stongley believe that he has a narcissistic personality (he has all the traits) He is very smart I mean VERY wich it gets scarry.
HE had been showing to the right people (coordinator,CFI) that he is the greatest father of all, He will even put a show infront of my neighboors when they are outside during the exchange. He is constantly trying to make me look like the overprotective mother, he even tried to make the parent coordinator belive that I am the narcissist , and alienator, (wich it did not go well for him)
He knows how to put a show.
As an example I had my little one with high feever 103 for a day and a half, I asked him if she can stay at home, he told me we can exchange the day (he will never give up a min with her,just to fight me) for friday I said I cant friday so then he said no we do not do the exchange. I told him he can come and visit her if he wants (he constantly acuses me of trying to take away his time with her) HE did not care and threten me if I was not on time he will call the police, I took our fragil daughter at the time and took pictures of her and him in the exchange. As alwayse I recived 4 nasty emails that day with lies, and acusing me of everything you can imagen. This is an example of my daily life. And that he really does not care for our daughter is more of a fight to show me that he will win.
HE prefers to leave our daughter in daycare and not with me. I just found out he did not get ther health insurance since june.... I genuine father like he shows he is would never do that. HE is so persistant in wanting to have her more hours, and try to show of with her...
I can see her beeing stressed to get his attention, she tells me he calls her stupid, and she worries when she is with me that he will be crying because he is alone..... HE would tell her that she is not a princess!!! (in this age little girls are in to cindirela and all the princesses) As a mother I worrie knowing what are his intentions, I fear that he will expose her to any danger because its about him being acepted or liked over anything , He will not let my daughter be available to speak with me on the phone even if the coordinator said is ok, he will not let her say by to her grandma that comes from out of the country each 2 years, He will not let her spend time with the aunt that she lives with on her b day... He will keep all the clothes that I buy for her and send her in pj, or small clothes HE knows that she is in to chosing her favrite clothes, he would bring her with her hair not brushed from all the weekend and dirty I have friends that witnesses this and were shocked. When she was so sick he had feed her ice cream and at my house in the exchange will make her tell me out loud so he can film he is capable of putting her in danger just to manipulate his way. HE has money and will read and inform himself for any chalenge. HE does not want my daughter to go to visit my family he is stating that he fears that I will not bring her back. (I will never ever do such thing) His friends for 10y are not talking to him because of what is he doing to our daughter, and they know that I am a nice person (mabye stuped some times I do not understan how I did not see his true colors)
I am more than happy to give you all more ditails if you need it in order to help me.
I know that there has to be justice for my little one and a healthy life for both of us, Please help me I am sooooo worried.
I have a lot of emails and text messageing, I have a book of dates of things that he did related to my little one from him, I got to the pont to expose him in a lie with the teacher at school. Ofcourse he made me pay for that.... harassing me with texts and emails.
My lawer is telling me there is nothing I can do, probably at the max put a restraining order against him he sais that if my daughter has feever and he wants to have her so what I should let him have her , he sais that under the court eyes my ex will look like a pearson that can take care of a kid... . He is reading some emails that I had put together and will let me know if there is something...
I want to do my homework because I know this cant be it, there is so much pscological damage.
I apologize for my misspelling and gramar I am a native Bolivian and I am still working on righting skills....
I am positive that with help I will be able to do a better home work and do something for my daughter I will not give up, HE can be smart but I can be smarter with a group of heads.

Well sorry if I overwelmed you all.
Thanks,
Claudia

OK, try to calm down. That's his first tactic is to keep you in a fearful state so you can't think rationally. It's great that you are keeping track of his tactics and taking pictures. You need to keep all his texts and e-mails, too, and there is no law that says you have to talk to him on the phone.

Your ex sounds a lot like mine, and the best thing that ever happened so far is he tried to make me look crazy in court and the judge saw right through it. The judge ordered No Contact and exchanges through an exchange service. That has been a lifesaver for me.

If your lawyer is not sounding helpful could you shop for another? I know it's expensive and a hassle - I went through that myself.

Guys like him do not fool as many people as they think they do. If you have pictures and e-mails and stuff saved and you work on staying as calm and stable as you can then the coordinator and the judge will see right through him. The most important part is documentation. Just going into court and making these claims will only make you look just as bad as him.

If you feel you need a restraining order, get one. Then when he violates it you'll have more ammo against him.

I have been going through a custody battle for the last year and a half with my ex - who I am still married to. If you want to ask me questions, feel free. I've been through a lot - even the thing with the clothes not getting returned. these guys are so predictable. It's all about control to them, remember that. Don't let him control you.

just found out he did not get ther health insurance since june

The judges, pcs, evaluators, ect need to know If X stopped her health insurance and did not tell you, especially if he emails you 3 times a day blabbering about what a bad mom you are (or whatever)

Rebecajoy,

Thank you so much for your reply I am in tears to know that I have someone that can understand me it might sound silly I even feel a little safer.

I want to thank you for taking your time in guiding me to.
You r right right now it will be monetarly way imposible to change lawyers.... I owe so much to this one. and my understanding is I have to pay him in full before I change to another one....

I have to think clear and like you said be strong and smarter I feel that because of me being so scared I just was so impulsive and I just cry I feel that my lawyer is not getting my point or he just wants to finish this battle and thats it, HE keeps telling me you just have to live with it, I asked him about having a third party for the exchanges I feel that my ex will have to behave better and really put a show, you know what i mean he will have to be more carefull in returning the little one brushed clean, with her clothes, and if she is in high feever the third party will see how unsensitive is he. My lawyer said "you do not want to go there it will be a nightmare for you"..... What do you recomend me? How did your children cope with the third person? Did your ex tryied to charm the third person?
If your rememmber a=of anything I also should know please let meknow. I want to find a way to help all mothers that are in our situation good moms that are viewed like crazy and n fathers taking our children for their selfish ways and so unfair for our childern, do you happen to know about any movement of woman?
How are you doing is there anything I can help you? If you have any questions? mabye I can halpp you in some thing.

Again thank you , Have a nice day I will be waiting for your response Be positive and strong.

Sincerly,

Claudia

Hi, Claudia. Your lawyer sounds like a jerk, no offense. A judge ordered an exchange service for my case and it has been a God-send for us. We do have to pay a fee per exchange, but it has been worth it to have that third party arranging exchanges and documenting everything. I have not had to talk with my ex for over a year and I've only seen him in court or sometimes walking in or out of the exchange building. The place we use has rooms and a playground for the kids to use while they wait for the other parent. I take and drop them off, sign them in and pay and then I leave before he comes usually.

You should not have to pay off your lawyer before you get another, and if he told you that, FIRE HIM NOW! I could be wrong, but that doesn't seem legal. Your state should have an attorney grievance hotline that you can call for advice and help. If your attorney is not listening to you or working the way you want him to, it's better to put your case on hold and look for another than it is to lose out on what's best for your daughter. You don't need to threaten him, but he does need to know that you are informed of your rights and he is getting paid to protect you and your daughter.

Take a deep breath and gather up your strength. You can do this, and you will win.

-Rebecca

Rebeca,
I will not stop saying Thank you!!! for your support : )
You are right I have to just step up with my lawyer and make sure he understands what I need to protect my little one. I have it inside my heart that I dont think he is really interested in my case he was fired up after the mediation and now I feel he is not as motivated...
By the way I remember that the mediator had sujested that he can right a letter saying that I was willing to meet half way and my ex was not wanting to get anyware.. I told my lawyer and he told me that The mediators cant do that. I am pretty sure I heard the mediator.. Do you happen to know about that?
I will also search and talk with other lawyers you are very right, I cant sleep thinking that my daughter cant be protected and myself from this N its such a hard life etc, Actually my therapyst told me that she thinks we should get a third partty. I will look in to that to and have my therapyst wright a letter for me to have as more evidence.
If you remember anything let meknow.
How are you doing? how old are your little ones?
We have to find a group of mother and have some law to protect our children big time.
Have a good day, And thank you for your kindness
Claudia

Claudia,
I'm sorry I don't have experience with the mediation thing. My ex would never agree to it. The one time we did sit down with both our lawyers he made a lot of promises that he never kept, so I decided it was pointless to try negotiating with him. Everything my kids need has to be court-ordered so that if he doesn't live up to it he faces a fine or jail time.

If you do some reading you might be able to find out what the Family Law rules are in your state. Don't take your lawyer's word for it. There are some good attorneys out there, but remember when it comes down to it...it's a paycheck for them. For you, it's your life.

Sorry I can't give more help there. My kids and I are doing OK for now. I'll be glad to have this trial overwith next Monday (hopefully).

-Rebecca

Claudia....

I haven't personally been through mediation but through people I know who have been, mediators typically do not report anything to the courts about what went on during the session. All they are allowed to report is the results of mediation and possibly whether it was successful or a failure.

Rebeca thank you so much for your help,
I wish you the best for Monday I will be waiting for you to let me know how it went and be praying for god to give the light to the JUDGE for once and for all. PLEASE be positive it will go in favor of you and your kids be sure of that.
I will be doing my search If there is anything I can help you with let me know.
Hugg your kids.
Sincerly ,

Claudia

Wenzip,

Thank you for your help to, it is interesting to learn more and more.
So can the mediator report how willing was eather party to get to an agreement ?
Sorry if im missing it, I tend to ask 3 times....

Hope you are doing well
Claudia

Sorry I'm late chiming in....hubby got laid off and my dad's care needs have ramped up quite a bit.

It would be very unlikely for the mediator to report who was willing and who was less than willing. Just whether or not it was a success or fail situation.

O got it Thank you...
I hope everything gets better : )

Mediation can be either a good thing or a bad thing. I have been though mediation many times and half the time I have been strong armed into something I did not want, and did not feel comfortable with. The Mediator can report to the Judge what happened. Usually they are just there to say where things went well or didn't go well. but they CAN say that you were willing to give and give more. Your Attorney should ALSO be able to walk into court and say "my client offered this, this and this. and the ex refused to accept any of it." Your attorney SHOULD be letting the judge Know EXACTLY how willing you were to do something AND Exactly how UNwilling your ex was. be VERY careful that the mediator doesn't twist things and force you into something you don't want. (I've even had them threaten me on many occasions.)
it is GREAT that you are keeping records of everything. you need to be VERY prepared when walking into court. the more ammo you have against your ex the better you are. I did MUCH better in court when I could walk in and PROVE his lies.
As per the attorney you can get a new attorney at ANY time, whether you've paid off your current attorney or not. I honestly wouldn't tell the new attorney that you haven't finsihed paying the old attorney, otherwise they may think you won't pay them and they won't take your case. I've gone through half a dozen attorney's myself. They saw me coming and saw how naive I was and took all the money I gave them, then they screwed me over. make sure to RESEARCH your attorney really well. check around and find out who attorney's do NOT want to go up against. Check their conviction and win rates. also make sure they are an attorney for MOTHER's rights and NOT Father's rights.

DON'T talk to your ex on the phone unless the call is recorded. try to have ALL communication with him in writing. I was able to trip my ex up and win more on our case because I had info in writing that he said and did. i also learned how to monitor my responses to him and I tried VERY hard to ALWAYS be as civil and nice as possible. (he HATED that). when we went to court it showed good on my part and made his responses to me look VERY bad.
having your child in therapy is always great. just make sure you have a therapist that WILL go into court for you. many won't.
As per 3rd party exchange service, it can have it's pros and cons. a good thing is your ex will usually straighten up for that time and show himself better. You also don't have to deal with him any more and it saves SO much hassle, stress and problems on your end. The downside is you usually don't have as much to use against him in later court dates because he does try to show that he's a good dad to those people and you no longer have alot of your ammo. So it really comes down to if you want to relieve the stress and problems or not. these places do charge a fee for their service, but if your attorney can show that the problems are mainly on his part and if his income is better then yours then you can have it requested and ordered that he cover the entire service fee of the exchange.
Another option you have is a Guardian Ad Lidem, this is an attorney for your child and are usually paid for by the state and no cost to you. This attorney does not look at what is best for you or your ex, they look at what is best for the child. They can be nice to have but be aware that they are not YOUR attorney and so some of what they suggest may NOT be what you want and a judge will usually grant what ever the Ad Lidem suggests.
I have 3 kids by 3 different dad's and I've dealt with over 8 years in and out of court with the different ones, for MANY different issues. My son's dad (my oldest ) is a HUGE N and doesn't give a dang about my son. the only thing he cares about it making my life miserable at ALL costs.
I hope this info helps you out.

hurley8869:

Thank you so much for your advice.

It si for a lot of help as you can imagen everything that I can learn and know will help me so much in knowlage and time I have one more thing to not be worried about searching and have that time in searching for more info.

I really will look for a new lawyer and great point one for womens rights... And I will do more questions, thank you for telling me about the money I will not let them know that I did not finish to pay my other lawyer : ).

About the mediator great to know I will tell my lawyer that I want him to say to the judge what happened and how he did not want to do anything.

I feel it is really strange that after the mediation my lawyer was so mad at my ext he said he will fight him!!! and now he is not agresive at all there is something going on honestly his atitude changed.

Any advice you want to give I am all ears. I was ooo naive and still I am I am getting better to have more lknowlege

I will get him and get my daughter to live a better life

How are you?. Do you have your kids? did it went well for you now?

If there is anythig I can do to help let me know