Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Legend · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 124 Location: Southeast USA

I know a lot of the newbies that come here would love an explanation on what to do if they decide to get out. I know many times this is asked and was wondering if a sticky could be made about planning. I don't see that as an option for me. I'm assuming that only the moderators have this option.

It may be that there already is a list posted on this board somewhere that I haven't managed to find.

I just thought by creating a sticky here on the General Message Board would be great for those who come to us wondering what they should do. First and foremost, I believe, is to never tell your N that you think they are an N or anything about NPD!

Hugs,
Legend
_________________
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

"Realize your personal legend." Paulo Coelho

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1370 Location: Connecticut, USA

Yes, as a newbie, I would like to know more about how to plan to get out. My husband has used divorce as a threat - sell the house, split the kids, dissolve the family business. Great - no home, no income, and I can't even imagine having my kids live with me any less than full time, and especially not with HIM. I'm afraid of what will happen to my kids if he gets shared custody. Rationally, I know that I'm giving in to him by allowing my fears to keep me here, but my fears are real. No court is going to take away his parental rights. Everyone thinks he's the greatest guy. No one would ever believe me. Once when he was arrested for domestic violence, the court psychologist said to me, "Oh that poor man. He's just so upset because he loves you so much." A psychologist!!! Who would ever believe me?

batterpeake · Joined: 23 Feb 2007 Posts: 14

Yes, I would like information like that as well.

My wife, also, keeps threatening divorce, but somehow I don't believe that she will ever go through with it. I have to get up the courage to leave.

But the kids are a real issue. I'd like them to stay with me, but she will never agree to that. She thinks I am the crazy one, of course!

Batterpeake

Legend · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 124 Location: Southeast USA

Hey Nancy,

You were the one I had in mind when I posted.

I've been where you are. When I first thought of separation it was over five years ago. He threatened me that if I left him that he would get custody of our child and make me look like an unfit mother. Basically, I would be left with nothing! I believed him so much that I just coward back into my cave I had been living in just to deal with him.

I must say at that time I had no idea about NPD. NPD, I only learned about in the last 8-9 mths. With that said, his behavior five years ago would have been enough for anyone to leave. Thinking I was at fault, hoping he would change, not understanding his word salad and having basically been 'brain-washed' for lack of a better word kept me right there with him.

Hugs,
Legend
_________________
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

"Realize your personal legend." Paulo Coelho

thayilflies · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 499

Some useful advice (via Riccy) is to never JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). I think it is an excellent rule of thumb to abide by when dealing with manipulative people.

sag07 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 537 Location: Elgin, IL

Legend

Thanks for your post and is what I am in the process of doing (getting a mental valuation) more for myself. I am still suffering from the aftermath of this toxic relationship and the many poor choices made by my xN with the children's care and concerns. But yes, I second the section or topic in a plan to get out of a bad relationship be it N or a P disorder. Would be a great tool for other members and hope one can be added to this forum

Sag

Legend · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 124 Location: Southeast USA

Sag,

If you are worried about the eval, it's ok to be. I know I was. The questions I second guessed what was really being asked. However, the evaluators want you to answer with your gut feeling as to how you have been feeling for a certain time period.

The test I took is the MMPI2. More information can be found here, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Multiphasic_Personality_Inventory. I also took a test that showed my parenting skills. Make sure you ask for this as well. Anything that you think will help your case, explain what you think might be an issue (especially an issue that N might create in her own reality) and see if there is a test for it.

Hugs,
Legend
_________________
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

"Realize your personal legend." Paulo Coelho

sag07 · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 537 Location: Elgin, IL

Legend

Thanks, didn't know about that test and yes will request it and yes that will be an issue later on! Thanks again!

Sag

Lizzzy · Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Posts: 164

Thanks for the information Legend. It was a great idea. That was one of the reasons I started the poll on how the relationship ended. I wanted to get an idea of how many people had to actually leave their home or whether their partner left (kicked out or not).

miahawk · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 174

the MMPI2 is what you ultimately want the N to take and is generally accepted in court when administered by a qualified individual. it needs to be administered by a psychologist, not someone with a MSW or similar level of education.

miahawk · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 174

and seriously, for those of you who are being verbally and physically abused often, if there is any way to record some of the things that Ns say, I would. my XN's abuse was so random that I it would have been tough to catch it, but there was a time when the verbal abuse was pretty constant if I wasn't perfect at everything, because he couldn't bear to have me embarrass him by seeming to be less than the perfect wife. if I didn't have dinner ready when he got home, he might go off into a screaming fit. that would have been a good for the court to hear when it came to custody.

I'd be really really careful about it though, and store everything off premises and under lock and key.

samvaknin · Site Admin Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2316

Do not leave unprepared. Study and execute every detail of your getaway. This is especially important if your partner is violent. Be sure to make a Safety Plan – how to get out of the house unnoticed and the indispensable minimum items that you should carry with you, even on a short notice.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse21.html

Divorcing the Narcissist, Psychopath, Bully, or Stalker

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/5.html

Getting Help

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse19.html

Domestic Violence Shelters

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse20.html

Planning and Executing Your Getaway

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse21.html

Should You Get the Police Involved?

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse21a.html

Peace Bonds and Restraining Orders

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse21b.html

The Narcissist in Court

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq78.html

The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse2.html

Conning the System

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily10.html

Befriending the System

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily11.html

Working with Professionals

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily12.html

Interacting with Your Abuser

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily13.html

What to Expect

The Vindictive Narcissist

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq75.html

The Three Forms of Closure

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse17.html

Take care.

Sam

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1416

Legend, I made your post a sticky. This information is quite useful and I wanted it to stay toward the top.

Thank you!

Legend · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 124 Location: Southeast USA

Lemondroppr,

Thanks so much! I feel that this is very important!

Hugs,
Legend
_________________
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

"Realize your personal legend." Paulo Coelho

femfree · Guest

IMPORTANT KEY ISSUES FOR YOUR SAFETY

If you are convinced, or feel reasonably certain that you are in a relationship with a destructive narcissist, you may be tempted to do all or any of the following
Tell your partner that he or she is a destructive narcissist.
Confront your partner about their behavior and attitudes.
Leave this book where you partner can see it with the hope that they will read it and see what they are doing.
Give your partner the book and tell them to read it, since it’s about them.

Do not do any of the above, or anything similar. Here is why these acts are not helpful. Persons with a destructive narcissist pattern cannot see the behaviors and attitudes they exhibit as you and others perceive them. They are unaware of the impact on you, and are well defended against knowing. Further, your attempts to make them aware or get through to them will fail, and will be perceived as threats to their core essential self. This will bring out their defenses for protection. The defenses are likely to be hostile, aggressive, strong and immediately available to them, so that they are able to attack and mount a strong counteroffensive in a nanosecond. You generally do not win or make any headway, and can find yourself in a worse position than before.

From Nina Brown, Author Loving the Self Absorbed

____________________________________________________

(Note: members find this a VERY SUCCESSFUL Tactic)
How to Leave a Narcissist. The narcissist analyses (and internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt, superiority and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) and the resulting matrix of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are binary contraptions. Thus, the formula is very simple: Shift the blame to yourself ("I don't know what happened to me, I have changed, it is my fault, I am to blame for this, you are constant, reliable and consistent). Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and picturesque detail). Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel. Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain. Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you. BUT Make clear that your decision - though evidently "erroneous" and "pathological" - is FINAL, irrevocable and that all contact is to be severed henceforth. And never leave ANYTHING in writing.
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Author Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/archive35.html