Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 876

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livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 946

So......essentially......you are going to court over a change in custody because you wouldn't stay up until midnight to hand over s' football gear? And because you "appeared drunk" when you don't even drink?

Did you talk to or see the ExN sometime right directly after your surgery? Do you think he is taking something like that out of context?

I posted a Kansas court decision on the forum once. Mind you, it really wouldn't have any evidentary value in your case except if CA courts had never addressed the same issue. The issue related to a child (I think 15 or 16) who refused to visit his father. Dad sounded totally like an N or P to me, but was only diag as bi-polar. Anyway, long story short, the dad had anger issues. The court ruled that a minor child had no right to say "I don't want to see my dad." The court said the child's opinion could be considered, but shouldn't be the basis for a decision.

Now, your case is different because you don't have anger issues -- I think we all know you well enough here to say that. Your ExN put pressure on S to say he wants to live with him, but isn't the schedule in place, if it is allowing him to spend equal time with both parents, the "ideal" schedule in the court's eyes?

Take a deep breath. Your attorney is right. Go to mediation. Put on your best positive attitude during mediation. Be sure to make a statement to the mediator that you are committed to getting along with ExN and that you want what is best for your S. State that you don't agree with what the N is asking for, what he is asking for is not in S best interest, and be done with it. Also, remember what VMM said about the 401K -- you had a right to that to begin with, and he can't use it for child support.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 876

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vmm · Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 175

I don't rememvber that children are allowed at court ordered mediation.

401k - you get half, n gets half. Equals out. Separate issue form child support. It is an asset, not income.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 876

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Sailor2bill · Joined: 21 Feb 2007 Posts: 204

Summer, look at the facts here: All N has against you is, you left something outside the house by agreement to be picked up. N says you 'sound ' drunk, this is no more than hearsay. Anyone could say this about anyone else. They sound like very weak arguments and no match for what you have against N. He could be in for an unpleasant surprise.
N is clutching at straws, it is meaningless nonsense. If that's the best he can do, you should stop worrying. Against this you have all the factual evidence, child abuse, police warning, neighbors complaints, drugs, wild parties etc. Make sure you get all this lined up to present to mediator. Insist that it is taken into account, don't just sit there and take N's nonsense. Will anyone be there with you? It's much better if possible. A good attorney would make mincemeat of N with his 'frivolous' arguments. (I can't let that word go, now that I've heard it)
Remember to go in on the attack, stating that in view of N's record YOU want full custody. Turn the tables on him.
All you need to say is that you do NOT drink, this is N's wild imagination trying to find something against you. It is virtually an indication of his 'personality disorder' Try to throw THAT in if you can. You could state that you had surgery and you were taking painkillers. If you can avoid it, I would not say it is an ongoing thing. Surely you can produce medical evidence to prove your surgery and the susequent medication. I would challenge N to provide one scrap of evidence that you are an habitual drinker. Even if you were, this is no just cause to have a child taken from your care unless you were a complete alcoholic and the child was at serious risk of harm. (As he actually IS with N)
So far as S is concerned, it puzzles me that this is going to mediation over a 15+ boy, especially with the boy there. Obviously N is manipulating him, and I would say the fact that N wants S15 to decide is clear indication of this. No doubt he will be putting the words into S15's mouth. You should ask S15 at the mediation whether this is so! All you can do for now is explain clearly to S15 that this mediation is none of your doing, and neither is the chosen time of appointment. Make it clear you did NOT start this.
Perhaps you should ask your attorney whether your 'counter claims' have to be presented to N prior to the hearing. I'm always fearful of evidence being disallowed for some technical, legal reason at the hearing itself.
Can you remember I once said to my D that there comes a time when you have to stand up and fight? This is your time and you CAN do it, you've proved your capabilities on this site.
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Sailor

tryingmybest · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 27

Summer,
Without going into detail, I just want to say I feel that horrible sick feeling in my stomach right now for you. Been there, done that-our N's could be clones.

I'll be praying for you...Hang in there. I feel that at some point your son will start to see through his evil dad...both of my teenagers did. Just be your same self and don't stoop to his level...stick with the facts.

I think that's weird your son is required to be at mediation...never heard of that.

Maybe you could say something to your son like, "S, did you know your dad has set up mediation on blah blah date/time and you have to be there? I just found out about it...does he know you have practice at that time?" That way maybe he'll realize you had nothing to do with it.

401K-yes, it's definitely separate...nothing to do with income. I know because I just got done transferring funds from my 401K to his because even though he makes more money, I had more retirement money and had to give him some to make it even-ugh. And now I found out that my company made a mistake and transferred too much money-so they have to get the overage back from him. I'm just waiting to hear from people how I'm "stealing money from him again". Twisted Evil

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 946

Summer,

Just a side note regarding this request for mediation. I don't know if the mediator makes a report back to the court or not in California. They don't here unless one party refuses to comply.

Ns motion itself, given the timing, looks suspect. Also, his reasons for requesting the change in custody are filmsy. Wasn't it a little rude for the ExN to come over at MIDNIGHT and pick up the gear? Were you suppose to stay up and wait on him? And, as Bill states, the accusation that you "look drunk" is really grasping. Bill is right, make sure that you have some documentation that you had surgery and a legal prescription for any pain medication that you may have taken. If you actually have to discuss this issue, make sure the mediator understands that you didn't drive impaired and that the pain meds aren't some sort of ongoing issues, just taken as prescribed by the doctor.

If I was a mediator, and I saw a statement amount the CS needing to end because the 401K was being distrubuted, I would be suspect of ExN motives. It makes him look greedy, well, because he is greedy.

You need to decide if you should take your attorney's advise and simply indicate that the change in custody is not something you agree to, and stop there, or use this mediation as the opporunity to use the evidence you have against the N in reference to his inappropriateness. If the medation is non-binding, and the mediatior doesn't make a report back to the court, I would agree with your attorney's strategy, but if the mediator has some influence on the Judge's decision at trial, then I think I would present my evidence now the mediator.