Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1370 Location: Connecticut, USA

I will have my first court appearance on Monday. I've filed for child support and alimony. When N heard of it, he pulled out of our agreement over the business. Now my lawyer believes he is changing his mind again, and will buy me out after all. He is hard at work in the office every day, certainly not "winding down" the business as he claimed. He's still taking orders from customers, and was just awarded a pretty hefty contract today. I know because the customer sent it to my email by mistake. My lawyer thinks it was just a temper tantrum when things weren't going his way, and we have to be careful not to make him feel backed into a corner right now before we get his signature on the agreement.

N thought that the buyout for the business would count as child support. My lawyer said to his lawyer, "Even on your worst day, you wouldn't support that view." Both lawyers agreed the issues are separate.

The only time I've ever been in court before was to support the N when he had to appear on charges of domestic violence toward me. I went with him to tell the court psychologist what a good guy he really is. Later, he actually accused me of going with him for some underhanded reason, I can't even recall what it was at the time.

I don't know how to prepare. My lawyer said I only needed the financial affidavit I filled out when I filed. Is there anything else I should have ready? Questions I should prepared to answer? Now's the time for you veterans to share what you know.

I don't even know what to wear. My nicer clothes hang off of me so badly, I look like a bag lady. Would it be worth buying a new outfit? I thought it might be a nice distraction from the real stress.

fraggle_1972 · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 570

Ive only been to court once, and that was for a AVO against N...treat yourself to a new outfit, have a facial or manicure take you mind off it for a bit. A movie sunday night might be good too.

I was so daunted by it all, but only would have been in the court room for 5 minutes max.

In Australia there is no such thing as Alimony or spousal support and you dont need to go through court to get child support...you only need to prove parentage (ie birth certificate listing father) and the child support agency takes care of the rest.

You will be ok, your lawyer will be there by your side.

livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 964

Nancy,

I'm embarrassed to count the number of times I've been to family court. Embarassed

You and I are in different states, but I can tell you what I have experienced. Rarely do you have to speak at these "appearances." The attorney for the party who filed the motion generally speaks first, then the opposing sides attorney, then the first attorney will give a rebuttal.

There have been a couple of times when the Judge has asked a direct question to either myself or the ExN. Nothing out of the ordinary, and they were all things I knew off the top of my head. I have never had a judge be unpleasant to me in the courtroom.

I try to bring my journal and email historys with me to court, though I have never once used them. If you need anything, your attorney will tell you.

Good luck.

cangel · Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 317

Nancy,

While I never had to go to court the one piece of advice I can offer is based on a friends experience. She wasn't asked any questions and did not need to provide any information - the lawyer took care of all of the that. However, she had a difficult time remaining composed as she listen to the other attorney - particularly regarding her kids. You seem to be a very astute and "together" person but be aware that you may be listening to things you won't like.

About the clothes....new outfit definately and at a minimum power underwear!

I will be sending you positive thoughts Monday!

Cangel

dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

Nancy,

I haven't been to court (except jury duty...) so I have no advice. I only want to let you know that I will be thinking about you.

Definitely go get the new outfit. This won't be the last time you will want to have a decent outfit that fits you. There are plenty of sales going on right now.

You are quite practiced at appearing to remain calm under pressure. I would think that is the best preparation you will need! What has your lawyer said?

Dagna

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1370 Location: Connecticut, USA

OK, Cangel, I just have to ask. Perhaps I've been an old married lady for too long, but what exactly is "power underwear", where do I get it, and will it give me super powers? LOL!!!

cangel · Joined: 24 Feb 2007 Posts: 317

Nancy,

Definately, "power underwear" comes with super powers! My best friend and I have been using this since our first panicky job interviews ...... on occasion we have even sent each other some as a reminder to maintain our personal power.

It is available anywhere and is what ever you are in the mood for at the moment.....if you are stuck for ideas go for red lace! Works everytime.

LOL....you are going to be just fine!

Cangel

ohgal · Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 129

Nancy~ I have been to court more times than I can count SINCE my divorce in'04. Mostly they are just "status conferences" or things like that. I am scheduled to have a custody trial (at last) on 9/26. The best advice I can give you is to just be yourself! You sound like a well spoken, intelligent woman. This will come shing through. Even if you say nothing at all, the judge/magistrate will see your composure. My lawyer gave me that advice 3 yrs ago, and I still use it. I always dress professional. Not like I am going to church, but professional...a nice tailored shirt and a suit. My N on the other hand, shows up in his golfing attire, complete with sunglasses on top of his head!
Some advice:
*Always look the attorney/judge/magistrate in the eyes. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Look alert and maintain eye contact even if what your N's atty. is saying is total b***s***.
*Only speak if asked a direct question. And then be as brief as possible. Defer to your atty. if you need to.
*You will surely hear things that are going to make you MAD. The way I get through this is to imagine myself somewhere else (obviously, you will still need to stay focused on what is being said, however, "mentally remove" yourself from the negativity!!). If your N starts acting like a true N he will be the one who looks ridiculous to the judge, while you will be the one sitting there, maintaining eye contact, looking calm. The best example I can give you is about a year ago, when my N first started his full custody bid, we were before the magistrate. He (N) was representing himself at the time and was on a major power trip. (I am sure he expected me to refer to him as "sir" LOL!!!!) anyways, he was requesting a full psychiatric work up for me and wanted me to be "committed" as an in-patient . I sat there trying to be calm (believe me, I wanted to strangle him....) but as he kept talking I realized how crazy he sounded! The magistrate did as well, she didn't even look up at him while he was rambling about my "mental disorders". She finally told him that psychiatric evals were ordered only if BOTH PARTIES took them, and N went nuts. He began listing my mental disorders to her and said that he was the sane one, after all he is a "dedicated police officer", etc... She then asked him if he was a doctor as well since he felt qualified to make diagnosis. He got even madder saying that in his line of work he sees disturbed people all the time and knows one when he sees one. Guess what?? He ended up dismissing the motion when he found out HE'D also have to take any tests I took and that HE'D have to pay for them!!
This entire time, I said nothing! I sat there, calm as could be while my N's face got redder and redder, he began raising his voice and was visibly mad.
*Do something nice for yourself the evening before. Whether it is a hot bath with a glass of wine, a pedicure, etc. try to take your mind off of court. (I realize this is easier said than done, but try)
*TRY to get a good night's sleep the night before.

You will survive! This is sad to say, but I am having to go to these little status hearing every other month or so, and am sort of a "pro" at family court. Don't expect too much to get accomplished! I have sat there 3 hrs sometimes, waiting, only to find out that the hearing is "continued"

ABOVE ALL....BREATHE! We will be thinking good thoughts for you. You will do fine.

Summer · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 901

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livedthroughit · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 964

Nancy,

The other posters have given you some wonderful advice here.

I just thought of one more thing. Court to me usually consists of a lot of waiting. I have a whole relaxation routine (thanks OhGal for bringining this up), which starts with a bubble bath when I get up in the morning, I have a support person, usually mom with me, when I go to court. If she isn't with me, I bring a good book. There are two waiting rooms at the family law division where I go, and we make sure we sit in the one the N isn't in. If I'm early, I go to the restroom and take my time to wash my hands, use some lotion if I've got it. I'll say a little prayer, God let my d's best interests prevail today. Once in the courtroom, I try to think of something soothing and relaxing, maybe a lazy day at the beach, etc.

Sometime when you get to court, your issues end up getting continued. This happens in my case most frequently when N has to change attorneys. Your N might be near that point if he keeps breaking promises.

Oh yea, and here's a funny thought to think of in court if you need it. My ExN is a real case. We know he's an N but there is probably another issue there too, such as Paranoid Personality or he's a schizo-narcissist. Here he was, in court because a videotape showed him being inappropriate with our d. The daycare came forward with the same concerns. He'd made a lot of damning statements that really made him look like a preditor. He showed up to court one day in an old nasty t-shirt, cotton shorts, unshaven, and apparently unbathed. Now tell me, did that not scream "I am insane, I am insane..."

Best of luck to you...

Trinity · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 97

Ditto on what everyone here says!!!! AND GO POWER UNDERWEAR!!!!

I think the best advice to give is not to react to his or his lawyers tactics. Remain calm...make a note to your lawyer (take a notepad and pen). Don't make facial expressions....Answer any questions with factual answers and not any opinions. Just remember, the judge is watching yours and his every move!

Try to sit with your lawyer as a wall between you. This way if he is trying to stare at you or make faces, you don't look at him.

Ask to leave before and he wait a few minutes to leave so he doesn't corner you somewhere.

Don't wear too much jewelry....No matter what people say....human beings (judges included) will take in how you look...from your hair to your face...etc. and make a judgement before even hearing you.

If you have a journal, you may want to bring it to reference anything they may be talking about because they may purposely give bad dates to make your side look unorganized...

More later if I can think of anything!

NancyCT · Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 1370 Location: Connecticut, USA

OK, now I'm stressing out on my appearance. I thought getting a new outfit would be fun, but now that I know I will be judged on appearances, I'm more nervous than before.

I've never owned a suit or a "feminine" blouse. My hair is big and frizzy, and totally uncontrollable... and my nails - a manicure?!!! I keep them very short to play guitar/mandolin/violin, and I'm lucky to keep the garden grime out from under them. I have no idea how to wear makeup properly, and my skin is a mess with rosacea. My clothing and jewelry styles tend to fall into the "hippy chick" category. Please keep in mind that I've been working from my home since 1994, and my career was in horticulture before that. I've never had a dress-up job.

I do have very nice shoes, but I doubt anyone will even see them.

I tried lacy undies once, but they kept creeping and were uncomfortable. I looked like I had ants in my pants.

Maybe I can take a girlfriend with me to help find something suitable. I do have a close friend who wears makeup, which I never understood because she has beautiful porcelain skin that others use makeup to try to imitate.

Couldn't I just be me? Simple, plain, with my big frizzy hair and bad skin, but calm and reasonable?

He doesn't have a suit, either. Chances are, he will wear a short-sleeved linen shirt and chinos. Unfortunately, they won't see him pull up in his Porsche.

Trinity · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 97

OH...I didn't mean to make you nervous!!! As I am sure no one else did either..... YOU POOR THING!!! Ok.. I guess what I should've said was, don't overdo your image. Wear something nice that YOU would typically wear. If you don't typically do any manicures, etc....it's not wise to show up with a full set of nails because the N will point that out in a MILLISECOND!!!!

Just be calm, cool and collected! YOU WILL DO WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dagna · Joined: 18 Apr 2007 Posts: 493

Oh Nancy, I love your description of yourself. Of course you can just be you. I think the point is to make it look like you are taking this seriously, because you are. Don't wear makeup if it isn't natural. Just look nice.

Go buy a new outfit, one that you love, that makes you happy. Even if it costs more than you should spend.

And as a non-lace underwear person, I have to second-third-fourth the power underwear idea. Don't think of it as uncomfortable, think of it as a fun secret that you are keeping for yourself. It doesn't have to be lacey, but there is something empowering about it. Calvin Klein and DKNY make some non-lace power underwear. My first experience with this empowering-underwear feeling was when I filed for divorce-- on Valentine's Day this year. How romantic is that? (is that TMI?)

Trinity · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 97

Dagna hit it! Just take the REAL you in there...be confident in your outfit....

The power underwear.....its a secret for you... that HE won't know...... I personally bought something that I loved....that was sexy....and I thought to myself...."HEY BUSTER...you LOST ME AND A WHOLE LOT MORE!!!!!" and it was sort of a confident, i am doing it my way now feeling!!!

You have done GREAT so far!!!!! I read your posts and think to myself that you are on the right track and that is wonderful!

Get your girlfriend and go buy you something that you really like that fits you! This will be your FREEDOM outfit!