Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

motwgk · Joined: 19 Feb 2008 Posts: 60

My exN and I have a 9 year old adopted daughter. As part of the divorce, I have encouraged her and her father to have a daily phone call around 7:30 pm; a good time when she's winding down for bed. After 5 years, these calls are getting intrusive and one-sided.

She is now firmly convinced that if her dad doesn't talk with her every night, that he is dead and no one's told her. Conversely, if I don't get to talk with her when she's with him, she knows everything is fine and that we'll talk the next day.

If we're not going to be available at 7:30, I have her call him. Sometimes they get to talk, sometimes she leaves a message. In all cases, he has started additionally calling and leaving a message at 7:30 (so she'll "have a message when she gets home"). If she sees him in the morning, he will call that evening at 7:30 (he "misses her and wants her to know it"). I now have turned the answering machine off so there will be no extra messages when we're not home.

When she is with her father for a week at a time, their home phone "doesn't work" - it's been a year now, although it works on weekends when she's there, just not when she's there for a week. I am asked to call him on his cell phone; however, he's not home from work by 7:30, so I get voice mail and rarely get to talk with her.

When we have communicated about telephone access, he has made it clear that he has such little time with her that they don't always make time for phone calls. I offered to stop Saturday calls altogether, to maximize weekend time, but he said that she should be free to talk with him whenever she wanted, why would I deny them access?

I guess I have two questions. First, should I continue letting them talk on a daily basis? She is truly the adult in the relationship, convinced that dad can not be happy without talking with her. I'm concerned that she needs to realize that he will be fine without talking to her every day. Second, I need advice on dealing with not being able to reach her regularly. I know it's a game on his part; he's trying to bait me into sending an email on this topic so he can pick a fight. I get very tired of taking the high road, doing the right thing, and never getting reciprocity, although I try not to put my daughter in the middle of all this.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

samvaknin · Site Admin Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 2268

Hi,

These may be of help - click on the links:

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse12.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse13.html

Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4727

Take care.

sam