Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

Has anyone had to deal with his or her initial PTSD turning into long-term clinical depression? I've dealt with what was either a milder form of depression or perhaps burnout while in law school. However, I've never dealt with something with such a duration or intensity. Granted, in the wake of my ex-NPD fiancee leaving me, I've also worried often about my father, who had a serious illness from 2007 to late last year.

I don't talk about such serious issues to make light of them but because I've personally experienced them for quite a long time and in practically every situation (including a recent vacation, which was wonderful and stress-free). I've noticed and have hoped for a long time that my concentration has been greatly affected off and on for the last two years. Both small and big tasks at work sometimes seem impossible because I can't seem to focus. While I have spurts during which I seem to be able to get things accomplished, I keep falling back into a "deer in headlights" malaise. I experience the same problems with activities which were once enjoyable for me: reading, watching movies, and watching baseball and football games.

Also, I find myself with generally less enthusiasm and interest in things I once routinely did: exercise, church, cooking, and spending time with friends and family. Frequently I feel fatigue, lethargy and a general restlessness of my soul. Things which have always come easy to me, such as writing, are seemingly impossible at times. This leads to frustration, confusion, and sadness. Sometimes I've wondered whether I was getting dumber or what was wrong with me.

While experiencing the above symptoms or issues, I haven't always thought about my ex-NPD. However, at times I have and sometimes feel very sad not so much over her but the ghost of who I thought she was. It's almost as if I've been mourning a death - that's the way it feels. This has been unlike any other break-up I've ever experienced. Then I get sad and down on myself because I was fooled so badly (despite knowing how convincing NPDs can be).

Since the "D & D" I've battled recurring feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. These feelings have been made stronger because of my inability to concentrate and my lack of productivity at work.

Also, the most mundane of everyday activities, such as folding laundry, cleaning my home, washing my car, and buying groceries have seemed impossible at times.

I've tried dating again, and while finding dates and having a fun time on dates has not been a problem...opening myself up to deeper relationships has been so frightening I've been unable to do so. This has further deepened my frustration and sadness about myself.

During the last two months these feelings have snowballed into really painful and dark thoughts. I wouldn't harm myself, but I have wondered at times if everyone in my life would be better off without me. Now that the other problems and feelings have lingered and that some have intensified, and now that the darkest of these feelings has arisen, I've decided that this isn't just going to go away. I'm a proactive person, and I know I need help with these problems. What I'm trying to determine is: 1.) are these feelings and thoughts I've had symptoms of clinical depression; and 2.) has anyone else developed depression so long (2 years for me) after a relationship with a narcissist?

It's been difficult being honest about this, but that's what I've chosen to do. I hope someone can offer some feedback. Thank you.

I am not a doctor or therapist but it certainly sounds to me that you are depressed. I have had multiple episodes of major depression (now called chronic) which I do believe I can thank my NM for, and a few of which coincided with the end of my relationships with some N men.

I have been told that I will always require antidepressant medication (haha, we'll see about THAT!) and I've been on it off and on for about 20 years now. It definitely helps and I do not think I would be alive without it.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy and EMDR, which I have started in the last 2 years, have also both helped and I believe will allow me to one day go off the antidepressants.

I have noticed that when I am depressed I am unlikely to (1) notice it (2) admit it and (3) want to bother getting treatment for it. But eventually it occurs to me that I am depressed and then I finally go get treatment which always helps. Now that I have been able to really work on what I believe are the root issues of the depression, I think I can kick it for good.

That is my experience and I wish you well.

Hi Wendall and Performance, Im moving your posts to the main forum so that you will get some more answers. Its in the read only section at the moment.

Its a brave subject to bring up and one I think many people will identify with.

I have never had deep clinical depression in my life till my recent experience with my N.

I could not think, had no motivation and felt as though I was losing my mind. Very very scary...but there is help out there. These people suck away your very soul and leave you feeling as if you are a shell of what you used to be. You can and will fill that shell up with an even more beautiful stronger person than you once were.

Although prescription medication can and does work I recommend starting with 5-HTP which can be purchased at a health food store. Start with 100 mg 2xs a day...up it a bit if you do not see results in the a few days. Most definitely go get some counseling.

I swear it will get better. Just focus on doing one thing a day that you did not do yesterday. My heart goes out to you I know how hopeless it can seem. We are all here to help.

Hi Wendell,

I'm having an extremely difficult time with this too. My brain doesn't even work most of the time. I can't read a book, where I used to read a lot. Can't focus on a movie. I had depression before my N D&Ded me and now it's unbearable. Sorry I don't have any answers, just letting you know you're not alone. I don't know what to do about it. Antidepressants give me bad side effects. I'm on other meds and don't know about some of them with that 5HTP that Darhma suggested.

I'm too exhausted to go out or even get dressed most days. I only go out for therapy. Sometimes the depression is so bad I have to take a sleeping pill to knock myself out. It's getting worse as time goes by from the D&D, not better. I feel hopeless. Sorry I can't be more help.

Wendell,

What you are writing about really resonates with me. For years when I lived with my N, I had mild depression. Who wouldn't, with what was going on? Then I moved out, and I thought that my life would instantly get better. ( I am the eternal optimist).

For the first few months I felt great. I walked every day and I lost weight and things were wonderful. Then N started more contact and wanted to work things out and then things got nasty and .... I started to withdraw. It was an effort to go to work, although I enjoyed it when I got there. I didn't go places, mainly because N would not take the kids and I needed to be home 24/7, but also because I felt uncomfortable going by myself.

I worried about the divorce and I worried about money and I worried about the kids. I decided to go ahead with the divorce and then N started harassing me. All I did for days on end was think and worry about what was going on with N. I was in counseling and taking anti-depressants for a while.

But the accumulated stress of all the years with N and then the intensity of the divorce process left me wounded. The things that N said to me and the names he used to label me, as well as the actions he took, hurt me so badly that I started to turn inward. It was like a constant loop of thoughts that played over and over in my mind, until I could think of nothing else.

Finally, it started affecting me physically. The stress wore me down until my physical state matched my mental state.

I have worked my way out of the looping thoughts and am not depressed anymore. But I am left with some physical symptoms ( fibromyalgia) that I really think is damage from the intense worrying and anxiety that I had. But even more troubling than that is that I have lost some joy in my life. I feel that my life is on auto pilot.

I am hoping that what I am experiencing is just part of the order for healing. Maybe the mind and body need some time to heal and get used to a new situation. I was in fight or flight mode for so long, that possibly these feelings are what I am supposed to be feeling, but the intensity of living with N had distorted life so much, that I don't recognize "normal".

I too postpone routing chores, because I really don't care. I can do them tomorrow. I used to love decorating for holidays, but now it is just an awful lot of trouble... I am almost overwhelmed by lethargy.

I honestly don't know if counseling would help. For counseling to help, you have to care.

I keep thinking that things will get better soon. The winter has been long and spring will be here one of these days. I need to find something to pique my interest.

Another thing that comes to mind, is that we as a modern society expect instant results. We eat our instant oatmeal in the morning and our fast food at lunch. We go to the Dr and get antibiotics so we can get better fast and keep working. We take sleeping pills to go to sleep and drink lots of caffeine for jolts of energy. We lay out sod for instant lawns and go to tanning booths for instant tans. We have major surgery and 6 weeks later we are completely healed. So somewhere along the line we started thinking the same thing about relationships. Grief should be "done" quickly and at no inconvenience to us or others around us.

Maybe we all just need time. Maybe our thinking for "instant" results is misguided. The end of a relationship or a marriage is like a death. And the more invested we were in the relationship, I think it will take us longer to get over it. And the fact that our relationships were with dis-ordered people, makes it even harder. Not only did our relationships come to an end, but we have discovered that there were flaw in our SO's as well as in ourselves. It is hard to comprehend. We have found that we poured our hearts and souls into a relationship, and it wasn't reciprocated. There was no closure. After the breakup we were either ignored or stalked. Someone who professed undying love one day went on to another relationship so fast it made your head swim. Or the N who wouldn't go to counseling and wanted a divorce, suddenly cares so much that he is still harrasing me years later. It doesn't make sense and we can't even trust our own feelings.

That's why I think that healing takes time. If you are starting to think of hurting yourself, then you need to get more help than our board can give you. But if it is just lethargy and an inability to find joy, maybe it is just a desert period in your life. A time for reflection and regrouping and a realization of who you really are and what you really care about.

I wish you the best on your journey. Don't think you are alone with your troubles- remember that troubles shared are troubles halved. We are here for you.

Peace, Shadey Lady

Hi Wendell,

I think that Shadey lady makes some good points. You are grieving a loss and society with it's "get over it" mentality does not help. It amazes me because when someone does suffer the death of a loved one, they take a week off work for funeral etc..., then they are expected to be back at work functioning at 100% after only a week. (I experienced this after my mom died.) There is little sympathy for what you are suffering and the little that does exist disappears very rapidly as deadlines are looming.

OK, now when you compare the little sympathy for a death in the family to the loss that is experienced with the end of a relationship or divorce...there is no sympathy in the workplace for the loss of love. And, of course, we all know that people do not understand the suffering that follows D&D with an N...unless you have experienced it, so there is nothing gained in trying to explain. Everyone just wants you to "get over it" and produce...produce...produce...

What they don't understand is that we would love to "be over it" we would love to "produce", but for some reason that even we do not understand, it is just not in us. I completely lost focus after D&D. I wanted to get lost in a project, just to get away from thoughts of the exN...I COULD NOT DO IT!!! I could not read a book, I couldn't even focus on a movie. There are many movies that I watched at that time of which I have absolutely no memory.

OK, so now that I have restated your problem (sorry)...here is some hope. I'm doing better now. Slowly, gradually, I am relearning to be in the moment and focus on whatever project is at hand. If I am working out at the gym, I am focused on my workout. If I am reading a book, then I am focusing on that book. The process is not passive, I actively focus my mind and do not allow extraneous noise into my focus. I will no longer feel guilty about being at the gym, when I have work to do on my job.

I'm not sure how I've managed to get this far, but I have some ideas. 1) I started seeing a therapist at the end of last year. The odd thing is, I'm not really sure how that has helped, but I cannot deny that it has. In other words, I cannot logically explain exactly how therapy has influcenced my life...and as I live in a world of logic, I have spent a considerable amount of time pondering just that. :) I also think that a good therapist will help you assess your depression and decide whether you need antidepressants. 2) I actively tell myself (internal dialogue) that none of the other things matter right now. Right now, I'm focusing on this (the task at hand). If I do not focus on this, nothing will get done. 3) Exercise. Even when I do not want to go, i workout daily. Sometimes I am at the gym counting every step...forcing myself to continue...and then surprise, gradually my body just takes over and does it's thing. 4) Relationships. I came out of the relationship with the exN, desparately wanting to be in another close affectionate relationship. I've learned that you cannot force it. You cannot force the other person into a relationship, AND you cannot force yourself into feeling connected to another person. You have to let them evolve and run their course. If you are having trouble opening up to another person, don't make that your goal. Just set an easier goal, you are going to go out tonight and have some fun. That's it. Then if you had fun with that person, do it again. If a connection is going to develop, it will do so. Another thing that I am working on with regard to relationships is to stop "looking" for red flags. I'm not saying to ignore them when they pop up, but I am trying to to trust my instincts without looking for problems...if that makes any sense.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have all the answers...I'm still struggling through but these are some strategies that have helped me.

AT

I agree - GREAT post and description of the layers of healing Almost There.

There are definitely layers of healing... sometimes it just feels like layers, not healing, that keep building and weighing you down. But I think that's because it takes time to internalize and process what you *know* is right and/or true... even when others say 'get over it already' (like we don't want to be??) or 'what he/she thinks doesn't matter', etc... bottom line is, someone that we once felt a tremendous emotional, mental, spiritual bond with did something that said (with or without words) 'you are not important', 'you have no worth', 'you do not matter'. It's hard NOT to take that personally, in fact, I'd say pretty damn near impossible (given that you once valued their opinion, or appreciated some of their qualities - real qualities or not, you once valued them).

I *know* I should not care what a disordered person thinks of me or what he says to other people about me, etc.... but b/c I once loved him (the person he wanted me to believe he was), it's hard. It takes time to 'untwist' the twisted web and really get back to your baseline.

I can identify with everything that you wrote. I see myself in just about every sentence. For the longest time, I could not focus - use to love to watch TV, but didn't have the attention span for it... something that even people with extremely low IQ's can do on a daily basis, hours at a time. I did read, but could only stay focused when it was material that defined disordered personality characteristics or healing... anything else, like John Grisham (whom I love to read), I just did not have the attention span for. Things that I loved - traveling, getting together with friends, even LSU Football - seemed to hold no value anymore. I withdrew from everything and almost everyone and isolated myself. If I had more than one or two tasks, I felt completely overwhelmed to the point of paralysis - no productivity at all.

I am JUST NOW starting to feel like my old self again. There was no defining moment... it just started happening, gradually. I bought a new house in August - PLENTY of things I want to do to it: paint, arrange, in short 'make it mine'... but have not had the mental or physical energy to do so until recently. I started painting ONE room in August, and I am just now finishing it, LOL. My sense of humor is finally coming back. I actually joke around with people, make witty remarks - parts of my personality that just seemed to disappear starting with the initial D&D and all the way through up til now. I even told one of my closest friends the other day "my personality is finally coming back" and I nearly broke down crying b/c of it! I am elated!! But even with that progress, there are still some areas in which more work is needed - one is, I am interested in meeting new people, but when the opportunity presents itself, I always seem to find something else I want to do, or i suddenly lose interest (which I think is a defense mechanism after being hurt in such an intensely personal way - who wouldn't be consciously or subconsciously afraid? Who would really want to open themselves up to that kind of hurt again?). These things, I feel are a 'normal' part of processing everything that happened, and I also feel that the hesitation is our own mind/body's way of letting us know "you're not ready yet". Like Amost There said, I think the key is to stop looking at these things as a flaw, but rather as a healing process... go with the flow, recognize when you're beating yourself up over how you (or anyone else) thinks you should be, recognize when you do that and then remind yourself of the twisted mess you are coming out of, and give yourself a little latitude. THIS is where I think my therapist helped me the most - recognizing WHEN I was beating myself up over things that were essentially 'natural' or 'normal' given the situation. Our own expectations of ourselves (fueled by friends/family/societal expectations - as AT pointed out) are, at times, our worst enemy. We cannot force ourselves to be where we were pre - N; or where we want to be now. Force provokes reactive resistance - which may or may not be exactly what you are experiencing right now. You want to be past is already, but your mind/body/psyche has not yet resolved everything and is resisting until it has. Allow yourself to evolve. Everyone's pace is different and unique. Accepting that, is one huge step.

Wendell, I found an article not too long ago that I posted on here, that I think hits on what you are going through. It's called "myths about healing". I am going to copy and paste it here for you:

Common Misconceptions about Healing

---Dee Ann Miller, RN, BS ---

Before leaving psychiatric nursing to devote more time to advocacy work, I wrote some hand-outs for my patients. No matter what the trauma, no matter what the diagnosis, no matter if the patient was suffering from a chronic or an acute condition, I found that many profited from one that helped clarify some of the common myths about healing. Hopefully, these myths can help you, as well:

MYTH #1 Emotional healing is a process that's needed only occasionally, when one has been deeply hurt. NO! Healing is a constant on-going part of daily living. For everyone! It is required whenever we face a change or crisis. Much of it takes place without us being consciously aware that it is going on. Survivors often feel "different" or permanently "damaged" when, in reality, they are waging an internal war because of cognitive distortions that constitute unwelcome changes in the way things are perceived. Healing requires the adjustment to new understandings, new ideas, new skills, new behaviors, and a new self-concept that, in time, has the potential to produce a healthier person than ever before.

MYTH #2 There is a magic formula that I have to find if I'm going to recover. Sorry, there are no magic formulas! When I worked with children, I frequently sang a little song to them: "Look all the world over. There's no one like me." It's true for adults, just as much as children. In fact, life's circumstances can make adult processes even more complex. The way you heal and how fast you do it can depend on your personality, past experiences with trauma, how you perceive your present situation, your support system, and many other factors. There is absolutely no right or wrong way to heal. There is no normal timetable, no measuring stick. You are not in competition with anyone else.

MYTH #3 Professionals are the most important people on the healthcare team. NO! You are! Professionals have a lot of knowledge, but they are not God. They alone cannot bring healing, no matter how much they try. Their work, and yours, can be undermined by circumstances beyond their control. All of us have our limitations. The most important thing a professional can do for you is to provide a listening ear and an accepting, empathetic spirit.

MYTH #4 Healing is an event with a definite beginning and ending. Unfortunately, problems tend to recycle periodically, requiring one to face new issues related to the trauma, years after saying: "I think I'm over that." This can be scary, especially if one is not warned of the possibility. The stages of grieving may have to be repeated when reminders or other traumatic events trigger old garbage. This is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of normality. Our losses often involve sub-losses that may not be recognized until years after the initial trauma.

MYTH #5 Time heals all things. No, again! Ignoring pneumonia usually brings a slow, painful death. So does ignoring emotional or spiritual pain. While healing is an individual process, finding well-informed professionals, friends and other survivors who are able to support you can go a long ways. So can reading material. You DO need time, but time alone isn't the answer. Healing involves a lot of grieving over changes and losses. And grieving is very hard work. It's exhausting. So set realistic goals. Take vacations away from the active process, from time to time. Be kind to yourself.

and another:

Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Ways To Healing
(Article based on my experience)

You begin in shock. In disbelief. You may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress (I did). As you are beginning to re-remember, the feelings are going to be overwhelming. Every emotion under the sun. Chaotic feelings. Tremendous ambivalence. Anger, hatred, vengefulness, murder, all the really nasty stuff. Terrible, soul-tearing loneliness. This is normal, this is you being human. Feel all the feelings, cry an ocean. This is grieving. I cried for 3 years, almost every day. I was comforted by this saying from mystical Judaism, "G-d counts the tears of women" (and men, I'm sure).
At the same time,

Learn everything you can about psychopathy and pathological narcissism. We are not talking just immature jerks here, or the abusive, but hardcore pathology.

Return to the past and remember and review in detail. This is not obsessing- this preoccupation is very necessary for healing because you are starting from square one -- what you thought existed, did not. So you must find out what really existed- replace the pathway of emotion laden remembrance with the stark, unyielding reality.

It is through the above 3 ways that we emotionally detach-separate ourselves from the psychopath-character disordered, when we begin to grasp the massive deception and subtle, practised erosion of our beings. Always we must trust our gut as we work this out and thru.

Rehearse and reinforce that this was not a normal person, that it was a lie, that it had nothing to do with you (the hardest)- but it did happen to you- and there is no psychological rhyme nor reason to it because psychopaths-character disordered are in a mysterious class by themselves, not really from this planet as we know it.

Know that they wanted something good from you. Remember it.

You will question yourself and that is normal- people who are normal, have consciences, examine themselves, ask themselves what they could have done differently- this is part of reviewing- What could you have done? nothing- you didn't know they were disordered- now you know- learn all you can about how they work-how they did it- that is your task- to see that they manipulated you and that you were no match for them (nor were some "experts" where psychopaths were concerned).

Discipline yourself to stop looking at your 'faults' as connected to the psychopath-character disordered specifically - any encounter with anyone can trigger a desire to re-evaluate one's life and behaviour- this is normal and progressive- it's a testament to your desire and ability to grow and transcend, to move forward and blossom- the encounter may provide the spark, the seed- your 'faults' or 'weaknesses' did not cause you to be targetted and manipulated by the character disordered.

Try not to psychologise yourself- do it with a therapist but only one who lays the blame where it belongs- on the perpetrator-abuser. Trust no one on the net to psychologise you- they have no right; and it's the blind leading the blind, imo.

Hang out with people who emotionally support you but do not make you doubt yourself- people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault - do not confide in anyone who pathologises your behaviour or brings you pathologising theories- a psychopath-character disordered is a relationship anomaly/aberration- normal rules don't apply and neither do theories (for that's all they are, and largely uncompassionate, I think) about us, the survivors. As long as you continue to psychologise yourself about this (non)relationship, you remain attached.

Know that you did not have control over the encounter, that you do not have control over anything except what you choose to believe and do- choose to elevate everything around you. Choose life.

Repair what is broken- Force yourself to Turn away from the face of evil and add something to the world- even while you are in shock, take a moment to be kind to someone, some small thing or kind thought, and take charge of your soul- be the captain. I have overcome a lot of damage just by putting one step in front of the other and laying a new foundation bit by bit in repairing a bit of the world. No one can take that away from me. When you see what you can do to make the world a better place, how the world responds to you, you won't listen to anyone who is only looking to fix you by telling you how you are broken. You have a broken,shattered heart and you already know that. End of story.

What is your goal now that you are moving away from this damaging environment? It's important to have an elevating goal that will inspire you to greatness, spiritual and otherwise. Also see: RegretAndWellbeing

If you are reading this, you are a person of considerable character and thought. You are not willing to lie down and die. You will not allow what happened to defeat you. You survived to get to this place- there is great strength in that.

Know what you stand for, what you are willing to live and to die for. Learn this about yourself as you work things through.

Know that this too shall pass and that the other side is wonderful, is amazing, something that you can't imagine right now. You will amaze yourself. In moments of despair and moments of soul searing loneliness, know that you are not alone. You are supported. And others have gotten through this and you will too. And you will do it with the dignity that is your birthright- in a perfectly human way.

1/28/03, ©2003-2009, InvictaMA, Counseling Psychology.

You know Wendell, I have always admired how you write and describe things on an even keel, but no one is perfect. Something I've only just recently learned, that you do not learn in school (in fact, society teaches pretty much the opposite) = its ok to not know the answers. Its ok to not know exactly the right thing at any juncture or cross road. And its ok to not be ok with how you feel sometimes. Sometimes, those things are a catalyst for something even greater than you ever imagined.

my thoughts are with ya Wen,

loux

(p.s. sorry so long... just wanted to make sure you understood, that you are not alone, and what you are feeling and experiencing is all just part of the path. You know yourself better than anyone ever will - if you feel as though you are truly 'stuck', please consider talking to a counselor, even if just to get you over a hump. It really does help, even though at the time it often feels or seems like it's not).

Hi Wendell

Your definately not alone (((hugs)))

has anyone else developed depression so long (2 years for me) after a relationship with a narcissist?

am not sure if its depression, a form of pstd from flashbacks, or burnout but yes I have. Its not just about getting over a narcissist, theres more to it than that, theres, learning about the disorder, ourselves etc etc etc..........the list is endless, even now, I get major lightbulb moments from things that happened to me in my past, which changes the way I view the past.........which knocks me for six.....

Have you spoken with a doctor or a therapist recently???

Today I read something in a book that a therapist wrote, and she described the feeling as " Treacle boots" being stuck........and she said, that its a sign that changes are needed, but little changes, slowly......am gonna try that, and see how that works for me, just thought I would share that with you.

How are you feeling now?

x

Traumas as Social Interactions

http://samvak.tripod.com/trauma.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily21.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily22.html

How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Recovery and Healing

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily23.html

Victim Reactions to Abuse by Narcissists and Psychopaths

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders70.html

Mourning the Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq68.html

The Three Forms of Closure

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

Wendell,

Just wondering how you are doing... check in and let us know, ok??

Holly wrote:Hi Wendell,

I'm having an extremely difficult time with this too. My brain doesn't even work most of the time. I can't read a book, where I used to read a lot. Can't focus on a movie. I had depression before my N D&Ded me and now it's unbearable. Sorry I don't have any answers, just letting you know you're not alone. I don't know what to do about it. Antidepressants give me bad side effects. I'm on other meds and don't know about some of them with that 5HTP that Darhma suggested.

I'm too exhausted to go out or even get dressed most days. I only go out for therapy. Sometimes the depression is so bad I have to take a sleeping pill to knock myself out. It's getting worse as time goes by from the D&D, not better. I feel hopeless. Sorry I can't be more help.

Me, too. Exact same situation.

Thanks again to everyone for all the thoughtful replies. They're very helpful, and I appreciate your time and feedback.

Loux, thank you for checking in. It's really nice to know people care. I've seen better times, but I believe I'm introspective and honest enough to make sure I do the necessary things to heal. I'm starting therapy with a new doctor on Tuesday. I've followed the "what have you done" thread, but I'm living proof that sometimes it doesn't matter what we do or how much we do it. The feelings I've felt are beyond my control, and now I know I need help from another resource to get beyond the traumas I've experienced over the last few years.

Since my ex D&D'ed me, I've joined a church and a Mardi Gras krewe. I never stopped my workout routine. I reached out and made new friendships. I renewed old friendships. I went out. I socialized. I never gave up any of the interests I've always enjoyed. However, none of those things seemed to get me over the hump. Society tells us not to complain, so I opted to pursue other avenues to heal. I worked harder, spending more hours at the office. I socialized more. I dated more. I traveled more. Still didn't work. So by the last half of 2008, I internally began to grow frustrated. By year's end I found myself in a malaise so deep I didn't know what was wrong. That led me to isolate myself though I wasn't angry with anyone. I isolated myself from friends, family and co-workers. The general sadness grew deeper 'til my boss confronted me and inquired about whether anything was wrong. That's what woke me up.

I'm not proud to admit any of this. I've tried to heal, to be a strong person. I've tried not to complain to friends and family. I've tried not to allow any of what happened to change me. But I couldn't do it....alone. So here I am, the guy who doled out all that advice here over the last couple of years - re-entering therapy and trying this again. But it beats digging this hole in which I find myself any deeper - into alcoholism, drugs, harmful thoughts, etc. Bottom line: I'm willing to do whatever I have to do - work as hard as I have to work - to get beyond this. It sucks, and my pride is wounded over the fact that this experience has affected me so profoundly. But I've never tried to be anything but honest, and if my travails and mistakes can help someone else here or elsewhere, then my journey is here for all the world to see.

Wendell_Gee wrote:I'm not proud to admit any of this. I've tried to heal, to be a strong person. I've tried not to complain to friends and family. I've tried not to allow any of what happened to change me. But I couldn't do it....alone. So here I am, the guy who doled out all that advice here over the last couple of years - re-entering therapy and trying this again. But it beats digging this hole in which I find myself any deeper - into alcoholism, drugs, harmful thoughts, etc. Bottom line: I'm willing to do whatever I have to do - work as hard as I have to work - to get beyond this. It sucks, and my pride is wounded over the fact that this experience has affected me so profoundly. But I've never tried to be anything but honest, and if my travails and mistakes can help someone else here or elsewhere, then my journey is here for all the world to see.

There is no shame in not being able to do something alone. You are human. Humans are complex... so complex that even WE don't understand ourselves at times. Reaching out for help takes TREMENDOUS courage Wendell. Don't forget that. It's much easier to sit back, do nothing and fall further down the rabbit hole. Much easier. Be proud that you love and care about yourself enough to say "that's not good enough for me".

Wishing you well, especially considering your first visit with the new Doc is this week. Remember, going through the trauma again to get to resolution, old memories, etc... it may get harder before it gets better - but that is only temporary, and a means to an end.

loux

Are you a Beatles fan?? "I get by with a little help from my friends"

Hi Wendell! I just want to tell you... I have PTSD and Wellbutrin saved my life. Literally.

You really, really need to know that PTSD is a physical, neurological disorder with mental side effects, not a mental disorder with physical side effects. The hippocampus shrinks, the amygdala functions differently, the adrenals become exhausted... severe chemical depression is almost inevitable. And yes, it can get worse before it gets better. It certainly did with me. I so wish I hadn't waited to get help. Waiting just made the neurological damage worse, and the healing process longer and more difficult.

If you would take a pill for an infection or for a heart condition, please do consider taking a pill to allow your neurotransmitters time to get sorted. I think it's WAY cool that you've done all you've done to get yourself out of this funk, but dancing doesn't cure a broken leg. In all honesty, I think that's what you're looking at, if you are dealing with the combination of PTSD and depression.

You don't have to do Prozac, either. You can research the various anti-depressants before you take any of them. Not all are long-term either, and there are several different classes of them that chemically work different ways. Also, while you're at it -- DO get your thyroid tested. All the stress killed my thyroid, and that was part of what was making my depression so severe. Thyroid replacement really helped, and that was long before I went on Wellbutrin.

Good luck!!!

MM, stress can kill the thyroid? I had no idea! I have a few symptoms that are part of hypothyroidism (hope I'm getting that right) so I might check that out.

I've tried a few types of anti-depressant but they've all made me so unwell I've been in bed while I've taken them. Can't be doing with that. I think I can manage without but then all of a sudden I'm right down there again. Back to the doctor, I think! :(

... If only so I can stop posting with those sad little yellow faces! It's getting on my last nerve that that's who I am now!! 8)

In a huge way, Anitya, especially for women. Also, low thyroid can itself make your depressive symptoms worse, or even cause depression: it is classic "chemical depression" at its best. So definitely get that checked out. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself! :)

Hi Echo and all,

You wrote:
Sometimes I think that these sticking periods are where the mind is absorbing and integrating all the things we're learning in recovery and piecing them together.

Thank you. Sometimes I forget that emotional/mental injuries have "apparent" healing and "not so apparent" healing times - much like physical injuries.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a "sticky" period. Need to be more patient with myself. Easier said then done! :D

Hugs to all.

Hi Rainbows End,

Thank you. Sometimes I forget that emotional/mental injuries have "apparent" healing and "not so apparent" healing times - much like physical injuries.

Do go easy on yourself Rainbows End, it really is a long term path, and if you fall off it now and again, thats OK, long as you get back on it. Sometimes I think we need to just cocoon, take in the view, get a rest and get back on with it when we have gathered a little strength. Its exhausting stuff isnt it?