Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group

happytimesahead · Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 10

Hi,
I am new to this board. I have been separated from my husband for almost 10 years now. I have never divorced because of religious reasons. And I have wanted to, but my faith has overruled me. Anyway, we have two children together and I have been manipulating him to get child support for the past 5 years, acting thoroughly nice to him at the time of the month when he had to make payment and then ignoring him the rest. Unfortunately this has worn me down. I hate the man and felt as if i was prostituting my ears each month listening to him go on and on in order to receive the support he would give me. He talked me into getting a private order through the D.A. when we first got the child support order. Little did I know that if he stopped paying support, the d.a. would not enforce it if it was a private order. Therefore i have had to go through the whole child support ordeal in order to get a new order established, which has taken about 8 months so far and i'm told it shouldn't be much longer until the order is made. Anyways, since he's noticed my newfound change in personality, of not trying to keep the peace and not making excuses for him to the kids, he stopped paying support. Actually, this is what he does. He calls me and tells me that he has the child support, but has to talk to me first and ask me some questions, before he gives me the money. He has put me through rollercoasters with this money for the past 5 or 6 months. He holds the money hostage until he gets what he wants, which is basically supply. I got by a few months without the money and didn't deal with him. Last month i needed the money desperately for an operation for my daughter, and i played his game. He told me he had the money and i talked to him and listened to his crap. He said he would mail it. He never did. He said he would drop it off, he never did. Finally he said i could come and pick it up, but what had started out as 600.00 has now become $80 because of financial things on his end. I was livid and was about to crack after all he put me through. I'm still catching up this month. And...low and behold comes another call from him with the same thing saying "i have the money, but i have a few questions i need u to answer b4 i give it to you". I left him a message telling him i was no longer having any contact with him and that if he cared for his kids the way he "claims" he does, that he should CARE for them financially and if he wants to support his kids, he knows how to get the $$ to us.

I hope this all makes sense, my brain is full of anger at the moment and I know i haven't explained my life with him since we married in 92. But my main problem right now is the anger i have. It makes me so livid that he sits there and tries to pull these strings and gets away with it, because I choose to be sane. I know my sanity is worth it, yet at the same time, the stress of money problems isn't all that great either. Has anyone dealt with anything similar to this?

Thanks

lemondroppr · Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1416

Hi happytimes and welcome to the board.

It's typical behavior of, in my opinion, an abusive personality. Yes, my ex did the same. Not with money, but with my personal belongings and the marital property that was awarded to me as part of the divorce. Even though he was court ordered to give the property to me, he didn't. The only way that I will be able to get all my property is to take him back to court. I can't afford to do and it just keeps us in contact, so I have decided to just drop it. It isn't worth the stress and drama to me or the attention he gets from it.

Keep reading and keep coming back. I do hope you find a way to get your needs met.

alamobelle3 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 615 Location: San antonio Texas

Being financially dependent upon him is going to cost you dearly

you end up " divorced to him instead of from him " .

I let mine slide on child support the paltry sum wasnt worth what it

took to get it - my son when he turned 18 sued him and got

the money to pay his titution, another friend wavied the arrears but he

had to sign away his rights so her normal husband could adopt the

child as he didnt have the money and would have spent alot of time in

prison and was in jail at the time the agreement was reached.
_________________
illegitimis non carborundum

Ginger Rodgers matched Fred Astaire step for step only she did it backwards and in high heels !

happytimesahead · Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 10

Thank you so much for your advice. I know the easiest thing is to just forget about the money. And it would be easier IF he didn't live so close and if i didn't have to hear these messages from him. And then when i get in a bind, of course, I point the anger at him. I finally see how he's trying to control me once again, thinking i will let him verbally and psychologically abuse me in order to receive money from him. It's hard to let him get away with not paying support, but I guess for my sanity, it has to be this way.

I'm wondering, did you let your children know about how your n's acted. As far as not paying child support? As far as violent behaviors, or erratic behaviors. I had to call the cops on mine a few times in the past few months because he would just stand on my porch and yell and scream my name and say that he wasn't going to leave until I talk to him. It was so embarrassing and ridiculous. I'm curious because my two youngest ones, 12 and 8 are and have been in therapy for about 2 years now. My 12 year old has ADD, OCD and general anxiety disorder, and the 8 year old has depression, which I believe is basically hereditary, as their dads side of the family has a lot of ocd/depression. Anyway, the therapists they see keep encouraging them to have conversations with this man on the phone. And they question me as to why I can't be nice to this man and respect him as a parent. HE'S NOT A PARENT!! The one has even made sarcastic remarks to me about self diagnosing him as NPD. It just infuriates me. Most NPD's will never get help, because they don't believe anything is wrong with them, which is the case here. And these therapists have not lived through what i've lived through with this man. Once i finally figured out what i was dealing with it was a great relief, yet as you can see, I still struggle, not with love or anything like that but with anger and allowing him to control me. But i don't want my kids to end up being controlled by him. He NEVER visits them in person or takes them anywhere. But, he has started calling them alot lately and playing the "sweet daddy" role. Normally for the most part he never calls them, he would always call me and i would make an excuse to get off the phone. But since i turned REAL and decided not to be silenced anymore, he's calling for the kids. And he does work the kids with guilt trips. My 8 year old wants nothing to do with him, yet my 12 year old still feels sorry for him, of course, because he tells her how he eats out of trash cans. I'm just wondering why a therapist would encourage a child to be involved with a father who is flat out abusive.

stellarwnd · Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 104 Location: California

I am not sure if I can offer advice -- only that you are not alone in your struggles. My ex has a court order for child support and has not paid a single penny. He never will and I will continue to pursue this and he might end up in jail. It's not fair to dump everything on one spouse while the other just skates free like they never had anything to do with creating the baby in the first place.

Sorry....just ranting....it's so unfair...

Stellar

happytimesahead · Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 10

Hi Stellarwnd,

I notice you are in CA, I'm also in CA. How is it that he gets away without paying when there is a court order? Is it through the d.a.? Because I thought they were suppose to garnish their paychecks. Although mine is self employed, so I'm sure I'll never get a cent. But I was told by the child support services that they can suspend his license and yes even jail time. And after the struggles and years off of my life he's put me through, I would gladly have him jailed. But, in California, they don't seem to move to fast at anything, it's ridiculous.

Yes, it's not fair at all. What gets me the most, is I don't qualify for any welfare type help, but I still just can't make it with the price of rent and my mother ends up helping me out. She would rather me go to her than to deal with him and his antics. I'm very grateful for her and all her help, but it's hard having to have anyone help me, I hate not being able to make it on my own sometimes.

stellarwnd · Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 104 Location: California

Hi, yes there is an agency that can track the deadbeat person down and garnish wages, suspend drivers licenses and put people in jail for not paying child support. The whole process is very involved and drawn out. It takes about 6 months to start. I have submitted all the paperwork, but the agency is overwhelmed by the amount of people not paying child support. I am stuck in the process. And, in the meantime, in court, the judge does NOTHING to my ex even when the judge is told that he has not paid, etc. It's amazing what little the judges do to help the person doing all the work and supporting the kids. Of course there are deadbeat people because the court system supports it and it starts right with the judges.

Stellar

Teri470 · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 188

Mine was insurance and child support. Every month. Until I read your posts I had thought about it being money held hostage and divorced to him instead of from him.

Kids grew up and the insurance I had to get down to his level and threaten him. So far so good!

Hope it stays that way for a few more months.

happytimesahead · Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 10

Yup, my 17 year old says every month "is daddy holding the money hostage again mom?"

I'm just very tired and have no since of pride in playing his game anymore. And I think I probably confused my kids by playing the game. I think for years I taught them to be silenced and how to manipulate people to get what you need. Hopefully, I'm strong enough now to teach them something good, and hopefully they wont end up with a person like their dad.

Thanks!!